Giggles, Gaffaws and Groaners...

The other day, I rang the Speaking Clock. It said, “What's the matter, can't you afford a watch? Are you too lazy to lift your arm up, you idiot?“

It was Greenwich Mean Time. 



My teenage son treats me like a god.

He acts like I don’t exist until he wants something. 



A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store with him. In addition to the healthful items on the carefully prepared shopping list, they returned with a box of sugar-laden cookies.

The man noticed the glare of his wife and said, "This box of cookies has one-third fewer calories than usual."

"Why is that?" the mother asked.

"We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied. 



Anyone want to buy some exercise equipment?

I'm having a going-out-of-fitness sale.



The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes...

And it was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo. 

Joe: Every night I take two quarters to bed with me.

Peter: Whatever for?

Joe: They are my sleeping quarters.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...

Does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

A man is taking his son to buy his first car...

The son spots an old, used cop car at one of the lots. "Dad! I want that! It would be so cool! Can I test drive the cop car?" The father replies: "No, son. I want your car to have working turn signals and an accurate speedometer."