Giggles, Gaffaws and Groaners...

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic.

He said, "Sure, knock yourself out!"




The Sultan of Brunei had 6 children, all girls. Therefore, he had no son and no heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him British Airways.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him P&O Ferries.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son, who had caught the 'Western movie' bug replied, "Daddy, I would like a cowboy outfit." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and bought him Microsoft. 



A boastful Englishman was holding forth on the merits of his watch to friends in New York City. At last, one of the American friends decided he could stand it no longer.

"That's nothing, "he interrupted. "I dropped my watch into the Hudson a year ago, and it's been running ever since."

The Englishman looked taken aback. "What!" he exclaimed. "The same watch?"

"No," he replied, "the Hudson."



The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half and it snapped with a loud crack.

Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside..."



The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do for you. I'm a psychologist."

"A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?"

"Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"

 

"It takes Bill a day and a night to tell a story."

"He'd make a good bookkeeper, I should think."

"Why do you say that?"

"He's never short on his accounts."

 

For once, instead of the ridiculous statement, "Please note our menu options have changed..."

How about, "Our menu options are the same as they have been for years. Just prepare to be on hold for a very long time..."

 

I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”

I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”  

Why did the Frenchman put mushrooms into his bowl of Wheaties?

Because it’s the breakfast of champignons! 

 

What is a committee?

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.