Christmas Humour

 

Q: Did you hear about the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
A: He got 25 days.

Me: [Searches ‘Chanukah’]

Google: Did you mean Hanukkah?
Me: I DON’T KNOW, GOOGLE. NO ONE DOES.

You: I love this time of year!
Me: You mean you ‘ove’ it.
You: What?
Me: Because there’s Noël.

“All that time spent selecting and decorating, and a week after [Christmas], you see the tree by the side of the road, like a mob hit. A car slows down, a door opens, and a tree rolls out.” —Jerry Seinfeld

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon asked people to submit their worst Christmas office party stories. Here’s what people sent in:

– I stayed sober to avoid embarrassing myself in front of my coworkers. Then my heel broke, and I fell into the punch bowl.
– My boss ordered two pizzas for 15 employees, then ate one all by herself.
– My coworker got so drunk, he asked his girlfriend whether she was single. She said yes.
– I did a Secret Santa gift exchange; mine got me a can of creamed corn.

On the 13th day of Christmas, my true love said to me, “I think I might be a hoarder.” —Jen Statsky, writer

Prince Philip looks out the window on Christmas Eve. “That’s some reindeer,” he says.
The queen replies, “65 years. Yes, that is a lot.” —Via express.co.uk

At the Christmas Eve service at my church, the pastor, quizzing some children about the nativity, asked, “What gifts did the three wise men give the Christ child?”

“Gold!” yelled one child.

“Frankincense!” shouted another.

After a pause, a third asked, “Gift cards?”

—Alan Shaw

Christmas movies rebooted as Hanukkah movies:

– Home Shalom
– A Christmas Carole King
– It’s a Wonderful Life When You Call Your Mother

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.


Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter