An Antartian was running back and forth from his computer and his mailbox. Then the mailman came up to him and asked him what he was doing. He replied, "My dumb computer keeps saying 'you've got mail'."
For his entire working life, a dedicated and hardworking Astrophysicist tried in all earnest to find the existence of other being somewhere in the universe. After 58 years of constant effort, he finally receives a response from a planet 30 billion light years away.
“What is your planet like?” groaned the extraterrestrial from the other side of the Galaxy.
“It is 12,756 Kilometers in diameter, is 93,000,000 miles from the nearest star, our sun, has an average temperature of 72 degrees F. We breathe oxygen, live about 75 years, and have both men and women” answered the Physicist.
“Do the you get along with the women on your planet?” the extraterrestrial asked slowly.
Puzzled by the question, but not wanting to insult the female Physicists near by, he answered “Why yes. We get along quite well here.”
The extraterrestrial perked up “Can we send you ours?”
A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
For his entire working life, a dedicated and hardworking Astrophysicist tried in all earnest to find the existence of other being somewhere in the universe. After 58 years of constant effort, he finally receives a response from a planet 30 billion light years away.
“What is your planet like?” groaned the extraterrestrial from the other side of the Galaxy.
“It is 12,756 Kilometers in diameter, is 93,000,000 miles from the nearest star, our sun, has an average temperature of 72 degrees F. We breathe oxygen, live about 75 years, and have both men and women” answered the Physicist.
“Do the you get along with the women on your planet?” the extraterrestrial asked slowly.
Puzzled by the question, but not wanting to insult the female Physicists near by, he answered “Why yes. We get along quite well here.”
The extraterrestrial perked up “Can we send you ours?”
A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
A man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
Bob: "So, you say that you won the conversion with your wife yesterday."
Joe: "Yes, she came crawling on her hands and knees."
Bob: "Really? What did she say?"
Joe: "Come out from under the bed, you coward.
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in hurry and not a happy camper about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
When things go wrong,
When sadness fill your heart,
When tears flow in your eyes,
Just let me know,
Cause I want to be there for you,
I am selling tissues,buy one get one free”
A rooster was strutting around the henhouse one Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every color of the rainbow. The rooster took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the heck out of the resident peacock.
A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom – his hands were dirty.
She stopped him and said, “John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?”
Smiling the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.
A man wrote a letter to the Revenue Canada: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.
Returning to West Point late one night, Colonel Schultz and his wife were challenged by the sentry at the gate.
“Halt and identify yourself!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” declared the startled woman.
The sentry stepped aside. “Advance, Holy Family, to be recognized.”
Two rather old retired racehorses are in a bar getting totally drunk. After about two hours the first racehorse says "You know.... when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 90 races, got 5 seconds and 5 thirds.... I am without doubt the greatest racehorse that ever lived....blah blah blah..."
In response to this and approximately a half an hour later the second racehorse responded, "Oh yeah...when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 95 races, got 2 seconds and 3 thirds.... I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived.... blah blah blah..."
Now it was about this time that the bartender (a greyhound) decided that they were drunk enough so he said, "I am sick of you two telling one another how great you are, you are both drunk and I am throwing you out of the bar, but before I do I want to let you know that when I was a young greyhound, from one hundred starts, I won 100 races, no seconds and no thirds."
The two racehorses were shocked and for 5 minutes sat with their mouths open until the fist racehorse finally said, "Isn't that amazing (hic)...a talking greyhound!"”
New customer to Tech Support: “"It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens."
Tech Support: "Can you try again and tell me what happens?"
Customer: "Tried but nothing."”
Tech Support: "“What key did you hit?"
After a moment and some chick ling sound the customer replied: "Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key."
Tech Support: "This is quite bad. Please pack up your computer and return it to the place you bought it."
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