Australian Poem Competition ...
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU.'
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu ..
The audience went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal made his way to the microphone and recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I buck one, and Timbuktu.
The aboriginal won.
LESSONS from a golf pro
A man went to a golf pro for some advice on his grip.
“Well, what should I do?” asked the man.
“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you'd hold your wife's breast.”
Taking the pro’s advice, he took a swing, and POW, he hit the ball 250 yards straight down the fairway. The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.
The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and said, “No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.”
“What can I do?” asked the wife.
“Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood.”
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and THUMP! - the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
“You know, that was a lot better than I expected,” said the pro. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands.”
The outhouse
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
The Italian Lover (an oldie)
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido, was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?”
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU.'
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu ..
The audience went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal made his way to the microphone and recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I buck one, and Timbuktu.
The aboriginal won.
LESSONS from a golf pro
A man went to a golf pro for some advice on his grip.
“Well, what should I do?” asked the man.
“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you'd hold your wife's breast.”
Taking the pro’s advice, he took a swing, and POW, he hit the ball 250 yards straight down the fairway. The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.
The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and said, “No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.”
“What can I do?” asked the wife.
“Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood.”
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and THUMP! - the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
“You know, that was a lot better than I expected,” said the pro. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands.”
The outhouse
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
The Italian Lover (an oldie)
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido, was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?”
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
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