Ask The Wizard

Send your questions to The Wizard by clicking on the "Contact The Wizard" Form on the right hand side of 'OZ'. The Wizard will try to answer all questions submitted promptly. The Wizard cannot guarantee a question will be posted on 'OZ', however, all questions submitted will be answered by return email. The Wizard, 'OZ', or their affiliates do not collect, save, sell , or publish email addresses for any reason.

Dear Wizard of OZ,

My girlfriend is a very jealous sort, and recently she has refused to be allow me in public with or without her. We only go to family gatherings. The only problem is that her sister is extremely attractive and has been giving me mixed signals. For example, last week we were at the shooting range (my girlfriend is a marksman who was recently released from prison) and my pistol jammed.

As my girlfriend tried to discover what was wrong, her sister came flying across the room, slapped her to the ground, and put the barrel of the gun in her mouth. She stared directly at me as she sucked the dented cartridge from the chamber, smiled demurely, and put the wasted shell in my pocket. Next week is the annual Family Naked Boar Wrestling Contest and my girlfriend's birthday.

What should I get her for a present?

Signed,

Wearing a Bullseye

Dear Mr. Concentric Circles,

Well, women always appreciate flowers. Some Band-Aids® might be nice, too, in case she gets a nick from a boar bristle or something.

Best,

The Wizard



Dear Wizard of OZ,

My company just laid me off, and I have 2 weeks until I face unemployment. My car is this piece-of-shit 1978 Pacer, and I just got a date with this really hot guy that I met at the Bowl-A-Rama. Trouble is, he's a drag queen. What should I do with my last $350?

Signed,

Poor And Horny

Dear Anxious,

Is he cute?

Yrs,

The Wizard



Dear Wizard of OZ,

What should I do?

Signed,

Wondering


Dear Wondering,

Shit or get off the pot.

Yrs,

The Wizard



Dear Wizard of OZ,

Should I squeeze my zits, or just leave them alone?

Signed,

Pock Marked


Dear Spotty,

It kind of depends.

Yrs,

The Wizard



Dear Wizard of OZ:

Everybody thinks I'm a real mean guy. I guess it's because I've got a crew-cut and a goatee, and look like if Henry Rollins never made it to the gym. But inside, I'm just a teddy bear, unless you expect me to actually pitch a softball over the plate, when I go ballistic. How can I let people know that I'm a sweetie?

Signed,

Just Another Maligned Individual

p.s. You know, in your picture, you look a lot like Tim's honorable sidekick in Home Improvement.


Dear Advice-seeker,

Do I, really? I don't watch much TV.

Yrs,

The Wizard



Dear Wizard of OZ,

My sister just married a junkie with AIDS, so my father bought a Thompson sub-machine gun on the black market, and went looking for him. The cops picked him up and sent him to jail, so my mother applied for welfare. My other two sisters went to work as streetwalkers in an effort to help support mom and me. As a result, we make too much money to be qualified for food stamps.

My mother finally got a job as a chicken plucker at the local KFC. But she had to quit after a week because she found out that she was allergic to eggs. Her boss said something about.."getting laid too often". Anyway..my problem is this: Should I wear a red dress or a black dress to go along with my blonde wig and purple lipstick to the high school dance next week? My friends say that it's just a little too much. I really value your opinion. So let me have it !

yours truly,

Ima Fella


Dear Fashion-plate,

In my experience, it's really hard to go wrong with black. Suitable for day or night, elegant and yet understated, black is the perfect choice for many events that require clothing. And it's slimming as well!

Best of Luck,

The Wizard