A Final Confession

by Kakera

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
It's been twenty years since my last confession.

Since then, I've been stuck in the borderlands
between dreams and reality, fighting,
hoping to forever lose my face.

For the past five years,
I've painted myself as a demon -
a herald of heartbreak -
so that this sinful I could continue to carry
the crosses of every heart I left behind.

Every train wreck of a soul I created,
unintentionally, just by existing:
My twisted insides kicking and screaming.

I've transcended the purpose of safety-nets,
wishing to reach catharsis by self-reflection.

I built my holy land out of solitude,
with my loneliness gaping wide,
but there's no place far away enough
away from everyone else
for me to not to break what I try to cherish;

It worked for a while though, being a demon,
collecting fragments of every heart I broke

But it's not who I am - It's who I needed to be
to allow the victims of my cruel love
some peace and closure, a letting go:

In hindsight, no imagination could've devised
an idea clever enough to prevent my shadows
from consuming everything around them,

unless it meant me carrying crosses heavy enough
for them to usher me down into the soil.

But it's not who I am - It's who I wanted to never become:
being unclean is easier, it helps with the guilt after all,
but at some point there'll always be a breaking point -
and the sinful crosses my shoulders achingly continue to carry
are too much to bear.

I won't allow it any longer.
It'd be a sin in and of itself to continue farther,
because I've become a self-fulfilling prophecy -

Instead, maybe it's time to just let go of the past:
forgive myself, after these formative years?

If so, then my final confession is not that,
but rather a formal request:
Bear witness to my rebirth.

Because the real catharsis did arrive,
a long time ago, even though I pretended otherwise.

So witness the shape my butterfly will take
after I leave this cocoon of rainbows,
and pray that my wings will have colour,
that I will know beauty this time -

Pray that I won't have to become a demon
this time.

Pray that this is the last time I'll ever need
a metamorphosis;
a reincarnation -
transformation.

Pray that this time the rainbow cocoon
will give my love
some colour.