Hyuk!

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115," says the woman. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," the woman says. The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

A lady calls the airline customer-service agent, wanting to know if she could take her dog on board. The agent told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. He further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.

"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" she said, and hung up.

There are two things Navy Seals are always taught:

1. Keep your priorities in order.
2. Know when to act without hesitation.

A college professor, avowed atheist and active member of the A.C.L.U. was teaching his college class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that once and for all he was going to prove that there was no God.

Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by. "I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!!!"

Again after four minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God- - - !! I'm still waiting!!!"

His count down got down to the last couple minutes when a Navy Seal, who was just released from the Navy, after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and had newly registered for the class, walked up to the Professor. The Seal hit him full force in the face. This sent the Professor tumbling from his platform. The Professor was out cold.

The students were stunned and shocked.

They began to babble in confusion. The Seal nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat in silence. The class looked at him and fell silent also waiting. Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the Seal in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak, he asked:

"What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Seal said, "God was really busy, protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like an ass. So, He sent me."

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it.

Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just a lazy old fart."

"OK," said the man. "Now give me the latin term so I can tell my wife.

Sadie was in her backyard hanging up her washing when Sarah, her next door neighbor, poked her head over the fence and said, "I don't like being the one to have to tell you this Sadie, but there's a rumor going around that your husband Max is chasing women."

"So what?"

"But at his age! He's over 70 isn't he?"

"So he's seventy-two, so what? Let him chase girls. Dogs chase cars, but when they catch one, can they drive it?"