Hey all you readers! I have a quick question.... why are my traffic numbers falling off so much?
PLEASE, make a comment.
What do you wanna read on
'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow??
Yours,
--The Wizard
Welcome to 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow!! Posting is at 10AM, Noon and 2PM CST daily. Up to 12 days of posts on the main page. The archives have more. You can forward posts by clicking on the envelope at the bottom of the post. Enjoy your stay! *** If you need to contact me, or have a copyright issue, please use the "Contact The Wizard" form on the left side of 'OZ'. Original source and author is cited and credited in each post where possible. ***
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
The View From 'OZ'
Hey all you readers! I have a quick question.... why are my traffic numbers falling off so much?
PLEASE, make a comment.
What do you wanna read on
'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow??
How Many People Have YOU Been Exposed To?
The first number is the Number of Sexual Partners.
If each of your partners has had only the same number of partners as you had at the time you had sex. The second number is the Number of People You Are Exposed to:
If each of your partners has had only the same number of partners as you had at the time you had sex. The second number is the Number of People You Are Exposed to:
Explanation of Chart
For this calculation, we assume that each time you had a new partner, they had only had as many partners as you had. So when you had your first, we assume you were his first. You now have one person who has only had you as a partner. Add to that a second partner who is in the same situation as you--only having had one prior partner. Now you are exposed to your first, your second, plus your second's first. Then bring in a third who is in the same situation as you. You are now exposed to your prior partners plus your third's first partner, your third's second partner, and now your third's second partner's first partner. See how it works? A little sex goes a long way!
2 Friends
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looks quizically and says, " You don't like getting flowers?" The redhead replies, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving the flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
BEST CUSTOMER SERVICE REPLY...
The Greatest Letter Ever Printed On NFL Team Letterhead…
In 1974, a Clevelander wrote the Browns complaining of the menace posed by the then-fad of throwing paper airplanes, and implicitly threatened litigation. The Browns' response is just about the most awesome thing ever committed to paper.
If picture is too small, click on it to read...
In 1974, a Clevelander wrote the Browns complaining of the menace posed by the then-fad of throwing paper airplanes, and implicitly threatened litigation. The Browns' response is just about the most awesome thing ever committed to paper.
If picture is too small, click on it to read...
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| Click for larger view |
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| Click on piture for larger view |
*Thanks, Gary
Monday, July 30, 2012
Top 10 signs of a dysfunctional family...
10. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
9. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
8. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.
7. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
6. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
5. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
4. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.
3. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.
2. Family discussions usually begin with, "Putthegundown."
1. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
9. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
8. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.
7. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
6. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
5. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
4. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.
3. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.
2. Family discussions usually begin with, "Putthegundown."
1. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
Can You Figure It Out?
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own... The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through!!
At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers; the other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?
Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down...
At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers; the other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?
Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down...
Printerr Problem
A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk.
So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Below is what he found.
Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to.
So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Below is what he found.
Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Air passenger dropped his trousers
A passenger at Cologne airport stunned staff who asked him to remove his belt by taking off his trousers instead.
The 35-year-old was checking in for a flight to Munich when the security signal went off as he was searched.
Staff told him to remove his wide belt, which was covered in metal rivets.
At first the man refused but then airport police told him it was the only way they would allow him to fly.
He finally gave in but instead of taking off his belt, he stripped out of his trousers and put them through the x-ray machine.
He then walked through the security gate in only in his underwear before getting back his trousers on the other side.
Airport security spokesman Guenter Ahr told the Express news the rules that led to the strip were necessary.
"You never know whether something is being hidden inside a belt and the rivets are only there to distract staff," he said.
*Note: this happened to The Wizard at Diefenbaker International Airport in Saskatoon SK Canada, I didn't 'take' my pants off, but I was holding them up with my hand and was ready to walk through the metal detector and security said, "Hands at your sides!" I protested but he said it again, so as I let go of my pants, as I walked thru the detector, my pants fell down, revealing my underwear... I was totally embarrassed!
The 35-year-old was checking in for a flight to Munich when the security signal went off as he was searched.
Staff told him to remove his wide belt, which was covered in metal rivets.
At first the man refused but then airport police told him it was the only way they would allow him to fly.
He finally gave in but instead of taking off his belt, he stripped out of his trousers and put them through the x-ray machine.
He then walked through the security gate in only in his underwear before getting back his trousers on the other side.
Airport security spokesman Guenter Ahr told the Express news the rules that led to the strip were necessary.
"You never know whether something is being hidden inside a belt and the rivets are only there to distract staff," he said.
*Note: this happened to The Wizard at Diefenbaker International Airport in Saskatoon SK Canada, I didn't 'take' my pants off, but I was holding them up with my hand and was ready to walk through the metal detector and security said, "Hands at your sides!" I protested but he said it again, so as I let go of my pants, as I walked thru the detector, my pants fell down, revealing my underwear... I was totally embarrassed!
The Old Couple
The two old boys were rocking back and forth on the front porch of the Happy Trails Gay Senior home. They had been together for more than 50 years, and now they enjoying their golden years at the retirement centre.
Slowly they rocked, in rhythm as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly Bruce stopped, grabbed his cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit Mort across the shins.
Poor old Mort's eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"
"That's fer fifty years of bad sex," Bruce said.
Mort just nodded his head, saying nothing.
Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly Mort stopped, and picked up his cane.
He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit Bruce across the shins.
As soon as Bruce's eyes quit watering and he could speak he asked, "What was that fer?"
"That," said Mort, as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference."
Slowly they rocked, in rhythm as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly Bruce stopped, grabbed his cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit Mort across the shins.
Poor old Mort's eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"
"That's fer fifty years of bad sex," Bruce said.
Mort just nodded his head, saying nothing.
Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly Mort stopped, and picked up his cane.
He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit Bruce across the shins.
As soon as Bruce's eyes quit watering and he could speak he asked, "What was that fer?"
"That," said Mort, as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference."
KEEPING MEN ON TARGET
A talking toilet that warns men about missing their target has become a hot seller in Germany.
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| Ice cream 'poop' served in a toilet dish in Japan |
Women fed up with men with a poor aim are reportedly particularly keen to buy the new gadget, according to the Herald Sun newspaper.
It is placed under the toilet rim and, if the seat is lifted, declares in a stern female tone:
"What are you up to then? Put the seat back down right away. You are definitely not to pee standing up ... you will make a right mess."
The talking toilet is set to be sold across Europe.
It is placed under the toilet rim and, if the seat is lifted, declares in a stern female tone:
"What are you up to then? Put the seat back down right away. You are definitely not to pee standing up ... you will make a right mess."
The talking toilet is set to be sold across Europe.
Be sure to visit
Steve Martin Park
Recently, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg had the idea to turn a small area of garden nearby David Letterman’s studio into an official city park. Letterman approved, and just like that David Letterman Park was created. Pretty cool for Dave, pretty upsetting for Steve Martin. Where’s his park? He went ahead and made his own, right next to Dave’s. And his is a lot cooler. Check it out.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Giggles, Guffaws, and Groaners
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
Quick Wit:
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!' and it didn't move."
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
Quick Wit:
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!' and it didn't move."
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Manhole
This is hilarious. The expressions on faces is priceless..
for a second I think they seriously thought that they must be losing their minds.......
*Thanks, Gary
The Pirate Song
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum
"Avast there mates, ye're sailin'
With Long John Black Beard
Peg-Leg, Patch-Eye Hook
Scourge of the bounding main
Bloodthirstiest, black-heartiest"
"Pirate captain ever sailed the seven seas ha, ha, ha
What say ye, we hoist the Jolly Roger
Heel over the yonder Spanish galleon
Lay a few broadsides agin' her timers"
"Swing over on these here lanyards
With our cutlasses in our teeth
Cut 'em to ribbons and split the booty
What say ye to that, me hearties?
Heh, ha, ha, ha, ha"
"I don't like it"
"You don't like it?"
"I don't like it and I don't wanna do it
It's tacky, tacky, tacky and don't look at me that way"
"Well, if you don't like it, what do you want?"
I want to sing and dance, I want to sing and dance
I want to be a pirate in the Pirates of Penzance
Wear me silver buckled slippers and me tight shiny pants
I want to sing and dance
"You want to sing and dance, heh
You don't like plundering, aye?
Well, shiver me timbers 'ow 'bout treasuring, huh?
Rubies, emeralds and pearls
Gold doubloons and British sovereigns"
"Silver chalices encrusted with diamonds and jewels
Necklaces and bracelets of every shape and size
Fit for the crown heads of Europe, aye?"
"And all buried in a pirate's chest
And I just happen to know where
How about that me bloodthirsty Buckos, heh?
Ha, ha, ha"
"I don't like it"
"You don't like it?"
"I don't like it and I don't want it"
"He don't want it"
"And I won't do it, I'm an artiste"
"An artiste, well, Mister Artiste, what do you want?"
I want to sing and dance, I want to sing and dance
I want to be a pirate in the Pirates of Penzance
Wear me silver buckled slippers and me tight shiny pants
I want to sing and dance
"Now, listen hear, this ain't no floating Gilbert and Sullivan show
You know for some little flittin' tinkerbell
This here be a black hearted pirate ship
And I would have you keel hauled if you weren't me
Own flesh and blood you little twit!
So you don't like plunderin' aye?"
"I don't like it"
"And you don't want no treasurin' ah?"
"I don't want it"
"And you probably don't want no groggin' and revelin'
And wrenchin' and rummin' either I suppose?"
"Well, deep down you want to know the truth?
It's not me, I don't want it"
"Well, what do you want As if I didn't already bleein' know?"
"I want to sing and dance and"
"I know, I know and wear your tight little shiny pants
Huh, okay, we'll all sing and dance
I said, we'll all sing and dance
Or you'll walk the plank, one two free"
I want to sing and dance, I want to sing and dance
I want to be a pirate in the Pirates of Penzance
Wear me silver buckled slippers and me tight shiny pants
I want to sing and dance
("You hear the Captain and twit's voice say")
"I like it, I like it"
"I kinda like it me own self"
"Thought you would"
Sixteen men on a dead man's chest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum
"I don't like rum"
"You don't like rum?"
"Well, no, actually, well, I might like a little Perrier"
"A little Perrier?"
"With a lime in it"
"A lime in it?
He wants a lime in it"
"Well, do you have any Escargot?"
"Escar, what?"
"What's the soup today?"
"Soup?"
"Might have a bit of a salad too"
"Well, how about a bleeding finger bowl?"
"Maybe a croissant, is that right?
Those French make everything so hard
Why didn't they just call it a bun?"
Copied from MetroLyrics.com
Friday, July 27, 2012
Baptist Bathroom
A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.
So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "does your campground have its own "B.C.?"
When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church. So he sent this reply.
Dear Madam:
The B.C. is located nine miles from the camp ground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week.
Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there.
We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them. Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly.
It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather.
Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground.
So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "does your campground have its own "B.C.?"
When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church. So he sent this reply.
Dear Madam:
The B.C. is located nine miles from the camp ground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week.
Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there.
We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them. Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly.
It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather.
Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground.
Gorilla Language
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy up. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means, "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better -- and he vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage, where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.
Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage, where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.
Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Take them back
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go. He said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go. He said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Canadian Light Source Synchrotron
-SASKATOON (WP*)
The Canadian Light Source (CLS) synchrotron is the biggest science project in Canada in more than 30 years. (We don't 'need' a world's largest coffee pot, dirty hoe etc... when we have the CLS Synchrotron!)
The Synchrotron began its operations in spring 2004 with 12 beamlines. Located in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada, the football field-sized, $173.5-million project is a unique national facility that will light the way to a new era of science and innovation for academic, industrial and governmental researchers.
This high-performance research tool will be used by scientists in a wide variety of disciplines for years to come. It will help Canada retain and attract top researchers. Take that, Dog River! (Spit!)
A synchrotron is a machine that guides charged particles, such as electrons, into an orbit. At the CLS, an electron gun sends electrons whirling around inside a hollow donut-shaped tube called an "electron storage ring." Inside the storage ring is a vacuum. Almost all the air and moisture has been pumped out so that the electrons will not bump into molecules and lose energy. The CLS has two storage rings: an X-Ray Ring and a VUV (Vacuum Ultra-Violet) Ring. As the electrons round each bend in the ring, they are guided by powerful magnets and give off energy in the form of light. This is called "synchrotron light".
Commonly called a synchotron... incorrectly.
Click here for a picture.
*WP= Wizard of 'OZ' Press
The Canadian Light Source (CLS) synchrotron is the biggest science project in Canada in more than 30 years. (We don't 'need' a world's largest coffee pot, dirty hoe etc... when we have the CLS Synchrotron!)
The Synchrotron began its operations in spring 2004 with 12 beamlines. Located in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada, the football field-sized, $173.5-million project is a unique national facility that will light the way to a new era of science and innovation for academic, industrial and governmental researchers.
This high-performance research tool will be used by scientists in a wide variety of disciplines for years to come. It will help Canada retain and attract top researchers. Take that, Dog River! (Spit!)
A synchrotron is a machine that guides charged particles, such as electrons, into an orbit. At the CLS, an electron gun sends electrons whirling around inside a hollow donut-shaped tube called an "electron storage ring." Inside the storage ring is a vacuum. Almost all the air and moisture has been pumped out so that the electrons will not bump into molecules and lose energy. The CLS has two storage rings: an X-Ray Ring and a VUV (Vacuum Ultra-Violet) Ring. As the electrons round each bend in the ring, they are guided by powerful magnets and give off energy in the form of light. This is called "synchrotron light".
Commonly called a synchotron... incorrectly.
Click here for a picture.
*WP= Wizard of 'OZ' Press
The Confused Philosopher
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
An whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scarey that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will steal the toilet?
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy on the streets?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Who coined the phrase: 'To coin a phrase'?
How come only fat people drink diet cola?
If books get dog-ears, do dogs get book-ears?
If love isn't a game, why are there so many players?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why are there D batteries, C batteries, AAA batteries, AA batteries, but no B or single A batteries?
If an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and a stitch in time saves nine, would surgery cost less if only healthy organs were removed?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
A point to ponder...
The Lord's prayer is 66 words. The Gettysburg Address is 286 words. There are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence but the government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
An whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scarey that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will steal the toilet?
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy on the streets?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Who coined the phrase: 'To coin a phrase'?
How come only fat people drink diet cola?
If books get dog-ears, do dogs get book-ears?
If love isn't a game, why are there so many players?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why are there D batteries, C batteries, AAA batteries, AA batteries, but no B or single A batteries?
If an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and a stitch in time saves nine, would surgery cost less if only healthy organs were removed?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
A point to ponder...
The Lord's prayer is 66 words. The Gettysburg Address is 286 words. There are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence but the government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
SHERMAN HEMSLEY DEAD at 74
from TMZ.com via Celebrity Death Beeper
 |
| Sherman Hemsley |
Hemsley died at his home in El Paso, Texas.
Sources tell us ... it appears Hemsley died from natural causes.
Hemsley, who was 74, became famous during his appearances on "All in the Family." The spin-off, "The Jeffersons" was a monster hit. He also starred in the TV show, "Amen." He was also a professional singer and even released the single in 1989, "Ain't that A Kick in the Head."
YUK YUKS
Scared Sleepless
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Let me take care of it," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Crazy Laws - Indiana
Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.
All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.
Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.
Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.
State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.
You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her.
No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.
If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices.
A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.
In Elkhart IN, it is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.
In South Bend IN, It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Let me take care of it," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Crazy Laws - Indiana
Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.
All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.
Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.
Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.
State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.
You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her.
No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.
If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices.
A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.
In Elkhart IN, it is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.
In South Bend IN, It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
The DEEP DEEP SOUTH
Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature honeymoon'...
He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a man b'fore."
"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head...
Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into his truck.... down the mountain.... straight to his parents house... rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" .....
His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here?"
Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue an I was in the' cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I could!"
His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON, Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"
*Wizard's Note: No offence, eh?
A Queen Can Always Spot A Queen
Miss Thing, and Priscilla Prickme, two very piss elegant, but very drunk drag queens, were staggering their way home.
But, no matter how messy they were, these girls could spot a find a block away. Especially if it was glittery and possibly valuable.
As they stumbled along the street, Miss Thing noticed a gold toned compact on the sidewalk and trying oh so hard to maintain her balance, leaned down to pick it up.
She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
Priscilla said, "Let me look."
So Miss Thing handed her the compact.
Priscilla looked in the mirror then turned to her friend and exclaimed: "You dumbass -- that's *me*!
But, no matter how messy they were, these girls could spot a find a block away. Especially if it was glittery and possibly valuable.
As they stumbled along the street, Miss Thing noticed a gold toned compact on the sidewalk and trying oh so hard to maintain her balance, leaned down to pick it up.
She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
Priscilla said, "Let me look."
So Miss Thing handed her the compact.
Priscilla looked in the mirror then turned to her friend and exclaimed: "You dumbass -- that's *me*!
Sally Ride, first US woman in space dead at 61
from Celebrity Death Beeper
Sally Ride, the first American woman to journey into space, died on Monday after a 17-month battle with pancreatic cancer, her foundation announced. She was 61.
Ride first launched into space in 1983 aboard the Challenger shuttle, taking part in the seventh mission of US space shuttle program.
US President Barack Obama called her a "national hero and a powerful role model" who "inspired generations of young girls to reach for the stars."
"Sally's life showed us that there are no limits to what we can achieve and I have no doubt that her legacy will endure for years to come," he added, in a statement offering condolences to Ride's family and friends.
NASA administrator Charles Bolden said in a statement Ride "literally changed the face of America's space program" and that "the nation has lost one of its finest leaders, teachers, and explorers."
The agency's deputy administrator Lori Garver added that the trailblazing astronaut was a "personal and professional role model to me and thousands of women around the world."
Tributes quickly poured in on the micro-blogging website Twitter including from women who remembered learning as young girls of Ride's pioneering flight.
"I was seven in the summer of 1983. Sally Ride was simply everything," read one. Another declared: "RIP Sally Ride -- you inspired me to believe that, as a female, anything was possible. May your journey to the stars be swift.
In an interview marking the 25th anniversary of the mission, Ride said she was so dazzled that she only later "came to appreciate what an honor it was to be selected to be the first (US woman) to get a chance to go into space."
Ride, born May 26, 1951, in southern California, earned degrees in physics and English from Stanford University.
She applied to be an astronaut at US space agency NASA in 1977, after seeing an ad in her university's student newspaper. It was the first time the space agency had allowed applications from civilians -- or from women.
Ride was one of 35 people, including just six women, chosen from a pool of 8,000 applicants.
She flew in two space missions, logging nearly 350 hours in space. However, after the Challenger explosion that killed all seven crew members, her third planned mission was grounded in 1986.
Ride served on the commission to investigate the accident, and was then assigned to NASA headquarters. She retired from the agency in 1987.
On her foundation's website, Ride said of her historic foray into space: "The thing I'll remember most about the flight is that it was fun."
According to the foundation, Ride became an advocate "inspiring young people, especially girls, to stick with their interest in science, to become scientifically literate, and to consider careers in science and engineering."
She founded Sally Ride Science in 2001, directed NASA-funded education projects, and also co-authored seven science books for children.
Ride is survived by Tam O'Shaughnessy, her partner of 27 years, as well as by her mother, sister, niece and nephew.
SASKATCHEWAN IS NOW BILINGUAL
I JUST LOVE THIS SIGN IT SAYS
'CHEKAY CHEKAY WHOA'
A real sign in Porcupine Plain, SK.
For those wannabe Ukrainians, the sign says "Wait Wait Whoa".
If you didn't know that, then no more holubtsi, pyrohy or kovbasa for you!
Monday, July 23, 2012
Bad Joke
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
"The Best Interest of Others"
THE THIMBLE
One day when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's their story, and they're sticking to it.
One day when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's their story, and they're sticking to it.
AMEN!
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What can you learn from this demonstration?"
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
Sunday, July 22, 2012
21st Century Babies...
Where babies come from in the 21st century. One day, a very young Cyrus asked his father: "Daddy, how was I born?"
"Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway," his father replied.
"Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room online". "Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe."
"We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:
'You have Male'!"
Hee-Haws
1. Birds of a feather flock together, and then crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved...is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
14. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
15. The only difference between a rut and a grave...is the depth!
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved...is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
14. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
15. The only difference between a rut and a grave...is the depth!
ITALIAN PASTA DIET
IT REALLY WORKS !!
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
Also:
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
Also:
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
YUK YUKS
The Cannibal
A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.
Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"
The Art Collector
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
Titles in today's Markets
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
Cranky Old Man....
What are you thinking?.... When you're looking at me?
A cranky old man…. Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit…. With faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food…. and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice…. 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice…. the things that you do.
And forever is losing…. a sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not…. lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding…. the long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?.... Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse…. You're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am…. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding…. as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten…. with a father and mother.
Brothers and sisters…. who love one another.
A young boy of Sixteen…. with wings on his feet.
Dreaming that soon now…. a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty…. my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows…. that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five…. now I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide…. and a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty…. my young now grown fast.
Bound to each other…. with ties that should last.
At Forty my young sons…. have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me…. to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more…. babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children…. my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me…. my wife is now dead.
I look at the future…. I shudder with dread.
For my young are all…. rearing young of their own.
And I think of the years…. and the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man…. and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age…. look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles…. grace and vigour, depart.
There is now a stone…. where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass…. A young man still dwells,
And now and again…. My battered heart swells.
I remember the joys…. I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living…. life over again.
I think of the years…. all too few gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact…. that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people…. open and see.
Not a cranky old man.
Look closer….see….ME!!
Friday, July 20, 2012
New GM Chevrolet Volt Ad Targets Gay And Lesbian Consumers With Humour
We think this ad for General Motors' Chevrolet Volt is really clever and fun—and we have to admit, we love being the targeted demographic for a car company!
And why wouldn't we be?
According to a recent marketing survey, "Gay and lesbian consumers prefer fuel-efficient cars, account for 5% of new car purchases and have average household income in the six figures -- more than that of heterosexual households."
No wonder auto companies are now actively courting us! We put out.
According to Detroit Free Press, this particular ad for the Chevrolet Volt, described as "a pricey extended-range electric, the type of car studies show gay and lesbian consumers tend to like," wasn't expected to garner the national attention that it has.
It was published for $750 in the Motor City Pride edition of Between the Lines, a Michigan gay and lesbian newspaper. Now the ad's been viewed a whopping 11 million times through social media.
Quite the good advertising investment.
GM spokesman Tom Henderson says that the Volt ad's success "told us that this was something worth undertaking when the opportunities present themselves," which could mean more gay-targeted marketing.
"If it's a manufacturer's desire to bring in wealthier, better-educated, younger customers, then the lesbian and gay market would be an avenue to that demographic," said Chris Travell, vice president of consulting for Maritz Research, which surveyed 200,000 consumers in 2011 and found that gay and lesbian households made 10% more money.
Detroit Free Press says, "There are studies that show gay and lesbian consumers have particular wants and auto companies could play to that, experts say.
On average, lesbian and gay car buyers are more likely to embrace fuel-efficient vehicles and high-tech features, experts said. Toyota, Ford, Honda and Chevrolet are the most popular brands among gay and lesbian consumers, according to San Francisco-based Community Marketing."
This doesn't mean they're looking for a "gay" car though. As Michigan couple, Nick Graham and Dustin Dreese revealed, "We didn't buy a gay car," Graham said. "At the end of the day, what amenities are you going to give a gay person that a straight person isn't going to enjoy?"
Still, we don't mind companies like GM showing us a little love. We're happy to show it right back!
What do you think of the ad (and this type of targeted marketing), Instincters?
Solar Lights
I have a friend who used her Solar Lights inside the house at night when the electric power went off during a hurricane. She stuck them in jars and bottles and said they gave off plenty of 'free light' in each room. She put them outside in the daytime and brought them back inside at night for several days while the power was off. They are safe to use and cheaper than batteries. She recommended we bring a Solar Light into our own house one night to test it for ourselves.
Due to a thunderstorm, we lost power for about 5 hours one night. We were scrambling around in the darkness, looking for matches, candles, and flashlights. Then we looked outside and noticed our Solar Lights shining brightly all around the patio, stairs & dock. My wife walked outside and brought several of the solar lights inside.
We stuck the Solar Light pipes into plastic drink bottles and they made the nicest, brightest, safest, lighting you could imagine. We put one in the bathroom, one in the kitchen and in the living room.
There many types of Solar Lights available. We bought quite a few and put them all around our yard. They look nice and do not attract flying bugs like the outdoor lights around our doorway. The lights we have fit into 20-oz. Water bottles and also fit into most larger 2 liter bottles.
If you need a weight in the plastic bottle to keep them from tipping over, put in a few of the colorful flat marbles they put in aquariums and vases. You can also use sand, aquarium gravel, or whatever you have available.
The Solar Lights we have are perfect inside our home. They burn all night when needed and next day we take them back outside where they recharge and are ready for use again when needed.
Solar Lights are the perfect light solution for power outages. I had never thought of it before seeing what my friend did, and now you know about this idea too.
This is one BRIGHT idea!!