PENSION SEX

PENSION SEX


Two men were talking.
'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special.
I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know;
I get a little each month,
but not enough to live on!'



LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed
and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said,
'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained,
'it wakes me up!'


QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life,
the man came right out and asked his wife
During a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied,
'You're never home!'




CONFOUNDED SEX


A man was in a terrible accident,
and his 'manhood'
was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine
could give him back his manhood,
but that his insurance wouldn't cover the
surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be
$3,500 for 'small,
$6,500 for 'medium,
and $14,000 for 'large.'



The man was sure he would
want a medium or large,
but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife
before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone
and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room,
and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?'
asked the doctor.


'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'




WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX


A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel
on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting
You a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die,
I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'


WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly
and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right!
When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.



ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman
came home from Bingo and found
Her 92 year-old husband
in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him
off the balcony of their 20th floor,
assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court
on the charge of murder,
The judge asked her if she had
anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor.
I figured that at 92,
if he could have sex...
He could also fly.'

*Thanks DW