Giggles, Gaffaws and Groaners...

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students: "The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?" 

  

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. 

Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?” 

“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation. 

“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?” 

“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.” 

 

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows. 

  

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. 

The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. 

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. 

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" 

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles." 

 

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. 

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" 

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" 

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running." 

  

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week? A: A widow. 

  

A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered. 

Salesman: May I speak to your mother? 

Child: She is not here. 

Salesman: Well, is anyone else there? 

Child: My sister 

Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her? 

Child: I guess so. There was a long silence on the other phone. 

Then: Child: Hello? 

Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister. Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.