First-Ever Gay 'Dear John' Letters Begin Reaching U.S. Troops Overseas

BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN—Hailed as a monumental step toward equality by gay rights activists, hundreds of Dear John letters reportedly began reaching newly outed troops overseas this week, notifying soldiers for the first time ever that their same-sex partners back home were leaving them and starting a new life with someone else.

According to Pentagon observers, the torrent of brusque, callous letters—which followed Tuesday's repeal of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy—has left romantically betrayed homosexuals in every branch of the service grappling with feelings of rejection and despair, a momentous milestone in U.S. military history.

"For too long, gays and lesbians in the armed forces were barred from receiving such letters, leaving them woefully unaware that the person they once called their soul mate had been cheating on them throughout their deployment," said Clarence Navarro of the Human Rights Campaign, an LGBT advocacy group. "But now all troops, regardless of their sexual orientation, are free to have their entire lives ripped out from underneath them in a single short note."

"This is a great day for homosexuals," Navarro added. "Even those who now have nothing to return home to."

Navarro told reporters the Defense Department's willingness to embrace gay soldiers, including those suddenly plunged into gut- wrenching heartache in an unforgiving war zone 8,000 miles from home, was a sign the American military had finally moved into the 21st century.

--more at TheOnion.com-