The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store

Card 1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) -I've changed my mind.

Card 2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life....
(Inside card) -I never believed in Hell until I met you.

Card 3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) -That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Card 4. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) -Too bad no one likes your husband.

Card 5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) -Someone other than you.

Card 6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) -Almost lifelike!

Card 7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) -Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

Card 8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) -What do you say we stop?

Card 9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) -It's almost like you're still here.

Card 10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) -Did you ever find out who the father was?

Card 11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) -I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

Card 12. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)

Card 13. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) -What was I thinking?