The Confused Philosopher

-Why is it called a running back when he runs forward?
-What do you call a male ladybug?
-If you strangle a smurf what color does it turn?
-If god sneezes what do you tell him?



-How do the buttons on your phone light up when it isn't plugged in?
-People who can't see are blind and people who can't hear are deaf what do you call people who can't smell?
-How do they get those boats in the glass bottles?
-Why is it called a T.V. set when there's only one?

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-If its 0 degrees today and they say it will be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is that?
-If IHOP stands for International House of Pancakes, why do you only see it in North America
-Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?
-Can a guy named nick have a "nick"name?



-Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you say is your name?
-Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
-If a person owns a piece of land does he own it all the way to the core of the earth?
-Why do they say an alarm clock is going OFF when it's really turning on?



-Does the Prime Minister pay taxes?
-If you wore a teflon suit, can you ever get into a sticky situation?
-If nothing sticks to teflon, how do they get it to stick to the pan?
-If jimmy cracks corn and nobody cares then why is there a song about him?



-And if nobody cares why does he keep doing it?
-Do they have the word dictionary in the dictionary?
-Why is it called a drive through if you have to stop?
-Why are SOFTballs hard?



-Why is it that rain drops and snow falls?
-Does a postman deliver him own mail?
-Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
-Why is it that you ship cargo in a ship but, you have a shipment transported by car?



-Why are boxing rings square?
-What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
-Do sore thumbs really stick out?
-Why do we scrub down and wash up?



-What is the opposite of opposite?
-Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
-Which came first the color orange or the fruit?
-If a cow laughs really hard, does milk come out his nose?



-Can a virus get sick?
-If everything sticks to crazy glue then why doesn't it stick to the bottle?
-Why do they call it your bottom when it is really in the middle of your body?
-Why is the name for fear of long words,
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?



-Why is it that chicken's are "poultry", while chicken eggs are considered "dairy"?
-How fast do hotcakes sell?
-Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
-Why do drugstores make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to buy their medicine while, healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front?
-Don't you find it disturbing that doctors call your treating your ailments their "practice"?



-What do you call a female daddy long legs?
-Why do toasters have a setting that burns your toast to a horrible crisp, that no human in his right mind would eat?
-What do people in China call their good plates?
-If the professor on Gilligan’s Island make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?



-Why is it that people point to their wrist when they want to know the time, but they don't point to their crotch to ask where the bathroom is?
-Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
-If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, then why practice?
-Is the opposite of "Out of whack", "In whack?



-What do you call male ballerina's?
-Who coined the phrase "coin the phrase"?
-Why would Superman want to "leap a building in a single bound" if he can fly?
-How did the headless horseman know where he was going?



-Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouths closed?
-If a man was alone in a woods, and he said something, would he still be wrong?
-Who was the first person to go, "I'll just squeeze these dangly things on this cow and drink what comes out"?
-If you ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?



-If you tried to fail and succeeded, what did you just do?
-Did they have antiques in the olden days?
-Can blind people see their dreams?
-If there is an exception to every rule, what is the exception to that rule?



-Why is it that Trix are only for kids?
-Why is it called getting your dog "fixed", when afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
-If Wile E. Coyote had so much money for all that Acme Crap, then why didn't he just buy dinner?
-Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions when you couldn't possibly know the answer?



-What if the hokey-pokey is all it's about?
-Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty-Dumpty is an egg?
-Why are they called strawberries when they have no straw in them?
-Why is it called an eggplant when there’s no egg in them?



-Why do they sterilize needles for Lethal Injections?
-How can you hear yourself think?
-If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
-If the Flinstone's where from B.C. (before Christ) then why do they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstone Christmas?



-Why don't Piranha eat each other?
-Why don't fish get cramps when they, eat then swim?
-Can a fish choke on a fish bone?
-If chimps are so smart why don't we replace our government with them?(oops too late!)



-If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
-Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
-What size is a penguin’s tux?
-How do they get the deer to cross the road at the yellow signs?



-If a stealth bomber crashes in a woods, does he make a sound?
-How can you tell a clam is happy?
-If a mute person swears, does his mom make him wash his hands with soap?
-If Fed-Ex and UPS where to merge, would they be called Fed-UP?



-If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
-If vegetarians eat only vegetables, what humanitarians eat?
-Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
-Is there a DR. Salt?



-Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper?
-How can somebody be dirt poor, while another is filthy rich?
-Why do black olives come in cans yet green olives come in jars?



-Did Noah keep the bees in an archive?
-If you’re in hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
-If there was a sign makers strike, would anything be written on the sign?
-If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?



-If your plan is to have no plan, do you have a plan?
-If anything’s possible, is it possible that nothings possible?
-What do mermaids eat?
-Why are rubber duckies yellow when real duckies aren't?



-Do sheep get static cling when they rub against each other?
-Do siamese twins pay for 1 or 2 tickets when going to the movies?
-Isn't it scary that the word 'therapist" is "the" and "rapist" put together?
-If you had X-ray vision and closed your eyes, would you still see?



-How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll?
-Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when they're not crackers, they're cookies?
-Have Ex-cowboys become deranged?
-Have Ex-dry cleaners become depressed?