1. A pizza gets to our house faster than an ambulance.
2. There are handicap parking places in front of skating rinks.
3. Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. People order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Banks leave two sets of front doors unlocked and open and then chain their pens to the counters.
6. We leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. We use answering machines to screen calls and then have "call waiting" so we won't miss a call from someone we don't want to talk to in the first place.
8. We buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in package of eight.
9. We use the word "politics" to precisely describe our crazy process: "Poli" in Latin means "many" and "tics" means "bloodsucking creatures".
10. We have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
A Clever Guy
A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.
The Quebecer says, "I want a wall around Quebec to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."
"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"
The guy from Ontario smiles and says, "Fill it with water."
A Child's Wisdom
One day a little boy by the name Timothy, who was about 6 years old, went to his mom and asked her, "How old are you?"
The mom said, "There are some things you should never ask a woman and that is one of them. You will understand when you get older."
Then the boy asked his mom, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
The mom replied, "Like I said there are some things you should never ask a woman and that is one of them. You will understand when you get older."
Later the boy came to his mom and asked, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
The mom told Timothy, "There is some things you should never ask a woman and that is definitely one of them. You will understand when you get older"
So the boy wandered off to his mom's room and found her purse and started looking through it. As he was going through the purse he found her license. He was looking at it and looking and looking.
Then he went back to his mother and told her, "Mommy, I know how old you are."
"How old," she said.
The little boy said, "27". Then he said, "I know how much you weigh."
"How much," she said.
The little boy told her,"You are 130 pounds." I also know why you and daddy got a divorce.
"Why son?" she said.
He said, "Because you have an F in sex."
A Farmer And His Mule
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Nag, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
A Knock At The Door
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this hour," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be a good thing to help him."
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
A Message for George W
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message...
"370HSSV-0773H"
George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and e-mailed it to Condi Rice.
Condi and her aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.
No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Captain Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..."
Adam and Eve
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord ... and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.
2. There are handicap parking places in front of skating rinks.
3. Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. People order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Banks leave two sets of front doors unlocked and open and then chain their pens to the counters.
6. We leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. We use answering machines to screen calls and then have "call waiting" so we won't miss a call from someone we don't want to talk to in the first place.
8. We buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in package of eight.
9. We use the word "politics" to precisely describe our crazy process: "Poli" in Latin means "many" and "tics" means "bloodsucking creatures".
10. We have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
A Clever Guy
A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.
The Quebecer says, "I want a wall around Quebec to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."
"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"
The guy from Ontario smiles and says, "Fill it with water."
A Child's Wisdom
One day a little boy by the name Timothy, who was about 6 years old, went to his mom and asked her, "How old are you?"
The mom said, "There are some things you should never ask a woman and that is one of them. You will understand when you get older."
Then the boy asked his mom, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
The mom replied, "Like I said there are some things you should never ask a woman and that is one of them. You will understand when you get older."
Later the boy came to his mom and asked, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
The mom told Timothy, "There is some things you should never ask a woman and that is definitely one of them. You will understand when you get older"
So the boy wandered off to his mom's room and found her purse and started looking through it. As he was going through the purse he found her license. He was looking at it and looking and looking.
Then he went back to his mother and told her, "Mommy, I know how old you are."
"How old," she said.
The little boy said, "27". Then he said, "I know how much you weigh."
"How much," she said.
The little boy told her,"You are 130 pounds." I also know why you and daddy got a divorce.
"Why son?" she said.
He said, "Because you have an F in sex."
A Farmer And His Mule
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Nag, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
A Knock At The Door
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this hour," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be a good thing to help him."
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
A Message for George W
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message...
"370HSSV-0773H"
George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and e-mailed it to Condi Rice.
Condi and her aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.
No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Captain Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..."
Adam and Eve
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord ... and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.
*Thanks, Daryn
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