The Love Doctor

Dear Love Doctor,

I have been having fantasies about my male friends. They are sexual in nature. I am worried that I might be gay. Am I , or do all guys have fantasies about doing 'things' with other guys?

Signed,

Dazed and confused

Dear Confused,

The thoughts 'I may be gay' is a question that's often asked by young people. Now there is much more openness and honesty about discussing male homosexuality and lesbianism.

Actually, it is quite a difficult question to answer, since we now realise that there is a wide spectrum of sexual orientation – with some people being exclusively gay, some people being exclusively heterosexual and a lot of us falling somewhere in between.

Many homosexual men say they always knew they were gay - right from as early as childhood.

But for other men it isn't so clear cut, and this is perhaps not surprising. After all, we live in a much more touchy-feely society these days.

Grown men hug their friends, and it is no longer frowned upon to hug your brother or dad in public. So men who in previous generations would have had no physical contact with other men, now have quite a lot. No wonder many feel confused.

The important thing is to accept that it is okay not to be sure - and to take your time in deciding which way you want to go.

Does it matter if you sometimes have homosexual thoughts – or gay dreams?

You are not necessarily gay if you sometimes have sexual dreams about other men.

Plenty of men who are heterosexual, and who have never even had a fumble with another guy, have such dreams - though they rarely admit to them.

It does not mean that you are gay if you 'love' your male friends. Plenty of us - male and female - genuinely love our friends. They mean the world to us, but that does not mean we are gay.

It is a different matter if you find you want to see their genitals or long to hold and stroke them sexually.

If you are a young man who finds yourself in love with or deeply attracted to one of your male friends, it can feel very worrying. It may mean that you are gay - though not necessarily so.

But what can you do about it? First, you need to assess whether this man could possibly return your feelings. One way or another, this is often obvious.

For example, if he has shown considerable interest in girls - and maybe has a girlfriend - it is very unlikely that he is going to want to have sex with you.

Just as you would not force yourself sexually on a girl who happened to be your friend, even if you fancied her like crazy, neither should you approach your male friend sexually, unless he gives you any encouraging signs.

Of course, this can be very difficult for you when you feel desperately in love and sexually charged up about a male friend. But the sensible course of action is to keep your desires from him, and to try to discuss your feelings with an expert or someone who you can trust.

The Love Doctor