GIGGLES & GUFFAWS

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . . and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good... spit it out.
~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal