Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to the question "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a sh*t one way or the other.

*Thanks, Allan

PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

*Thanks, SalTCBug

Recognize this?

Well...You SHOULD!

I think that The Partridge Family really are under-rated. With David Cassidy and Shirley Jones at the helm... The Partridge Family music was and is all about feeling good... C'Mon Get Happy! Their music was and is really good... At least as far as I am concerned... Point Me In The Direction of Albuquerque - a most excellent song!

I always had a crush on Mrs. Partridge! (Ok, maybe David Cassidy as well... ;-)

Click on David for his official site


Click Above for some more on The Partridge Family.

FUTUREDRAMA

Click Above.

Time - The Hard Way...

Click above to see it work!

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage Will Ruin Society

1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Straight marriage has been around long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

*Posted at Bligbi

Quickies

Quickie #1
One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went fishing.

Quickie #2
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

Quickie #3
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Quickie #4
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Quickie #5
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Quickie #6
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, herhusband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRA Y? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Quickie #7
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years now.......

Best Commercial -- EVER!

Click above for GREAT Commercial. (wmv - ~1.1MB)

*Thanks, Andy!

Male or Female???

To find the Answer, look down!

NOT HERE…DUMMY !!

Eye Witless

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.


She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, " she replies. . . . . "You just happened to catch my eye."

I'll take "Quotable Quotes" for $1000, Alex

"Knowledge is Power."

-- Francis Bacon

"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."

-- Derek Bok, attributed

"It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data."

-- Arthur Conan Doyle, (Sherlock Holmes, Scandal in Bohemia, 1891)

"If I have seen further,… it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants."

-- Isaac Newton, letter to Robert Hooke, February 5, 1675/76

"Most of the fundamental ideas of science are essentially simple, and may, as a rule, be expressed in a language comprehensible to everyone."

-- Albert Einstein, The Evolution of Physics

"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."

-- Albert Einstein

"The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking."

-- Albert Einstein, Out of My Later Years

"If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?"

-- Albert Einstein

"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as judge in the field of truth and knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the Gods."

-- Albert Einstein

"The only source of knowledge is experience."

-- Albert Einstein

"Creating a new theory is not like destroying an old barn and erecting a skyscraper in its place. It is rather like climbing a mountain, gaining new and wider views, discovering unexpected connections between our starting points and its rich environment. But the point from which we started out still exists and can be seen, although it appears smaller and forms a tiny part of our broad view gained by the mastery of the obstacles on our adventurous way up."

-- Albert Einstein, The Evolution of Physics.

"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18."

-- Albert Einstein

"Things should be made as simple as possible, but not any simpler."

-- Albert Einstein

"We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if mankind is to survive."

-- Albert Einstein

"Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects."

-- Will Rogers

"The greater our knowledge increases, the greater our ignorance unfolds."

-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"The great tragedy of science -- the slaying of a beautiful theory by an ugly fact."

-- T.H. Huxley, Evidence as to Man's Place in Nature.

"An important scientific innovation rarely makes its way by gradually winning over and converting its opponents… What does happen is that its opponents gradually die out, and that the growing generation is familiarized with the ideas from the beginning."

-- Max Planck

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."

-- Bertrand Russell

A LIBERAL DECALOGUE By Bertrand Russell

"Perhaps the essence of the Liberal outlook could be summed up in a new decalogue, not intended to replace the old one but only to supplement it. The Ten Commandments that, as a teacher, I should wish to promulgate, might be set forth as follows:

1. Do not feel absolutely certain of anything.

2. Do not think it worth while to proceed by concealing evidence, for the evidence is sure to come to light.

3. Never try to discourage thinking for you are sure to succeed. 

4. When you meet with opposition, even if it should be from your husband or your children, endeavor to overcome it by argument and not by authority, for a victory dependent upon authority is unreal and illusory.

5. Have no respect for the authority of others, for there are always contrary authorities to be found.

6. Do not use power to suppress opinions you think pernicious, for if you do the opinions will suppress you.

7. Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.

8. Find more pleasure in intelligent dissent that in passive agreement, for, if you value intelligence as you should, the former implies a deeper agreement than the latter.

9. Be scrupulously truthful, even if the truth is inconvenient, for it is more inconvenient when you try to conceal it.

10. Do not feel envious of the happiness of those who live in a fool's paradise, for only a fool will think that it is happiness."

-- The Autobiography of Bertrand Russell, 1944-1969, pp. 71-2

A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling

by Mark Twain

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

And from the other side...

"The youthful brain should in general not be burdened with things ninety-five percent of which it cannot use and hence forgets again… In many cases, the material to be learned in the various subjects is so swollen that only a fraction of it remains in the head of the individual pupil, and only a fraction of this abundance can find application, while on the other hand it is not adequate for the man working and earning his living in a definite field."

-- Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, p. 418.

"Knowledge above the average can be crammed into the average man, but it remains dead, and in the last analysis sterile knowledge. The result is a man who may be a living dictionary but nevertheless falls down miserably in all special situations and decisive moments in life."

-- Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, p. 429.

"The folkish state must not adjust its entire educational work primarily to the inoculation of mere knowledge, but to the breeding of absolutely healthy bodies. The training of mental abilities is only secondary. And here again, first place must be taken by the development of character, especially the promotion of will-power and determination, combined with the training of joy in responsibility, and only in last place comes scientific schooling."

-- Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, p. 408.

"A people of scholars, if they are physically degenerate, weak-willed and cowardly pacifists, will not storm the heavens, indeed, they will not be able to safeguard their existence on this earth."

-- Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, p. 408.

"But it would be absolutely mistaken to regard a wealth of theoretical knowledge as characteristic proof for the qualities and abilities of a leader."

-- Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, p. 580. 

Just ask for the 'SASK CUT'

Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of...

"You know you're from Saskatchewan when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.



2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.



3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.



4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.



5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.



6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.



7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.



8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.



9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.



10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.



11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.



12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.



13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower



14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.



15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.



16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.



17. You have a rag for a gas cap.



18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.



19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean.



20. You can spit without opening your mouth.



21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.



22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.



23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.



24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.



25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.



26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.



27. A tornado hits your neighbourhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.



28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.



29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.



30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

*Thanks, Bright Eyes!

Mouth-shaped urinal sparks complaints

** A Dutch McDonald's has been forced to remove a pair of mouth-shaped urinals after a tourist complained.

The branch in the south east of the Netherlands said it was removing the bright red, mouth-shaped urinals after a disgusted US customer complained to McDonald's head office in America.

Manager of the fast-food outlet Giel Pijper said the urinals, named Kisses, were works of art which he was now going to have to sell off.

The mouth-shaped urinals, designed by Utrecht-based firm Bathroom Mania!, have already caused controversy.

Virgin Airways was forced to scrap plans in 2004 to install two of the Kisses at New York's John F Kennedy airport after complaints they looked like women's mouths.

But designer Meike van Schijndel has denied they were ever conceived as anything rude and said they were designed as a fun cartoon mouth and not as a woman's mouth.

*Ananova
**This is not an actual urinal... I could only find a painting of one... but you get the idea....

R. - B.I.O.N.!

Ask The Love Doctor

Dear Love Doctor,

Is it unreasonable to expect my partner to remember my birthday? We've been together almost five years, and every year he misses it.

He really is very sweet, but he can never remember dates. He says he doesn't mean to, but he can't can't keep it straight.

Birthdays are important to me. For his, I planned a big night and scrimped and saved to buy him new golf equipment.

But, when mine rolls around, nothing!

Last week, I thought I had left enough hints that the big day was coming, but he didn't pick up on it.

Now, he's off on a business trip, and I'm sitting alone and my birthday.

Even a card would have been nice.

What can I do to keep him on track.

Signed,

Disappointed

Dear Disappointed,

Oh, my you are down aren't you? Well, some men just don't remember birthdays and anniversaries. I'm sure he was upset when he discovered he had missed it.

Now, then, it is time to start planning for next year. For his birthday, get him a palm or daytimer, and be sure you fill in the important dates, like, your birthday, Christmas, anniversary.

Get him into the practice of using it right from the start.

Second, whenever he misses a date, make a federal case out of it. Sometimes a little drama is needed. Have a hissy fit. Give him the silent treatment. Make it a big enough show that he won't forget ever again.

I love my birthdays too, and I'd get terribly upset if the day were missed by some uncaring clod. So remember: Men have to be trained just like a puppy. And, sometimes, you need tough love.

The Love Doctor

--Send your questions about love to "The Love Doctor" directly from 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow! I have added an email link that goes direct to The Love Doctor - this will enable quicker responses from him. You can do this by clicking on his picture in the sidebar and put your question in the email. This will ensure that The Love Doctor gets your question. The Love Doctor forwards his replies to me for posting consideration. Note: Due to the high volume of letters that The Love Doctor receives, not all letters will be posted on 'OZ' - but the Love Doctor will reply to every email. (so he says)

P.S.

Dear Husband,

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman for seven years and I have nothing to show forit. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me that you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.



Your EX-Wife

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry away from what you've been.

I watch sports so much trying to drown out your Constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week; the first thing that came to mind was, "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Rich As Hell and Free!
Your Ex-Husband

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this........ but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

*Thanks, Andy!

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

DO YOU KNOW ANY PEOPLE LIKE THESE?????

*Thanks, Andy

Jesus Was...

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 

1. He called everyone brother. 

2. He liked Gospel. 

3. He couldn't get a fair trial. 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 

1. He went into His Father's business. 

2. He lived at home until he was 33. 

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God. 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 

1. He talked with His hands. 

2. He had wine with His meals. 

3. He used olive oil. 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 

1. He never cut His hair. 

2. He walked around barefoot all the time. 

3. He started a new religion. 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a member of The First Nations: 

1. He was at peace with nature. 

2. He ate a lot of fish. 

3. He talked about the Great Spirit. 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments the Jesus was Irish: 

1. He never got married. 

2. He was always telling stories. 

3. He loved green pastures. 

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN: 

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food. 

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it. 

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

*Thanks, Andy

Elephant's Memory - Touching Story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.  On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Theme Songs Every Gay Man Should Know

Gay men and classic TV show theme songs go hand in hand. Shows dating back decades still have a special place in our hearts and on the video screen of most gay show bars. Here's a tribute to the 50 classic television show theme songs every gay man should know:

The Golden Girls

Wonder Woman

Laverne & Shirley

Six Feet Under

The Patty Duke Show

Who's The Boss

Sex and the City

227

The Oprah Winfrey Show

The Monkees

Batman

Cheers

Dallas

Diff'rent Strokes

Dynasty

Gilligan's Island

Hawaii Five-O

Good Times

The Jetsons

Spongebob Squarepants

The Beverly Hillbillies

Friends

The Munsters

Murphy Brown

Moonlighting

The Jeffersons

The Greatest American Hero

The Brady Bunch

The Partridge Family

The Mary Tyler Moore Show

What's Happening!!

Webster

The Simpsons

Amen

Ally McBeal

The Bionic Woman

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Cagney & Lacey

Charlie's Angels

ChiPs

Desperate Housewives

The Ellen Show

The Facts of Life

Fantasy Island

Will & Grace

I Love Lucy

Rawhide

Roseanne

Sanford and Son

Seinfeld

Listen to the themes at Tim's TV Showcase

'MAN OF THE HOUSE'

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. 

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" 

His wife replied, "The f**king funeral director would be my guess."

*Thanks, Daryn

Riddle Me This!

You can see nothing else
When you look in my face,
I will look you in the eye
And I will never lie.

What am I?

Click above for the answer.

Woman Finds Jesus In MRI Image

(CBS) PITTSBURGH A Pittsburgh woman believes she has found Jesus. Not at a church, but in an MRI of her back.

Rhonda Hodge, of Duquesne, works for a neurologist at Allegheny General Hospital but she doesn't know how to explain the bizarre image that appeared in medical images.

She's had a number of x-rays taken of her spine because of a bulged disc that has caused numbness in her neck and left arm.

But there's one picture that especially caught her attention, and that of her friends and co-workers.

Hodge believes one image from an MRI shows a miraculous vision of Jesus, showing the Crucifixion.

"You can almost seen the thorns around the head and the nails... the nails through the feet," she said.

Hodge doesn't know what to do next, but some of her friends have been offering some suggestions.

"They've been trying to get me to sell the pictures on eBay," said Hodge. "It's been quite a few months, I haven't done it yet. I don't know. You could actually see the hands. They look like they're nailed on the cross. You can see the body. It's in a straight line, and then you see his feet. They look like they're together, and the knees are bent."

Hodge said there's no doubt in her mind that the x-ray does, indeed, look like the Crucifixion. 

But has it changed her life?

"I think I believe as much as I need to," said Hodge. "I can't be swayed by a picture. My neck does feel better. I don't know if that was Jesus or physical therapy."

So Long Bill Gates

A celebration of Bill Gates contributions to the computer industry.

Click Above To Watch The Presentation.
*Thanks, Bright Eyes

Giving clothes to goodwill.

It should make you feel all warm inside knowing that the clothes you previously wore are now gacing another grateful body.

Remember that cleaning out your closets at least once a year and giving former "treasures" to goodwill is a great way to give back to your community, and help those who are less fortunate. Many people only think of doing this when the weather gets cold, and pass along the sweaters and coats they haven't worn for awhile. But, there's a tremendous need for summer weather attire as well.

So look through your closets and see if you don't have something that doesn't fit, or might be a little out of fashion. Those things will probably fit someone else, and could be the height of fashion for them.

With that in mind, I send along this heart-warming photo to inspire you, and remind you that your efforts won't go unnoticed.

Click here.

*Thanks. Daryn

The Foyer

One Sunday morning, the preacher noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the preacher walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Preacher," he replied, still focused on the plaque.

"Preacher, what is this?" the boy asked.

The preacher said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, ...little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear and asked... "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

*Thanks, Andy

Employee of the Month

ANYONE YOU KNOW???

*Thanks, Allen

Faked Photos From Lebanon - by Press Photographers!

Click Above.

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You'd better slow down - don't dance so fast.

Time is short - the music won't last.

Do you run through each day- -on the fly?

When you ask “How are you?” - do you hear the reply?

When the day is done - do you lie in your bed?

With the next hundred chores - running through your head?

You'd better slow down - don't dance so fast.

Time is short - the music won't last.

Ever told your child - We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste - Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time to call and say,"Hi"

You'd better slow down - don't dance so fast.

Time is short - the music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift....thrown away.

Life is not a race, do take it slower

Hear the music - before the song is over.
by David L. Weatherford

Quickies :)

Quickie #1 One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. 

Quickie #2 A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out." 

Quickie # 3 Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. 

Quickie #4 A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." 

Quickie #5 Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay." 

Quickie #6 A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted ! to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." 

Quickie #7 Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*Thanks, Andy

Holly Finkel

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. 

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" 

The operator said "I'll be glad to help. What's the name and room number?" 

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302." 

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday." 

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news." 

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?" The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me shit."

*Thanks, Daryn

Feeling Under-Appreciated?

*Thanks, Andy

Four Minute Mysteries

Carefully now, they are so blatant you will be kicking yourself if you miss the clue!


Mystery 1...

A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:

The Wife said she was sleeping. The Cook was cooking breakfast. The Gardener was picking vegetables. The Maid was getting the mail. The Butler was cleaning the closet.

The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did they know?


Mystery 2...

A man walks into a his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets. He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere And no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other caped crusader. How did he do this?


Mystery 3...

Old Mr. Tidy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend. Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police. "I was walking by Mr. Tidy's house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward."

The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Tidy. How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?


Mystery 4...

If you touch me, you will die, but you can only live without me. I am a big part of your life, and will eventually be the only thing left. You will learn to embrace me finally and rest. What am I?


Try to figure these questions before clicking for the answers here.

Badges for Women

 

5 corporate lessons

Corporate Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Corporate Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.

"I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Corporate Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.


Corporate Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

*Thanks, Andy

KRAZY KRAFT!

I just came home and wanted to make my staple fast lunch -- KRAFT Dinner. To my surprise, there are no microwave directions on the package! You Have to go to their website, (I am not giving it out to up their traffic - which clearly they want you to go to their website)... But to force you to go? C'Mon KRAFT! Stop being silly! If people want to go to your site, they will.