"The Wizard Of OZ" - A Review

(1939) Cast: Judy Garland, Frank Morgan, Ray Bolger, Bert Lahr, Jack Haley, Billie Burke, Margaret Hamilton, Charley Grapewin, Clara Blandick
Director: Victor Fleming
Producer: Mervyn LeRoy
Screenplay: Noel Langley and Florence Ryerson and Edgar Allan Woolf based on the novel "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz" by L. Frank Baum
Cinematography: Harold Rosson
Music: Harold Arlen, Herbert Stothart
U.S. Distributor: MGM
Review by: James Berardinelli

For veteran director Victor Fleming, who began making movies during the black-and-white, silent era, 1939 represented the pinnacle of his career. Not only did Fleming's Gone with the Wind claim the Best Picture Oscar, but his other big feature, The Wizard of Oz, took its first steps towards becoming one of American cinema's best-known and most beloved motion pictures. (It's worth noting that Fleming had help from several other directors on Gone with the Wind and The Wizard of Oz, but, in the end, he was given sole credit for both.) Indeed, The Wizard of Oz is one of only a handful of films that nearly everyone is familiar with.

Throughout the years, there have been dozens of live-action films, stage plays, animated features, and TV programs based on L. Frank Baum's classic Oz stories. To one degree or another, almost all have been influenced by Fleming's telling of the tale. Although the 1939 version was not the first filmed adaptation of the book (the Internet Movie Database lists at least two silent movies, including one with Oliver Hardy as the Tin Man, that preceded Fleming's), it is without a doubt the definitive one. When anyone thinks of The Wizard of Oz, they see Judy Garland, Ray Bolger, Bert Lahr, and Jack Haley, and hear "Somewhere over the Rainbow" and "Follow the Yellow Brick Road."

1998 has already seen a theatrical re-release of Gone with the Wind, and now The Wizard of Oz joins it. This version of Oz is being touted as a "Special Edition," although those expecting to see new scenes of Toto gnawing at the Scarecrow's legs or Dorothy playing Hide-and-Seek with the Munchkins will be disappointed. No extra material has been added. The print looks great, but the Technicolor was already re-invigorated for a previous laserdisc release. The only really noticeable improvement this time around is the soundtrack, which has been converted from the original mono to digital surround sound. Still, is that enough to justify calling this a "Special Edition?"

Probably the most interesting aspect of The Wizard of Oz comes from interpreting what really happens during the bulk of the film. The story opens by introducing us to Dorothy Gale (Judy Garland), a young girl in Kansas who finds her wanderlust stirred by dreams of going "somewhere over the rainbow." When a tornado strikes the farm where she lives with her aunt and uncle, she is knocked unconscious. Upon waking up, she finds herself in the magical land of Oz, where she journeys in the company of a Scarecrow (Ray Bolger), a Tin Man (Jack Haley), and a Cowardly Lion (Bert Lahr) to defeat the Wicked Witch of the West (Margaret Hamilton) and find the all-powerful Wizard (Frank Morgan), who has the power to send her home. But is this a real trip, or is it all a dream? A strong case can be developed for either possibility, although it's ultimately up to each viewer to make up his or her own mind. Whichever way you lean, it doesn't detract from the movie's boundless capacity to entertain.

The Wizard of Oz belongs in that exclusive category of films capable of equally enchanting children and adults. In fact, the basic formula was so successful in The Wizard of Oz that Disney borrowed it as the framework for their recent wave of animated pictures. If there's something familiar about the structure of The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, etc., that's because the approach of mixing light comedy and adventure with catchy musical tunes (while frontloading the music and concentrating on adventure late in the story) is not original. Recognizing how well Oz played to all audiences, Disney adapted the skeleton of the classic for their own use.

Of course, there's more going on in Oz than just that. At the core of the story is a theme that speaks to children and adults in similar, yet different, ways. Dorothy's dream may be to travel to a far off land, but, when she finds herself there, all she wants is to go home - to a place where she's safe, loved, and warm. This is a dilemma that all children face - the desire to cut the apron strings balanced by the overpowering yearning for the comfortable and familiar. As adults, we can watch The Wizard of Oz and fondly remember our own pilgrimage from childhood to adulthood and how, in many ways, it mirrors the one Dorothy is taking.

Another aspect of The Wizard of Oz that immediately arrests the attention is the film's use of black-and-white (actually brown-and-white) and the vivid hues of Technicolor. All of the scenes that transpire in our mundane world are presented in the most drab manner possible, but, when the setting shifts to Oz, the grays and browns are replaced by brilliant reds, blues, oranges, and yellows. It takes a rare movie to make a viewer even think of it as "black and white" or "color," but, because The Wizard of Oz puts meaning into appearance (much like the recently-released Pleasantville), the nature of the visual composition become crucial.

The special effects in The Wizard of Oz do not look like the special effects in Armageddon or Godzilla. No computer animation was used, so they're far less elegant. In many cases, they look like special effects. You can see where the yellow brick road ends and the matte painting begins. When the Scarecrow has been torn apart, you know exactly where Bolger's body is. The Wizard's balloon is clearly not real. It doesn't matter, though. These effects are good enough to sketch the outline; our minds fill in the rest. The Wizard of Oz takes on a life in our head that it never quite attains on the screen. Because of the power of imagination, the film transcends the limitations of the techniques used to craft it.

Over the years, The Wizard of Oz has been subjected to the kind of scrutiny reserved for only the greatest of motion pictures. Volumes have been written about it, analyzing everything from its look to the urban legends that have sprung up around it. (The best known, that there's an electrocuted stage hand in the background of a forest scene, has been thoroughly debunked.) Ultimately, however, it doesn't take a lengthy study to understand why multiple generations find the movie so compelling. Not only is it wonderfully entertaining, but the issues it addresses, and the way it presents them, are both universal and deeply personal. And therein lies The Wizard of Oz's true magic.

Hot-Tubbin!

Memoirs of a Geisha

Cast & Credits
Sayuri: Ziyi Zhang
The Chairman: Ken Watanabe
Mameha: Michelle Yeoh
Hatsumomo: Gong Li
Nobu: Koji Yakusho
Pumpkin: Youki Kudoh

Columbia Pictures presents a film directed by Rob Marshall. Written by Robin Swicord. Based on the book by Arthur Golden. Running time: 137 minutes. Rated PG-13 (for mature subject matter and some sexual content).

I suspect that the more you know about Japan and movies, the less you will enjoy "Memoirs of a Geisha." Much of what I know about Japan I have learned from Japanese movies, and on that basis I know this is not a movie about actual geishas, but depends on the romanticism of female subjection. The heroines here look so very beautiful and their world is so visually enchanting as they live trapped in sexual slavery.

I know, a geisha is not technically a prostitute. Here is a useful rule: Anyone who is "not technically a prostitute" is a prostitute. As dear old Henry Togna, proprietor of the Eyrie Mansion in London, used to cackle while describing to me his friend the Duchess of Duke Street, "Sex for cash, m'dear. That's my definition."

Is the transaction elevated if there is very little sex, a lot of cash, and the prostitute gets hardly any of either? Hard to say. Certainly the traditions of the geisha house are culturally fascinating in their own right. But if this movie had been set in the West, it would be perceived as about children sold into prostitution, and that is not nearly as wonderful as "being raised as a geisha."

--more--

The Good Sons

There were 4 men, who had 4 sons, sitting in a bar one day and the talk came around to their son's successes.

The first man said, "My son is a successful computer store owner and he gave a $3000.00 laptop to his best friend." The others said, "You must be very proud of him."

The second man said, "Well, My son is a successful car lot owner and he gave his best friend a Hummer!" The others said, "You must be very proud of him."

The third man said, "That's nothing! My son owns a successful construction company and he gave his best friend a 3000 square foot mansion!" The others said, "You must be very proud of him!"

The fourth man was silent. The others asked him, "What does your son do?"

The fourth man said, "He's a stripper at a gay nightclub."

The other three said, "We are so sorry that you have nothing to be proud of."

The fourth man said, "On the contrary, I am very very proud of him. His old boyfriends gave him a computer laptop, a Hummer and a mansion!"

Dashin Thru The Snow

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"OZ" Trivia

A -3 parter!

What part of the Tim Man did Dorothy oil first?
What was the name of his farm-hand counterpart?
Who played him in the making of 1939 movie? (TRICK QUESTION!)



Click above for the answer

Bad Puns - Get your muds wordled!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." 

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."  

"Is it common?"  

Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."  

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.  

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"  

The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  

"But why," they asked, as they moved off.  

"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."  

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."  

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  

This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....  

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who posted twenty different puns to his readers with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

The Original Computer

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy . . .

.. You just hoped nobody ever found out!

NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Medical Service Corp Colonel found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts  college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Colonel, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something  bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Colonel said,"Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."  The Colonel's short reply was,"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"  The Colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so?   It's only 2130 now."

Don't you just LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!

Bastinado - Interesting? or Crude? You decide.

I heard about this on Law & Order last night. European Mafia practiced this even in North America.

bas·ti·na·do (băs'tə-nā'dō, -nä'-) pronunciation also bas·ti·nade (-nād', -näd')

n., pl. -does also -nades.

   1. A beating with a stick or cudgel, especially on the soles of the feet.

   2. A stick or cudgel.

tr.v., -doed also -nad·ed, -do·ing -nad·ing, -does -nades.

To subject to a beating; thrash.

[Alteration of Spanish bastonada, from baston, stick, from Vulgar Latin *bastō, *bastōn-.]

This form of torture is well known to be used by Saddam's forces as well. They beat the soles of the feet, which breaks a lot of the smaller bones, causes massive swelling and leaves victims unable to walk for a while. 

The Wizard thinks any torture is perverted. You? Leave a comment.

Ask The Wizard (LCD vs. Plasma TV's)

Dear Wizard of 'OZ',

I was thinking about buying my husband a new TV for Christmas, and I don't understand the difference between LCD and Plasma. Which is best? Which should I get?.

Signed,

Confused about the boob tube

Dear Boob,

Outward appearances are definitely deceiving when it comes to LCD and Plasma televisions. Although both types of televisions are flat and thin, they employ different technology in an attempt to deliver similar results.

Plasma TV Overview

Plasma television technology is based loosely on the fluorescent lightbulb. The display itself consists of cells. Within each cell two glass panels are separated by a narrow gap in which neon-xenon gas is injected and sealed in plasma form during the manufacturing process. The gas is electrically charged at specific intervals when the Plasma set is in use. The charged gas then strikes red, green, and blue phosphors, thus creating a television image. Each group of red, green, and blue phosphors is called a pixel (picture element).

Although Plasma television technology eliminate the need for the bulky picture tube and electron beam scanning of traditional televisions, because it still employs the burning of phosphors to generate an image, Plasma televisions still suffer from some of the drawbacks of traditional televisions, such as heat generation and screen-burn of static images.

LCD TV Overview

LCD televisions, on the other hand, use a different technology (see also question #1 for this same explanation).

Basically, LCD panels are made of two layers of transparent material, which are polarized, and are "glued" together. One of the layers is coated with a special polymer that holds the individual liquid crystals. Current is then passed through individual crystals, which allow the crystals to pass or block light to create images. LCD crystals do not produce their own light, so an external light source, such as florescent bulb is needed for the image created by the LCD to become visible to the viewer.

Unlike standard CRT and Plasma televisions, since there are no phosphors that light up, less power is need for operation and the light source in an LCD television generates less heat than a Plasma or traditional television. Also, because of the nature of LCD technology, there is no radiation emitted from the screen itself.

Plasma vs LCD

The ADVANTAGES of Plasma over LCD are:

1. Larger screen size availability.

2. Better contrast ratio and ability to render deeper blacks.

3. Better color accuracy and saturation.

4. Better motion tracking (little or no motion lag in fast moving images).

The DISADVANTAGES of Plasma vs LCD include:

1. Plasma TVs are more susceptible to burn-in of static images.

2. Plasma TVs generate more heat than LCDs, due to the need to light of phosphors to create the images.

3. Does not perform as well at higher altitudes.

4. Shorter display life span (about 30,000 hours or 8 hrs of viewing a day for 9 years) than LCD. This can vary according to other environmental and use factors.

LCD television ADVANTAGES over Plasma include:

1. No burn-in of static images. (Some recent Plasma TV's have fixed this. Ask when you are shopping...)

2. Cooler running temperature.

3. No high altitude use issues.

4. Increased image brightness over Plasma.

5. Longer display life (about 60,000 hours - at which time all you may need to do is replace the light source, not the entire set). This can vary according other environmental and use factors.

DISADVANTAGES of LCD vs Plasma televisions include:

1. Lower contrast ratio, not as good rendering deep blacks.

2. Not as good at tracking motion (fast moving objects may exhibit lag artifacts).

3. Not as available in large screen sizes above 37-inches

4. Although LCD televisions do not suffer from burn-in susceptibility, it is possible that individual pixels on an LCD televisions can burn out, causing small, visible, black or white dots to appear on the screen. Individual pixels cannot be repaired, the whole screen would need to be replaced at that point, if the individual pixel burnout becomes annoying to you.

5. LCD televisions are much more expensive than equivalent-sized Plasma televisions.

Hope this helps. $5 bucks please.

Yrs,

The Wizard

Creeps ME Out...

Name that hymn

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind".

The pastor shouted out "CROSS."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS".

The pastor hollered out " GRACE". The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound".

The pastor said "POWER". The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD".

The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into  total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES".

An Inside Look at Computer Hackers....

Read Between the Lines

There was a history professor and a psychology professor sitting on a deck at a nudist colony. The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs."

. . . . think about it.

How To Avoid The Flu

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of rest.

When you go for a shot, what do they do first?

Clean your arm with alcohol. Why?

Because alcohol kills germs.

If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!!!

Click above for "The Flu Song"

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26 Beautiful One-liners

1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.

2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.

3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period.

6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.

7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.

8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.

9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.

10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

11. The church is prayer-conditioned.

12. When God ordains, He sustains.

13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.

16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.

17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.

18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.

19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.

20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

21. He who angers you controls you.

22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.

23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.

24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.

25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

26. Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out of you. (Izzat s'posed to be a good thing?)

*Thanks, SalTCBug!

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was  topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,  "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.  "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off  its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,-----  it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

Shit!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three weeks to clean up the senior center. 

White Trash Christmas

*Thanks, SalTCBug

Cool Illusion!

If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating pink dot, you will only see one color, pink. If you stare at the black + in the center, the moving dot turns to green. 

Now, concentrate on the black + in the center of the picture. After a short period of time, all the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will only see a green dot rotating if you're lucky! 

It's amazing how our brain works. There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don't disappear. This should be proof enough, we don't always see what we think we see:

Junior Detective

Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew very little about his mother.

Arriving home that evening, he gave her a third degree examination.

"How old are you?" he asked.

"None of your business," replied his mother, shortly.

"Okay, then how much do you weigh?"

"That's not your business either, young man."

The boy thinks a minute then delivers his final bombshell. "Well, then, can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?"

Shocked and appalled, Mom sends junior to bed without supper.

The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I know!" says his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you everything you want to know."

Later that day, Mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her driver's license.

"Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" she yells.

"Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the junior detective, "but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 40 years old...you weigh 145 pounds...and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."

Inventor turns dead cats into diesel (For DW :-)

A German inventor says he's found a way to make cheap diesel fuel out of dead cats.

Dr Christian Koch, 55, from Kleinhartmannsdorf, said his method uses old tyres, weeds and animal cadavers.

They are heated up to 300 Celsius to filter out hydrocarbon which is then turned into diesel by a catalytic converter.

He said the resulting "high quality bio-diesel" costs just 15 pence per litre.

Koch said the cadaver of a fully grown cat can produce 2.5 litres of fuel - meaning around 20 cats are needed for a full tank.

He said: "I tank my car with my own diesel mixture and have driven it for 105,000 miles without any problems."

Annelise Krauss of the Dresden Animal Protection Association blasted Koch's new diesel though, saying: "This is as bad as experimenting on animals." 

The art of flashing

A US student who was arrested for indecent exposure at a careers fair says it was a work of performance art. Police say Misha Sulpovar walked up to a stall with his zip open and then coloured his 'genitals' with a highlighter pen. 

Sulpovar, an art and religious studies student at Webster University in Missouri, insists he was challenging taboos. In a blog, he appears to suggest the indecent exposure was fake when he wrote: "I go out to a populated, neutral, public place with an unzipped fly and what appears to be scrotum-like flesh hanging out". 

But he would not reveal whether he actually exposed himself and said the question itself was becoming just as much a part of the experiment as the act itself. "The reaction completely changes when you change the narration behind the image," Sulpovar told the Webster University Journal. "Real or fake are two separate narratives." Sulpovar was charged with indecent exposure and is due to appear in court on December 14.

BRAIN CRAMPS

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.



  "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey


  "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.


  "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.


  "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .


  "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.


  "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas .


  "Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark


  "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore, Vice President


  "I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

--Dan Quayle


  "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca


  "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.


  "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.


  "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

--Bill Clinton, President


  "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, VP


  "Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery


  "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

Darn!

Is this you too?

*Thanks, SalTCBug!

The Urge

You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.

Santa in the Buff

Scroll down and you'll see Santa's willy! Woo hoo gonna love this. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * For Crying out loud.........Act your age........ there is no Santa!!!! *Thanks, auntie 'M'!

Tree Hugger

A woman from Vancouver Island, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. 

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. 

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and than told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

"OZ" Trivia

What was the direction represented, the name of the Good Witch in the movie, and who played her?



Click above for the answer

Pay Up

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. 

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. 

Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.

Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

*THanks, SalTCBug

The Ugly Bus

A bus-load of only ugly people has a terrible and unfortunate accident crashing head-on into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. At the pearly gates, because of all the grief they have suffered throughout their life because of their looks, St. Peter decides to grant them each one wish before they enter Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is..."I want to be gorgeous," says the first one. So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says: "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on and on, as each one asks to be gorgeous, but when God is about halfway through, He hears loud laughter coming from the very back of the line...When there are only about ten people left, God notices this Coast Guard Master Chief at the end of the line, just laughing his head off!

 Finally, God reaches the Master Chief and asks him what his wish will be. The Master Chief eventually calms down and says: "Make'em all ugly again."

 The moral of this story:

SOMETIMES IT DOES PAY TO BE AT THE END OF THE LINE!

Things You Didn't Know You Didn't Know...

Did you know...

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in its head.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.

If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow. 

How To Install a Poor-man's Security System

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots – a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like: "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in ½ hr. Don't disturb the pit bulls; they've just been de-wormed."

*Thanks, SalTCBug!

The New Bike!

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

*Thanks, Daryn!

Lessons from an Oyster

"There once was an oyster

Whose story I tell,

Who found that some sand

Had got into his shell.

It was only a grain,

but it gave him great pain.

For oysters have feelings

Although they're so plain.

Now, did he berate

the harsh workings of fate

That had brought him

To such a deplorable state?

Did he curse at the government,

Cry for election,

And claim that the sea should

Have given him protection?

'No,' he said to himself

As he lay on a shell,

Since I cannot remove it,

I shall try to improve it.

Now the years have rolled around,

As the years always do,

And he came to his ultimate

Destiny ­ stew.

And the small grain of sand

That had bothered him so

Was a beautiful pearl

All richly aglow.

Now the tale has a moral,

for isn't it grand

What an oyster can do

With a morsel of sand?

What couldn't we do

If we'd only begin

With some of the things

That get under our skin.

These things I command you, that ye may

LOVE one another...

Owe no man anything, save to LOVE one another

...God

I.Q. Test

Now don't cheat. After you do the test... THEN click for the answers.



Click here for the answers.

100 Bonus points if you did not use a pen to write the answers on your monitor screen!

Why ARE Men Happier ?

Men Are Just Happier People - Click here for a cartoon-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. 

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25minutes. No wonder men are happier!!

Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan

 

KARUNCHI, SNAKISTAN—Citing crumbling relations due to years of protracted french-onion diplomacy, the president of the Central Asian doritocracy Fritolaysia withdrew the country's ambassadors from Snakistan Monday. 

"We have been supplying the people of Snakistan with pre-packaged consumable goods for over 40 years, and for them to show resistance to our savory products is unacceptable," Fritolaysian President Barbbaku Chedar said, referring to Snakistani officials' unwillingness to adhere to Fritolaysia's zesty new initiative introduced during a between-meals conference at last week's international-trading summit held in München, Germany. "Fritolaysia has no choice but to crumple up and throw away all chiplomatic ties with the greedy, gluttonous government of Snakistan," Chedar added.

 *The Onion

Peter Paige

Gay Celebrity Profile: Actor
by Ramon Johnson From Ramon Johnson, Your Guide

About Peter Paige: Peter Paige is an accomplished stage, film and television actor. Peter enjoys tennis, sushi and candy during his "limited" off-time in Los Angeles.

Peter's First Break: On his first Los Angeles audition, Peter landed a guest starring role on the TV series, "Suddenly Susan". His television credits also include guest roles on "Will & Grace", "Time of Your Life", "Girlfriends", and "Caroline in the City".

The Queer As Folk Legacy: Millions of households invited Emmett into their homes during Showtime's previous breakthrough series, "Queer As Folk". Peter Paige played the essentric Emmett Honeycutt.

For more on QAF, click above.

Peter Paige on Stage: Peter Paige has worked with several regional theaters throughout the U.S. His favorite theatrical roles were "A Midsummer Night’s Dream" (Portland Center Stage), "The Rivals" (Portland Center Stage), "Secret Agents" (Artemis Productions), "You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown" (Charles Playhouse ), and "Pantophobia" (HBO Workspace), his two-man show written and performed with Abraham Higginbotham.

Peter Paige on Screen: Peter created his own production company, Best Little Boy Productions, in 2003. Its inaugural feature, "Say Uncle", was written and directed by Peter himself and starred Kathy Najimy, Anthony Clark, Lisa Edelstein, Jim Ortleib, Melanie Lynskey, and Gabrielle Union.

Other film credits include Don McKellar’s "Childstar", the Showtime movie "Our America" (Sundance 2002), "Pop", and the award-winning shorts "The Four of Us" and "The Shooting".

The Many Faces of Mona Lisa

It has been said that there has been no other face as recognizable in this world as Mona Lisa's. Here are some other little known facts:

Birthday: 1503-1506
Birthplace: Florence, Italy
Current home: The Louvre, Paris, France
Stats: 20 7/8" x 30", oil on poplar wood.
Marital Status: Married to Francesco del Giocondo since 1495
Working On: Being most celebrated painting in the world
I stay home to watch: Singers, musicians, jesters and The Sopranos
Favorite singer: Nat King Cole
Favorite dish: Savino Sorbet
Prized possessions: *Sfumato, *Chiaroscuro, my new room
Personal hero: Leonardo Da Vinci
Nobody knows: Why I’m smiling
If I could do it over: I’d have a contract with royalties
I’d give anything to meet: Madonna
My fantasy is: To model for Versace
The one thing I can’t stand: Paparazzi
If I could change one thing about myself: I’d be larger
My most irrational act: Being stolen in 1911
Most humbling experience: *L.H.O.O.Q.
The words that best describe me: Lisa Gherardini, Mona Lisa, La Gioconda

Below are some of the faces that are never seen, during the times when the museum is closed. Take an exclusive peek, as these were caught on film during the wee hours of the morning at The Louvre:

*Sfumato is the famous invention of Da Vinci - light and shade that allow one form to blend in with another leaving something to the imagination. He did this to the corners of Mona Lisa' mouth and eyes which explains why she may look different and different times.

*Chiaroscuro the distribution of light and shade in a picture

*L.H.O.O.Q. in 1919 Dada painter Marcel Duchamp put a mustache and goatee on a reproduction of the Mona Lisa. The letters read phonetically in French: Elle a chaud au cul (she has a hot arse.)

***Facts from: Mona Lisa Mania
*Thanks, Daryn!

VERY IMPORTANT..PLEASE READ

Never, ever answer a cell phone while it is being CHARGED!! A few days ago, a person was recharging his cell phone at home. Just at that time a call came and he answered it with the instrument still connected to the outlet. 

After a few seconds electricity flowed into the cell phone unrestrained and the young man was thrown to the ground with a heavy thud. His parents rushed to the room only to find him unconscious, with a weak heartbeat and burnt fingers. He was rushed to the nearby hospital, but was pronounced dead on arrival. 

Cell phones are a very useful modern invention. Never use the cell phone while it is hooked to the electrical outlet! FORWARD THIS TO THE PEOPLE THAT MATTER IN YOUR LIFE. 

Comments: I have rated this warning "overblown" because it stems from a solitary news report published in 2004 about an First-Nation's man who was fatally electrocuted while answering a cell phone that was plugged in for charging. Assuming the report was accurate, it is fair to conclude that either the phone or the charger was defective, given that 

1) I could find no other reports of people being electrocuted while using a charging cell phone, 

2) under normal circumstances the current flowing into a charging cell phone ought not to be strong enough to kill anyone, and 

3) neither manufacturers nor consumer agencies warn customers against using mobile phones while they are being charged. Under the circumstances, therefore, it would seem excessive to label the ubiquitous device "an instrument of death." Which is not to say no one has ever been injured by a cell phone. Over the past few years there have been numerous reported instances of cell phones exploding or catching fire, causing injury to their owners. Most of the incidents were blamed on the use of faulty and/or unauthorized batteries. 

Safety Precautions To prevent such mishaps, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has recommended safety precautions which include the following: 

 * Don't use incompatible/unauthorized cell phone batteries and chargers. 

 * Don't tamper with the battery or allow it to be punctured, crushed, or come into contact with metal objects outside the phone. 

 * Avoid damaging the phone by dropping it, keeping it where it can become overheated, or allowing it to get wet. 

 * Follow manufacturers' instructions for battery usage, storage, and recharging.

The Fart Song

Click above (requires flash)

*Thanks, Daryn!

Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create an empty New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I Exit without Saving?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my work?
A: Stop shaking it.

*Author unknown

"Oh i wish i was Oscar Meyer's weiner, that is what i'd truly like to be..."

  For the record: OSCAR MAYER WEINER SONG  Oh I wish I were an Os-car Mayer Wie - ner That is what I'd tru-ly like to be 'cause if I were an Os-car May-er Wie - ner Ev-ery one would be in love with me.

These are the laws of the natural universe...

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Sad News

  

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy (better known as 'Pop N Fresh'), died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. 

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20minutes.

The Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.

That's interesting.

I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars!

There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No.

I think I'll just wait for the police...."


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them

Ancient Japanese Proverb

The Panda Puppy

 The Chengdu dog was dyed black and white and looks like a panda. The dog owner has been reportedly detained 36 times to date on suspicion that he kept a panda illegally.   

'Ugly dog' Sam dies at 14

Canine gained celebrity as winner of ugliest animal contest  

SANTA BARBARA, California (AP) -- Sam, the dog whose ugliness earned him TV appearances, limousine rides and even a meeting with millionaire Donald Trump, has died, the Santa Barbara News-Press reported Tuesday. The pooch with the hairless body, crooked teeth and sparse tuft of hair atop his knobby head died Friday, just short of his 15th birthday, said his owner, Susie Lockheed. "I don't think there'll ever be another Sam," she said, adding wryly, "Some people would think that's a good thing." Sam became an international celebrity after winning the ugliest animal contest at the 2003 Sonoma-Marin Fair in California -- a victory he twice repeated. 

The purebred Chinese crested hairless made appearances on TV in Japan, radio in New Zealand and in Britain's Daily Mirror tabloid, stayed in luxury hotels and met Trump on a talk show set. Lockheed marketed his visage on T-shirts, a calendar and even a coffee "ugly mug." At the time of his death, Sam was scheduled to be filmed for a Discovery Channel series on the world's ugliest species. Lockheed said she was initially terrified of Sam when she agreed to take him in as a rescue six years ago on a 48-hour trial basis. Although she fell in love with him, his appearance repulsed her then-boyfriend and prompted the man to break up with her. Later, however, Sam became a matchmaker by bringing together Lockheed and her current beau, who saw a picture of the two on an online dating site. 

Lockheed said she had Sam euthanized after a veterinarian told her Sam's heart was failing. She said she's felt a little lost ever since, and is sleeping with Sam's favorite toy -- a stuffed bear he picked up and carried home. "I have snuggled Sam under my blankets on my bed for six years," said Lockheed, who has three other dogs named TatorTot, TinkerBell and PixieNoodle.

*Copyright 2005 The Associated Press.

Pet star Einstein

*Way Cool!! Thanks, Vil!

"OZ" Trivia

Who played Professor Marvel in the movie?



Why.. I did!!! Just kidding! But that's a good hint!

Click above for the answer

Air Force develops “PHaSR” hand-held laser system. Only has stun setting. Data not impressed

By Michael Sirak JDW Staff Reporter Washington, DC 

The US Air Force has unveiled its first hand-held laser weapon that gives security forces a non-lethal option for controlling crowds and protecting areas like checkpoints, according to service officials. While only in prototype form and years away from fielding, the weapon, known as the Personnel Halting and Stimulation Response (PHaSR) system, holds great promise, they said.

No. It doesn't look like this!

The PHaSR is about the same size and weight of a fully loaded M60 machine gun - around 9 kg - but shoots a low-power beam of laser light instead of bullets. The light it generates is capable of temporarily impairing an individual's vision, much like the disorienting glare one sees when looking into the sun, said the officials. Upon completion of testing, one prototype will be handed over to the Department of Defense's Joint Non-Lethal Weapons Directorate (JNLWD) and the second to the National Institute of Justice (NIJ): the law enforcement arm of the US Department of Justice. Both organisations support the programme, with the latter interested in its civil applications.

Coca Cola Penguins

The Coca-Cola penguins make their debut when they join the Coca-Cola Polar Bears at the North Pole in the new spot entitled "Arctic Beach Party." In the ad, the bear family is awoken by the sounds of a party accompanied by the Beach Boys tune "Little Saint Nick." While investigating the noise, the polar bear cub slips down a hill into a group of dancing penguins. As the penguins and bears eye one another, a small penguin appears and offers the cub a bottle of Coca-Cola, signaling the bears to join the holiday celebration. I just saw the Coke penguin/Polar Bear commercial. And apart from the fallacies (the two creatures actually being together and not being eaten, and that penguins live in Antarctica and not in the north), I did appreciate one thing. Polar bears are all left-handed. It's a genetic thing. And in the commercial, the baby bear holds the bottle with his left hand (before double fisting it). So the ad execs can get that right, an obscure fact, but not the state of nature. Awesome.

Very Punny

There's a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business to measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and undulations of coral formations. Of course this can only be done in the summer months so he takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air. You may tag him as *ahem*....a 'frost-free reef ridge rater'.

*Thanks, SalTCBug

A Letter To The Wife...

Dear Wife, I'm sending you this email,

To bring you up to date on the Events of our family!

I tried to talk to you, While you were on your computer,

But you just kept telling me that, You would BRB...??

Whatever that means!

So, I decided to send you this email.

John Jr. cut his first tooth today.

created by gogo for www.wackywits.com

He's the one you bounce On your knee while typing.

Remember how he giggles when..

He hears the "UT OH" sound?

Sorry about him dropping his,

Peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard.

Is it working ok since I cleaned it up for you?

Can you read the letters I tried to paint

Back on you keyboard?

Most of them had been rubbed off!

created by gogo for www.wackywits.com

Susie had her first date Sat. night.

She had a good time and said to thank

You for letting them use your car.

She put the keys back on the key rack,

Underneath the cobwebs,

Where she found them!

Do you realize that she wears the

Same size clothes as you do?

In case you've forgotten her,

She's the one who has you raise your

Feet when she's running the sweeper.

Tim is playing football.

He looks forward to going to school

Now that he has a sport to play.

He wanted to know if you would

Come to one of his games .. if..

We brought you a laptop to bring along?

Do you remember him?

He's the one who ..

Empties your port-a potty for you!

Let's see ..

Since the last time I wrote you ...

( 3 months ago )

The refrigerator had to be replaced,

The dog died from old age,

Your mother and dad painted the room,

Where your computer is .

Hope you like the color!

The church has a new pastor,

The president has been impeached,

And oh yes ..

I have a new job!

Well, I think that's about it.

I'll email you again in about 3 months.

You take care of yourself honey.

We all miss you very much,

And will see you the next time .

The power goes off!

love,

Your Husband!!

Great Pictures

A Powrpoint Show. Please allow time to download. (4.9MB)

Click above

The Old Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.

*Thanks, SalTCBug

Impossible!

Is Windows Itself A Virus?

Is Windows A Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows
does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

*Thanks, SalTCBug