The Original Apple Computer...

 

Good Advice From My Advisary!

 

The Cabbie

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

The 12 days of Halloween

 

 HAPPY HALLOWEENOn the first day of Halloween my best friend gave to me.
A boney witches knee.

On the second day of Halloween, my best friend gave to me.
Two bats a flying,
And a boney witches knee.

On the third day of Halloween, my best friend gave to me.
Three pumpkins growing,
Two bats a flying,
And a boney witches knee.

On the fourth day of Halloween, my best friend gave to me.
Four vampires biteing,
Three pumpkins growing,
Two bats a flying,
And a boney witches knee.

On the fifth day of Halloween, my best friend gave to me.
Five haunted houses,
Four vampires biteing,
Three pumpkins growing,
Two bats a flying,
And a boney witches knee.

On the sixth day of Halloween, my best friend gave to me.
Six ghouls a dancing,
Five haunted houses,
Four vampires biteing,
Three pumpkins growing,
Two bats a flying,
And a boney witches knee.

On the seventh day of Halloween, my best friend gave to me.
Seven witches cooking,
Six ghouls a dancing,
Five haunted houses,
Four vampires biteing,
Three pumpkins growing,
Two bats a flying,
And a boney witches knee.

On the eighth day of Halloween, my best friend gave to me.
Eight ghosts a flying,
Seven witches cooking,
Six ghouls a dancing,
Five haunted houses,
Four vampires biteing,
Three pumpkins growing,
Two bats a flying,
And a boney witches knee.

On the ninth day of Halloween, my best friend gave to me.
Nine monsters dancing,
Eight ghosts a flying,
Seven witches cooking,
Six ghouls a dancing,
Five haunted houses,
Four vampires biteing,
Three pumpkins growing,
Two bats a flying,
And a boney witches knee.

On the tenth day of Halloween, my best friend gave to me.
Ten bats a hanging,
Nine monsters dancing,
Eight ghosts a flying,
Seven witches cooking,
Six ghouls a dancing,
Five haunted houses,
Four vampires biteing,
Three pumpkins growing,
Two bats a flying,
And a boney witches knee.

On the eleventh day of Halloween, my best friend gave to me.
Eleven Trick-or-treaters,
Ten bats a hanging,
Nine monsters dancing,
Eight ghosts a flying,
Seven witches cooking,
Six ghouls a dancing,
Five haunted houses,
Four vampires biteing,
Three pumpkins growing,
Two bats a flying,
And a boney witches knee.

On the twelfth day of Halloween my best friend gave to me.
Twelve Jack-o-lanterns,
Eleven Trick-or-treaters,
Ten bats a hanging,
Nine monsters dancing,
Eight ghosts a flying,
Seven witches cooking,
Six ghouls a dancing,
Five haunted houses,
Four vampires biteing,                          
Three pumpkins growing,
Two bats a flying,
And a boney witches knee.
 

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and  presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy?  Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about  lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood  pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A  mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the  toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need <i>two</i> tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it  doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use  the duct tape.

and finally, remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up a chance to pee, and never underestimate a fart.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

The Friars

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that . . .
 

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Schroeder starts busking as income from Peanuts drops.

 

 "I made a bad deal back in the 50's ... I signed a contract with residuals that were peanuts!"

Vegas - A Top Gay Destination

Long thought to be low on the pink radar for gay travelers Las Vegas has been aggressively courting the LGBT market and it appears to be paying off.

A recent study by Community Marketing, Inc., a San Francisco-based market research company that focuses on the LGBT market, shows that 25 percent of the 4,000 gays and lesbians surveyed traveled to Las Vegas in 2005.

It makes Vegas second only to New York, where 30 percent had visited.

San Francisco ranked third, with 24 percent.

Las Vegas hosted a total of 37.4 million visitors in 2004 and that number is estimated to increase to a record-breaking 38 million in 2005.

About ten per cent of that is estimated to be gay.

In upcoming campaigns, the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority (LVCVA) plans to punctuate its marketing programs with the launch of a new multi-faceted campaign specifically targeting the gay and lesbian traveler.

"Millions of gay and lesbian travelers are drawn to Las Vegas each year because they crave the Las Vegas experience," says Terry Jicinsky, senior vice president of marketing, LVCVA.

"The fact Las Vegas beat out San Francisco, which was once thought of as the preferred destination for this market, shows Las Vegas is making great strides in attracting a diverse audience."

Jicinsky points to Las Vegas' growing reputation as one of the world's most exciting destinations with world-class dining and shopping, unparalleled entertainment and top golf courses and spas.  

Vegas offers a multitude of once-in-a-lifetime experiences, including the hottest gourmet restaurants by celebrity chefs including Bobby Flay, Hubert Keller, Rick Moonen and Daniel Boulud, as well as unparalleled headliners and productions year-round such as "MAMMA MIA!" at Mandalay Bay, "Jubilee!" at Bally's and Celine Dion's "A New Day ... " and Elton John's "The Red Piano," both at Caesars Palace's Colosseum.

When it comes to nightlife, Vegas' offerings for gay and lesbian travelers are just as impressive. KRAVE, the newest upscale gay and lesbian nightlife experience on the Strip, opened late 2004 with an incredible response from gay tourists and locals alike.

Las Vegas annually welcomes one of the largest gay and lesbian pride festivals in the West, "Viva Las Vegas" which delivers dance parties, top-name entertainment and more set against the glittering Las Vegas Strip.

 Las Vegas is home to Blue Moon Resort, a gay-owned hotel and property designed with the gay traveler in mind, and Viva Las Vegas Wedding Chapel, gay-owned-and-operated, bed-and-breakfast and wedding chapel that offers union ceremonies by an Elvis impersonator in the back of his legendary pink Cadillac.

"Las Vegas attracts gay and lesbian visitors primarily for its wide variety of entertainment offerings, as well as for its gaming, architecture, dining, shopping and fun atmosphere," said Thomas Roth, president, Community Marketing.

"As the LVCVA increases its 'gay welcoming' communications, according to focus group participants, it will become even more popular for first-time and repeat visitors from the gay community."

The American gay and lesbian community represents a $65 billion travel market in the United States, amounting to about 5 percent of the annual $1.3 trillion U.S. travel industry, according to the Travel Industry Association of America.

Recent studies by Community Marketing Inc., however, indicate that gay and lesbian travel and tourism represents a far larger percentage of the overall travel market. Community Marketing, Inc. used online and field research to survey more than 4,000 gays and lesbians worldwide.

Those surveyed answered questions on subjects ranging from the duration of their typical hotel stay to their preferred activities during vacations and weekend getaways and how factors such as a gay-friendly environment influence their travel plans.

*by 365Gay.com Travel

TIDE

 

2 letters from a happy couple

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be perturbed - I shall be home before midnight. When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.


To My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference.

18 goes in to 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow.

The Frog

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs."

"Blow jobs?" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month", he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true, no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. However, the woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less-than-riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're gone!" 

The Password...

R.I.P Jerry Lee Lewis (1935 - 2022)

Jerry Lee Lewis, piano-bashing rock ‘n’ roll founding father, swaggering country shouter and the last surviving member of the inaugural class of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, has died. His death was announced on Friday Oct. 28. He was 87.

Lewis is best known for recording such rock standards as “Whole Lot of Shakin’ Going On,” “Great Balls of Fire,” “Breathless” and “High School Confidential.”  Interestingly, both “Whole Lot of Shakin’ Going On” and “Great Balls of Fire” have been named to the Grammy Hall of Fame.

The Breakdown

Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests, "Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred."

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, "Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system."

The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work."

Un-huh!

MAUDE & MABLE

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.  One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude:  What in the hell is that?

Mable:  "A condom.  This way my cigarette doesn't get wet".

Maude:  "Where did you get it?"

Mable:  "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers...

Maude:   "Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

You have been warned!

 

OOPS! BUSTED!!

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real  one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain  yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Devious!

A White guy, an Indian man, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together on the subway when the lights go out and the car goes completely dark.
 
There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap.
 
When the subway car lights come back on, Pamela Anderson and the Indian guy are sitting as if nothing happened, and the White guy is holding his slapped face.
 
The White guy is thinking, "That Indian man must have kissed Pamela and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead."
 
Pamela is thinking, "That White guy must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Indian man, and got slapped for it."
 
And the Indian guy is thinking, "This is great!" The next time the subway car lights go out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that @!#%!! White guy again!

Note: I don't really get the purpose of the ethnicity of the 2 men.

WestJet and Kids

A mother and her young son were flying WestJet from Halifax to Calgary.  The son turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
     
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer that wouldn't lead to things she was not prepared to discuss with her young son, told him to ask the stewardess.
     
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
     
The  stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
     
The boy admitted that this was the case.
     
Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because WestJet always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."

Touch of Grey*

Must be getting early, clocks are running late.
Paint by number a morning sky, it’s all cold.
Dawn is breaking everywhere, light a candle, curse the glare
Draw the curtains I don’t care, but it’s all right
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

I see you’ve got your list out, say your piece and kiss off.
Guess I get the gist of it, but it’s all right
Oh well anyway, sorry that you feel that way.
Every silver linings got a touch of grey
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

It’s a lesson to me, the ablers and the beggars and the thieves
The abc’s we all think of, try to win a little love.

I know the rent is in arrears, the dog has not been fed in years
It’s even worse than it appears, but it’s all right

Cows are giving kerosene, kids can’t read at seventeen
The words they know are all obscene, but that’s all right
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

Shoe is on the hand that fits, that’s all there really is to it
Whistle through your teeth and spit, but it’s all right

Oh well a touch of grey, kinda suits me anyway,
That’s all I had to say, but it’s all right
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

It’s a lesson to me, the devils and the east and the free
The abc’s we all must face, try to save a little grace.

*Touch of Grey - The Grateful Dead

Better XMAS Cards on the way.... in time for Christmas!

 

To Be 6 Again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror. 

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! 

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. 

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?" 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dummy!" 

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Poor Dopey

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "The Seven Dwarfs," they get ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world. Why do you persist with this question?"

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

R.I.P. Leslie Jordan (1955 - 2022)

Comedian Leslie Jordan, most known for his roles in "Will & Grace" and "American Horror Story," died on Monday at age 67. Jordan's partner and a representative confirmed his death to CBS News.

Jordan appeared to be involved in a car crash in Los Angeles on Monday involving a BMW; photographs showed a vehicle having crashed into the side of a building. According to DMV records, the vehicle involved in the crash was leased to Jordan.

Law enforcement set up a white tent at the crash site and said the driver died at the scene.

The Wizard needs a Tylenol!

 

Camping

Two Old Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer.
 
After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener.
 
The first Newfie turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."
 
"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."
 
"I promise I won't," says the Newfie. "Just hurry!"
 
Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie. Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches.
 
Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not friggin' going!!!!"

Walk on water

All of his life Garge from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great- grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Garge's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Garge stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Garge went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Garge's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July.

My Goldfish Died

Little Amber was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence, interested in what the cheeky faced youngster was doing.

He politely asked, "What are you up to there, Amber?"

"My goldfish died," replied Amber tearfully, without looking up, "And I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'

Amber patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f..cking cat."

The Importance of using Blueprints for a Prison Break!

 

Never... Ever... Fart In A Wetsuit!

 

Angry Alien Shorts

 

  Click above

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT NEWFOUNDLAND CANADA & THE NEWFIES!!!

If you're a Newfie,you should be proud! Here are a few  tidbits of information that you may have never known before:

THEY WERE......


The first province to respond to the Titanic distress signal.
The first to vaccinate for smallpox
The first to host a transatlantic flight.
The first to have wireless communication in the world.
The first place to discover proof of the theory of continental drift.


THEY HAVE......


The oldest street in North America.
The oldest city in North America.
The oldest rock in the world.
The oldest continuous sporting event.(Regatta Day rules!)
The largest university in Atlantic Canada.
The most pubs per square foot in Canada.(George Street.. St. John's)
The longest running radio program in North America.
Caught the world's largest invertebrate. (giant squid)


THEY ARE......


The funniest people in Canada. (ask anybody)
The only province that has four identifiable flags.
The only province able to land the space shuttle. (Stephenville)
The most giving people in Canada (Stats Canada)


A NEWFOUNDLANDER......


Built the world's first artificial ice arena.
Invented the gas mask.
Was once governor of northern Rhodesia.
Was with Abraham Lincoln at Gettysburg.

WE ARE THE ONLY PROVINCE TO HAVE ITS OWN........


Encyclopedia.
Dictionary.
Pony.
Dogs.
Cultural publication.

By reading this,you now know more about Newfoundland than well, almost everyone!!

Send this post along to all your friends and let them know what a great place this "Rock" really is!!

BY God it'd be great to be a Newfoundlander!

Hand Puppets

 

Two Minute Management Course

 

Lesson One:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit on my ass like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my manure droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of manure, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lessons:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

"A Very Prairie Christmas" - with Jeffery Straker

While The Wizard is disappointed that Jeffery's "A Very Prairie Christmas" won't be coming to Saskatoon this year, He is performing the concert in Regina and a couple of lucky Saskatchewan towns. His Christmas concert includes several Christmas classics as well as some his own music sprinkled throughout the evening (assuming he follows the same format as the last few years...)

From Jeffery's media page:

Jeffery Straker - Saskatchewan singer, songwriter and pianist

My "Very Prairie Christmas" show is coming back to stages this Christmas - only in Saskatchewan (though I still dream of taking it further across Canada in future years).  Songs include classic holiday favourites & some of my own Christmas tunes + a few originals to round it out.  Tickets are on sale for 4 shows & there might be a few more added next week.

Some of his shows. Click the link on the bottom of this post to see all dates and but tickets:

Dec 2 Biggar SK   TICKETS
Dec 3 Wynyard SK  TICKETS
Dec 10 Casino Regina*  TICKETS
Dec 11 Casino Regina*  TICKETS

* Casino Regina shows feature the full 10 piece band with special guests to be announced soon! 

The Wizard is thinking about making the trip to Regina to catch this concert. My partner and I have seen the concert the last 2 years. Really don't want to miss this.  I will update this post as Jeffery adds new locations for this wonderful Christmastime concert. Maybe, just maybe Jeffery will add Saskatoon as a whistle stop to his Christmas tour! Jeffery has added Saskatoon on Dec 15th! Click here to buy tickets.

Basic Driving Rules

  1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic.

9. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers.

11 It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

12. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

13. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

14. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

15. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

16. Real men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

17. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.

18. There is a common held belief that highspeed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front. This is true.

19. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because they have brakes.

20. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.

21. It's O.K when driving in suburbs to air your grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one or two finger salute" while screaming out "fargen ass____e". But it is imperative you are driving a turbo charged V6 or a 5 litre V8, with a crow bar in your lap.

An Old Lady Joke...

There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He  became irritated at the little old lady.  Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her  and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way  every day.  One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old  lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE  THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am  starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.  "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"

The atheist neighbour jumped out of the hedges and  shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and  shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM"

"Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline."

 

Mona after 2 weeks in USA

What happens if a frustrated Russia uses nukes to wipe Ukraine off the face of the Earth?

By Andy Kotlarz, Amateur Putinologist (1905–present) Something interesting happened after Putin was threatening to use nukes a couple of months back. Or, more to the point, what’s interesting is what didn’t happen - Putin stopped threatening to use his nukes. Now, why would that be?

You see, when a leader threatens to use nukes, the first thing that needs to take place, is that all the launch systems need to be checked. There are specific test protocols that need to be performed to ensure everything works as it should.

Now, what follows is pure conjecture - nothing more than a theory. You decide whether it’s plausible, or not.

When the Nuclear Strategic Arm of the Russian forces started the test protocols on their nuclear missiles what occurred scared all of them fucking shitless. The nuclear warheads armed themselves, and threatened to detonate in their silos. Only some brilliant action by technicians who managed to disarm the nukes before they went off. This left Russians afraid of their own weapons, and fearful of trying to launch them.

Remember Stuxnet? This is the computer worm, allegedly developed by Israel and the USA, that infected the Iranian uranium enrichment control systems and destroyed their uranium centrifuges.

Do you imagine that the USA could resist trying the same game with the Russian nuclear deterrent?

It wouldn’t have been that difficult.

Since the collapse of the Soviet Empire, the Russian military-industrial complex went into steep decline. Their R&D institutes were starved of funds, which were diverted into secret bank accounts, or used for the purchase of super-yachts. The answer - the alternative to home-grown technology - was to purchase western technology. It was cheap, and readily available.

And so the 1960’s and 1970’s vintage missile command and control systems were replaced with western digital technology. Most likely of Windows XP vintage. Where the hacks and back doors are well known. Easy meat for the CIA.

So, when the Russian Nuclear Strategic Arm technicians started their launch test protocols something truly horrible happened. OK - so they found the virus and fixed it.

But this left them with a frightening dilemma - was this the bug that they were supposed to find?

And Putin has been kind of quiet with his nuclear threats recently.

Did You Know?

 

From The Emerald City

   

My Dear 'OZ'ians,

As you know, The Wizard makes no money from 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow. I have strived to keep those annoying ads off my blog. I do qualify for Google Ads but they are too visible and mess up my blog design.  I do promote things from time to time, but those are my endorsements, and again, I am not being paid to post them.

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The Wizard

From The Emerald City - The future of the monarchy

My Dear 'OZ'ians,

I have been thinking - and you KNOW what that means, LOL!  I have been wondering for some time of the relevancy of the monarchy in Canada and as well, even in Great Britain.

Previous queen aside, who was reigning queen for so long she grew on everyone. This, despite the fact that the monarchy has been involved in many horrific things and brought many an ill to a great many of people, slavery, ethnic cleansing and more in its quest to rule.

We can no longer see that the current Royal family, Her Late Majesty Queen Elizabeth ll, included, are/were guilty of this kind of acts of aggression on their fellow man -- I mean its hard to remember they were involved in such sadistic activities in the past when for the last 70 years they were run by a grand Mama, after all. Harry and Meghan leaving the Royal family and all it stands for as a sign of the times. Yet William and Kate are ready to step up and continue the Royal tradition. I doubt that William knows/remembers all the atrocities committed by the monarchy over the years -- that their ancestors committed these horrific acts. He needs to do some studying and when he ascends to the throne, to take what he has learned and atone for the sins of his family, no matter how far back that goes.

I believe that history will record that His Majesty King Charles lll will be a relatively short link between the late queen and the crowning of William as king. So he really won't accomplish much in modernizing the monarchy. And William, he owes us that much if he wants to remain king of the dwindling Commonwealth countries or the Monarchy may fade rapidly into non-existence.

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The Wizard