True or False?

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4.People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

They are all true.

Now go back and think about! #16

Optical Illusion

Keep Looking... You might see a giraffe!

Thanks for the warnings

All of us who have used computers over a period of years have received a lot of email warning us not to do something, and to pass the warning on to our friends or we shall be subject to some sort of punishment. If you haven't received all of the messages mentioned below, you are a newcomer to email. Read on and enjoy!

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern ... I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support the American troops. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay. (OOPS! Too Late!)

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. I no longer have any sneakers -- but tha t will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.


Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favour. If you don't send an e-mail about this post to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of mine.

Required reading for all governments...

"Understanding Tax Cuts"

Sometimes politicians, journalists and the liberal left exclaim; "It's just a tax cut for the rich!" and it is just accepted to be fact.

But what does that really mean?

Just in case you are not completely clear on this issue, I hope the following will help. Please read it carefully. Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

' The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
' The fifth would pay $1.
' The sixth would pay $3.
' The seventh would pay $7.
' The eighth would pay $12.
' The ninth would pay $18.
' The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20." Dinner for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to eat their meal.

So, the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

' The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
' The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
' The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
' The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
' The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
' The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to eat for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than me!"

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start eating overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

I Got 21!!!

21!!!!! Don't forget to enter your score by making a comment! You don't have to leave your email address!!!


Ok...This one has the answers at the bottom..... The average person only gets 7 right.

This is based on U.S. & Canadian info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most of us really see! There are 27 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think--it just shows you how little we pay attention to the commonplace things of life. Put your thinking caps on.

No cheating!

No looking around! No getting out of your chair!

No using anything on or in your desk or computer! (The average is 7)

Write down your answers and check answers on the bottom.

AFTER completing all the questions. REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! --- BE HONEST!!!

That means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk...

Then, before you pass this on to your friends, change the number on the subject line to show how many you got correct. Forward to your friends. (To copy this highlight in its entirety and then use the menu 'EDIT'|'COPY' and paste it in an email)

LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE. -If not, just have fun!

Here we go!

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?

2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?

7. How many matches are in a standard pack?

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?

11. Which way does a "no smoking" signs slash run?

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?

13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?

14. Which way do fans rotate?

15. What is on the back of a Canadian dime?

16. How many sides does a stop sign have?

17. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?

18. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?

19. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

20. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?

21. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?

22. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?

23. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?

24. On the back of a Canadian $1 coin, what is in the center?

25. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?

26. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?

27. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

ANSWERS



1. Bottom

2. 50

3. Right

4.. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, &gold

5. 1, 0

6. Right

7. 20

8. Red

9. 88

10. Clockwise (north of the equator)

11. Towards bottom right

12. 12 (no #1)

13. Left

14. Clockwise as you look at it

15. The Bluenose

16. 8

17. Left

18. 5

19. 6

20. Bashful

21. 8

22. Ace of spades

23. Left

24. Loon

25. *, #

26. 3

27. Counter

7 reasons not to mess with a child

A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".



A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."



A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette ZZZhead.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.



It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

Signs and funnies

Crisis Management

These 25 tips will get you through any situation, or at least they'll keep you giggling as you try to cope...

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

18. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

21. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.

24. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

25. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do-it-yourself' thing.

The Forest Tent Caterpillar

From Natural Resources Canada (Photo by The Wizard of 'OZ')Understanding patterns in forest tent caterpillar outbreaks

Forest tent caterpillar (Malacosoma disstria), an insect pest native to North America, has historically caused extensive defoliation of trembling aspen, oak, ash, maple and white birch. The area defoliated by forest tent caterpillar ranged from 14.3 million hectares in 2001 to 150,000 hectares in 2009. Widespread outbreaks have occurred in much of the boreal forest at intervals of 10 to 12 years and typically last 3 years or less at the stand level and up to 6 years at the landscape level, depending on natural control factors such as weather, host-parasitoid interactions and forest structure.

Trees are weakened by repeated defoliation, which makes them more susceptible to stresses such as drought or other pests. Two or more years of heavy defoliation can also result in a severe reduction in the radial growth of trees and may cause considerable branch and twig mortality. Forest tent caterpillar is one of the causes of aspen decline reported in Alberta and Ontario, and tree mortality has been shown to increase with the duration of sustained defoliation.

Forest Tent Caterpillars - Saskatoon SK, Canada Photo: The Wizard of 'OZ'

Population outbreaks of forest tent caterpillar have not been as widely studied as those of other cyclic insects, such as the spruce budworm and gypsy moth. However, forest tent caterpillar outbreaks represent a model system of forest insect disturbance ecology. In addition, from a timber supply perspective, the decline caused by forest tent caterpillar defoliation could have important implications for management planning. Furthermore, if climate change alters the pattern of future outbreaks, the overall health of the boreal forest in Canada could be affected, with potentially serious environmental and economic impacts.

For these reasons, researchers at Natural Resources Canada’s Canadian Forest Service have been working with collaborators to improve our understanding of the disturbance ecology of the forest tent caterpillar by examining historical records of outbreaks. This will help resource managers develop effective pest management strategies. The information will be further used in predicting the influence of climate change on outbreaks and the effects of insect outbreaks on carbon budget estimates.

Patterns of outbreaks

Records of forest insect defoliation in Ontario and Quebec have been maintained since the 1930s. The researchers used Natural Resources Canada defoliation maps from 1938 to 2002 to study the frequency, severity and return interval of forest tent caterpillar outbreaks at a broad scale, in order to better understand the processes driving these outbreaks.

The maps showed that six major outbreaks had occurred, with the infestations lasting 2 to 5 years and recurring every 7 to 11 years. The largest average intensity of defoliation occurred during the period 1951–54.

Degree of synchronization between outbreaks

The researchers also wanted to determine to what degree outbreaks were synchronized among the various regions, as well as the patterns and processes governing synchronization among populations.

The outbreaks recurred periodically and somewhat synchronously among regions of Ontario and Quebec. Three regions—northwestern Ontario, eastern Ontario/western Quebec and southeastern Quebec—showed the strongest large-scale, synchronized fluctuations. However, defoliation in the vast surrounding hinterlands tended to be infrequent and sporadic. In addition, there was one area in northeastern Ontario that stood out as having experienced persistent defoliation between 1992 and 1999.
Factors that influence outbreaks

Previous studies that analyzed data from Ontario found that outbreak cycles of forest tent caterpillar were sensitive to local climate, which can influence temporal processes governing population growth and host-parasitoid interactions.

The Canadian Forest Service researchers and their collaborators sought to determine whether topography or climatic factors had a greater influence on the synchronization of outbreaks. They hypothesized that the ability of insects to disperse in the landscape was more important, with the relatively flat topography of Ontario and Quebec allowing for greater dispersal than the mountainous regions of the west, where there has been less synchronization. Understanding this effect is important in management efforts, because it could help determine the survey range required around new infestations to accurately detect their extent.

Effects on overall health of aspen

Repeated defoliation by forest tent caterpillar may not allow trees to recover to a normal state of health, which can lead to decline. This appeared to be the case in northeastern Ontario, where an area that experienced eight consecutive years of defoliation starting in 1992 was subsequently mapped as in decline in the early 2000s.

The researchers wanted to know if this pattern of outbreak was consistent with the other populations in the insect’s range and if there was an increasing trend in outbreak severity over the entire northeastern region. They concluded that this particular population occupied a region of marginal habitat for forest tent caterpillar and that the population fluctuations followed those of the other populations only if weather and tree health at the time of the outbreak were conducive.

Things that you would never hear a redneck say...

We don't keep firearms in this house.

- Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?

- You can't feed that to the dog.

- I thought Graceland was tacky.

- No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

- Wrasslin's fake.

- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

- We're vegetarians.

- Do you think my hair is too big?

- I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

- Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.

- Who's Richard Petty?

- Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

- Deer heads detract from the decor.

- Spitting is such a nasty habit.

- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

- Trim the fat off that steak.

- Cappauccino tastes better than espresso.

- The tires on that truck are too big.

- I'll have the argugula and radicchio salad.

- I've got it all on a floppy disk.

- Unsweetened tea tastes better.

- Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

- My fiance Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

- I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

-Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

- Checkmate.

- She's too old to be wearing that bikini.

- Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

- Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

- I don't have a favorite college team.

- I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

- Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

- Elvis who?

Right now!

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids
on a merry-go-round
Or listened to the rain
slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

Do you run through each day on the fly
When you ask "How are you?"
do you hear the reply?

When the day is done,
do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
'Cause you never had time
to call and say "Hi"?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....

Thrown away...
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

*Louise L. Hay

Funny Wisdom

1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why is the room spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

22. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

25. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click was a Smith and Wesson.

29. The enjoyment of a day, is surviving it. WELL!!!!

"Oranges and Lemons..."

How many?

Madison Tevlin

"This Astounding 12 year Old, is defying all statistics and odds associated with having Down's Syndrome and Singing. She is a true inspiration to all."

"WATCH THIS VIDEO CLOSELY. LISTEN TO THIS VIDEO CLOSELY. READ THIS VIDEO CLOSELY. BE INSPIRED. All video content and images are copyright to the artist Madison Tevlin. © MADISON TEVLIN, © 2015"

Madison's Youtube channel

Futuredrama

Click Above.

GREGG ALLMAN DEAD AT 69

from TMZ.com-- the musician, singer and songwriter known for fronting The Allman Brothers Band for 45 years -- has died from complications due to liver cancer ... TMZ has learned.

Allman's longtime manager tells us ... he died peacefully at his home Saturday in Savannah, Georgia. We're told he has been dealing with multiple health issues ever since being diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago.

The manager also tells us Gregg had finished his last record ... which will be released in September of this year.

Allman was known for his long blonde hair and being a rock n' blues pioneer along with his brother Duane. They founded their band in 1969, and Gregg rocked with them until their final show in 2014.

He became the band's frontman in 1971 after Duane was tragically killed in a motorcycle accident. He composed such hits as "Midnight Rider," "Whipping Post" and "Melissa."

He is survived by his wife, Shannon Allman, 5 children, 3 grandchildren and a large extended family.

Gregg was 69.

The Difference between Men and Women

1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

The Electronic Information Age

The Pizza Order. Click here.

VIAGRA SPILL REVIVES LAKE MICHIGAN

(Chicago)— A freighter containing 62,000 metric tons of popular impotence drug Viagra struck a reef and sank in Lake Michigan today. As a result, the once-frigid lake no longer dangles into Illinois and Indiana, but now spans majestically across northern Wisconsin.

According to eyewitnesses, roughly 30 to 60 minutes after the ship's contents dissolved, the lake slowly but firmly began to push northwest toward Minnesota. Eventually, its swollen banks managed to poke aside Lake Superior, which cartographers said will lose its standing as the largest of the Great Lakes for the next four to six hours.

Area residents were surprised by the sudden shift, but conceded Michigan was "like an entirely new lake."

"For so many years that lake just, you know, sat there," said Martha Strop of Eau Claire, Wisc. "To be honest, I never even thought about it anymore. There wasn't much of a point. But now, well, this has changed our lives forever."

Government officials, however, were more cautious.

In Wisconsin, Gov. Scott McCallum declared a state of emergency, while in Minnesota, Gov. Jesse Ventura declared: "Is Lake Michigan a threat, or is it just glad to see me?"

Shopping Internationally

HELPDESK LOG...

New ones from the helpdesk!

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...


Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my disc out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ....


Helpdesk: Click on the 'Computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on the start button for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!


Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.


Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the Fkey 8times as you told me, but nothing's happening...


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!


Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Chrome.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!


Helpdesk: Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you.
Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago.
Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?


Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

Optical Illusions