A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."
A businessman hailed a cab from his hotel and asked to be driven to the hospital about a mile away.
The cabby started driving but he was only going about 15 mph.
The passenger banged on the partition and said speed it up.
The cabby screamed hit the gas and plowed into a tree.
The passenger said what the heck is wrong with you?
This is my first day driving a cab.
I drove for a funeral home for 15 years and no one ever banged on my partition.
You scared the living-daylights out of me!
Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, “$550.00”
Two women who had just met at a health spa were talking about their lifestyles and how they hope to stay healthy. One asked the other to detail her daily routine.
“I eat moderately,” she replied, “I exercise moderately, I drink moderately, and I live moderately.”
“Is there anything else you do?” her new friend asked.
“Yes,” she said, “I lie extensively.”
Blonde and Lamp Genie
The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home.
The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.
The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : "Nothing."
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
Buying a Horse
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I am buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
There are three men in the military practicing skydiving. The first man jumps out and a swiss army knife falls out of his pocket. The second man jumps out and a kitchen knife falls out of his pocket. The third jumps out and a grenade falls out of his pocket. When they land, they go and look for the things they drop because they could have really hurt someone.
The first man is running along the street and sees a little boy crying. "Little boy, why are you crying?" he asks. The boy says, "A swiss army knife fell out of the sky and killed my cat!"
The second man is running along a street and sees a little girl crying. "Little girl, why are you crying?" he asks. The girl says, "A big kitchen knife fell from the sky and killed my puppy!"
The third man is running down a street and sees a little boy laughing hysterically. "Little boy, why are you laughing?" he asks. The boy says, "My dad farted and the house blew up!"
Sergeant: Private, I think the enemy soldiers are hiding in the wood. I want you to go in there and flush them out for us.
Private: Okay, sir, but if you see a bunch of guys running out the woods, don’t shoot the one in front.
There were 3 men who were working on a bridge.
One of the worker's name was John, the other one's name was Randall, and the last one's name was Joe.
So one day when the 3 men were taking a lunch break, they all opened up their lunch box and saw what their wives had gave them for lunch.
When John opened his lunch, he saw that he had peanut butter and jelly, so then he said, "If my wife gives me the same lunch tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this bridge.
Then Randall opened his lunch and saw that he had spaghetti and meatballs.
So then he also said the same thing as what John said. Then when Joe opened his lunch he saw that he was having a chicken salad.
So then he said that he too was going to jump off the bridge if he got the same lunch the next day.
So the next day, all 3 men had the same lunch from yesterday and they all jumped off.
A week later when the funeral was scheduled, John's wife said, "If my sweetie- pie told me he wanted a new lunch, he should have told me!” then Randalls wife said "Why did he do it? Why??” then Joe's wife said, "Why did he jump off the bridge? He packed his own lunch!"
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10.I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.
1. The whole thing: This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with his or her children.
2. One bite at a time: You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and Methodical: You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.
4. Feverous Nibbles: Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked: Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie: You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie: You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside: You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them: Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreos: You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prissy.
A new nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"
The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here.".
A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.
“What’s the matter, son,” asked his mother.
“Aw, gee,” said the boy, “it’s my marks. They’re all wet.”
“What do you mean, “all wet”?”
“I mean,” he replied, “below C-level.”