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Sunday, September 27, 2015

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

Marketing Terms
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says, "He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."

That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback!!!!
Sports Bar
The fellow walked into a bar he had never been in before and ordered a drink.

He then asked the bartender if he enjoyed dumb-jock jokes.

The beefy attendant leaned over the bar and fixed a withering glare on his customer.

"Listen, buddy," he growled. "See those two big guys on the left? They're professional football players. And that huge fellow on your right is a world-class wrestler. That guy in the corner is a champion weight-lifter. And I lettered in three sports at Notre Dame. Now," he continued, "are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your dumb-jock joke here?"

"Nah, I guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

Halloween Night
It was Halloween night... A man was walking home from work when he heard thump noises behind him.

He turned around and saw a coffin following him.

He was scared and started to run, the coffin kept right up with him.

He got to his house ran through the front door, locked it and ran upstairs.

The coffin busted through the front door and followed the man upstairs.

The man ran for his life and then locked himself in the bathroom.

The coffin burst into the bathroom.

The man totally freaked out reached into the medicine cabinet and grabbed what he could find.

What he grabbed was cough drops. He threw the cough drops at the coffin and the coffin stopped.

Black Magic
This old man was feared by all his neighbors because they believe he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours.

Every time he had a confrontation with his wife, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night along with the same statement.

“When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Well he died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket.

After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The cheerfulness of her actions was becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

are you not afraid? Worried? Concerned? That this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down.”
Dog Hotel
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me."

He is well groomed and very well behaved.

"Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years."

"In all that time I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls."

"I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly."

"I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill."

"Yes indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

Who Shot Abraham Lincoln
Mr. Smith and his son Rick were called to Mrs. Liventhal's classroom.

"Mr. Smith," said the teacher, "I asked Rick 'Who shot Abraham Lincoln?' and he said that he didn't do it!"

"Well teacher" said Smith, "if my kid said he didn't do it -- he didn't do it!"

Father and son left the school, and on their way home, Smith turned to the boy and asked, "Tell me son, did you do it?"
Relationship Dynamics
The "car way" of telling how far the relationship is:

-- Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her to get inside, closes her door behind her

-- Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get in.

-- Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and opens it.

-- Married: The man gets in to the driver's seat unlocks the doors and says "Aren't you getting in?"

Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed.

A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous.

The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign.

The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.

Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant.

As the policeman turn to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor ...looking scared to death!

He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?"

The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 105."

A Downed Hare
I was driving down the road when I saw a lady standing by her car.

When I pulled over to see if I could help she turned around holding a rabbit.

She explained that she had run over the rabbit and she thought it was going to die.

I so wanted to help her I went back to my car and came back with a can of spray.

I sprayed some in the rabbits' mouth and it twitched its' head a little.

I waited a little while and sprayed some more in it's mouth and it twitched its head a couple of times.

Not much later I sprayed more in it's mouth and the rabbit sprang from her arms and ran to the fence by the field, stopped, turned around and waved its' paw at us. We watched it run 50 ft, stop, turn and wave it's paw at us.

The lady looked at me in amazement and said, "WHAT WAS THAT YOU GAVE THAT RABBIT?"

I replied, "Oh just a little hair rejuvenator with permanent wave."
Driving Trends
Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.

New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.

New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.

Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.
First Visit
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.

She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
Work Distractions

Submitted by Jonalee Echols from Bullard Texas.

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.

3. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

6. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.

7. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.

9. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

10. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."

12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Shut up & Trouble
Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?"

He answered, "Shut Up."

He asked again "What's your name?"

"Shut Up."

The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"

"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."
One Wish
Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary.

During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish.

The wife wanted to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and poof -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.

Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.

He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."

So the fairy picked up her wand and poof -- the husband was 90.

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