A PARENT'S WORST NIGHTMARE

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter, Judith Ann

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Anita's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card, which is in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Did You Ever Wonder?

Questions that really need answers..


1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle,Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

18. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

What were you thinking??

I was scared at first.
It was very wide,
and very long,
and it angled straight up.
I decided I had to try it once.
I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.
It felt weird at first.
Then I got used to it.
I went up and down,
and up and down on it.
I was really loving it.


*Now I ride on escalators all the time.*




I took my fingers and slowly,
gently stretched it apart.
It was so pure and white.
I licked it once, twice...
I found I couldn't stop.
I licked it faster and faster, and harder.
I began to scrape my teeth against it.
There it was, in my mouth!
All sweet and creamy.
I was done.


*And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies*






It was laying limp in my hand.
It was very long, kind of thin.
I slid it between my fingers
until I got to the end of it.
I was turning it on.
It became firm in my hands,
and the end was wet.
Then it got very hard
and began gushing out of the tip.


*Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.*




I knew it could be done.
I wanted to try
but I didn't know if I could do it.
I called my friend.
He said he knew how to do it
and would teach me.
He put his arms around me and started.
I watched nervously in the mirror.
He finally finished and pulled back slowly.
I felt relieved that it was over.


*I hate neckties.*





It looked warm and dark,
and juicy and inviting.
I wasn't sure just what
I wanted to do with it.
I carefully pulled it apart
with my fingers to look into it better.
I knew how great it would be
if I just started eating it.


*But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.*





MORAL?

It is not the word that corrupts the mind, but the mind that corrupts the word.

Check your Driver's license

A friend of mine who works at MTO told me about this and I decided to check it out....

OK, this is just too much! Can you say "privacy?"

As in, "where is our right to it???"

I definitely removed mine. I suggest you all do the same....

Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own! It asks for U.S. info but unfortunately it works for Canada. I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all! Go to the web site and check it out. It's unbelievable!!!

Just enter your name, province and city to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove". This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement.

Scary! Click here.

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you’ll begin to think you’re a genius..

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”

–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.


“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

–Mariah Carey


“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”

— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign


“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”

–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.


“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”

–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .


“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”

–A congressional candidate in Texas ……


“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”

–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark


“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it..”

–Al Gore, Vice President


“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”

— Dan Quayle


“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”

–Lee Iacocca


“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.


“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”

— Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.


“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”

–Department of Social Services,Greenville , South Carolina


“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”

–Keppel Enderbery


“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”

– Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

*Thanks, Gary

Two Factories

There were two factories in New York City. One of them made maternity frocks for expectant mothers, so they were called the "Mother Frockers".

The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles. They had to soak the corks before they could put them into the bottles, so they were called the "Cork Soakers".

One day a Cork Soaker didn't soak a cork long enough and it flew out of one of the bottles and hit one of the Mother Frockers in the eye.

That made all the Mother Frockers mad at the Cork Soakers, so they went outside and had the biggest Mother-Frocking Cork Soaking fight you ever saw...

New Policies

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names being with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount:
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
Provincial tax $11.61
GST Rax $11.61
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.22
Down tax $1.11
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
CPP $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Reassurance $0.11
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $12.09
Various $8.01
Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!!!

THE GREAT CHILI COOK-OFF

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who may have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.

THE INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."


Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pissed me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!


CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress and he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Word Play

I don’t know if this is really new or not. I’m on the floor laughing and rolling.

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year’s winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n..): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

*Thanks, Gary

Feng Shui

Some ways to live your life...

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.



TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.



THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.



FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.


FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.



SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.



SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.



EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.



NINE... Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.



TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.



ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.



TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.



THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'



FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.



FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.



SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.



SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.



EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.



NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.



TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice



TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.

*Thanks, Gary

A Home Depot Story

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, Her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, thats an expensive faucet -- certainly out of my price range.."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

*Thanks, Gary

WE ARE EVERYONE

Did You Know...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)



If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)



The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")



The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig. Can you imagine??)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)



The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm........)



Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....................)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)



Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)



Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

Blind Man's Adventure

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind -that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Some Sobering Questions

Do you have an alcohol problem? situations may provide a clue?.


You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger...who needs dinner?

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

Little Tony.....

Little Tony on Math

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Whichone is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

LITTLE TONY ON MATH

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" TONY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful." Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!! The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

True or False?

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4.People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

They are all true.

Now go back and think about! #16 >/p>

Messin' wit' yer mind, eh?

Powerful Stuff!!

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

New Policies

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names being with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount:
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
Provincial tax $11.61
GST Rax $11.61
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.22
Down tax $1.11
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
CPP $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Reassurance $0.11
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $12.09
Various $8.01
Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice weekend!!!

TROY - The Latest Strip

This a gay-themed comic
--Wizard's Note: I have updated all the TROY posts to reflect Michael Derry's new domain. Links are no longer broken--


Click Above Then choose 'Current Strip'.

The new comic, Troy #286, House Guests, is out and up online. Troy and Derrick both deal with family and thin walls.

And you can find Michael's books and ebooks for sale at TROYTooner.

The five simple rules to be happy

The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.

Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready.

As she manoeuvred her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window.


I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.


"Mrs Jones, you haven't seen the room, just wait."


"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.


Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away ...just for this time in my life.

Old age is like a bank account: you withdraw from what you've put in. (I love that!!!)

So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories.

Thank you for your part in filling my Memory Bank. I am still depositing.


Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.

*Thanks, Bright Eyes!

The Church Organist

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floating ornament, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease.

And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."

A Really BIG Post!

This afternoon's posts are some of my reader's and my favourites. Enjoy!

What Goes On When You Sleep...

"The Fly Story"


Click above to watch the story.

I'm Super, Thanks for asking...


Big Gay Al
Click above to hear the song. This one will open your Media player.

The Ultimate Tooth Whitener On A Budget!


Click above to find out more!

Strip Tease

Click above to watch him take it all off!

A Saskatchewan Taste Treat!



Chocolate Covered Grasshoppers

Ingredients:
baker's chocolate
candied crickets

Directions:
Melt baker's chocolate in double boiler.
Fill molds halfway with chocolate, add grasshoppers, fill rest of the way.

A tasty surprise in every one!

What Do You Think Caused Your Heterosexuality?


Click above to find out why you are heterosexual
and what can be done to help you recover.

biarn teirwsts

1) The Elder Twin

One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How come?

2) Manhole Covers

Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?

This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.

3) The Deadly Party

A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

4) Trouble with Sons

A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?

5) The Man in the Bar

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.

This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.

Click here for the answers.

Very Punny

A man tried to phone the King of the Jungle.

All he got was a recorded message saying, "All the lions are busy right now. Please try later."



A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."



Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.



Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Warning

There has been an increased rate of robbery using handguns in Canada. I warn you that some people may find this picture too graphic. DO NOT click here if you are weak of mind.

100 Reasons To Be Gay

In celebration of the mirth it caused I thought I’d share it with you all. Aren’t I kind ? If you’re on a random joke list then you might have seen it before, but the oldies are always the best (unless you’re lucky enough to pull some young chicken) and we say share and share alike (unless its an STD).

So, here are 100 reasons to be gay. How many can you own up to ?
Click here.

\

From The Emerald City

The Wizard is going to confer, converse, and otherwise hob-nob with my brother wizards...

Posting will be irregular for the next while...Keep checking daily .. if there are no new posts that day, check the archives. I bet there is a lot that you haven't read yet....

Yours,

--The Wizard

7 reasons not to mess with a child

A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".



A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."



A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette ZZZhead.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.



It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

Rednecks