Brain Cramps

For the answers, click here.

For Those Who Thought They Knew Everything

Don't know if these are actually true, but enjoy!

For those of you who just thought you knew everything, here's a refresher course...

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro Man."

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(I know some people like that; don't YOU?)

Now you know everything there is to know.

Of importance, that is !!!

Quotes from 'Spaceballs' - The Movie

Click above

CONFUCIUS SAY

CONFUCIUS SAY. . .


"A Lion will not betray his wife.... But a Tiger Wood."
*Thanks, DW

Why police officers lose some foot chases . .

Parkour


Click above to watch the video
Thanks, DW

THE MEANING OF LIFE....

(in 13 words)

*Thanks, Gary

Stroll Down Memory Lane

*Thanks, Gary

Coca cola using gay-themed humor in Egypt?

Talk about an odd combination. Coca Cola is not only one of the last companies I would expect to see using gay-themed humor in their advertising (promoting their new-in-Egypt twist tops), but Egypt, with its rather stringent anti-homosexuality laws, is one of the last places I’d expect to see such an ad. And yet, here it is. What do you think?

*Marc Cortez, scientia et sapientia

Deep Thoughts... brought to you by The Wizard

If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried...

I thought my boyfriend was just being romantic when he sprinkled talcum powder in my underwear. Turns out it wasn't talcum powder after all.. it was Miracle Gro...

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath...

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever- soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia...

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal...

Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others...

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them...

The Beauty of Mathematics and The Love of GOD

This is TOO cool!

Just the math part is good enough, the end is even better. I received this e-mail and thought it was pretty cool! Keep scrolling it gets better.


Beauty of Mathematics!!!!!!!

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111

9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

Brilliant, isn ' t it?

And look at this symmetry:

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 =1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 =123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111 =12345678987654321

Mind Boggling...

Now, take a look at this...

101%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:

What Equals 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they
are giving more than 100%?

We have all been in situations where someone wants you to

GIVE OVER 100%...

How about ACHIEVING 101%?

What equals 100% in life?

Here ' s a little mathematical formula that might help
answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O- R- K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And:

K-N-O-W-L-E- D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+ 5 = 96%

But:

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+ 21+4+5 = 100%

THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:

L-O-V-E-O-F- G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+ 6+7+15+4 =101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, but it's the Love of God that will put you over the top!

Pee Power!

It's TRUE! Create power from your own pee!


Apparentley the urea from urine is better than water in creating power. This would be because there are twice as many hydrogen molecules than in plain old H2O.

Urea or carbamide is an organic compound with the chemical formula (NH2)2CO. The molecule has two amine (-NH2) groups joined by a carbonyl (C=O) functional group. It is solid, colourless, and odorless (although the ammonia which it gives off in the presence of water, including water vapor in the air, has a strong odor). It is highly soluble in water and non-toxic. Dissolved in water it is neither acidic nor alkaline.

Urea is used in SNCR and SCR reactions to reduce the NOx pollutants in exhaust gases from combustion from diesel, dual fuel, and lean-burn natural gas engines. The BlueTec system, for example, injects water-based urea solution into the exhaust system. The ammonia produced by the hydrolysis of the urea reacts with the nitrogen oxide emissions and is converted into nitrogen and water within the catalytic converter.

But - now the power part...

The Carbamide Power System prototype can break urea or urine from humans or animals down into water, nitrogen and CO2, and also produce electricity at the same time. Unlike existing fuel cells that require catalysts made from precious metals like platinum, the "Youtricity" research group's prototype uses a cheaper catalyst and less expensive membranes.

If these scientists can actually make the system work, the whole thing will be golden.

Tp 10 Scariest Drunk Driving Commercials

Warning: See what happens if you drink and drive

"Tales from Kulula" *

From the cockpit on KULULA.COM- South Africa's Budget Airline

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

---o0o---

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

---o0o---

From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---o0o---

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

---o0o---

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

---o0o---

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

---o0o---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

---o0o---

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came, silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

*I don't believe these are true or even from that airline as I have seen the same for Canada's WestJet - I believe these are from South West Airlines...

Warning to ALL You Older Gay Men Out There!

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged guys will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their hairy chests, ripplin' abs, and bulging baloney-ponies almost bursting out of their skimpy shorts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. (I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also August 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 12th, 14th, 16th, & 20th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.)

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their other stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, etc.

So please, send this post on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

*Thanks, Daryn

To all my left-wing readers...

*Thanks, Daryn

Five Things the airlines don't want you to know.

From pilot fatigue to the water you drink onboard, what you should be aware of before catching a flight


The average airline passenger knows little about the tangles of procedure, technology and bureaucracy involved in the daily operations of a commercial airline. And for the most part, ignorance is bliss. After all, if getting from point A to point B as safely as possible is your main concern, you can rest assured that the U.S. commercial aviation system is among the safest in the world (your chances of dying in an airplane crash in the U.S. is calculated to be one in 13 million). But when it comes to the air you breathe onboard, the coffee you drink and the potentially very tired pilots flying your plane, there are some things the airlines prefer to keep to themselves. Full story here via AOL Travel!

Suggestion: Board with your hand sanitizer at the ready.

*Thanks, Daryn

Dress Your Gay Dog

Click above

My Resignation as an Adult

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 5 year old again.

* I want to go to McDonald's and think that it is a four star restaurant.

* I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples in a pond with rocks.

* I want to think M&M's are better than money because you can eat them.

* I want to lie under a big oak tree and watch the ants march up its trunk.

* I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

* I want to go fishing and care more about catching the minnows along the shore than the big bass in the lake.

* I want to think the world is fair.

* I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all I knew about were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes. When I didn't know what I know now. When all I knew was to be happy because I was blissfully unaware of all the things that should make me worried.

* I want to think that a quarter is worth more than a dollar bill because it is prettier and weighs more.

* I want to think that everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.

* I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things in life again.

* I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, dreams, the imagination, the Tooth Fairy, a kiss that makes a boo-boo go away, making angels in the snow, and that my dad and G-d are the strongest people in the world.

So......here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit cards and the bills, my Pension Plan statements, my stocks and bonds, my collections, my insurance premiums, my job, my house and the payments, my e-mail address, pager, cell phone, computer, and watch. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this with me further, you'll have to catch me cause........ tag! You're it!

8 Things Gay People Can't Do (In America - some in Canada!!!)

Adopt. Click above for more.

Giggles, Gaffaws and Groaners...

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”



Womanese

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.



FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.



NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"



GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"



GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.



LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"



SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.



THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."



GO AHEAD!

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.



PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"



THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.



THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"



A carrier pigeon stopped to rest on the window sill in the Pentagon building. Close behind him came another pigeon who stopped off to talk. “Where you going?’ asked the second pigeon. “To section M to deliver an order,” answered the first. “What’s the number of the order?” “234XZY-Q78955-421YYTX,” replied the first. “Better get a move on,” said the second. “I got an order to rescind it.”



The boss had listened in sympathetic silence as Mario went through the reasons why he needed, and felt he deserved, a raise. Then, with a compassionate smile, the CEO patted he younger man on the shoulder. “Yes, Mario,” he said kindly, “I know you can’t get married on the salary I’m paying you… and some day you’ll thank me for it.”



At the start of the shift one of the police officers asks "Did you hear about the terrible head on collision on route 208 between a Thunderbird and a Mustang? There was horse manure and feathers all over the road!"

The Chief came into headquarters a few minutes later. Not being too fast on the uptake, he was asked the same question, followed by the same "Horse manure and feathers all over the road."

"Anybody hurt?" he asked.

The Office Boy

It's hard to believe certain people survive to adulthood, let alone get promoted above me, the lowly office boy!!!

I saw a coworker today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

OHHHH-Kayyyyy!

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

Over in the copy room I heard this conversation:

1st Person "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

And, passing by the boss's office I hear him on the phone to tech support:

Tech Support "What does the screen say now.."
Boss "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support "Well?"
Boss "How do I know when it's ready?"

And he earns $150,000 a year.


Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift.
One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.


One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386."
He started to type it and paused, asking me "Where's the key for that line thing?"
I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."
I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"


And, one addition from a friend: She's been doing temp work at various offices.

At one place she became the resident expert on the photocopy machine. One day there was a big backup. She went over to help and found that no one knew how to stop the copier from "punching" three holes down the side of each copy.

She opened the paper tray, removed the three-hole paper and solved the problem.

Union Problems

Unions are killing this country, and here is a prime example. I don't know about other areas of the country, but a growing trend here is for people to be a little on the lazy side.

It is not that uncommon for as many as 14 to 18 Union People to just stand around and watch while only one person is doing the work.

As you can see in this photo, the situation is out of hand. I hope it's not happening in your area as much. Click here.

Hee-Haws

USE IT OR LOSE IT

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out ...

"Perhaps you should hear how all this came about... I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you never wore because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you. Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there ....anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

After having their eleventh child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided that 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor. So the hillbilly went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2,3, 4, 5..."

At this point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, West Virginia, Tennessee, Arkansas, Louisiana, and parts of Mississippi

Yup!

*Thanks, Gary

Chicken Fried Bacon

Crispy as chicken and good as bacon! I wonder if you can make this with Shake-n-bake?

Clear! Toast! Clear!

I am wondering if you shocked someone, would they smell burnt toast?


*shay carmon //

Deep Thoughts... brought to you by The Wizard

The dullest man in the world is charming beyond belief when he's pouring gold coins from one hand to the other...

An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex...

Otis Spunkmeyer. That is such a weird name. Spunk---meyer.... I'd hate my mom for having that last name. I bet he was like "F*ck you, mamma! I'm gonna make the best goddamn cookies in the world!"...

There are moments when everything goes well; don't be frightened, it won't last...

I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago...

Early Cell Phone Commercials

Hello friends of the 1980s and early 1990s! How about that Mikhail Gorbachev, what an absolute HAM! If you're like me, in between rocking out to your favorite Huey Lewis and the News cassettes and investing lots of money in Tab cola and Enron, you like to keep up with the latest in "cellular phone technology." Have you heard about it? You haven't?! What, are you living under a rock expelled from Mount St. Helens, which just exploded not so long ago?!? "Cell" (short for "cellular") phones allow you to make a call from anywhere to anywhere. You could get the latest from the Call the Coreys hotline while in an important business meeting in Czechoslovakia, or gossip about the latest episode of Family Ties with your good friend in South Yemen.

But don't take my word for it. Here are some commercials

Eye Test

Try to read the sign below:



If you are unable to read the sign above, squint your eyes...

Points to Ponder II

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Nice Sentiment

Make someone's day today ....A smile, a hello, telling someone that you love them, a helping hand, to someone who needs help doing things ..It's a big, beautiful world we live in and a lot of humans make it an ugly place to live...

Be one of the beautiful humans that make it a better place. A random act of kindness can change the world .....

A Lesson in Life & Longevity

THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL LESSON

IN LIFE AND LONGEVITY
Be nice to others because . .

Time WILL make a difference!

One day you will no longer be the big dog...
just the old dog....
and it's nice to be surrounded by friends.

Points to Ponder...

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your ass will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

A horse's tail

A Horse's Tail...

Does the statement, "Because we've always done it that way..." ring any bells...?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important.

TROY - The Latest Strip

--Wizard's Note: I have updated all the TROY posts to reflect Michael Derry's new domain. Links are no longer broken--

This a gay-themed comic



Click Above Then choose 'Current Strip'.

The new comic (Troy #261) is out in the magazines and up online. Prop 8 has been overturned in California, so what do two, liberal, radio talk show hosts do to celebrate? Ray and Derrick step in it on the air.

And you can find Michael's books and ebooks for sale at TROYTooner.

Cheeseburger in a can - Trek'n Treat

Some things should never be put in cans!

Nothing could be easier to prepare: Just heat the can in a water bath, open the lid, and enjoy your delicious cheeseburger! Never before has it been easier to prepare a burger in the wilderness within such a short time.

The cheeseburger, which is marketed under the Trek‘n Eat label, guarantees unrestricted enjoyment in the mountains and in other extreme environments. People in the wilderness who rely on the experience of an expedition food specialist such as Trek‘n Eat in preparing their meals have more of life: more enjoyment, less weight to carry, and more time for doing other things. The canned burger has a shelf life of twelve months without requiring refrigeration.

*Trek 'n Treat

Dr. Laura will leave her radio show

By James Withers, contributing editor, 365Gay Blog


“Dr. Laura” Schlessinger, who had a radio show for over 30 years, will not renew the show’s contract at the end of the year. She made the announcement on the Larry King Show Tuesday night.

“I want to regain my first amendment rights (of free speech). I want to be able to say what is on my mind, in my heart, what I think is helpful and useful without somebody getting angry,” Schlessinger said.

So for 30 years the Doctor had a radio show. No government bureaucrat came in and killed her mike, or sent her to the gallows after something she said. And she’s said outlandish stuff. Remember in 2000 when Dr. L. opined gays and lesbians were “biological errors”?

She has nine million listeners per week and not one was ever arrested, or fired from a gig, for tuning his/her dial to her words. Through it all she got paid well (no hate); however, she now whines how having a radio show abridged her speech rights. Like all “Constitutional scholars” she wants to spout her mind, but doesn’t think it’s right people respond to her loquacity. Hey Doctor: the beauty of the First Amendment is it covers everyone. From radio show hosts who say nigger 11 times, and bloggers who find such moderators slow and dense.

Bizarre and Astonishing

Our planet Earth is populated with plenty of bizarre and astonishing creatures without the need for resorting to fiction. Some are rare, some are on the verge of extinction. Here are 24 of the most peculiar creatures known to mankind. Note: Names are UNDER the pictures:

ALPACA

ANGORA RABBIT

Axolotl

Aye-aye

Blobfish

Dumbo Octopus

Emperor Tamarin

Frill-necked Lizard

  Hagfish

Komondor Dog

Narwhal

Pink Fairy Armadillo

Proboscis Monkey

Pygmy Marmoset

Red Panda

Shoebill

Sloth

Star-nosed Mole

Sucker-footed Bat

Sun Bear

Tapir

Tarsier

White-faced Saki Monkey

Yeti Crab

*Thanks, Gary