This is the post that never ends

This is the post that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started reading it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue reading it forever just because...

This is the post that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started reading it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue reading it forever just because...

This is the post that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started reading it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue reading it forever just because...

This is the post that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started reading it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue reading it forever just because...

This is the post that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started reading it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue reading it forever just because...

This is the post that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started reading it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue reading it forever just because...

This is the post that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started reading it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue reading it forever just because...

This is the post that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started reading it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue reading it forever just because...

This is the post that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started reading it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue reading it forever just because...

This is the post that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started reading it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue reading it forever just because...

This is the post that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started reading it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue reading it forever just because...

This is the post that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend.

click here to see the ending.

July 31

July 31 is the 212th day of the year (213th in leap years) in the Gregorian calendar. There are 153 days remaining until the end of the year.

EVENTS:

- 30 BC - Battle of Alexandria: Mark Antony achieves a minor victory over Octavian's forces, but most of his army subsequently deserts, leading to his suicide.
- 781 - The oldest recorded eruption of Mt. Fuji (Traditional Japanese date: July 6, 781).
- 904 - Thessalonica falls to the Arabs, who destroy the city.
- 1423 - Hundred Years' War: Battle of Cravant - The French army is defeated at Cravant on the banks of the river Yonne.
- 1451 - Jacques Cœur is arrested by order of Charles VII of France.
- 1498 - On his third voyage to the Western Hemisphere, Christopher Columbus becomes the first European to discover the island of Trinidad.
- 1588 - The Spanish Armada is spotted off the coast of England.
- 1655 - Russo-Polish War (1654-1667): Russian army enters the capital of the Grand Duchy of Lithuania, Vilnius, which it holds for six years.
- 1658 - Aurangzeb is proclaimed Moghul emperor of India.
- 1667 - Second Anglo-Dutch War: Treaty of Breda ends the conflict.
- 1703 - Daniel Defoe is placed in a pillory for the crime of seditious libel after publishing a politically satirical pamphlet, but is pelted with flowers.
- 1741 - Charles Albert of Bavaria invades Upper Austria and Bohemia.
- 1777 - The United States Congress passes a resolution that the services of Marquis de Lafayette "be accepted, and that, in consideration of his zeal, illustrious family and connexions, he have the rank and commission of major-general of the United States."
- 1790 - First U.S. patent is issued; granted to inventor Samuel Hopkins for a potash process.
- 1856 - Christchurch, New Zealand is chartered as a city.
- 1865 - The first narrow gauge mainline railway in the world opens at Grandchester, Australia.
- 1913 - The Balkan States signs an armistice at Bucharest.
- 1917 - The Third Battle of Ypres starts in Flanders.
- 1919 - German national assembly adopts the Weimar constitution (to come into force on August 14)
- 1930 - The radio mystery program The Shadow is aired for the first time.
- 1932 - The NSDAP wins more than 38% of the vote in German elections.
- 1936 - The International Olympic Committee announces that the 1940 Summer Olympics will to be held in Tokyo. However, the games are given back to the IOC after the Second Sino-Japanese War breaks out, and are eventually cancelled altogether because of World War II.
- 1938 - Bulgaria signs a non-aggression pact with Greece and other states of Balkan Antanta (Turkey, Romania, Yugoslavia)
- 1938 - Archaeologists discovered engraved plates of gold and silver from King Darius in Persepolis.
- 1940 - A doodlebug train in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio collides with a multi-car freight train heading the opposite way, killing 43 people.
- 1941 - Holocaust: Under instructions from Adolf Hitler, Nazi official Hermann Göring, orders SS General Reinhard Heydrich to "submit to me as soon as possible a general plan of the administrative material and financial measures necessary for carrying out the desired final solution of the Jewish question."
- 1945 - Pierre Laval, fugitive former leader of Vichy France, surrenders to Allied soldiers in Austria.
- 1945 - John K. Giles attempts to escape from Alcatraz prison.
1948 - At Idlewild Field in New York, New York International Airport (later renamed John F. Kennedy International Airport) is dedicated.
- 1951 - Japan Airlines is established.
- 1954 - First ascent of K2, by an Italian expedition led by Ardito Desio.
- 1956 - Jim Laker sets an extraordinary record at Old Trafford in the fourth Test of taking nineteen wickets in a first-class match (the previous best was seventeen).
- 1961 - At Fenway Park in Boston, Massachusetts, the first All-Star Game tie in major league baseball history occurs when the game is stopped in the 9th inning because of rain.
- 1964 - Ranger program: Ranger 7 sends back the first close-up photographs of the moon, with images 1,000 times clearer than anything ever seen from earth-bound telescopes.
- 1970 - Black Tot Day: The last day of the officially sanctioned rum ration in the Royal Navy.
- 1971 - Apollo program: Apollo 15 astronauts become the first to ride in a lunar rover.
- 1972 - Northeast Airlines flies its last flight before being integrated into Delta Air Lines the next day.
- 1973 - A Delta Air Lines jetliner crashes while landing in fog at Logan Airport, Boston, Massachusetts killing 89.
- 1975 - In Detroit, Michigan, Teamsters Union president Jimmy Hoffa is reported missing.
- 1976 - Viking program: Viking 1 - NASA releases the famous Face on Mars photo.
- 1981 - General Omar Torrijos of Panama dies in a plane crash.
- 1981 - 42-day strike of Major League Baseball ends in the United States.
- 1987 - A rare, class F-4 tornado rips through Edmonton, Alberta, killing 27 people and causing $330 million in damage.
- 1988 - 32 people are killed and 1,674 injured when a bridge at the Sultan Abdul Halim ferry terminal collapses in Butterworth, Malaysia.
- 1991 - The Medininkai Massacre in Lithuania. Soviet OMON attacks Lithuanian customs post in Medininkai and kills 7 officers, 1 of severely wounded (after a head shot) becomes disabled.
- 1992 - A Thai Airways Airbus A300-310 crashes into mountain north of Kathmandu, Nepal killing 113.
- 1999 - Discovery Program: Lunar Prospector - NASA intentionally crashes the spacecraft into the Moon, thus ending its mission to detect frozen water on the moon's surface.
- 2006 - Fidel Castro hands over power temporarily to brother Raúl Castro. This leads to a celebration in Little Havana [La Pequeña Habana in Spanish], Miami, Florida, where many Cuban Americans participated.
- 2007 - Operation Banner, the presence of the British Army in Northern Ireland, and longest-running British Army operation ever, comes to an end.

*Wikipedia

New Linens-N-Shit Opens

MACON, GA—Linens-N-Shit, the nation's largest retailer of bedsheets, tablecloths, and a wide assortment of other shit, will open its new location Tuesday morning at the Macon Mall.

"We are excited to open our first store in the Macon area, and we encourage shoppers to arrive early and check out all of our great linens and shit," said Robert Barlow, the company's senior vice president. "We're proud to offer the local community the best selection of the name-brand shit you want at the prices you love."

"We've got all sorts of shit," Barlow added. "Bath shit, kitchen shit, shit for the bedroom, seasonal shit, and all the other shit you could possibly imagine, plus linens."

The store is scheduled to open its doors at 6 a.m. The first 100 customers will receive a bunch of free shit.

The 55,000-square-foot facility features 12 full-service checkout lanes and six express lanes, four kiosks to register shit for important events, and dozens of aisles stacked floor to ceiling with an estimated 650 tons of shit. Kenneth Resch, manager of the Macon store, said that if customers cannot find shit in the right color or size, the shit they need can be located in heaping piles of overstock shit in the Linens-N-Shit warehouse.

"Anything not available at our retail location can easily be purchased from our online store at linensnshit.com," Resch said. "We've got a crapload of shit there."

--more--

*The Onion

LOST - The Numbers

The numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42 appear throughout the series, both in sequence and individually. They were broadcast from the Island's radio transmitter, and it was this message that drew Rousseau's expedition there. Although she later changed the message after the deaths of the rest of her team, the numbers had also been heard by other people, eventually making their way to Hurley, who used them to win a lottery.


After those around him suffer a series of misfortunes, he begins to believe the numbers are cursed. In the episode "Numbers", it is revealed that Hurley heard the numbers from Leonard Sims, a patient at a mental hospital. Sims had received them from Sam Toomey, with whom he had served in the U.S. Navy, at "a listening post monitoring longwave transmissions over the Pacific" 16 years earlier. The numbers are prevalent throughout the modern-day island, as they are engraved on the hatch of the Swan station, appear on medicine bottles, and constitute a code that must be entered into the Swan station's terminal.

According to the DHARMA Orientation video in the Lost Experience, the Numbers represent the exponents of the Valenzetti Equation, which claims to accurately predict when humanity will be extinguished.

*Wikipedia

STAR WARS - THE CLONE WARS - In Theaters and on Television in 2008

Starring: Matt Lanter ... Anakin Skywalker (2008)

Ian Abercrombie ... Chancellor Palpatine (2008)

Matthew Wood ... General Grevious (voice)

Greg Ellis ... Turk (2008)

Anthony Daniels ... C-3PO (voice)

Catherine Taber ... Padme Amidala (2008)

Prelude: A new era of Star Wars entertainment begins in 2008 when Star Wars: The Clone Wars, from creator George Lucas, premieres as an all-new feature film in August, followed by the television series debut in the fall, in a partnership announced today between Lucasfilm Ltd., Warner Bros. Pictures and Turner Broadcasting System Inc.

Produced by Lucasfilm Animation, Star Wars: The Clone Wars takes audiences on incredible new Star Wars adventures, combining the legendary storytelling of Lucasfilm with an eye-popping, signature animation style. Star Wars: The Clone Wars will open in North American theaters Friday, August 15. International release dates will be announced soon.

"I felt there were a lot more Star Wars stories left to tell," said George Lucas, executive producer of Star Wars: The Clone Wars. "I was eager to start telling some of them through animation and, at the same time, push the art of animation forward."

The theatrical debut of Star Wars: The Clone Wars is only the beginning of all-new Star Wars adventures that continue in the fall when the long-awaited television series premieres on Cartoon Network, followed by airings on TNT. Details regarding international broadcasts will be announced shortly. Star Wars: The Clone Wars showcases an entirely new look and feel to the galaxy far, far away -- combining the expansive scope of the Star Wars Saga with state-of-the-art computer-generated animation. Each week, viewers will see a thrilling, 30-minute "mini-movie" created by the talented artists at Lucasfilm Animation.

--more--

Synopsis: On the front lines of an intergalactic struggle between good and evil, fans young and old will join such favorite characters as Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Padmé Amidala, along with brand-new heroes like Anakin's padawan learner, Ahsoka. Sinister villains - led by Palpatine, Count Dooku and General Grievous - are poised to rule the galaxy. Stakes are high, and the fate of the "Star Wars" universe rests in the hands of the daring Jedi Knights. Their exploits lead to the action-packed battles and astonishing new revelations that fill "Star Wars: The Clone Wars."

Coming to Theatres August 15th

Wise Words

When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.

-Anonymous-



Don't get too influenced by one person's opinion. You might as well look within yourself and get influenced by your gut instinct.



Anger and love are identical, they make a person blind.




As you struggle to be the best parent you can be, keep one goal in mind; that as your kids get older, they should always know that you love them. We all make mistakes as parents, but it's a lot easier for them to understand and appreciate your efforts (however clumsy) if they know your heart in the right place.



Along life’s' way, be careful what you say. Make your choice of words soft and sweet. Because you'll never know which ones you will have to eat.



We know the lower your cholesterol level, the better off we are.
That is generally true if its le level of “bad” cholesterol (LDL) and the drop is the result of treatment by such medications as the statins. However, a spontaneous dip in cholesterol level in the absence of any such therapy may be associated with an overactive thyroid, certain forms of cancer or liver disease.

Medical Facts or Fiction
By Dr. Isadore Rosenfeld

Yuk It Up!

A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane. He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger, an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the plane and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?"


Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news!" Then Earl said, time for the bad news....”You're pitching tomorrow night."


You know you're really drunk if you can't lie on the floor without holding on.


A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant. One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?" The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000." The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?" "Well," the doctor replied,” the female brain is less because it has been used."


An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,
"No way, buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in through the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."


One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.
the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"
The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"
The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".
The genie was silent for a minute, then said


"So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

Motivational Poster

*Thanks, Calvin!

Cool!

This is the craziest thing I've seen in a long time. For blackberry owners, you'll need to look at this on a pc. You also have to get out of your seat and walk about 5 metres away from your computer. People may think you're crazy. But the illusion is well worth it...



When you look at this picture in a closer look you see its Albert Einstein .
But if you stand 5 metres distance. It will become Marilyn Monroe!!
Give a try.

One or Two Liner Puns

1. Archaeologists in Britain found part of an ancient door. It had a stone hinge on it.

2. I just "affixed" a stamp to an envelope as the envelope instructed me to do. I realised that I enjoy affixing stamps. Does this make me a stamp affixionado?

3. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...

4. Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, I find him very annoying. I think I might be lack-toes intolerant.

5. Did you hear that the French have brought out a portable stereo which looks like a big chocolate cake. It's called a gateaux blaster.

6. The policeman pulls over a car onto the side of the road and walks over to the driver.
"Do you realise you've got two snakes attached to the front of your car?" he asks.
"It's all right," replies the driver, "they're just my windscreen vipers."

7. My Father was a brick layer before he was sent to prison; to this day he still isn't a free mason.

8. There was one a dromedary whose fur was an amazingly close match in colour to the desert sand, and he was almost impossible to see. Some called him 'the invisible dromedary', but in reality he wasn't invisible; he was just really well camel-flaged.

9. Did you hear about the new line of Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses? They will be for people who love meat tender.

10. The price of chess pieces was going up. I had to buy quickly, so I decided to contact my pawn broker.

When asked if my friends understood these puns... not one Pun-In-Ten-Did.

F Minus

Pirating Music

Found this on ZUNE SCENE and thought it was worth considering and sharing....

I can understand pirating something if it's long out of print, or if you're a struggling college student who genuinely loves music, but there is nothing so sad as a grown adult with a job who whines about music being too expensive (despite owning a $250 MP3 player), and who sits on a fat nest of pirated files all proud like he gave birth to them himself, acting like he's a frontline soldier in the fight against the RIAA.

Downloading RIAA music for free doesn't fight the RIAA. Spending money on non-RIAA music fights the RIAA.

You're not fighting the system by pirating RIAA musicians. At best, you're hurting the musicians you seem to want to listen to. Way to go, champ.

The only way to end DRM is by spending your money on media that doesn't use it, acquired through legitimate means.

"Oh, but balistic, then I can't listen to !"

Yeah? and? You're going to die if you can't listen to Nickelback?

There are a ton of online stores selling non-RIAA, non-DRM music, for totally reasonable prices. If you can't be bothered to find something you like in one of them, then you deserve every annoyance the major labels can shove in your tone-deaf ears.

The majors will die more quickly if you spend money (even a little) on the good music they have nothing to do with.

I'll give you a start:

http://www.bleep.com (wide range of styles, better quality than iTunes, and no DRM whatsoever)
http://www.detroitdigitalvinyl.com (if you like techno, this place is heaven. You can even download WAV files!)

*balistic
Zune Freak

It's not easy being me

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
the better part of me.

I'm more than a bird
I'm more than a plane
I'm more than some
pretty face beside a train and
it's not easy to be me.

I Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
about a home I'll never see.

It may sound absurd
but don't be naive
even heroes have
the right to bleed
I may be disturbed
but won't you concede
even heroes have the right to dream
and it's not easy to be me.

Up up and away,
away from me, well it's all right,
you can all sleep sound tonight,
I'm not crazy...or anything.

I can't stand to fly,
I'm not that naive,
men weren't meant to ride
with clouds between their knees

I'm only a man
in a silly red sheet
digging for kryptonite on this one-way street
Only a man in a phony red sheet
looking for special things inside me
Inside me...
Inside me...
Yeah, inside of me..
Inside of me....
I'm only a man in a phony red sheet
I'm only a man looking for a dream
I'm only a man in a phony red sheet
and ït's not easy...
It's not easy to be
me...
*Lyrics by David Gray

TRUE or FALSE? - YOU DECIDE!

The European City of Paris' motto is "Fluctuat nec mergitur".

Yep. The English translation from Latin for “though rocked by the waves, she does not sink”




Paris at Night

Quote of the day

"Arithmetic is being able to count to sixteen without taking off your shoes."
--Mickey Mouse (1928-)

He Doth Speak The Truth!

Filmmaker uncovers the struggle of gay Muslims in 'A Jihad for Love'

Parvez Sharma, director of "A Jihad for Love," addresses a crowd at the Director Guild of America headquarters. The documentary about gay and lesbian Muslims was filmed surreptitiously in 12 countries over six years.

Parvez Sharma's documentary depicts their battle to reconcile their sexual orientation with their devotion to a faith that condemns their way of life. The film screens at an L.A. theater next week.

By Duke Helfand, Los Angeles Times Staff Writer

"AJihad for Love" may not be the blockbuster movie of the season, but the new documentary about the plight of gay and lesbian Muslims is enjoying a degree of acclaim as it casts light on a subject often shrouded in mystery.

The film's gay Muslim director, Parvez Sharma, has spent the last year touring theaters and festivals around the world.

This month, he and his movie arrived in Los Angeles.

"A Jihad for Love" was the documentary centerpiece last week at Outfest, a gay and lesbian film festival. On Friday it opens at Laemmle's Sunset 5 Theatres in West Hollywood and Camelot Theatres in Palm Springs.

Filmed surreptitiously in 12 countries over six years, the movie offers a window into the distraught lives of gay and lesbian Muslims as they struggle to reconcile their sexual orientation with their devotion to a faith that condemns their way of life.

Some are beaten or imprisoned. Others are forced to flee their homelands. Several have their faces obscured in the film to protect their identities and their families from reprisals.

But Sharma, 35, a former print and broadcast journalist in India, said he did not intend to attack Islam but to open a dialogue about a dilemma that forces people to endure lives of quiet desperation.

And therein lies the meaning behind the film's title: Jihad, often equated with holy war, means "struggle" or "to strive in the path of God," Sharma said.

"I know there is a deep hunger for this film," said Sharma, who shot the movie, his first feature documentary, in Egypt, Turkey, India, South Africa, France and other countries.

"There are vast differences among Muslims on how to deal with homosexuality," he added. "For the most part, they choose to ignore it as long as it is kept private."

The problem for many of Sharma's subjects, he said, is that they refuse to keep silent or ignore their desire to love despite the risks. And that invariably leads to conflict with their faith, their families, their countries and themselves.

Consider the experience of Mazen, a twentysomething Egyptian who in the film is arrested in a raid of a gay disco and then raped in prison. He flees to Paris before a second, longer prison sentence can be imposed. Still, he maintains his faith. "I'm sure God has a reason for all that has happened to me," he says. "I know that he is always with me."

And then there is Maryam, a lesbian also living in Paris who maintains a long-distance relationship with her partner, Maha, in Cairo.

In one of their visits, Maha asks: "Why can't we be together and at the same time live with God?"

Maryam replies: "I don't know if it's possible. I don't know."

Muhsin Hendricks, an imam from South Africa, loses his position as a teacher after he reveals his homosexuality. Instead of turning bitter, however, he devotes himself to convincing fellow Muslims that the Koran has no ban on gay love -- a position rejected by an Islamic scholar with whom he meets in the film.

"We will consider you a murtad, an apostate, and out of the fold of Islam," the scholar says. "Homosexuality is a crime not only in Islam, in every divine religion, and is punishable in Islam by death."

To make "A Jihad for Love," Sharma teamed up with producer Sandi DuBowski, who made the 2001 documentary "Trembling Before G-d," which depicted the struggle of gay and lesbian Orthodox and Hasidic Jews.

Although the two films tackle similar terrain, Sharma's movie was especially difficult to make because of the dangers, including police surveillance and the threat of arrest, which he was able to avoid.

Sharma -- who wears jeans, red-rimmed glasses and a necklace with a gold pendant featuring the name of God in Arabic, "Allah" -- said he often posed as a tourist while filming, and sandwiched his interviews between innocuous footage.

--more--

Dirty Limericks...

There once was a fellow McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

There once was a man Robin Hood
Who lived in a Knottingham wood
He learned how to f**k
from old Friar Tuck
And made Marion whenever he could

There once was a fellow O'Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
said Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!

A pirate, history relates
Was scuffling with some of his mates
When he slipped on a cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates

There once was a woman named Jill
Who swallowed an exploding pill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her tits in a tree in Brazil

There once was a plumber from Lee
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
She said Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!
Said the plumber still plumbing... It's me!

A right twisted wench from Caprees-ed
Orgasmed each time that she sneez-ed
To the druggist she went
And laid down her last cent
Said, "A barrel of snuff, if you pleas-ed."

On the moors Kelly walked in a daze
There she'd bark at the moon and the haze
Still her friends weren't concerned
For by now they had learned
Once a month she would go through this phase.
(author's note to the ladies: "She was a
werewolf. Now is it funny?")

A randy marsupial named Reeves
Spent some time with the whores 'tween their knees
When they'd asked him for money
He'd say "Listen honey
A koala eats bushes and leaves."

Now down in the valley of Shneel
Lived a woman who loved to reveal
With her curtains well drawn
Standing bare as a fawn
She'd do this really neat trick with an eel

Now this right old man was a sick 'un
He had a dozen hen ripe for the pickin'
He'd chase 'em around
With his trousers pulled down
And he'd say "Whatsa matter, you chicken?"

A new farmer's helper named Kull
Accidentally was milking a bull
The farmer said, "Boy yer dumb,
You done milked the wrong one!"
Said the boy, "But me whole bucket's full."

Twas a crazy old man called O'Keef
Who caused local farmers much grief
To their cows he would run
Cut their legs off for fun
And say "Look, I've invented ground beef!"

There once was a man from Madrass
Whose balls were made out of brass
When he'd bang 'em together
They'd play stormy weather
And lightning would shoot out of his ass

There once was a man from Havana
Screwed a girl on a player piano
At the height of their fever
Her ass hit the lever
And Yes he has no banana...

There once was a man from East Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save her some trouble
He folded it double
And instead of coming...he went

There once was a man from Bonaire
Who was doing his wife on the stair
When the banister broke
He doubled his stroke
And finished her off in midair

A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit
"Does shit stick to your fur as a habit?"
"Of course not," said the hare,
"It's really quite rare!"
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

There was a young tease from Mount Chesser
Who'd smile as the men would assess her
So flirtatious was she
Inviting them home to tea
Then allowing not one to undress her

To his friend, Ned said, rather blue,
"My wife Edith just told me we're through,
For she says I'm too fat."
And his friend told him that,
"You can't have your cake and Edith, too."

There once was a girl named Tristan
Whose beer that she ordered was was pissed in
She said "I don't think,"
As she spit out her drink,
"On the menu that this one was listed."

Said a fool whose mind was quite miniscule
As his ignorance reached a new pinnacle
"I don't believe in astrology
It's my ideology
But I'm a Leo and Leo's are cynical.

I had me a wench from East Broint
Who bade me her skin to anoint
The girl had arthritis
And so I decided
She wouldn't mind one more stiff joint.

Television

101 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

The struggle within

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Trivia Quiz

Click here for the Answers. They are blue text highlighted in yellow.

1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil

2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...
A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay

3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...
A. It's you
B. He is us
C. It's the Grinch
D. He wasn't home
E. He's really mean
F. We quit
G. He surrendered

4. Good night, David...
A. Good night, Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good Night! , Irene
D. Good Night, Gracie
E. See you later, alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night, Steve

5. You'll wonder where the yellow went,
A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend,
A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G. Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo

7. Liar, liar...
A. You're a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I'm telling Mom

8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and...
A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines

9 . Hey, kids, what time is it?
A. It's time for Yogi Bear
B. It's time to do your homework
C. It's Howdy Doody Time
D. It's Time for Romper Room
E. It's bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scooby Doo Time

10. Lions and tigers and bears...
A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I'm scared
E. Oh My
F. Help Help
H. Let's run

11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone...
A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don't know
F. Who says, 'Trust me'
G. Who eats tofu

12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's stockings.
A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway

13. Brylcream...
A. Smear it on
B. You'll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Greaseball heaven
E. It's a dream
F. We're your team
G. A little dab'll do ya

14. I found my thrill...
A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the window sill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill

15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...
A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno

16. Name the Beatles...
A. John, Steve, George , Ringo
B. John, Paul, George , Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George , Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George , Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George , Ringo

17. I wonder, wonder, wonder, who...
A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?

18. I'm strong to the finish...
A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I'm the hero
E. And don't you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To out last Bluto

19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today...
A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
B. Smile, you're on Star Search
C. Smile, you won the lottery
D. Smile, we're watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you're a hit
G. Smile, you're on TV

20. What do M & M's do?
A. Make your tummy happy
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C. Make you fat
D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G. Come in colours

Click here for the Answers. They are blue text highlighted in yellow.

*Thanks, Erwin

Take This!

Gay Iraqis fear for their lives

By Michael McDonough, BBC News website

"I don't want to be gay anymore. When I go out to buy bread, I'm afraid. When the doorbell rings, I think that they have come for me."

That is the fear that haunts Hussein, and other gay men in Iraq.

They say that since the US-led invasion, gay people are being killed because of their sexual orientation.

They blame the increase in violence on the growing influence of religious figures and militia groups in Iraq since Saddam Hussein was ousted.

Islam considers homosexuality sinful. A website published in the Iranian city of Qom in the name of Ayatollah Sistani, Iraq's most revered Shia cleric, says: "Those who commit sodomy must be killed in the harshest way".

The statement appears in Arabic section of the website, in a section dealing with questions of morality, but not in the English-language equivalent.

The BBC asked Mr Sistani's representative, Seyed Kashmiri, to explain the ruling.

"Homosexuals and lesbians are not killed for practising their inclinations for the first time," Mr Kashmiri said in a response sent via email.

"There are certain conditions drawn out by jurists before this punishment can be implemented, which is perhaps similar to the punishment meted out by other heavenly religions."

Mr Kashmiri added: "Some rulings that are drawn out by jurists are done so on a theoretical basis. Not everything that is said is implemented."

Violent attacks

Killings and kidnappings are widespread in Iraq, with much of the bloodshed being linked to sectarian tensions and the anti-US insurgency.

But homosexual Iraqis who have spoken to the BBC say they are also being targeted because of their sexual orientation.

Hussein is 32 and lives in Baghdad with his brother, sister-in-law and nieces.

He says his effeminate appearance and demeanour make him stand out and attract hostility.

"My brother's friends told him: 'In the current chaos you could get away with killing your brother without retribution and get rid of this shame,'" Hussein said, after agreeing to speak to the BBC only if his real name was not used.

A transsexual friend of his, who had changed names from Haydar to Dina, was killed on her way to a party in Baghdad about six months ago, Hussein said.

Gym terror

Ahmed is a 31-year-old interior decorator who used to live in Baghdad with his boyfriend, Mazin.

Ahmed fled to Jordan nine months ago after Mazin was murdered outside a gym.

"I fled from Iraq because of the threat to my life."

--Ahmed

After his partner was shot dead, Ahmed hid in the gym toilets then slipped away and later flew to Amman, the Jordanian capital.

He says it was well known that they were a couple and Mazin was targeted because of his sexuality.

"I fled from Iraq because of the threat to my life, because I was a gay man," he told the BBC.

Ahmed also said that, before the gym shooting, he and a gay friend had survived a grenade attack and he still had fragments of shrapnel in his face.

The friend was killed a week later by gunmen who raided his house, he added.

Powerfull Militia

Iraq's deputy interior minister Maj Gen Hussein Kamal told the BBC that he was unaware of any minority groups being specifically targeted for kidnappings and killings.

He also said he was unaware of the statement on Ayatollah Sistani's website calling for gay people to be killed.

But he added: "We do not condone vigilante action. We encourage the victims to inform the authorities if they are subjected to any attacks."

However, Hussein says gay people are afraid of the police.

The Interior Ministry is run by members of Supreme Council for the Islamic Revolution in Iraq (Sciri), which is one of Iraq's country's leading Shia parties.

Sciri has its own militia, the Badr Brigades, and there are widespread concerns that large parts of Iraq's police force are under the control of such groups.

Hussein blames the Badr Brigades and other Shia militia for many of the attacks on gay Iraqis.

"Saddam was a tyrant, but at least we had more freedom then"

--Hussein

Human rights group Amnesty International has focused most of its work in Iraq on the high levels of violence linked to the insurgency.

The organisation said it had no information on reports of anti-gay activities in the country.

"It is not an area that we have been actively looking at, but that is not to say that we will not look into the issue at some point," said a spokesman at the group's London headquarters.

But Hussein, Ahmed and gay activists outside Iraq say there is clear evidence that the situation has deteriorated dramatically for Iraqi homosexuals.

"Saddam was a tyrant, but at least we had more freedom then," said Hussein. "Nowadays, gay men are just killed for no reason."

Arabic interviews by Muhayman Jamil

Story from BBC NEWS:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/2/hi/middle_east/4915172.stm

Published: 2006/04/17 12:35:57 GMT

© BBC MMVIII

Happy Bunny

Voices of Witness: Africa

"Walking with Integrity - Voices of Witness: Africa"

Claiming the Blessing and Integrity USA are pleased to offer a first look at "Voices of Witness: Africa", stories of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender Christians in Africa.

Click here to view the video. (18 minutes)

I Hate My Job - "An opposite poem"

Created by x-Marilyn-Manson-x - adapted by The Wizard of 'OZ'

I Hate My Job

I Hate my job, I Hate the pay!

I Hate it more and more each day.

I Hate my boss, she is the worst!

I Hate her boss, and all the rest.

I Hate my cubicle and its location,

I love to have to go on vacation.

I Hate my furniture, drab and grey,

and piles of paper that grow each day!

I think my job really smells,

there's nothing else I Hate so well.

I Hate to work among my peers,

I Hate their leers and jeers and sneers.

I Hate my computer and its software;

I snap at it often, though it won't care.

I Hate each program and every file.

I'd Hate them more if they worked a while.

I am sad to be here, I am. I am.

I'm the second saddest slave of the Firm,I am.

I Hate this work, I Hate these chores.

I Hate the meetings with deadly bores.

I Hate my job-I'll say it again,

I even Hate those friendly men.

Those friendly men who've come today,

In clean white suits to take me away!

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

ON YOU NEED MORE THAN A TRAVEL AGENCY, DUDE

Man: Is it possible to see England from Canada?

Travel agent: No.

Man: But they look so close on the map.

--conversation at a travel agency

Google Knol Launches

Google went live with Knol, a platform to read and write articles on all kinds of subjects. Knol was being tested privately since some time and had been pre-announced back in 2007. The address is knol.google.com, but notably not knol.com or knol.org or even googleknol.com. This project is somewhat reminiscent of Wikipedia, though there are many differences as well.

--more--

The address of the Google Knol is knol.google.com

I think you are the father of one of my kids....

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her; so he says, 'Do you know me?' to which she replies, 'I think that you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

*Thanks, Bright Eyes!

This World Is Not My Home

This world is not my home I'm just a passing through

My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue

The angels beckon me from heaven's open door

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore

Oh Lord you know I have no friend like you

If heaven's not my home then Lord what will I do

The angels beckon me from heaven's open door

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore

I have a loving mother just up in Gloryland

And I don't expect to stop until I shake her hand

She's waiting now for me in heaven's open door

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore

Oh Lord you know...

Just over in Gloryland we'll live eternaly the saints on every hand are shouting victory

Their songs of sweetest praise drift back from heaven's shore

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore

Oh Lord you know...

Don't Die of Embarrassment (Funny but True)

COLONOSCOPY JOURNAL
This is from newshound Dave Barry

.... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenteritis specialist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.

I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'

How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?

Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

W hen everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail,exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

*Thanks Erwin

Dead or Alive?

Remember all those famous or infamous people you wonder about?



Are they still around somewhere or have they gone to their final reward?

Find out on the link below!

http://www.deadoraliveinfo.com/dead.nsf/pages-nf/main

*Thanks, Erwin

THE YEAR 1908

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!

The year is 1908.

One hundred years ago.

What a difference a century makes!

Here are some statistics for the Year 1908 :

************************************

The average life expectancy was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.



Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.



The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!



The average wage in 1908 was 22 cents per hour.

The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year



A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,

A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.



More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME.



Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!

Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which

Were condemned in the press AND the government as ' substandard. '



Sugar cost four cents a pound..

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.



Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.



Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used

Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.



Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from

Entering into their country for any reason.



Five leading causes of death were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza

2. Tuberculosis

3. Diarrhea

4. Heart disease

5. Stroke



The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!



Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea

Hadn't been invented yet.



There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.



Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school..

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health. '



Eighteen percent of households had at least

One full-time servant or domestic help.



There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!

And organized Barbershop didn't exist



Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing

It (all) myself, and sent it to you and others all over Canada & U.S.A

Possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!



Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.



IT STAGGERS THE MIND!

*Thanks, Marion

TAROT - THE WORLD

TAROT - The WorldTarot card number: 21

Planet: Saturn

Positive asociations with this tarot card: fulfillment, completion, satisfaction, joy, wholeness, success.

Negative associations with this tarot card: stagnation, lack of will, impatience, delays.

The World heralds the arrival of your heart's desire, whatever that may be, a time of achievement, recognition, success and triumph.

This card signals a time of enjoyment, of holidays and travel, time with loved ones, a fulfilling relationship is on offer and spoiling yourself with the material things you've been wanting.

The World also marks the end of one cycle and the beginning of another.

Negatively, The World points toward delays and that you may still need to overcome some challenges before you suceed, so don't give up so close to the finish line.

Don't be lacking in vision or feel insecure, success will soon be yours.

Whatever your dreams or ambitions, The World card can herald the arrival of your heart’s desire - a time of completion and fulfillment.

This is an especially wonderful card to have as an outcome card, if preceded by other positive cards.

It is a card of triumph, recognition for all your hard work and effort, or reward after a period of struggle and challenge.

Respect and recognition is associated with the appearance of this card, as it suggests that many people around you, feel you deserve the happiness and joy the card represents.

The World card can also mean that the world is your oyster, so it often represents travel, or suggests you broaden your horizons if you are to acquire your heart’s desire.

This is such a positive card, that even the negative aspect, normally indicated by preceded cards being less positive or cards of challenge, simply means a period of delay before the success you desire becomes manifest.

Are you living in the life you want, or do you desire to step out into the ‘big wide world’ and seek adventure?

The World IS your oyster, so when you see this card in your readings, remember to keep your heart and mind open to greater possibilities.


 "AnkhIwiEmHotep"
Life and Peace be with You --Cinosam