Can you 'Ear' me now????

*Thanks, Andy

Dice Expert

*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

Redneck Etiquette

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. Its considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

***DINING OUT***

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME***

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days; however,if you live alone, deodorant is just a waste of money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

***DATING (Outside the Family)***

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

***WEDDINGS ***

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

***DRIVING ETIQUETTE***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

*Thanks, Daryn

Listen to me, You must... because very wise, I am..

The new milk cow

Ole is a farmer in Wisconsin who needs a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over in Saskatchewan, so he drives to Saskatchewan, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised so he looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. But milk comes out, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and takes it home.

He calls his neighbor, Sven over and says, "Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "I bet you bought dis cow in Saskatchewan, yah?"

Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah,dat's right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Saskatchewan.

*Thanks, Andy

Only Human

OOPS!

YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS
 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
 
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
 
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
 
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

*Thanks, Andy

Golf lessons

A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet; goes over to it, whiffs it; and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet; and then hacks it another 5 feet. She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those fu#king lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies, "Well, there you have it lady. You should have taken golf.

A NICE WHOLESOME OLD FASHIONED STORY

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?

"No!" Donald quacked, "I'm Not THAT Kind of Duck!"

*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

Credit Cards

Be sure & cancel your credit cards before you die. ( now, that's a hard one to figure out.) Dates are out as this would have happened a while ago. I checked Snopes.com and found that while this is probably a real incident, the actual conversation may not be 100% accurate:


A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February & March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees & interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it's somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau; maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor"

Supervisor gets on the phone.

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (the fax number is given)



After they get the fax ...



Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"


What fun it is dealing with "customer service."

*Thanks, Daryn

Rednecks Ice fishing

Two rednecks are out ice fishing at their favorite
fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.



Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says,
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife -
she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."


Earl continues slowly sipping his beer,
then thoughtfully says,

"You better think it over -
women like that are hard to find."
*Thanks, Ken

CHOCOLATE SINGS

One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old "blue hair" about 80 years old, came along with them---All in all, a pleasant bunch. When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."

I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. "Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed.

We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time. But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine. I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down. The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.

The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae. I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait. I smiled. She asked if she amused me. I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?

She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, "I taste all that's Possible. I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should.

But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good.

This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned) I haven't been this old before."

"So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored. I haven't smelled all the flowers yet.

There are too many books I haven't read. There are more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.

There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes.

I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face.

I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.

I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast.

I want un-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most.

I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again.


So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."

With that, I called the waitress over. "I've changed my mind," I said. "I want what she is having; only add some more whipped cream!"

This is my gift to you - We need an annual Friends Day! If you get this twice, then you have more than one friend. Live well, love much & laugh often - Be happy.

Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE SINGS

*Thanks, Pammy

It Had To Happen...

HYUK!

Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.

Wisdom of Larry the cable guy.

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm..

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming; your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

*Thanks, Daryn!

Duck Hunting

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, then tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more f#cking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

*Thanks, Andy

Saturn Eclipse

Don't know if this is real or not, could be since there have been new pictures of Saturn floating around.. but here it is.

Use of Wiccan Symbol on Veterans’ Headstones Is Approved

WASHINGTON, April 23 — To settle a lawsuit, the Department of Veterans Affairs has agreed to add the Wiccan pentacle to a list of approved religious symbols that it will engrave on veterans’ headstones.


The settlement, which was reached on Friday, was announced on Monday by Americans United for the Separation of Church and State, which represented the plaintiffs in the case.

Though it has many forms, Wicca is a type of pre-Christian belief that reveres nature and its cycles. Its symbol is the pentacle, a five-pointed star, inside a circle.

Until now, the Veterans Affairs department had approved 38 symbols to indicate the faith of deceased service members on memorials. It normally takes a few months for a petition by a faith group to win the department’s approval, but the effort on behalf of the Wiccan symbol took about 10 years and a lawsuit, said Richard B. Katskee, assistant legal director for Americans United.

The group attributed the delay to religious discrimination. Many Americans do not consider Wicca a religion, or hold the mistaken belief that Wiccans are devil worshipers.

“The Wiccan families we represented were in no way asking for special treatment,” the Rev. Barry W. Lynn, executive director of Americans United, said at a news conference Monday. “They wanted precisely the same treatment that dozens of other religions already had received from the department, an acknowledgment that their spiritual beliefs were on par with those of everyone else.”

A Veterans Affairs spokesman, Matt Burns, confirmed that the “V.A. will be adding the pentacle to its list of approved emblems of belief that will be engraved on government-provided markers.”

--more--

*NY Times

Rated PG

They worked at their jobs!

They shopped for groceries!

They even went to the movies!

They lived...

THE HOMOSEXUAL LIFESTYLE!

SEE...them do their laundry!

HEAR...them order from the local take-out!

FEEL...your spine tingle as they watch TV!

Rated PG (Please Get over it)

Catholic Dictionary

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily
2. Catholic air conditioning 3. Your receipt for attending Mass

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman

USHERS: The only people in the Parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

The Wiz On The Street

A study of people taking antipsychotic drugs for treatment of schizophrenia reveals that diminished sexual function is an unwanted side effect. So the Wizard hit the streets again, asking, "What do you think?"

Lyndon Fitzpatrick,
Scuba Instructor
"Where can I get some of those drugs? I'm sick of sex."

Molly Prescott,
Unemployed
"My God. That means virtually everyone on Craigslist is off their meds."

Ty Jackson,
Systems Analyst
"That's it, no more medication for me. I sure hope I get laid a lot in the lucid moments from my nightmarish paranoid delusions and horrifying hallucinations."

*American Voices, The Onion

DO YOU KNOW WHO THEY ARE??

Below are pictures of celebrities taken a few years ago.
To see the answer, 'Hover' over the picture

HOW MANY DO YOU KNOW?

Who Are They?

Don't hover over the pictures until you give it a try.


























*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

Barry's Bike.

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted:

"Mum, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.

Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.


Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Barry.


Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.


Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy This year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Barry.


Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.


Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Your friend, Barry.


Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.


Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, he slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.


Barry began to write his letter to God.


I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

*Thanks, Andy

13 Reasons to Smile

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

5. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"

6. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

7. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

8. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

11. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.

12. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

13. Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"

*Thanks, Andy!

The Rules of Chocolate

1) If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. 2) Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. 3) The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. 4) Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. 5) A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? 6) If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? 7) If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. 8) Money talks. Chocolate sings. 9) Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. 10) Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit. 11) Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. 12) Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake.

*Thanks, Andy!

A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

We’ve thought, discussed, and prayed about it long enough. Now we have to make a decision. I am going to try to convince you that full acceptance and inclusion of homosexuals in the Anglican Church –not merely the blessing of same-sex marriage -- is clearly the right thing to do, despite the risk of schism.

Both “conservatives” and “liberals” must agree, I contend, that we have all overlooked the importance of one crucial fact about the Anglican tradition, which , when we take it into account, makes the right decision obvious. Once the muddle about Tradition is cleared up, the other two legs of the Anglican tripod, Scripture and Reason, will be seen to support that decision.

This should not surprise us. With famous exceptions, in most cases the right thing to do becomes, at some point, all too obvious. Almost always, the hard part is mustering the gumption to do it.

. The crucial fact to which I refer is that our discussions have not reflected the plain and undeniable truth about the Anglican tradition concerning homosexuals.

Almost all discussions I have read or heard concerning What To Do start with the proposition that persons actively homosexual are, in the Anglican tradition, thought to be in need of repentance and (if possible) reform, and are definitely excluded from any priestly office.

Wrong. All this time the real Anglican tradition has been that homosexuality –and I mean sexually active homosexuality, including all “yuck” factors --- has been not only tolerated but also tacitly accepted, subject only to the exercise of prudence and the maintenance of deniability. If you kept it secret from the outside world and from self-righteous heterosexuals within the Church, you could, if otherwise qualified, readily become a priest and ultimately a Bishop. Let’s talk specific examples. I am reliably informed that not too long ago, in our own Diocese of Edmonton, at least four of the twenty or so priests in the city of Edmonton were, or had at some point while ordained been, non-celibate homosexuals. Some time earlier still we even had a Bishop, now defunct, who had to resign when he was in danger of being “outed”. I mention that these situations occurred in the past not to protect reputations , but to emphasize that we’re talking tradition here, not counterexamples..

Show me an Anglican who says his or her diocese is different and I’ll show you a whited sepulchre. Or at best a person of surpassing credulity and simplicity.

I am also reliably informed that many Anglican seminaries are and have for many years been known to contain lots of homosexuals. For example, an “inside” joke is that the High Anglican seminary at Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, is referred to as “Fond of Lace”. Graduates therefrom who for whatever reasons are anxious to rebut the presumption are, I am told, quick at the outset of any conversation with an insider casually to mention the wife and kids.

If those attracted to the Anglican priesthood include a large percentage of homosexuals, many of whom, one may say uncontroversially, enjoy dressing up, we might infer that, a fortiori, Catholic seminaries would include at least as many persons with homosexual orientation. And we would be right. The Catholic pundit and historian Gary Wills in a chapter entitled, “A Gay Priesthood” in his recent (2000) book , Papal Sin, (among other evidence) cites a study claiming that the percentage of homosexual seminarians was about 50 in the Fifties and had risen to more than 70 percent by 1980.

How long has the Anglican tradition of hypocrisy been going on? So long that nobody quite knows when it started.. That’s as good a working definition of “tradition” as any.

“Hypocrisy”, la Rochefoucauld famously said, “is the tribute vice pays to virtue”. What we Anglicans have is a double-barreled tradition of hypocrisy. Our homosexuals have hypocritically hidden their sexual orientation; and our hierarchy and leading lay people have averted their eyes and pretended not to know. Enough. Let us plainly ask ourselves: are we going to

1) root out homosexuals from our clergy; or

2) continue to accept and tolerate homosexuals while pretending they don’t exist or are celibate, and agree not to appoint any more openly homosexual Bishops or to permit our clergy to perform or acknowledge same sex marriages; or

3) permit homosexuals to admit both their sexual orientation and practices and recognize them as full and unrestricted members of our church?

Nobody is advocating #1. Tradition strongly suggests #2. But here I confidently appeal to a moral principle that nobody will deny, and that Jesus Christ took many opportunities to affirm: namely, that in the long run, hypocrisy is bad.

If we cull the hypocrisy from Anglican tradition we are left with what should be called the Real Tradition, as opposed to the hypocritical tradition: namely, a long history of the ordination of homosexual priests and the consecration of homosexual bishops. The Real Tradition is now entirely consistent with the law of Canada and other Western societies , which not only tolerates practising homosexuals but requires that they be treated precisely like other citizens. For example, in Canada the law now ensures that same-sex partners will be entitled to survivorship benefits.

The text that springs readily to mind in this context is John 16:12-13: “ I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now. Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak:and he will show you things to come.”

That text is a knock-down argument with respect to the direction we may gain from Scripture. It is common ground that Christ left no recorded comments about homosexuality; and the analogy of his openness to the despised and ritually impure has been convincingly pressed in support of the Real Tradition. Opponents are reduced to relying on two extraordinarily irrelevant passages from Leviticus, and three somewhat equivocal and perfunctory extracts from the letters of Paul (if you’ve read this far, you know what I’m talking about). Scriptural support for opponents of divorce and female ordination was several orders of magnitude stronger. But even if I am wrong as to who has the better of the argument about the correct exegesis of these passages --- and I am certainly no theologian, though as a barrister I make my living inventing and evaluating arguments ---we have it on the highest authority that the Spirit of truth trumps exegesis.

Thus Scripture.

How, then, may we ascertain what, if anything the Spirit of truth has to say to us today?
Taking care, I hope, to avoid the risk of circularity, I submit that the Real Tradition provides a guide, or at least a rebuttable presumption. The truth about the prevalence and acceptance of homosexuality in the Church should have been obvious to Anglicans for hundreds of years. Is it not significant that only now are we able to admit it? Perhaps that is because only now, when most of the civil disabilities of minorities have been removed, are (most of us) able to bear the truth: that the category “homosexual” is as spiritually irrelevant as the categories, “slave”, “woman”, “Jew” (and Greek, for that matter), which have all come to be seen to be legally irrelevant.

“Most of us”: there’s the problem, indeed, for the worldwide “Anglican communion”.

Unfortunately, most African Anglicans --- with praiseworthy exceptions, of course, starting with Bishop Desmond Tutu — appear to have been affected by the fact that they live in societies that in some respects cannot yet bear to hear the truth about homosexuals, and may not be able to bear it for a long time. Famously, and fatuously, Bishop Akinola of Nigeria, who appears to be the heaviest hitter among the African bishops, has gone so far as to claim that homosexuality doesn’t exist in Nigeria, “even among animals”, and has apparently approved repressive laws preventing those non-existent homosexuals from even attempting to alter Nigerian law so as to achieve more toleration. Yes, yes, of course in other contexts I’m obliged to admit that there are truths evident to most people in the Third World that we in the West cannot yet hear. But tu quoque –“You’re another!”--- though the standard House-of-Commons riposte, is not an admissible argument in this context (any more than the equally common, but equally irrelevant ad hominem argument: would it matter if the writer —or the reader –is “straight” or “gay” or “bi”?). We in Canada, if we do what is right, will be merely trying to remove the beam from our own eyes by owning up to our Real Tradition. We are not attempting to legislate for Africa, or other Third-World dioceses (besides, Bishop Akinola all by himself generates enough eyewash to remove even fair-sized motes without any help from us ).

“What we got here”, to quote a phrase from the 1967 classic American film, Cool Hand Luke, “is a failure to communicate”.

So let’s again try to avoid hypocrisy. Such is our communications problem that -- let’s admit it: in reality, we already are out of communion with the African churches. That has been so since at least 1998, when a number of the African bishops embarrassed themselves and their Church by their conduct at the Lambeth Conference. According to Bishop Richard Holloway, that conduct included purported “exorcisms” of identified homosexuals! Of course, a number of other Bishops embarrassed themselves at least as much by not only failing to condemn these excesses, but also failing to support their victims. Such people continue to be an embarrassment. Here in Canada , for example, we recently heard Bishop Terry Buckle of the Yukon, in a keynote address to the conference of the Diocese of Edmonton, claim and advocate ---untroubled by or (more likely) utterly unaware of the great mass of evidence to the contrary --- that homosexuals can be “cured”.

What , we must ask, will be lost if we become “officially” out of Communion with some or all of the African churches ? Well, true, we won’t be able to say there are 86 million (or however many) Anglicans. The number will be cut at least in half. Searching scripture (and tactfully ignoring the “church-building” enthusiasms of the evangelical wing of our Tradition!) , I cannot see that the number of “bums in the pews” has ever been considered a spiritual desideratum. In any case, that way of thinking is spiritually dangerous. Other than the halving of our numbers, I can see no long-term problem, as long as we retain sufficient humility to be really open to dialogue. Let’s not forget how recently we have come to these understandings: I, and many of my readers, antedate the feminist movement, let alone “gay rights”. English law did not remove civil disabilities from non-Anglicans till well into the 19th century, and was still treating women as chattels until just before beginning of the 20th. Well, I’m not that old. The point being that truth in these matters is far from self-evident. These ideas, aided by the social solvent of capitalism, took Western society half a millenium to accept –and that only recently and imperfectly . It is unreasonable to expect that they could possibly be welcomed in very different, mainly traditional societies, in a few scant decades. Still, there comes a point when, to protect the integrity of a group, intolerant people ( as opposed to people with whom we disagree, however strongly) should no longer be tolerated, and must be ignored unless and until they see the error of their ways. The Anglican church has reached that point.

The alternative sought to be imposed by the most recent “deadline” announced by a group of reactionary Bishops – a moratorium of some sort whereby homosexuals seeking ordination or preferment would again be strongly tempted, and perhaps, as in the past, encouraged, to cover up their sexual orientation. –would plunge us back into an intolerably dishonest situation. In that case, my ears are anticipatorily ringing with the epithet that our Saviour, for all his meekness, didn’t hesitate to apply to whoever deserved it, however righteous they might otherwise be: “You hypocrites!”

-Bradley J. Willis,
c/o #132 Heritage Court, 150 Chippewa Rd.
Sherwood Park, AB, T8A-6A2
ph.780-417-9222; fax 780-449-1222
email: jwillis@strathconalawgroup.com

Slogans!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!


And the unanimous number one slogan:


1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

*Thanks, Daryn

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender." ******************************* MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. ******************************* FEMALE PROCEDURE: Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!! 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake. SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

*Thanks, Ken

Stressed? Try some of these...

Worst Dialogue So Far From Movies Of 2007...

"She walked in smelling like mashed potatoes, and every guy wanted to be the gravy." --Luther Pinks (LL Cool J), Slow Burn

The less than 6 hour tax package

If you are in a hurry, just use the new quick file option:

The Writings On The "Stall"

If you're like me, you just can't spend enough time reading in public restrooms. And there's always some guy standing in front of the next chapter on the wall by the urinal. And he seldom wants to be a dear and jot down the phone number. I kid. Comic relief.

But it is nice the computer age brings funny restroom graffiti direct to our screens, the modern bathroom monitors. Of course, we must do without the ambient flushes and floating cigarette butts.

This site is clogged with hundreds of actual messages noted in the Mens and Ladies, Guys and Dolls, Buoys and Gulls. We're told "They serve as (informal) forums for politics, pop culture, humor, and so forth." Please note: Explicit content and they're out of paper towels.

My personal favourite:

University of Colorado
Engineering Building
Boulder, Colorado USA 80023
Men's restroom, ground floor

E=MC2
(And underneath it)
Very nice Albert, next time show your work
Written on the side of a stall, Albert Einstein's famous equation.

The Writings on the Stall! Language warning! May not be safe for work.
Entries posted on this site don't necessarily reflect the beliefs of its The Wizard.