ALZHEIMER'S EYE TEST

Count every "F" in the following text:


FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...


(SEE BELOW)


HOW MANY ?






..................... 3?







WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !


Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.




The reasoning is:

The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what?



Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy!
And keep them occupied for several minutes.

*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

Dad gum thing works!

Did you smart computer guys know this?

Computer email Info :


 I just found this out and thought I'd pass this on. It's very useful when trying to read small print (especially in the early hours). If you hold down the 'Ctrl' key on your key board and then turn the small wheel in the middle of your mouse away from you or towards you, the print size will change - it will either get larger or smaller - depending on which way you turn the wheel ...

Try it.

Garfield's Doctrine...

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me!

That's my story

and I'm sticking to it!

The Donkey

Click above to learn a valuable lesson

Requires flash

Fairy Tale Ending

Click below for this short but funny clip. (wmv - ~592KB)

"WHY GOD MADE MOMS"

Answers given by 2nd grade school kids to the following questions !!!

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?
1.We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats alot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head

*Thanks, Andy

Why bicycle shorts are always black!!

... Hmm... I see nothing different between the two.. which photo does The Wizard like better???? Which do you like better? Vote by adding a comment!

Cop's worst nightmare -- crime scene photo

 

Interesting Facts

Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

Lesson Learned? - The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.

*Thanks, Andy

Weird Illusion!

If you watch the above images from your seat in front of the computer, Mr. Angry is on the left, and Mrs. Calm is on the right. Get up from your seat, and move back about eight feet!! They switch places!!

I believe this illusion was created by Phillippe G. Schyns and Aude Oliva of the University of Glasgow .

I do not know how they generated this fascinating image, and I believe no-one else is able to generate anything similar in Photoshop. I know it has something to do with "low-pass" and "high-pass" filters, but the details??

Sounds Correct To Me!

If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.


Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.


Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this !)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word " benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

The Creation of Alfred

...bound to get criticism...

Quote of the day...

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." --Lynn Lavner

Test Your Reflexes!

Click above - Requires flash

Here's.... SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends .

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once uponatime... A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

True Story? I duuno! - Stun Gun

ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary submitted this.



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The affects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!


I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her Microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries. Right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for theheck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making Meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.


SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???



My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

Tommy

THE RUNNER

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early"

"I can't jump out the window ~ it's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining."

*Thanks, Andy!

ATTORNEY'S ADVICE-----NO CHARGE

UPDATE: The contact numbers have been updated to include Canadian contacts. -- Thanks, Bill!

A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company.

1. The next time you order checks have only your initials (instead of first name) and last name put on them. If someone takes your checkbook, they will not know if you sign your checks with just your initials or your first name, but your bank will know how you sign your checks.



2. Do not sign the back of your credit cards. Instead, put "PHOTO ID REQUIRED."



3. When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, DO NOT put the complete account number on the "For" line. Instead, just put the last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest of the number, and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check-processing channels will not have access to it.



4. Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone. If you have a PO Box, use that instead of your home address. If you do not have a PO Box, use your work address. Never have your SS# printed on your checks, (DUH!). You can add it if it is necessary. However, if you have it printed, anyone can get it.



5. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. Do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. Also carry a photocopy of your passport when traveling either here or abroad. We have all heard horror stories about fraud that is committed on us in stealing a name, address, Social Security number, credit cards.



6. When you check out of a hotel that uses cards for keys (and they all seem to do that now), do not turn the "keys" in. Take them with you and destroy them. Those little cards have on them all of the information you gave the hotel, including address and credit card numbers and expiration dates. Someone with a card reader, or employee of the hotel, can access all that information with no problem whatsoever. Unfortunately, as an attorney, I have first hand knowledge because my wallet was stolen last month. Within a week, the thieves ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer and received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online. Here is some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know:



1. We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. The key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them.



2. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where your credit cards, etc., were stolen. This proves to credit providers you were diligent, and this is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one). However, here is what is perhaps most important of all (I never even thought to do this.)



3. Call the three national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and Social Security number. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen, and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit. By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done. There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases,none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them dead in their tracks. Now, here are the numbers you always need to contact about your wallet and contents being stolen:



1.) Equifax: 1-800-525-6285/ Canada: 1-800-465-7166

2.) Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742/ Canada: 1-800-663-9980 (E) or 1-877-713-3393 (F)

3.) TransUnion: 1-800-680-7289/ Canada: 1-866-525-0262(E) or 1-877-713-3393 (F)

4.) Social Security Administration (fraud line): 1-800-269-0271

SIN Canada: 1-800-206-7218 (E) or 1-800-808-6352 (F) and select option “3”.


We pass along jokes on the Internet; we pass along just about everything. Nevertheless, if you are willing to pass this information along, it could really help someone about who you care.

*Thanks, Kerri

OUTLIVE Homophobia

OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for OUT Saskatoon's Website

Quote of the day...

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?

--Ernest Gaines

Twisted minds?

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist/comedian who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates!" His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals. Here are some of his gems:

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking
27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34- I went to the sporting-goods store for a camouflage suit, but I couldn't find one.

....and the all time favorite-

35- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

*Thanks, Andy!

The world as a village of hundred people

In the world today, more than 6 billion people live. If this world were shrunk to the size of a village of 100 people, what would it look like?

59 would be Asian14 would be American (North, Central and South)14 would be African12 would be European1 would be from the South Pacific

50 would be women, 50 would be men30 would be children, 70 would be adults.70 would be nonwhite, 30 would be white90 would be heterosexual, 10 would be homosexual

33 would be Christians, 21 would be Muslims, 15 would be Hindus, 6 would be Buddhists, 5 would be Animists, 6 would believe in other religions, 14 would be without any religion or atheist.

15 would speak Chinese, Mandarin, 7 English, 6 Hindi, 6 Spanish, 5 Russian, 4 Arabic, 3 Bengali, 3 Portuguese. The other would speak Indonesian, Japanese,German, French, or some other language.

In such a village with so many sorts of folks, it would be very important to learn to understand people different from yourself and to accept others as they are. Of the 100 people in this village:
20 are underonurished, 1 is dying of starvation, while 15 are overweight. Of the wealth in this village, 6 people own 59% (all of them from the United States), 74 people own 39%, and 20 people share the remaining 2%. Of the energy of this village, 20 people consume 80%, and 80 people share the remaining 20%. 20 have no clean, safe water to drink. 56 have access to sanitation, 15 adults are illiterate, 1 has an university degree, 7 have computers.

In one year, 1 person in the village will die, but in the same year, 2 babies will be born, so that at the year's end the number of villagers will be 101.

If you do not live in fear of death by bombardment, armed attack, landmines, or of rape or kidnapping by armed groups, then you are more fortunate than 20, who do.

If you can speak and act according to your faith and your conscience without harassment, imprisonment, torture or death, then you are more fortunate than 48, who can not.

If you have money in the bank, money in your wallet and spare change somewhere around the house, then you are among the richest 8.

If you can read this message, that means you are probably lucky!

(The statistics were derived from Donella Meadows "State of the Village Report" first published in 1990)

Back at the rodeo

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.  They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

"This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen that had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and it is hoped that he will eventually make a full recovery... 

That's No Bull!

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, partner."

"Oh yeah, what happened?"

"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!"

"So, how'd you get away?"

"Well the bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."

"Man, that's scary. If it'd been me, I would probably have shit all over the place."

"I DID! What do you think the bull was slipping on?"

*Thanks, Daryn

X-Rated Coke ad

 

TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT

Helium was up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
Kite sales hit an all-time high.
Fish sales were floundering.
Yo-yos were going up and down.
Yachts were all wet.

Playground equipment went on a slide.
Ice machines were frozen solid.
Paper shredders were tearing up the market.
Fencing was having a field day.
Windows were breaking all records.

Javelin sales had missed the mark.
Hunting equipment is being scoped out.
Gravel futures are bumping along.
Airplanes have gone sky high.
Parachutes seem to be drifting.

Frog legs took a jump.
Medical supplies increased microscopically.
Jazz sales are swinging right along.
Cannonballs are simply exploding.
Diamonds are starting to sparkle.

Rubberband sales are tight.
Suspenders are just holding their own.
Mouse sales have been squeaking by.
Books have just about recovered.
Running shorts are now on track.

Seat belt sales have been constricted.
Building supplies are going up.
Glue seem to be stuck.
Candy futures are looking sweet.
Valium sales are depressed.

Steering wheels have turned the corner.
Kitchenware is really cooking.
Spatulas are experiencing a big turnover.
Hydraulic jacks are slowly going up.
Bed sheets are selling short.

Boxer short futures won't be brief.
Clock sales are ticking along nicely.
Railroads are now on track.
Golf carts are about par right now.
Sandpaper is having a rough time.

Nails are taking a real hammering.
Bolts are slipping but nuts are making a big turnaround.
Soap has been slipping badly.
Shampoo is down a hair.
Springs are bouncing back.

Cracker sales are crumbling.
Energy issues are shocking.
Dryers are spinning out of control.
Washing machines are just going through a cycle.
Exercise equipment companies are sweating.

Food profits are being eaten away.
Medical supplies do not look healthy.
Bricks are looking good on Wall Street.
Ladders are beginning to lean a little.

Cardboard boxes are packing it in.
Electric fan sales are breezing by.
Tractors are ploughing right along.

Appropriate?

Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

OUTLIVE Homophobia

OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA.

Stewie's Package

The Only 7 Star Hotel In The World

Click above to have a look inside!

IQ Test?

Click above. I know it's a Monday morning test, but what the hey..do it on Tuesday.

The Wizard scored 11/11. Was there any doubt? After all, I am 'OZ' The All-Powerful!
*Thanks, Andy

1974 vs. 2004

1974:Long hair
2004:Longing for hair

1974: KEG
2004: EKG

1974:Acid rock
2004:Acid reflux

1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm

1974:Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004:Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1974: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage

1974:Hoping for a BMW
2004:Hoping for a BM

1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kevorkian

1974:Going to a new, hip joint
2004:Receiving a new hip joint

1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones

1974: Being called into the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office

1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system

1974:Disco
2004:Costco

1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test

1974:Whatever
2004:Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1986!

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?

Pass this post on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

*Thanks, Andy

Three Little Pigs

Three  Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came And took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little Piggy,"but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

You're gonna LOVE me for this....

 

The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

OUTLIVE Homophobia

OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for OUT Saskatoon's Website

Survival Quiz

Click above

Record your scores in the 'Comments' section!

Disorder in the Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

        

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

         

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

       

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

This is Number one

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law!

Monday Humour

Anna had lost her husband almost 4 yrs ago. 

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. 

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet." 

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and after dating for a couple of weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Wisconsin. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties, he was in his birthday suit. 

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" 

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." 

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. 

The following night was the same she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom. 

She looked at him & asked: "What's with the black condom?" 

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

OUTLIVE Homophobia

OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for The OUT Saskatoon Website

Stress Test

Please forgive me for disturbing your work day, but I believe this very quick test will help you determine what your next steps should be for your health.

God speed.


When you click on the link at the bottom, it will open a webpage which has two identical dolphins on it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water.

The closely monitored study revealed that although the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences between them. It means that a person who finds many differences between the dolphins is experiencing a great amount of stress.

Click below and please examine the photograph carefully, and if you find more than one or two differences, you may want to take a vacation.

Click on the below image.

Seven Reasons Why Gay People Are Better Than Straight People ;-)

You know you think it all the time. Now we justify it for you. Wizard's Note: We do not think all gay people are better than all straight people. We, in fact, do not think all gay people are anything. (Or all straight people, for that matter.) These are just some general observations. So please, lighten up. 

1) When we have kids it’s because we really want them. Goodness knows we all hear about those silly “breeders” who practice unsafe sex and then get a “surprise” one day. Gay people don’t have it so easy. When we want to have children there’s always a third party (be it a test-tube, a surrogate, an adoption agency, etc.), adding to the already great challenge of deciding to become a mother or a father. We’re not saying it makes us better parents, but… OK, that’s what we’re saying. 

2) We have better style. If we didn’t, would there have been a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? We think not. And given that most celebrated male fashion designers bat for our team, we rest our case. 

3) We set the trends. How else can you explain us wearing $500 designer jeans years before they were popular? And where would metrosexuality be if we hadn’t been getting ourselves plucked and waxed for eons? These may not be good things, but still, we were there first. 

4) We take better care of ourselves. You know you walked into your 10-year high school reunion with more hair, fewer wrinkles, less fat, and better fashion than any other guy in your class. Be proud. 

5) When it comes to partying, we do it up right. Every straight gal pal of yours (and some of your hetero guy friends too) tells you they have more fun at a gay club than they do at a straight club. And naturally most of the hottest party planners are queer. It’s because we’re more fun. No really, we are. 

6) We are devoted. Be good to us, we’ll be good to you. No matter the generation, we stick with our divas (see Judy, Barbra, Bette, Madonna). And, hey, we’re brand loyal too! 

7) Watch out for our wit. Growing up as outsiders (to one degree or another) forces us to be verbally fast on our feet. So be nice, or a cutting remark will slice you down to size.

Swimmers

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.

This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end.

She did laps in freestyle, breast-stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing heavy.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No, she said, "I was a hooker in Saskatoon and I worked both sides of the river."

*Thanks, Andy

ROFLMAO!!!!

This is hilarious. Try to guess first.



Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through!

At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of the earth:

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting a blowjob from an 85-year-old woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing...........What are they both thinking?




















ANSWER:

They are both thinking......Don't look down Don't look down. ...Don't
.......look down...........

Chinese Proverbs

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Third graders

Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.


The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.


"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.


Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.


"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.


"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"


Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

*Thanks, Andy

The Birth Order Of Children

Your Clothes:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.


Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month


The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?


Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your first born.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.


Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.


Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.


Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.


Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.


At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.


Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!


GRANDCHILDREN--- God's reward for allowing your children to live.

*Thanks, Andy

Jokes

Q. Why can't the bride of Frankenstein have children?
A. Because Frankenstein has a "Hollow-weenie”!

Q. Why is a fire truck red?

A. Well, there are 8 wheels and 4 men, and 8+4=12. There are 12 inches on a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. Elizabeth was also a ship. The ship sailed in the ocean, and in the ocean there are fish. On the fish there are fins. The Fins fought the Russian, and the Russians wore red.

A.2. Why is a fire truck always red: Because it’s always rushing!

<b>When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.</b>

<b>Confucius said...Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.</b>

<b>Confucius say...

Man who fart in church sit in own pew. </b>

<b>Confucius says, Man who fart Vaseline bubbles not suitor for woman!</b>

This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more. He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" 

Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"
Once again, he growled, "What do I look? Mr. Plumber?" 

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?"
And again she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. 

When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?"
She smiled. "What do I look like, BETTY CROCKER?"

At Frederick's of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find. "This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." 

"Sheerer than that." 

"This is the sheerest we have. It's $500." 

"I'll take it!" he replies. The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference." 

So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. 

He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."

'Dog sh*t' ham

A Wakefield man lost his appetite when he found "dog sh*t" listed among the ingredients on a packet of ham.

Mick Woods, 34, examined another of the 300g containers and saw the same 'additive' listed on the label.

And he admitted: "Obviously I haven't eaten it. It sort of puts you off."

His partner Tracey, 28, bought the 99p packs of cooked, sliced ham from a store near their home.

The dad-of-three added: "We spent 40 minutes laughing. But we haven't put any in the kids' sandwiches and we had something else for our tea."

Manufacturer H R Hargreaves &amp; Son said it axed an employee over the labeling prank and was trying to recall the ham.

A spokesman for the Manchester firm said: "We can't have people fooling about with food products. A number of packs are affected. We're trying to find out what shops they're in."

Boy tumble-dried by his brother

A seven-year-old boy survived after being tumble-dried by his brother. Gary Purvis jumped inside the machine as he played hide and seek. However, his three-year-old brother Robson found him and shut the door - setting off the automatic start. Gary's parents rushed to the drier after they heard Robson shout. Gary, from Gateshead, Tyne and Wear said: "The dryer looked like a good place to hide. The next thing I knew it started spinning. "I was shouting for help and banging my hand against the glass. It was really scary." He suffered from slight burns reports The Sun.

Fido Dido - The Mind Reader

Click here.

Gay Couple in Heaven

There were these two friends, one who was gay, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them. St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. 

After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time."St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven.Now it was the second man's turn.St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her.

The man replied, "Actually I'm gay, but here's a picture of my lover, and I never cheated on him."

St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven.

After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your lover on a skateboard."

OUTlive Homophobia

OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for The OUT Saskatoon Website

Happy Birthday, Mom.

I will always think of you.

Damn Women Drivers . . . .

This morning on the Deerfoot, (highway going through Calgary)

I looked over to my

left and there was a

WOMAN !!

in a brand new

Cadillac

doing 65 mph

with her

face up next to her

rear view mirror

putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

for a couple seconds

and when I looked back she was

halfway over in my lane,

still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;

I dropped

my electric shaver,

which knocked

the donut

out of my other hand.

In all

the confusion of trying

to straighten out the car

using my knees against

the steering wheel,

it knocked

my cell phone

away from my ear

which fell

into the coffee

between my legs,

splashed,

and burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

ruined the damn phone,

soaked my pants,

and disconnected an

important call.

Damn women drivers!!!

*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

Union Eh!

Buz Hargrove, the C.A.W. bigwig was attending a convention in Windsor, Ontario and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, Buz stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

Buz asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 72-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 53 years seniority and she's next."

Toxic Spill in Lake Michigan - Positive side effects!

(Chicago)— A freighter containing 62,000 metric tons of popular impotence drug Viagra struck a reef and sank in Lake Michigan today. As a result, the once-frigid lake no longer dangles into Illinois and Indiana, but now spans majestically across northern Wisconsin.

According to eyewitnesses, roughly 30 to 60 minutes after the ship's contents dissolved, the lake slowly but firmly began to push northwest toward Minnesota. Eventually, its swollen banks managed to poke aside Lake Superior, which cartographers said will lose its standing as the largest of the Great Lakes for the next four to six hours.

Area residents were surprised by the sudden shift, but conceded Michigan was "like an entirely new lake."

"For so many years that lake just, you know, sat there," said Martha Strop of Eau Claire, Wisc. "To be honest, I never even thought about it anymore. There wasn't much of a point. But now, well, this has changed our lives forever."

Government officials, however, were more cautious.

In Wisconsin, Gov. Scott McCallum declared a state of emergency, while in Minnesota, Gov. Jesse Ventura declared: "Is Lake Michigan a threat, or is it just glad to see me?"

What's In A Name?

The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt," but now you can handle this situation with confidence!

Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N.Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it...

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.

Bush - Comedy

*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

Thought Provoking.....

Cindy Sheehan asked President Bush, "Why did my son have to die in Iraq?"

Another mother asked President Kennedy, "Why did my son have to die in Viet Nam?"

Another mother asked President Truman, "Why did my son have to die in Korea?"

Another mother asked President F.D. Roosevelt, "Why did my son have to die at Iwo Jima?"

Another mother asked President W. Wilson, "Why did my son have to die on the battlefield of France?"

Yet another mother asked President Lincoln, "Why did my son have to die at Gettysburg?"

And yet another mother asked President G. Washington, "Why did my son have to die near Valley Forge?"

Then, long, long ago, a mother asked, "Heavenly Father, why did my Son have to die on a cross outside of Jerusalem?"

The answers to all these are similar -- "that others may have life and dwell in peace, happiness and freedom."

This was emailed to me with no author and I thought the magnitude and the simplicity were awesome.

*Thanks, SalTCBug

Another Blonde Joke...

A blonde called her old boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started." Her old boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her old boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.

She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax.

Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............",



he sighed,



"Let's just put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

*Thanks, Daryn!

Weekly Grocery List for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist*

Summer, 1962

WEEK ONE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey

WEEK TWO
Beans
Ham
Coffee
Whiskey

WEEK THREE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey
K-Y

WEEK FOUR
Beans
Pancetta
Coffee (espresso grind)
Whiskey
2 tubes K-Y

WEEK FIVE
Fresh Fava beans
Jasmine rice
Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
Medallions of veal
Porcini mushrooms
1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
5-6 bottles good Chardonnay
1 large bottle Astro-glide

WEEK SIX
Yukon Gold potatoes
Heavy whipping cream
Asparagus (very thin)
Eggs
Lemons
Gruyere cheese (well aged)
Walnuts
Arugula
Butter
Olive oil
Balsamic vinegar
6 yards white silk organdy
6 yards pale ivory taffeta
Case of Chardonnay
Large tin Crisco

*Characters from the movie "Brokeback Mountain"

Balance

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"

God continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said,
"What's that one?"

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled,

"There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."

*Thanks, Daryn

More Signs of the Times...

Duck Hunting

Native Indian went hunting one day in Alberta and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a racist game warden who didn't like Native Indians.

The game warden ordered the Indian to show his hunting license, and the Indian pulled out a valid Alberta hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from Alberta. This is a Saskatchewan duck. You got a Saskatchewan huntin' license, boy?"

The Indian reached into his wallet and produced a Saskatchewan hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Saskatchewan duck.This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?"

The Indian reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba! hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from British Columbia You got a British Columbia huntin' license?"

Again the Indian reached into his wallet and brought out a British Columbia hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Indian.... "Just where the hell are you from?"...

The Indian turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!

*Thanks, Daryn!

Actual Ads

These are actual newspaper ads:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bitch. Bites

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs Neutered. Speaks German.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out awhile. Better be a reward for this nasty little thing.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

(AND THE BEST ONE)

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

*Thanks, Daryn!

"The Eye of God"

This photo is a very rare one, taken by NASA. This kind of event occurs once in 3000 years. This photo has done miracles in many lives.

Make a wish ... you have looked at the eye of God.

Surely you will see the changes in your life within a day.

This is a picture NASA took with the hubble telescope. It is a nebulla.
Called "The Eye of God".

Too awesome not to post. It is worth sharing.


*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

New Study Results Released...

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 5% said they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

*Thanks, SalTCBug

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. 

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

The Way It Was...

Memory was something you lost with age An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity  A keyboard was a piano A web was a spider's home A virus was the flu A CD was a bank account  A hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived  And if you had a 3 inch floppy you just hoped nobody ever found out...