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Sunday, March 31, 2019

Cool!

Laughs from Employee Performance Evaluations

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Time gets better with age

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Art by Timouth

Art by Timouth

Click above to see more.

Also, check out Timouth's blog here.

Mike - The Headless Chicken

The Amazing, true story of this famous fowl dates back to September 10, 1945 when Mike, a young Wyandotte rooster, was about to become the dinner of Fruita, Colorado, farmer Lloyd Olsen.

With a sharp ax in hand, Mr. Olsen firmly held Mike, preparing to make the bird ready for his wife Clara's cooking pot. Mr. Olsen swung the implement, thereby lopping off poor Mike's head. Mike shook off the event, then continued trying to peck for food.

Mike's will to live remains an inspiration. It is a great comfort to know you can live a normal life, even after you have lost your mind.


Click here for more about Mike

Not grossed out yet? Then click above

The Many Faces of Mona

It has been said that there has been no other face as recognizable in this world as Mona Lisa's. Here are some other little known facts:

Birthday: 1503-1506
Birthplace: Florence, Italy
Current home: The Louvre, Paris, France
Stats: 20 7/8" x 30", oil on poplar wood.
Marital Status: Married to Francesco del Giocondo since 1495
Working On: Being most celebrated painting in the world
I stay home to watch: Singers, musicians, jesters and The Sopranos
Favorite singer: Nat King Cole
Favorite dish: Savino Sorbet
Prized possessions: *Sfumato, *Chiaroscuro, my new room
Personal hero: Leonardo Da Vinci
Nobody knows: Why I’m smiling
If I could do it over: I’d have a contract with royalties
I’d give anything to meet: Madonna
My fantasy is: To model for Versace
The one thing I can’t stand: Paparazzi
If I could change one thing about myself: I’d be larger
My most irrational act: Being stolen in 1911
Most humbling experience: *L.H.O.O.Q.
The words that best describe me: Lisa Gherardini, Mona Lisa, La Gioconda

Below are some of the faces that are never seen, during the times when the museum is closed. Take an exclusive peek, as these were caught on film during the wee hours of the morning at The Louvre:

Mona Lisa Smile Mona Lisa Smile Mona Lisa Smile Mona Lisa Smile Mona Lisa Smile Mona Lisa Smile


*Sfumato is the famous invention of Da Vinci - light and shade that allow one form to blend in with another leaving something to the imagination. He did this to the corners of Mona Lisa' mouth and eyes which explains why she may look different and different times.

*Chiaroscuro the distribution of light and shade in a picture

*L.H.O.O.Q. in 1919 Dada painter Marcel Duchamp put a mustache and goatee on a reproduction of the Mona Lisa. The letters read phonetically in French: Elle a chaud au cul (she has a hot arse.)


***Facts from: Mona Lisa Mania

Saturday, March 30, 2019

TODAY! TONIGHT! #Connect2Earth


This Earth Hour, March 30, 2019 at 8:30 p.m. local time, switch off your lights and #Connect2Earth to draw attention to wildlife loss in Canada and around the world.

In Canada, populations of more than one-half of monitored species have already declined by 83 per cent on average since 1970. Globally, we’re on track to lose 67 per cent of wildlife populations by 2020.

The causes? Habitat loss, pollution, unsustainable harvest, invasive species and climate change, which risks causing one in six species to go extinct.

This year, when you turn out the lights, show that you want to reverse the decline of wildlife and visit Connect2Earth.org to share what wildlife and nature means to you.

To help reverse wildlife decline, WWF-Canada works toward:

  • Meaningful marine and coastal protections
  • Healthy freshwater ecosystems
  • Responsible development solutions that conserve wildlife
  • Low-impact sustainable fisheries
  • Renewable energy expansion without conflict with wildlife
  • Doubling wild tiger population by 2022
  • Engaging Canadians to protect nature

Do you know what happens....

Bath

When you immerse the human body
in Water??
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Phone
The Telephone Rings

Famous Caricatures

Click here

Click above

Blue Bird of Happiness....

Blue Bird Of Happiness

*Thanks, Dwight

True or False?

True or False

It isn't not untrue that the truth value of the statement "It isn't not untrue that it isn't not false that 2 plus 2 isn't not unequal to 5" doesn't not avoid failing to be false. Is this True or False?

Check down from here for the answer.

I'm makin' WAFFLES!!!

waffles from Pillsbury Cinamon Rolls
Easy as Pop 'n fresh!

Answer to True or False?

True or False

It isn't not untrue that the truth value of the statement "It isn't not untrue that it isn't not false that 2 plus 2 isn't not unequal to 5" doesn't not avoid failing to be false. Is this True or False?

True. There were 17 negatives on that statement.

Friday, March 29, 2019

Hi, My name is Chris

This is A TRUE STORY


Hi, my name is Chris

My name is Chris,
I am three,
My eyes are swollen..
I cannot see.

I must be stupid,
I must be bad,
What else could have made,
My daddy so mad?

I wish I were better,
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy,
Would still want to hug me.

I can't do a wrong,
I can't speak at all,
Or else I'm locked up,
All day long.

When I'm awake,
I'm all alone,
The house is dark,
My folks aren't home.

When my mummy does come home,
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll just get,
One whipping tonight.

I just heard a car,
My daddy is back,
From Charlie's bar

I hear him curse,
My name is called,
I press myself,
Against the wall.

I try to hide,
From his evil eyes,
I'm so afraid now,
I'm starting to cry.

He finds me weeping,
Calls me ugly words,
He says its my fault,
He suffers at work.

He slaps and hits me,
And yells at me more,
I finally get free,
And run to the door.

He's already locked it,
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me,
Against the hard wall.

I fall to the floor,
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues,
With more bad words spoken.

'I'm sorry!', I scream,
But it's now much to late,
His face has been twisted,
Into a unimaginable shape.

The hurt and the pain,
Again and again,
O please let it end!

And he finally stops,
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless,
Sprawled on the floor.

My name is Chris,
I am three,
Tonight my daddy,
Murdered me.

And you can help,
Sickens me to the soul,
If you read this,
And don't pass it on

I'll pray for your forgiveness,
You would have to be,
One heartless person,
Not to be affected,
By this Poem.

And because you ARE affected,
Do something about it!
So all I ask you to do,
Is pass this on!

The Highs and Lows of the Tide - Beautiful!

High Tide / Low Tide!

For 8 years, Michael Marten has been taking photos from different spots of the British coast line, documenting the daily rhythms of the tides. This gave way to a special landscape project. Marten took photos of the same locations 8 and 16 hours apart, and showed the contrast between those images, a work displaying the dynamic nature of the tides and how landscape can be drastically different on a daily basis.

To see the change, click on any of these photos of low tide to see what they look like during high tide!

Click below to visit the site. Happy Clicking!



Logic In Mathematics...

A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his three sons.


horsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorse

When his sons opened up the Will it read:


My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;
My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;
My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.

As it’s impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other.
So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them.

The farmer friend read the Will patiently, after giving due thought, he brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17. That increased the total to 18 horses.

Now, he divided the horses according to their fathers Will.

Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.

Now add up how many horses they have:
Eldest son……..9
Middle son…….6
Youngest son…2
TOTAL IS…….17.

Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm.

Problem Solved!


horsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorsehorse


Moral:

The attitude of negotiation and problem solving is to find the 18th horse i.e. the common ground. Once a person is able to find the 18th horse the issue is resolved. It is difficult at times. However, to reach a solution, the first step is to believe that there is a solution. If we think that there is no solution, we won’t be able to reach any!