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Thursday, January 31, 2019

Your Chance of a Greater Good

It was an early morning. Mr. Khanna was getting ready for his office when His wife asked him to put just a few clothes out for a laundry today. He asked his wife, “Why?” She told him, “Because our maid is planning to visit her Grand Daughter today, she will have to leave early to catch the bus and she will not be coming for two days”. Mr. Khanna asked her, “Where is she going for two days?” She told him, “Tomorrow is the Birthday of her Grand Daughter, so she is going to spend time with her and celebrate.” Mr. Khanna told her, “Ok, no problem”.

But then his wife asked him, “Oh one more thing! Should I give her Rs. 500 as a bonus?” Mr. Khanna said, “Why now? We will give her during the Christmas”. His Wife said, “Well, She is hardly able to manage her expenses and she is visiting her Grand Daughter, so not sure how she will be able to manage as these days inflation is high. I feel she can use a little bonus”.

Mr. Khanna said, “Oh dear, I feel you are getting too sensitive and worrying too much”. His wife said, “Don’t Worry, I will cancel our plan to go out and have a pizza, that way we can give her extra Rs. 500 as a bonus”. Mr. Khanna said with a smile, “You are ready to take the pizza out of my mouth… Well, do as you feel if you willing to let go of 6 sliced pizza, it’s fine”.

So, after a couple of days, when the maid had returned, she was cleaning the floor. Mr. Khanna was sitting on his chair. He asked her, “Did you enjoy a good time with your Grand Daughter?” The Maid replied, “Yes Sir, I enjoyed a lot, I spent whole Rs. 500 in 2 days!” Mr. Khanna said, “Oh really! How did you spend Rs. 500 so quickly?”

The Maid replied with a happy smile, “For Rs. 150, I bought a Dress for my Grand Daughter, bought sweets for Rs. 50, Paid Rs. 100 for Bus Tickets, bought bangles for Rs. 50 for my daughter, for my son in law I bought a belt for Rs. 50 and last Rs. 100, I gave to my Grand Daughter to purchase pencil and papers for her school”.

Mr. Khanna was surprised. He started thinking about the 6 slices of pizza. Each slice started hitting in his mind. He started comparing the cost of the pizza with his maid’s expense. He was lost in thoughts that how she bought something for everyone in her family and spent a quality time with them for her Grand Daughter’s birthday. And all these just for the cost of the pizza. He realized something that day.

Moral: We have a right to do what makes us happy and spend our hard earned money as we like for our happiness. No one has right to envy at how you spend money earned by your hard work. But, if you feel you had wasted your hard earned money for something to gain nothing even if it was occasionally, you have a chance to do something of a greater good for someone by following above story. You may not be obligated to do so, but your little goodwill can light up someone’s life in many ways.

The Wooden Bowl

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and a four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together nightly at the dinner table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating rather difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass often milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about grandfather," said the son. I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor. So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner at the dinner table. Since grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. Sometimes when the family glanced in grandfather's direction, he had a tear in his eye as he ate alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and mama to eat your food from when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work. The words so struck the parents that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.

For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled. Children are remarkably perceptive. Their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb. If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives. The wise parent realizes that every day that building blocks are being laid for the child's future.

GOD

***warning if you don't think there is a God you can ignore this post now, you have been advised nicely***


I like this story because people complain about their lives and blame God for it when in fact we are responsible for the actions we take.


The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.

Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.

The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried. Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

It is easy to get discouraged when things are going badly. But we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering. Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground--it just may be a smoke signal that summons The Grace of God.


The Wizard's comments: He got what he wanted he didn't want to be on that island he wanted to be rescued but he was getting comfortable in the wrong place and lost sight of being rescued P.S God doesn't burn down houses or do bad things ! People screw up and blame God for it

I hope he was thankful that he was the only survivor of a shipwreck and he was finally rescued from a bad situation and that his prayers were answered with something better than "just something good" even though when this was all happening he didn't understand it because he was focusing only on what he could see in the present whereas God sees the big picture

Gautama Siddhartha

We are told that Gautama Siddhartha, the Buddha said these things:

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumoured by many.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books.
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.
Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.
But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

(from the Kalama Sutta)

LIFE IS A THEATER

Invite Your Audience Carefully

Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives.
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a DISTANCE.
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of, or at least
minimize your time with, draining, negative, incompatible,
not-going-anywhere relationships/friendships.

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention.
Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?
When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know or appreciate you?
The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of Your Life.

"If you cannot change the people around you, CHANGE the people you are around."
Remember that the people we hang with will have an impact on both our lives and our income. And so we must be careful to choose the people we hang out with, as well as the information with which we feed our minds.
We should not share our dreams with negative people, Nor feed our dreams with negative thoughts.
It's your choice and your life..... It's up to you who and what you let in it......

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Five Birds and Good Intentions

by Michael Josephson, in COMMENTARIES, THE NATURE OF CHARACTER


Five birds are sitting on a telephone wire. Two decide to fly south. How many are left? Most people would say three. Actually, all five are left. You see, deciding to fly isn’t the same as doing it.

If a bird really wants to go somewhere, it’s got to point itself in the right direction, jump off the wire, flap its wings, and keep flapping until it gets there.

So it is with most things. Good intentions aren’t enough. It’s not what we want, say, or think that makes things happen; it’s what we do.

I frequently think of writing thank-you, birthday, and congratulatory notes. Unfortunately, only a sad few of these good sentiments ever make it to paper. Still, if I don’t look too closely, I can delude myself into thinking that based on my good thoughts I’m a gracious and grateful person. A truer and less admirable picture of my character is drawn by my actions.

In the end, we either do or don’t do. We either make the time to do the things we want to and should do or we make excuses. As Alfred Adler said, “Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement.”

What do you want to do? Do you want to take a course, change your job, lose weight, make new friends, or spend more time with and appreciate more the ones you have?

What’s stopping you from jumping off the wire and flapping your wings?

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Rethink Your Drink

Rethink your drink
click on the image to make it bigger, sugar!

Top 10 Vampires in Movies and TV (REDUX)

WRONG SIDE OF THE BED

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers on their way to classes.

As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years.

She greeted them with "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you the wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you."

But again after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary.

"Good morning, Sister Mary, I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, good morning, Mother Superior. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant but three times already today people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker and looked Mother Superior in the face.

"Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."


Mother Superior

Darth Vader Life-Size Figure by Sideshow Collectibles

Life size Darth Vader

Product Summary

"He's more machine now than man, twisted and evil."

Give yourself to the Dark Side of the Force with the Star Wars Darth Vader Life-Size figure from Sideshow Collectibles.

One of the greatest villains in film history, the imposing Dark Lord of the Sith needs no introduction - except perhaps the Imperial March. Captured in 1:1 scale, and towering over 7 feet tall, the ruler of the Galactic Empire strikes a commanding pose on a cinematic light-up display base, and interchangeable hands allow collectors to recreate all of Darth Vader's most memorable dramatic gestures. From his iconic helmet to his sweeping black cape, every detail of Vader's menacing costume has been painstakingly recreated as seen in Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, with a hand-tailored quilted suit, screen-accurate armor and sequencing electronics in the chest box and belt. Ready to oversee the completion of your Death Star, man cave, or home theater, this spectacular display piece is 'most impressive.'


Life size Darth Vader

Just $7999.99* or pay in 10 installments

The force would have to be REALLY strong with this for me to buy one!

Click here to order yours today.

*Price current as of posting date.

***NSFW*** Congrats Dudes, You Can Actually F**k Your iPad Now!

This is TOTALLY NSFW!

So I made a web page for it instead of posting it directly. 

Cute bunny
This bunny has absolutely nothing to do with this post!

Did I say, NSFW?? Yup!. 

Click here to see why.... 
(mature folks only PLEASE!)

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Restaurant Etiquette: Have people ever tampered with a meal and then served it to a rude customer?

Saw this on Quora and had to repost it!

by Ariel Williams

A customer complained at us that he never gets extra pickles when he asks for them. He went on and on about his pickle woes while in front of the menu board in our drive-through. His rant went on for what seemed like forever. This held up other customers and our order taker. He insisted that we put a lot of pickles on his burger. Not extra not double but a lot.

In the kitchen we can hear everything said on the drive-through via our own speaker (this is true in most fast food places). So me and the other cook that night Eric looked at each other and the perfectly made Carl's Jr. Famous star with mayo, lettuce, tomato, onion, extra pickle pickle, meat, special sauce and mayo. Traditionally and according to the exact rules, a famous star gets two-three pickle slices and extra is five. I like pickles myself and when someone asks for extra I normally put like six+. But this guy was just rude and really abusive. I reached into the pickle container and grabbed a handful of pickles and Eric lifted the meat and bun.

I then promptly added about 3 times more pickles than meat to the customer's burger. We wrapped it and told Drive-through to bag the order. We said, "One pickle-burger with a side of meat is up".


Carl's Jr with extra extra pickles
(Mock-up image I made for illustrative purposes. Source image Carl's Jr.)
That customer never complained again. Nor did he ask for a lot of extra pickles...
He got what he asked for and the customer is always right...

EDIT: To clarify..

I worked there for 3 years almost every day of the week and I can guarantee you our standards were high. We always give extra pickles or other stuff when asked and even moreso Carls Jr. doesn't charge for extra like some burger places do. We do this free of charge!

He actually came back the next day and wasn't upset at all, he even apologized for being so mean to the drive through rep. He understood the message we were giving him. And that was WE ARE committed to giving you what you want even if we have to give you a handful of free pickles to do that.

From that point on he just ordered a side of pickles on his orders so then he would get a bunch of pickles more than normal and could add as many of those as he likes.

So things are not quite as cut and dry as some critics tried to make them seem. We taught a rude customer a lesson and really we didn't mess up his food in any way we did what he wanted he insisted on a lot of pickles not extra not double not triple but "I want you to put a whole lot of pickles on there!" He asked and he received.

That is the closest to tampering with an order I ever came to. I would never mess up someones order just because they were mean.


I'll give you another story from the same restraunt(sic)...

We had a guy that refused to accept his order because the drive through girl was black! I am serious. Blew my mind that this could happen in this day and age.

So our shift manager (white) said to the guy politely and smiling through gritted teeth, "okay sir." He then went back into the kitchen had me and the other cooks step back and watch as he proceeded to make a new burger without saying a word. I watched him, he did nothing to it. It was an absolutely perfect burger in every way. Right out of the book.

He then came back to the window and told the guy. "I am the manager. Here is a new burger I made myself and not a single black hand has touched it per your instructions. Oh and by the way I am gay." He then gave the man whom had already paid his option of the burger made by a white gay man or the original burger not even made by the black woman but bagged by her.

Instead he drove off. A valuable lesson was learned and taught that day. Our manager taught us it is never okay to tamper with someones food and we always try to give people what they ask for even if it is unreasonable, that is customer service. If there is an error beyond that and we did our best to accommodate the customer wishes then at least we know we did our best and are not at fault.

FYI I am going to add this one to my answer cause it is such a good story and totally in the same vein. That manager was the coolest guy on Earth in my eyes forever that day. He turned racism into a lesson and moreso he made it into a unique lesson. No none would be tampering in any way with food even for despicable scum like the racist in the drive through that day. He got a standing and clapping ovation from all of the staff that day.

Shortest Story Ever Written

It is as follows:

"For Sale. Baby Shoes. Never Worn."


For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn

by Ernest Hemmigway

This anecdote appeared in the 1996 play "Papa" about Ernest Hemingway, written by John deGroot, and its authenticity has remained unverified. According to the tale, Hemingway was having lunch at the Algonquin, a famous group of New York City writers and intellectuals, when he claimed he could write a story in just six words. The others didn't think it was possible and agreed to cough up ten dollars each if he lived up to his claims. Hemingway then scribbled six words on a napkin - "For Sale. Baby Shoes. Never Worn." and purportedly won the bet.

Hemingway won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1954.

TELUS surprises a customer in a big way

Van Gogh

Van Gogh

Back Stage Requests for KISS

KISS

KISS hospitality room

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

After Florida coach Steve Spurrior passes away and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Steve a little 2-bedroom house with a faded UF banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your home, Coach. Most people don't get their own house up here," God exclaims.

Little Steve looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on the top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all of the windows. LSU flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge purple and gold LSU banner hanging between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the home, God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little 2 bedroom house with a faded Florida banner, and Nick Saban gets a mansion with new LSU banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"

God looks at him seriously for a moment and then replies, "That's not Saban’s house, that's mine!!!!!"

HYUK!

A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied.

Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by watching. Here is how she described the scene to her parents: “There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”
HYUK!


Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs ... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."

And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out ... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
HYUK!


There were three Native women. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. * The Wizard apologizes for useing the word "squaw"
HYUK!


So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

HYUK!

The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area. Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears. To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read-- small bears droppings are small with nut and berries in it. Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it.
HYUK!

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!
HYUK!


There was this old eccentric man who constantly chased children off his property, never said hello to anyone he met and because of his negative character, was described as "A man of means!”

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,

Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!

I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,

So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night,

two, dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back, they faced each other,

drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise,

and saved the lives of the two dead boys.

If you don't believe my lies are true,

ask the blind man, he saw it too!

HYUK!


When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.


"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
HYUK!

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."


Once General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Not only that, but....

Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
HYUK!

A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."

The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.

The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."

The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"

The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.

The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."

The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"

The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.

The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"

The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.


clapping

Monday, January 28, 2019

The Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.

That's interesting.

I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars!

There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No.

I think I'll just wait for the police...."


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them

NEW UNIVERSITY PROMOS

BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!

COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!

HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!!!

PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!

PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!

CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL — The Big Red Tape!!!

DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what’s your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!

M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn’t involve math? That’s right, math! Math math math math and more math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE!!!

BOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven’t figured out how to invent the wheel (but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don’t know your ass from your elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination enough to produce 24 variants of ‘da weed’ with a garden weasel and a piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO BC!!!

SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot because yours isn't selling well? Are athletics the only thing that matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Is your idea of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie canal? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!!

Maukie The Black Cat

If you tease her with the mouse pointer on her chest or stomach she will purr, and to get her to meeow, rub her forehead with the pointer.

If you make a slow circle around her body, (counterclockwise) not only will her head/eyes follow your pointer, but toward the top, her paw will go up, and when in front of her paws at the bottom, her foot comes out like she wants to play with your mouse pointer.

(Don't hold the mouse down, just move it)


Click here.

My First Time....

I was scared at first. It was very wide,

and very long, and it angled straight up.

I decided I had to try it once.

I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.

It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it.

I went up and down, and up and down on it.....


I was really loving it!







Now I ride on



escalators all the time.

God Said "No."

I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own!
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

THIS DAY IS YOURS DON'T THROW IT AWAY

May God Bless You,

"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world"

Brothers

Peter and Alfred Nussbaum were tailors and partners in the firm Nussbaum Brothers; and after many years they decided to Anglicize their names and henceforth the firm should be known as the Nuss Brothers.

After completing the legal paperwork, they informed the receptionist, Ethel, that from Monday on, she should answer the phone as "Nuss Brothers."

"I quit," said Ethel.

"But why?", asked Peter, "the pay and benefits will be the same!"

"Yeah? Well YOU answer the phone then. I don't want to answer and find that the caller says he wants to speak with Mr. Nuss. Then I have to say "Yes Sir; which one? P-Nuss or A-Nuss?"

Sunday, January 27, 2019

Things for Thought

For those of you who just thought you knew everything, here's a refresher course...


The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. (Must remember to sleep more often)

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice. Suprised??? Ever seen this one:



Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

A duck's quack does not echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a commode to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."


And the best for last.....



Turtles can breathe through their rear ends (I know some people like that; don't YOU?)


Now you know everything there is to know. Of importance, that is !!!

Cheers !

Duo Artemiev - Tango in the Sky

Volkswagen - Eyes on the road

A MountainWings Moment

Mountain Wings.com

GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY!
=========================================
Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it:

Your words, your dreams, and your thoughts have power
to create conditions in your life.

What you speak about, you can bring about. If you keep
saying you can't stand your job, you might lose your job.

If you keep saying you can't stand your body,
your body can become sick.

If you keep saying you can't stand your car,
your car could be stolen or just stop operating.

If you keep saying you're always broke, guess what?
You'll always be broke.

If you keep saying you can't trust a man or trust a
woman, you will always find someone in your life to
hurt and betray you.

If you keep saying you can't find a job,
you will remain unemployed.

If you keep saying you can't find someone to love you
or believe in you, your very thoughts will attract
more experiences to confirm your beliefs.

Turn your thoughts and conversations around to be
more positive and power packed with faith, hope, love
and action.

Don't be afraid to believe that you can have what you
want and deserve.

Watch your "Thoughts," they become words.
Watch your "Words," they become actions.
Watch your "Actions," they become habits.
Watch your "Habits," they become character.
Watch your "Character," for it becomes your "Destiny."

GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY!

~Author Unknown~

Change a life, give a friend MountainWings.
Choose one every day.

Lancelot Link - Secret Chimp - Lance Of Arabia and The Doctor Goes A P E



I so remember this growing up

Bring Jack In The Box to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada!

The Wizard is trying to get Jack In The Box to Saskatoon. Please visit the page by clicking on the picture above. It's a facebook page.

C'MOM JACK! GIT YER ASS UP TO SASKATOON, eh?

Saturday, January 26, 2019

Canadian, eh?

Do You Speak Canadian

Husband Tried To Help His Wife. He Failed Spectacularly. LOLOL.

Having a spouse should be like having a partner in life. They’re there for you, through sickness and in health. Theoretically, they should make life a little easier for you when you face hardships because they can help you through it…

However, these husbands did the opposite. When their wives needed help, they did their best to assist them. In the end, though, they failed so hard at what they were trying to do it would have been better if they just let their spouses do all of the work. Oops.


“So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.”


Husband fails. Click here to go to Viralnova.com

Amazing that one shoe can change a picture

one shoe changes the picture!

Average Male Penis Size

eating a sausage


The Penis is a marvelous organ, possibly the single most important instrument in all of the universe. It is the Penis, after all, that makes us who we are, and yet there is much that you probably don’t know about your penis.

1. Size – Many studies have attempted to determine the average penis size. All fall within the approximate range of 5 to 6.4 inches (which is a pretty large range really), but the average of all these averages put the average penis at just over 5 inches, erect. But most guys are actually less than this average because the average is skewed by bastards like Ron Jeremy, John Holmes, and Screech from Saved By the Bell. The truth is, even though size does matter in that a wider girth gives a woman more sensation, it is not the most important aspect of sex: only 6% of women rated their man’s Johnson as less than average! As it turns out, for all the talk about size, women are focused on other stuff. Like cunnilingus, we imagine.

2. The Bone that isn’t a bone can actually break – While an erect penis is inaccurately termed a “boner”, it can in fact “break” despite having not a single bone. And it is not pretty, painless, or funny, in any way. It is so horrible, in fact, that we dare not show any photos because the risk of causing widespread panic and trauma is so great. It happens most often during intercourse in any sort of “woman on top” position. Which is not to say you shouldn’t engage in these positions, only that you should be careful while doing so. And if you happen to hear a loud pop or snap, sudden pain, and your penis becomes unusually large and purple, go the ER immediately. You need surgery, and you don’t want to mess around. If you enjoy having stiffies anyways.

3. Smoking can shorten it – As if you didn’t have enough reasons to quit smoking, now you now that smoking will actually make your erection shorter! No freakin’ joke here man: smoking reduces blood flow through out your body. And what is an erection? Blood pumping like crazy through your wang. Smoking reduces blood flow there too and so shortens your hard-on by up to half an inch. Not to mention that if you’re dead you wont get any erections at all. So do yourself a favor and toss the smokes.

4. Stretching can lengthen it – Seriously! Forget the “herbal” solutions and the surgery that cuts the tendons. You actually can lengthen your penis slowly over time by stretching it. Certain tribes in Africa have been doing this for centuries, as have certain biker gangs in the US. One reported favorite strategy of bikers that was offered in a long-ago issue of Playboy Magazine involved tying a roll of quarters to the end of your schlong and letting it hang down one of your pant legs. Over time, this reportedly can lengthen your little guy by as much as 3 inches! But I can only imagine this strategy poses some dangers and requires caution. You don’t want to yank the whole thing off, after all.

5. Men have an average of 11 erections per day – and 9 at night – Sounds about right, doesn’t it?

6. Orgasm without ejaculation - Yes. It is not only possible, but amazingly powerful. Let me repeat this one so as to be crystal clear: it is possible to cum, to have an orgasm, to shoot your load etc, without actually shooting your load. Why would you want to do that? Because, to reiterate: it is insanely powerful. To achieve this feat, do as follows: wrap your hand around your organ so that your thumb is on top at the base of the shaft and your fingers are underneath your scrotum. When you’re hard you will be able to feel that your erection actually extends for several inches within your body. Now, when you are about to cum, press that spot hard and it basically closes off the canal through which your cum comes. The semen is reabsorbed in to your body and you are very, very happy. Just don’t try this while driving.

"Unsung Hero"

Joseph begins

Friday, January 25, 2019

Happy Robbie Burns Day!

Kids are weird

TheCHIVE.com

click above to see 24 more at TheCHIVE
click above to see 23 more at TheCHIVE

The Wizard Is A Reader of Personalities

Just let me prove it to ya!





In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of Fruits on it.

They are:

a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, You will be astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!

Click here for my analysis

This girl takes her Instagram selfies to the next level

 Click here. More at TheCHIVE
Click above. More at TheCHIVE

How to wear men's shirts...

How to wear men's shirts

Enough Is Enough

WhatWillMatter.com


enough is enough
What does it take to make you happy? How much do you have to have to be grateful?

To the barefoot man, happiness is a pair of old shoes. To the man with old shoes, it’s a pair of new shoes. To the man with new shoes, it’s more stylish shoes. And, of course, the fellow with no feet would be happy to be barefoot.

This leads to the ancient insight: If you want to be happy, count your blessings, not your burdens. Measure your life by what you have, not by what you don’t.

Yet in our modern world where we’re continually exposed to endless increments of more and better – others with more money, better TVs, and bigger houses — this is very difficult.

For some people, the pleasure of having something good is drained as soon as they see someone else with something better. Our sense of contentment is created or destroyed by comparisons.

A life consumed with unfulfilled wants is an affliction. The antidote is the concept of “enough.”

This starts by thinking more clearly about the difference between our needs and our wants, between sufficiency and abundance.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with wanting more and striving to fill our lives with things and experiences that give us pleasure, so long as we don’t believe we need whatever we want.

When we think we need what we really only want, we make our desires preconditions to happiness, thereby diminishing our ability to appreciate and enjoy what we do have.

It’s easy to think that happiness is achieved by getting what we want when it’s really a matter of wanting what we get.

In the end, enough is enough.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

174 ways to call a penis something other than “penis”!

National Coalition For Men


Penis Protector
NCFM San Diego members wrote a play. It’s a take-off on the Vagina Monologues and was on International Men Day. In the process the aspiring playwrights decided to compile a list of synonyms for the word penis to use while writing. It appears that the word “Penis” may have more synonyms than any other word in the English language. If they missed any, please leave the missing penises in the comment section below. Admittedly, some are a bit obscure but a penis by any name us still a “deep-V-diver”. Here ya’go:


Adolph
Albino Cave Dweller
baby-arm
baby-maker
baloney pony
beaver basher
beef whistle
bell on a pole
bishop
Bob Dole
boomstick
braciole
bratwurst
burrito
candle
choad
chopper
chub
chubby
cock
cranny axe
cum gun
custard launcher
dagger
deep-V diver
dick
dickie
ding dong mcdork
dink
dipstick
disco stick
dog head
dong
donger
dork
dragon
drum stick
dude piston
Easy Rider
eggroll
Excalibur

--more, many more--