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Friday, August 31, 2018

15 Real Canadian Slang Terms And What They Actually Mean

Keener

/ˈkēnər/
Definition: An enthusiastic brown-noser.

Example: “Eric pulled an all-nighter studying for that history test on the War of 1812. He’s such a keener.”

click here to goto BuzzFeed.com to see the other 14!

Seriously. Is there anything creepier than this????

Creepy monkey with cymbals

SaskatcheWHAT?

That's one hungry rat!

The Awful Truth - REVEALED!

Lament to end of summer

The Wizard's feet!
End of Summer
by Krishnaa ©
Why would I lament the summer’s end,
the promise of cooler days, a reprieve from heat?
As the  clouds begin to descend,
my heart trills; my ecstasy is complete.

The promise of cooler days, a reprieve from heat,
a chance to savour the fresh drops of rain-
My heart trills; my ecstasy is complete.
Strangely though, my pleasure seems profane.

A chance to savour the fresh drops of rain-
I cherish this time as summer beats a retreat!
Strangely though, my pleasure seems profane
as the once gay sky is with gray clouds replete.

I cherish this time as summer beats a retreat.
Yet, my mind ruminates on the summer’s flavor.
As the once gay sky is with gray clouds replete,
my fondness for rainy days seems to waver.
Yet, my mind ruminates on the summer's flavor
as the tangy colours give way to a softer tone.
My fondness for rainy days seems to waver.
I am held in awe by an emotion unknown.

As the tangy colours give way to a softer tone,
nostalgia’s recurrent sway seizes my heart.
I am held in awe by an emotion unknown.
The incessant rain rips my moods apart.

Nostalgia’s recurrent sway seizes my heart-
Why doesn’t my poor mind learn to let go?
(The incessant rain rips my moods apart.)
There is much elegance in going with the flow.

Why doesn’t my poor mind learn to let go?
There is beauty in each season, each age.
There is much elegance in going with the flow.
It’s the moment in time to turn a new page.

There is beauty in each season, each age.
As the  clouds begin to descend,
it’s the moment in time to turn a new page.
Why would I lament the summer’s end?
*© All Poetry.com

Thursday, August 30, 2018

The Wiz's Quiz - Casey Kasem's Countdown

Casey Kasem (and Scooby-Doo)
Casey Kasem (and Scooby-Doo)
Remember the weekly American Top 40 hosted by cheesy but fun DJ Casey Kasem? Each question is worded as if Casey himself were introducing a song on the Top 40. Find clues to the correct song and artist in my pretend Casey Kasem banter. I hope you enjoy!

1. Dateline June, 1984: "Coming in at Number 10 this week, this divine diva just keeps on pushing this song up the charts and has now scored her first ever top 10 hit from her self-titled debut album. After burning up everybody on a holiday, she's now living on the edge with the song..."

a. "Toy Soldiers" by Martika
b. "So Emotional" by Whitney Houston
c. "Edge of Seventeen" by Stevie Nicks
d. "Borderline" by Madonna

2. Dateline May, 1986: "We're back! This lucky little 'Penny' had a crush on JJ, and a big brother MJ, but now she's all grown up, and in control with her first single from her breakthrough third album. In this song, coming in at Number 4 this week, the first order of business is to ask her man..."

a. "Where Do Broken Hearts Go?" by Whitney Houston
b. "What's Love Got to Do With It?" by Tina Turner
c. "Why Do Fools Fall in Love?" by Diana Ross
d. "What Have You Done for Me Lately?" by Janet Jackson

3. Dateline Summer, 1988: "Peaking on our Countdown at Number 3, this Aussie actress asks for all aboard to do a brand new dance with this remake of the 1962 Little Eva classic..."

a. "Dancin' in the Streets" by Martha and the Vandellas
b. "Morning Train (Nine to Five)" by Sheena Easton
c. "The Loco-Motion" by Kylie Minogue
d. "Physical" by Olivia Newton-John

4. Dateline, Spring 1988: "We're almost to the top. Next up, they set the charts on fire with their previous album, but now fans are hysterical to hear these British cats' latest album. The fourth single from their current album is finding sweet success at #2 this week. Let's rock it to the top with..."

a. "Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard
b. "Sweet Emotion" by Aerosmith
c. "Sugar, Sugar" by the Archies
d. "Sweet Child of Mine" by Guns N' Roses

5. Dateline May-June, 1983: "Anyway they want it, this rock supergroup is finding new frontiers on their latest trip up the charts with this rock ballad about loving a music man. Peaking at #12 this week, they are forever yours..."

a. "True" by Spandau Ballet
b. "Truly, Madly, Deeply" by Savage Garden
c. "Always" by Atlantic Starr
d. "Faithfully" by Journey

6. Dateline March, 1985: "Members of Chic, Duran Duran and lead singer Robert Palmer are creating some real electricity with their new rock group. Peaking at #6 this week, the powerful first single from this group's self-titled debut album is heating up the charts in the style of Marilyn Monroe and Tony Curtis, with the song..."

a. "Simply Irresistible" by Robert Palmer
b. "Heat of the Moment" by Asia
c. "Some Like It Hot" by Power Station
d. "The Flame" by Cheap Trick

7. Dateline August, 1988: "Better watch out, baby who's that? Its Georgios-Kyriacos Panayiotou, the London-born hitmaker with the famous five o'clock shadow. He's now the King of the top 40 jungle who scores his 4th Number 1 single in a row from his first solo album. America is going bananas for this British pop icon who is pounding his chest at Number 1 again with the song..."

a. "Monkey" by George Michael
b. "Shock the Monkey" by Peter Gabriel
c. "Tarzan Boy" by Baltimora
d. "Jungle Love" by Morris Day & the Time

8. Dateline February, 1984: "Colour these British boys thrilled at their first Number 1 single in the U.S. After a string of top 10 hits off their first album, Kissing to Be Clever, their luck has improved with the first single from their second album. They join the club of Number 1 artists in pop culture with their colourful tune..."

a. "Red, Red Wine" by UB40
b. "Wild Boys" by Duran Duran
c. "A Little Respect" by Erasure
d. "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club

9. Dateline September, 1983: "What a feelin' for this studio guitarist who has scored big with the second single off this smash soundtrack album. Singing about a crazy steeltown girl on a Saturday night, this artist has danced up the charts like he's never danced before with the Number 1 song..."

a. "The Girl Gets Around" by Sammy Hagar
b. "Maniac" by Michael Sembello
c. "Dancin' in the Sheets" by Shalamar
d. "Lady, Lady, Lady" by Joe Esposito

10. Dateline February, 1984: "This British rock supergroup's current album seems to be in sync with American radio. In fact, its almost a crime the way this three-man band has dominated the top 10 recently. With literary references to Scylla, Charybdis and Mephistopheles, they've got the Number 8 spot firmly in hand with the song..."

a. "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zepplin
b. "Wrapped Around Your Finger" by the Police
c. "Devil Inside" by INXS
d. "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen

Answers

1. Correct Answer: d. "Borderline" by Madonna
The use of the phrase "living on the edge" hints at the song's title "Borderline." Also, "keeps on pushing" refers to the lyrics in "Borderline"--"You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline." "Divine diva" refers to the artist's name, Madonna. "Burning up everbody" refers to her first two releases from her self-titled album, "Burning Up" and "Everybody." Neither broke the top 100, though they are both timeless solid pop songs. "Borderline" was Madonna's first top 10 hit on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100, peaking at Number 10 in June of 1984. To me, it sounded out of place on Madonna's debut album, which contained more danceable pop tunes in major keys. "Edge of Seventeen" peaked at Number 11 for Stevie Nicks in 1981. "Toy Soldiers" (1989) and "So Emotional" (1988) were both Number 1 singles.

2. Correct Answer: d. "What Have You Done for Me Lately?" by Janet Jackson
There are a few clues pointing to "What Have You Done for Me Lately?", Janet Jackson's first single from her third and groundbreaking album Control. (Her first two albums were titled Janet Jackson and Dream Street respectively, and only had moderate success.) As far as clues, first, Janet played the character "Penny" on the American TV show "Good Times" as a child. Penny was an abused child who had a crush on another character named JJ (Mr. Dyno-Mite!). Second, in real life, Janet's big brother MJ is of course Michael Jackson. Third, she is "taking charge" (as she says in the lead-in to the song "Control") with the question, "What Have You Done for Me Lately?" Getting the hang of it? Read each word carefully. Some are clues; some are not. "Where Do Broken Hearts Go?" by Whitney Houston was a pensively doleful Number 1 hit in 1988. "Why Do Fools Fall in Love?" was a fun, happy Number 7 hit for Diana Ross in 1981. "What's Love Got to Do With It?" was a Number 1 comeback smash for Tina Turner in 1984.

3. Correct Answer: c. "The Loco-Motion" by Kylie Minogue
I know its silly talk, but that's how I remember Casey Kasem talking. Kylie Minogue is the "Aussie actress" (from the Aussie soap opera "Neighbours") who did a remake of Little Eva's "The Loco-Motion" which Kylie released in the US in the summer of 1988. Of course, the question mentions "all aboard" (like they say before you board a locomotive, i.e., train). "Brand new dance" is a phrase directly from the song. ("Everybody's doing a brand new dance now!") "Physical" by Olivia Newton-John was a Number 1 smash in 1981-1982, spending a record (at the time) ten weeks in the top spot. "Morning Train (Nine to Five)" by Sheena Easton reached Number 1 in 1981. "Dancin' in the Streets" by Martha and the Vandellas reached Number 2 in 1964. I, like many people, think Kylie is a goddess on earth. If you ever need to cheer yourself up, play her song "Love at First Sight" and turn it up LOUD! It's like a happy pill.

4. Correct Answer: a. "Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard
"Pour Some Sugar on Me" was Def Leppard's fourth single from their smash album Hysteria. Despite fair U.S. success with their first three singles, "Pour Some Sugar on Me" really made Hysteria album sales take off during the song's heavy rotation on the radio and MTV. This was quite a relief to their label, because Hysteria was thought to be the most expensive album ever produced at the time. As far as clues, "set the charts on fire" hints at their previous breakthrough album Pyromania. "Hysterical" is a reference to the fourth album title Hysteria, and "hear these cats" is a reference to "Deaf Leopard," which the band deliberately misspelled as "Def Leppard" in their name. "Sweet success" refers to the song title "Pour Some Sugar on Me". For those paying really close attention, "rock it to the top" vaguely refers to another song on the Hysteria album "Rocket." "Sugar, Sugar" by the Archies reached Number 1 in 1969. "Sweet Child of Mine" by Guns N' Roses reached Number 1 in 1988. "Sweet Emotion" by Aerosmith reached Number 36 in 1975.

5. Correct Answer: d. "Faithfully" by Journey
Lead singer Steve Perry's voice is perhaps the strongest male voice in rock music in the 80's. A lot of people like me miss hearing him sing. As far as clues, "trip" refers to the band's name, Journey. "New frontiers" refers to the album Frontiers from which the song "Faithfully" came. "Loving a music man" is a phrase from "Faithfully" as is "forever yours." "Anyway they want it" refers to one of their hits "Anyway You Want It." "Truly, Madly, Deeply" by Savage Garden reached Number 1 in 1998. "True" by Spandau Ballet reached Number 4 in 1983. "Always" by Atlantic Starr reached Number 1 in 1987.

6. Correct Answer: c. "Some Like It Hot" by Power Station
The correct answer is "Some Like it Hot" by the short-lived but spectacular group Power Station. As the question mentions, Power Station was formed by the Taylors of Duran Duran, the incomparable Robert Palmer and Tony Thompson of Chic. Their first and last album, also entitled "The Power Station" is a brilliant collection of big sound rock-pop. "Powerful", "stationed" and "electricity" hint at the band's name of The Power Station. "Heating up the charts" refers to the "hot" in "Some Like it Hot." Of course, Marilyn Monroe and Tony Curtis starred in the movie "Some Like it Hot." "Heat of the Moment" by Asia reached Number 4 in 1982. Its still one of my favorites. Check out Steve Acho's "unplugged" haunting version of it. "Simply Irresistible" by Robert Palmer reached Number 2 in 1983. "The Flame" by Cheap Trick reached Number 1 in 1988 in the US.

7. Correct Answer: a. "Monkey" by George Michael
This one is riddled with clues. "Better watch out, baby who's that" is a line from "Monkey", at least the radio single that was released in the U.S. "King" of the "jungle", "bananas", and "pounding his chest" are all simian (monkey) references, though apes are more apt to pound their chests. "King" is also an oblique reference to "King Kong" which may connote a monkey, though King Kong was a giant gorilla, which is an ape, not a monkey if we are going to get picky. I also give hints that he is a solo British male artist ("King" "British icon" "his" "London-born"), and that the song is from the album "Faith" ("first solo album", "4th number 1 single in a row"). I also refer to his birth name, Georgios-Kyriacos Panayiotou, and his famous five o'clock shadow he sported during a lot of the 1980's. The other answers don't fit all those clues. "Tarzan Boy" was not a Number 1 song in the U.S. (#13 in 1986), and is by an Italian group, not a British solo artist. Though released by a British solo artist, "Shock the Monkey" by Peter Gabriel reached only Number 29 in the U.S. in 1982, and came off his fourth solo album not his first. "Jungle Love" (#20 in 1984) was also not a Number 1 in the U.S. and was released by an American group, not a British solo artist.

8. Correct Answer: d. "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club
The direct hints refer to their nationality (British), chart position and hit history (first US Number 1, string of US top 10 hits from their first album), album history (first single from their second album, Colour By Numbers), and first album name (Kissing to Be Clever). The indirect hints include "Colour" (spelled in the British way) which refers to the album from which "Karma Chameleon" came, Colour by Numbers. "Boys" refers to Boy George and the gender of all the members of Culture Club. "Luck" obliquely refers to the "karma" in "Karma Chameleon." "Club" (of Number 1 artists) and "pop culture" refer to their name, Culture Club. "Colourful tune" refers to both the album title Colour by Numbers and the song's lyrics which refer to a color-changing animal (chameleon) and several colors ("lovin' would be easy if your colors were like my dreams, red, gold and green..."). None of the other songs in this multiple choice question reached Number 1 in the US on the Billboard Hot 100, except "Red, Red Wine" in 1988.

9. Correct Answer: b. "Maniac" by Michael Sembello
Direct hints refer to Michael Sembello as a studio guitarist, "Maniac" as a Number 1 song and the second single off the monster soundtrack Flashdance. Indirect hints included "what a feelin'" referring to a phrase that is part of the title to "Flashdance...What a Feelin'" and "crazy" as an oblique reference to the song title "Maniac." References to the lyrics include "steeltown girl on a Saturday night" and "like he's never danced before", though in the song the lyrics are about a female dancing "like she's never danced before..." "Lady, Lady, Lady" is also from the Flashdance soundtrack, but it was never released as a single and therefore could not reach Number 1. "The Girl Gets Around" and "Dancin' in the Sheets" are from the Footloose soundtrack, another hugely successful soundtrack from the fabulous 1980's.

10. Correct Answer: b. "Wrapped Around Your Finger" by the Police
Direct hints include references to a "British rock supergroup", "three-man band" and the lyrics which mention Scylla, Charybdis and Mephistopheles. Indirect hints include "in synch" referring to the Police's smash album Synchronicity, "a crime" referring to their name, the Police, and "firmly in hand" referring to the song's title. As for the wrong answers, both "Bohemian Rhapsody" (#9 in 1975) and "Stairway to Heaven" (1971) were from albums in the 1970's. According to a reputable source, "Stairway to Heaven" is actually the most requested and most played song on FM radio stations in the United States, despite never being released as a single here. Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" reached Number 9 in the U.S. when it was originally released in 1975 (pre-Wayne's World). "Devil Inside" by INXS reached Number 2 in 1988. It does not include such literary references and was recorded and released by an Australian band. There is much debate on the net as to what "Wrapped Around Your Finger" is about. Some say death, other say witchcraft and spells. I think its about the dynamics of any mentor relationship which include the day when the "servant becomes your master." Sting often writes songs that have much simpler meanings than people give them in my opinion. But many of his songs are timeless classics that never seem to leave the radio.

Just follow the Tracks

deer
3 men are stranded in the middle of the Canadian Forest and they don't know where they are at. They decide that they have to find some food. So the first man leaves and tells the other 2 that he is going to get some food.

Several hours later, he comes back with a deer over his shoulder. The other 2 are amazed and ask him how he got a deer with no weapons. He replies, " I find tracks, I follow tracks, I get deer". They both are slightly confused but let it go.

1 week later, they have eaten the deer, so they need to get more food. The second guy leaves and says that he is going to get food. He comes back a couple hours later with a elk over his shoulder. The other 2 ask how he got the elk. He simply replies, "I find tracks, I follow tracks, I get Elk".

5 days later, they have eaten the elk, so they need more food. The third guy, feeling very cocky, thinks to himself, " This is going to be a piece of cake. The other guys got the other animals so easy. I'm going to get an animal better than theirs put together!" So he leaves to get some food. They wait a couple hours... he doesn't come back. They wait another couple hours, he is still missing.

Finally, after 9 hours of waiting, they see him coming back. His clothes are torn rags, he is covered in dirt with scrapes and bruises all over his body. He is bleeding from different gashes in his arms and legs along with one on the side of head. They ask, " What happened!?". He looks at them, wide-eyed and confused, and replies, " I find tracks, I follow tracks, I get hit by train".

Amuza insultojn en Esperanto

South Park in Esperanto
1. Se rido estas la plej bona kuracilo, via vizaĝo devas esti kuraci la mondon!

2. Kio estas tio merdo sur via kolo? Ho, ĝi estas via vizaĝo!

3. Vivo ne estas facila, sed via panjo estas.

4. Vi devus esti estinta blowjob.

5. Mi pensas mi havas Alzheimer ĉar mi ne povas memori kiam mi petis vian opinion.

6. Vi lipoj subteni movanta, sed ĉiuj mi aŭdas estas "bla, bla, bla".

7. Kial estas akceptebla por vi esti idioto, sed ne akceptebla por mi indiki gxin?

8. Vi havas multe da bondezirantoj. Ili ĉiuj volas ĵeti vin malsupren unu.

9. Via dick estas kiel landmine; malgranda, kaŝita, kaj eksplodas sur kontakto.

10. Mi estas tre zorgema pri kiel mi esprimu mian opinion pri vi ĉar mi volas meti tiel vituperation en ili kiel eble.

BONUS: (not translated, muhahahah!) Li estas pli lerta pri sekso ol iu; nun ĉio li bezonas estas partnero.


Translations:

1. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world!

2. What's that shit on your neck? Oh, it's your face!

3. Life isn't easy, but your mom is.

4. You should have been a blowjob.

5. I think I have Alzheimer's because I can't remember when I asked for your opinion.

6. You lips keep moving, but all I hear is "blah, blah, blah."

7. Why is it acceptable for you to be an idiot, but not acceptable for me to point it out?

8. You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

9. Your dick is like a landmine; small, hidden, and explodes on contact.

10. I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.

Thoughts to Think About...

Super boner
Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?
Are eyebrows considered facial hair?
At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why are there no 'B' batteries?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his iPod?
If man evolved from monkeys, how come we still have monkeys?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
If you are bald, what hair color do they put on your driver's license?
If God sneezes, what should you say?
Is it still illegal to park next to a fire hydrant, even if your car is on fire?
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
If a baby's leg pops out at 11:59PM but his head doesn't come out until 12:01, which day was he born on?
Do Jewish vampires still avoid crosses?
If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?
In the song Yankee Doodle, is he calling the horse or the feather "macaroni"?
Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?
If vampires can't see their reflections, why is their hair always so neat?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?
Can you daydream at night?
Why do they call the little candy bars "fun sizes". Wouldn't it be more fun to eat a big one?
What is Satan's last name?
What is a picture of a thousand words worth?

Why does quicksand work slowly?
Can crop circles be square?
If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?
Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
When Atheists go to court, do they have to swear on the bible?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Can animals commit suicide?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Why do people think that swaying their arm back and forth would change the direction of a bowling ball?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
If glassblowers inhale do they get a pane in the stomach?
Is it rude for a deaf person to talk (sign) with their mouth full of food?
If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
How can something be "new" and "improved"? if it's new, what was it improving on?
Why do they sterilize lethal injections?
Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?
Is a pessimist's blood type B-negative?
Why is it that when we "skate on thin ice", we can "get in hot water"?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why are the little styrofoam pieces called peanuts?
If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?
Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it.?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Why are they called 'Jolly Ranchers'? Who said that the ranchers were jolly?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person?
If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?
If milk goes bad if not refrigerated, why does it not go bad inside the cow?
What's the difference between normal ketchup and fancy ketchup?

From Crazythoughts.com

HOLY HUMOUR

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'



There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.



"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."



A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."



There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we
have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."



While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached
to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."


A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven.."



A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned
him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."



People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.



Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day , the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."



Last, but not least, a great one:

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

So. You think YOU had a bad day, eh?

So. You think YOU had a bad day, eh?

So. You think YOU had a bad day, eh?

So. You think YOU had a bad day, eh?

So. You think YOU had a bad day, eh?

So. You think YOU had a bad day, eh?

So. You think YOU had a bad day, eh?

So. You think YOU had a bad day, eh?

So. You think YOU had a bad day, eh?

So. You think YOU had a bad day, eh?

So. You think YOU had a bad day, eh?
*Thanks Gary

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Courtesy Is Kindness in Action

by MICHAEL JOSEPHSON, in CARING, COMPASSION, COMMENTARIES, THE GOOD LIFE

As a society we have become almost obsessed with identifying and asserting our rights – to think, say, and do what we want. That’s not surprising, given the history of our country and the prominent role the Constitution and Bill of Rights have played in shaping our culture.

We have a right to be unkind, thoughtless, and disrespectful — but it isn’t right.

Ralph Waldo Emerson pointed out, “Life is short but there is always time for courtesy.”

The idea is to act in ways that make the people we are dealing with feel valued. Courtesy is kindness in action.

It starts with good manners — saying please, thank you, and excuse me. But real courtesy involves more thoughtful ways of showing respect. Courtesy is a form of kindness.

It matters how we address people and how we greet them, as well as how we eat, talk, and cough in their presence.

Courtesy involves remembering important occasions, buying thoughtful gifts, and sending personal thank-you notes.

Making people feel important is part of courtesy, so it’s important to remember that whether or not people remember what we say or do, they do remember how we made them feel.

Make eye contact, truly listen, and show genuine interest in the lives of others by asking them questions and remembering their answers. A good start is to keep in mind H. Jackson Brown’s insight: “Everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something.”

Always be kinder than necessary because you can never be too kind.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

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Things Everyone Pictures Incorrectly (Side by Side)

From Cracked.com

Thanks to Hollywood, we like to think we have a pretty good idea about what the past looked like. But it turns out, no of course we don't because Hollywood is as dumb as we are.

That's why we asked readers to shed some light on our most common misconceptions. The winner is below, but first the runners-up ...

20.
The Alamo

19.
Amish
 18.
Gothic Cathedrals
 17.
Kabuki/ Ninja
 16.
Math
 15.
Sald vs. Burger
 14.
George Washington's teeth

--more at Cracked.com

Burlesque Witticisms

No Sex

NO SEX

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose. 'The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.' Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad.

You haf Ed Zachary diease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.' Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'


An Old Nursery Something

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Boy singing

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.

Boy singing

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Jack forgot his condom and Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Boy singing

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Boy singing

Recovering Thinker

From OnlyFunnyStories.com

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "Bad" by Michael Jackson. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.

Have you joined Thinker's Anonymous yet?

Tim Blais - Acapella Science




Tim Blais is a master of the science/acapella entertainment. I enciurage you to subscribe to his youtube channel. This dude is G-O-O-D!! Thank you, Tim for your unique and masterful presence on the internet. (Hope you are all recovered from the theft. Was happy to donate to your cause.) Acapella on!

Subscribe here.

LIFESAVERS

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.


The children began:

"Red.......cherry,"

"Yellow....lemon,"

"Green.....lime,"

"Orange........orange."



Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored lifesaver. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.


"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue, It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."


One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Oh My God! Spit them out, they're assholes!!!"

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Kids say the Darndest Things....these are CUTE

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something! wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty!"



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Be Careful of the Ducks!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin ...


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

The Suicide Experiment

We didn't start filming this video hoping to capture people NOT willing to help us. We filmed it to show the better side of people. The positive side. The compassionate side. Neither of us were prepared for what unfolded and were both left speechless at the end of the day. So many different lessons can be taken away from this video. Hope you leave with at least one. Share this video with friends and family members who may need to hear this. You never know how much you're actually helping. :)

Thank you for watching! If you enjoyed, please Subscribe by clicking here.

Be Afraid... Be Very Afraid...


The Sesame Street Gang

Yup Yup Yup...