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Thursday, May 31, 2018

Meanwhile, in Canada, eh?


Some questions people the world over are asking! These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website:

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada?(Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . .. . oh forget it. Sure, the hipporacingis every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget it's name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

The Goatee

A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

HYUK!

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners


Inferiority Complex
An actress who suffered from an inferiority complex was complaining to her psychiatrist. "I'm a nothing!" she cried. "I can't sing. I can't remember my lines. I can't dance, I can't even act. I really don't belong in show business."

"Why don't you quit?" the doctor asked.

"I can't," moaned the actress. "I'm a Star!"

HYUK!

Thanks a lot
“Oh no, not leftovers again!” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last night's supper.

“Young lady,” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this? You should be ashamed of yourself. Now before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking the Lord for this delicious meal.”

“Thank you Lord for this delicious supper,” muttered my sister submissively, “….again!”

HYUK!

Battling Salons
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.

They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

HYUK!

Customer Needs
A customer at a counter of a garden ornament shop said to the cashier, “Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of those sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandmas in bloomers.”

The cashier replied “that’ll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten for the flamingos, six for the sunflowers, and an apology for my wife!”
HYUK!

Fate Bought Me Those Shoes
A woman had bought lots of shoes over time and she decided it was time to kick the habit. She really took it seriously, even changing her driving route to avoid her favorite shoe store. One evening, however, she arrived home carrying a shoe box. Her husband grinned at her, but it didn't faze her at all.

"These are very special shoes," she explained. "I accidentally drove by the shoe store and there in the window were the most perfect shoes I've ever seen! I felt this was no accident, so I thought I'd let fate decide. If I would get a parking spot directly in front of the shop, the shoes were meant for me. And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

HYUK!

Celebrity Restaraunt
A new celebrity restaurant chain is opening up nationwide. It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard.

They're going to call it: "Coffee with Kareem and Sugar"

HYUK!

Plug It In
Husband: Look dear, I just bought us one of those plug in air fresheners. But for some reason it's not working.

Wife: It's not plugged in.

Husband: You mean I have to plug it in for it to start freshening the air?

Wife: It's a plug in air freshener. How can it work if you don't plug it in?

Husband: It makes no scents!

HYUK!

When We Were First Married
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more?"

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."

HYUK!

Fastest Dad
Three kids argue, whose father is the fastest.

One says, "My father is the fastest, he can overtake an arrow he shot with a bow."

The second one says, "My father is even faster - he can shoot a gun and then run to catch the bullet before it hits anything."

The third kid says, "You actually don't understand what speed is. My father is even quicker! He finishes work at 4:30 pm, but he's back home by 3:45 pm almost every day."

HYUK!

What Is A Sweater?
A sweater is a garment worn by a child...

When his mother feels chilly.

HYUK!

Silent Letter
When I was in school, I used to ask a lot of questions. One day I asked Ms. Doris, our English teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters 'H' like in hour, honest, honor, etc?"

Ms. Doris replied, "We are not ignoring them. They are considered silent."

During the lunch break, Ms. Doris gave me her packed lunch & asked me to heat it in the cafeteria. I ate all the food and returned her an empty container.

Ms. Doris asked me, "What happened? I told you to go and HEAT my food & you are returning me an empty container?"

"I'm sorry, Ms. Doris, I thought the 'H' was silent."


HYUK!

Barber Shop Outing
Man walks into the barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, "How do you want your haircut?"

The man says, " I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top."

The barber looks puzzled and says, "I'm not sure I can do that."

The customer says, "Why not, you did it that way last time."

HYUK!

Mother's Point of View
A stage mother cornered the concert violinist in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of her talented son playing the violin.

The man agreed to listen, and the woman switched on the tape player. “What music!” the violinist thought. A difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. He listened spellbound to the entire recording.

“Madam,” he whispered, "is that your son?”

“No," she replied. “That’s Jascha Heifetz. But my son sounds just like him!”

HYUK!

Laundry Day
My wife found a twenty in my pants pocket after she washed and dried them.

I had to turn her in to the authorities....

For money laundering.

clapping

For My Son, Cody

To my son

Don't Quit

Don't Quit

Popcorn Shrimp

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Help and Resources for the Prairie Fag

 Click here to visit The Saskatchewan Resources For Sexual Diversity website

Click above to visit The Saskatchewan Resources For Sexual Diversity website.

The University of Saskatchewan

Sponsored by the University of Saskatchewan Library

From the page:

Research into sexual diversity encompasses the study of sexual and gender minorities presently identified by many labels, including lesbian (L), gay (G), bisexual (B), transgendered (T), transvestite (TV), and two-spirited (TS). The previously derogatory queer (Q) has been adopted by many with pride as a short form way of encompassing this diverse range of minorities. However, many are opposed to identifying themselves with an historic label of abuse and others question the possibility or desirability of finding a single term adequate to suggest the diversity of these groups.

This site is a reference guide to what is available and its physical location. The materials themselves are housed at participating Saskatchewan libraries and archives .

Browse through lists of materials or search this site for topics or people.

To learn more about the history of LGBT communities in Saskatchewan please see our History page. To find out more about present day LGBT communities in Saskatchewan see the LGBT Saskatchewan references in the links page.

My favourite quote from the page:
"If homosexuality is a disease, lets all call in queer to work;
-Hello. Can't work today. Still queer."
--ROBIN TYLER, American comedian.

Fridge magnet produced for Regina's Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Pride Week.2000. Designed by Duncan Campbell and Tania Wolk
Fridge magnet produced for Regina's Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Pride Week.2000.
Designed by Duncan Campbell and Tania Wolk

R.I.P. Neil Richards

3,5,7

3,5,7
3,5,7
3,5,7

Fido's Tale

Fido In D.C, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

Texting my patience...

Text meanings

STICKFIGURES

STICKFIGURES

A Clown’s Prayer

As I stumble through this life, help me create more laughter than tears,
dispense more happiness than gloom, spread more cheer than despair.
Never let me become so indifferent that I will fail to see the wonder in the
eyes of a child or the twinkle in the eyes of the aged.
Never let me forget that my total effort is to cheer people, make them happy
and forget at least momentarily all the unpleasantness in their lives,

and in my final moment, may I hear You whisper:

“When you made My people smile, you made Me smile.”



--Author Unknown

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

I bet....

Bananas in pajamas
You just said this out loud!

Finally! (NSFW!!!!)

The all Saskatoon nude police officer calendar for 2019 comes out early with an all-male and an all-female version. All pictures show full frontal nudity, for both female and male versions, (and some nice buns too!, hehe)

Just click on the menu to select which one you want to view. Order now!

They are available for sale on the site -- the calendars, not the officers. Click here to view all 12 (24) totally nude peace officers.

Please make complaints to The Wizard in the comments. Thanks!

Those Evil Gay People

Fire, plague, or pestilence, its the fault of the international gay conspiracy...
The Scourge of the World
Click above to read why...

I think...

I loved watching Snagglepuss at home during the lunch hour.
I never learned the hunter's name but I think he was a dentist.

The Love Doctor

The Love Doctor Dear Love Doctor,

I am 9 years old and I think this girl at school likes me. She is always making excuses to be near me. Everytime I look there she is. I don’t like girls. They can never be friends with boys. I have a lot of friends. She is trying to take them away. I will be hanging out with a friend, she shows up and my friend decides he has to leave. How do I get her to leave me alone?

Signed,

Girl in the way


Dear Girl,

I see your problem, and I can tell you that its not serious. The girl likes you. She wants to be with you. At your age, boys aren’t really into girls and it can seem like they are trying to sabotage your friendships. They are just competing with them for time with you. You could talk to her and let her know your feelings. She might just back off. Another alternative would be for you to ask her to allow some time with you alone, while still maintain your time with your friends. One day soon, you will find that you like girls (or boys!) and then the world will make sense. In the meantime try to see her as a possible friend rather than an evil person. Sometime girls are a boy’s best friend!


Hope this helps,

The Love Doctor


--Send your questions about love to "The Love Doctor" directly from 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow! I have added an email link that goes direct to The Love Doctor - this will enable quicker responses from him. You can do this by clicking on his picture in the sidebar and put your question in the email. This will ensure that The Love Doctor gets your question. The Love Doctor forwards his replies to me for posting consideration. Note: Due to the high volume of letters that The Love Doctor receives, not all letters will be posted on 'OZ' - but the Love Doctor will reply to every email. (so he says)

They're baaaak!

From Natural Resources Canada (Photo by The Wizard of 'OZ') Understanding patterns in forest tent caterpillar outbreaks

Forest tent caterpillar (Malacosoma disstria), an insect pest native to North America, has historically caused extensive defoliation of trembling aspen, oak, ash, maple and white birch. The area defoliated by forest tent caterpillar ranged from 14.3 million hectares in 2001 to 150,000 hectares in 2009. Widespread outbreaks have occurred in much of the boreal forest at intervals of 10 to 12 years and typically last 3 years or less at the stand level and up to 6 years at the landscape level, depending on natural control factors such as weather, host-parasitoid interactions and forest structure.

Trees are weakened by repeated defoliation, which makes them more susceptible to stresses such as drought or other pests. Two or more years of heavy defoliation can also result in a severe reduction in the radial growth of trees and may cause considerable branch and twig mortality. Forest tent caterpillar is one of the causes of aspen decline reported in Alberta and Ontario, and tree mortality has been shown to increase with the duration of sustained defoliation.
Forest Tent Caterpillars - Saskatoon SK, Canada
Forest Tent Caterpillars - Saskatoon SK, Canada Photo: The Wizard of 'OZ'

Population outbreaks of forest tent caterpillar have not been as widely studied as those of other cyclic insects, such as the spruce budworm and gypsy moth. However, forest tent caterpillar outbreaks represent a model system of forest insect disturbance ecology. In addition, from a timber supply perspective, the decline caused by forest tent caterpillar defoliation could have important implications for management planning. Furthermore, if climate change alters the pattern of future outbreaks, the overall health of the boreal forest in Canada could be affected, with potentially serious environmental and economic impacts.

For these reasons, researchers at Natural Resources Canada’s Canadian Forest Service have been working with collaborators to improve our understanding of the disturbance ecology of the forest tent caterpillar by examining historical records of outbreaks. This will help resource managers develop effective pest management strategies. The information will be further used in predicting the influence of climate change on outbreaks and the effects of insect outbreaks on carbon budget estimates.

Patterns of outbreaks

Records of forest insect defoliation in Ontario and Quebec have been maintained since the 1930s. The researchers used Natural Resources Canada defoliation maps from 1938 to 2002 to study the frequency, severity and return interval of forest tent caterpillar outbreaks at a broad scale, in order to better understand the processes driving these outbreaks.

The maps showed that six major outbreaks had occurred, with the infestations lasting 2 to 5 years and recurring every 7 to 11 years. The largest average intensity of defoliation occurred during the period 1951–54.

Degree of synchronization between outbreaks

The researchers also wanted to determine to what degree outbreaks were synchronized among the various regions, as well as the patterns and processes governing synchronization among populations.

The outbreaks recurred periodically and somewhat synchronously among regions of Ontario and Quebec. Three regions—northwestern Ontario, eastern Ontario/western Quebec and southeastern Quebec—showed the strongest large-scale, synchronized fluctuations. However, defoliation in the vast surrounding hinterlands tended to be infrequent and sporadic. In addition, there was one area in northeastern Ontario that stood out as having experienced persistent defoliation between 1992 and 1999.
Factors that influence outbreaks

Previous studies that analyzed data from Ontario found that outbreak cycles of forest tent caterpillar were sensitive to local climate, which can influence temporal processes governing population growth and host-parasitoid interactions.

The Canadian Forest Service researchers and their collaborators sought to determine whether topography or climatic factors had a greater influence on the synchronization of outbreaks. They hypothesized that the ability of insects to disperse in the landscape was more important, with the relatively flat topography of Ontario and Quebec allowing for greater dispersal than the mountainous regions of the west, where there has been less synchronization. Understanding this effect is important in management efforts, because it could help determine the survey range required around new infestations to accurately detect their extent.

Effects on overall health of aspen

Repeated defoliation by forest tent caterpillar may not allow trees to recover to a normal state of health, which can lead to decline. This appeared to be the case in northeastern Ontario, where an area that experienced eight consecutive years of defoliation starting in 1992 was subsequently mapped as in decline in the early 2000s.

The researchers wanted to know if this pattern of outbreak was consistent with the other populations in the insect’s range and if there was an increasing trend in outbreak severity over the entire northeastern region. They concluded that this particular population occupied a region of marginal habitat for forest tent caterpillar and that the population fluctuations followed those of the other populations only if weather and tree health at the time of the outbreak were conducive.

Monday, May 28, 2018

Just sayin'....

QEII and Grumpy Cat

Butter Tarts - MADE IN CANADA

Butter tarts are pretty similar to mini pecan pies, but are most often made without the addition of corn syrup. It is perfectly acceptable to make them just out of butter sugar and eggs and nothing else, but many people do like them with either pecans or raisins. A chocolate butter tart, or one with another kind of nut (like walnuts) are not uncommon either, but I have never seen a butter tart with fruit on it. The butter tart is often cited as one of the few truly Canadian foods, without evolving from an American, British or French food. According to the CBC, butter tarts were probably invented in Ontario sometime around 1915. There are, however, very similar dishes to the butter tart that predate this. In addition to the American pecan pie, there is also the French-Canadian sugar pie and Scottish Ecclefechan butter tarts.

Butter tarts are a Canadian tradition. Waaaay back in the 1970s, a national contest here in Canada concluded that these butter tarts, originating from Wilkie's Bakery in Orillia, Ontario, were the best. I certainly think so and it's the only recipe I use. Add a sprinkle of toasted walnuts when you add the raisins, if you wish, or use only walnuts if you don't like raisins.
Butter Tarts - A Canadian Tradition

* pie pastry (enough to fill 16 muffin cups, your own or from a mix)
* 1⁄2 cup raisins
* 1⁄4 cup soft butter
* 1⁄4 cup packed brown sugar
* 1 pinch salt
* 1⁄2 cup corn syrup
* 1 egg, lightly beaten
* 1⁄2 teaspoon vanilla

DIRECTIONS

1. Prepare muffin pans by rolling out pie dough and cutting 4-inch (approx) circles; fit dough circles into muffin cups; set aside in fridge until ready to fill.

2. In a small bowl, place raisins and cover with hot tap water; let stand on the counter for 30 minutes.

3. In a large bowl, using a wooden spoon, mix together the soft butter, brown sugar, salt and corn syrup; stir well until sugar is dissolved and butter is creamed.

4. Add egg and vanilla and mix well.

5. Drain raisins.

6. Retrieve tart shells and divide raisins equally into all shells; then divide butter mixture into all tarts.

7. Bake at 400F for 15-20 minutes; filling will be lightly browned but still bubbling.

8. Canadians fall into two camps about butter tarts and are quite loyal to their favourite type: runny or firm.

9. I like runny-- the type that dribbles when you bite into one; if you like firm, bake them for the full 20 minutes, even adding another minute or two if you wish.

10. Let cooked butter tarts cool in pans for 10 minutes after removing from oven; then remove and place on racks until completely cool.

Punny Pictures