"Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?"
"No sir, it's Google's Pizza."
"Did I dial the wrong number?
"No sir, Google bought the pizza store."
"Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please."
"Okay sir, do you want the usual?"
"The usual? You know what my usual is?"
"According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust."
"Okay, that’s what I want this time too."
"May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?"
"No, I hate vegetables."
"But your cholesterol is not good."
"How do you know?"
"Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years."
"You know what, I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and everyone else having all my information! I'm going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me!"
"I understand sir. But you may want to renew your passport... it expired 5 weeks ago."
The Right One
Sitting in the bar George asks his 40-year-old friend John, "How come you aren't married?"
John replies, "I haven't found the right woman yet."
"So what are you looking for?"
"Oh, she's got to be real pretty, a good cook, and house keeper. She's got to know how to handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality, and money. She's got to have money. And a nice big house wouldn't hurt either."
"A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!" says George.
"Oh, it's okay, if she is crazy."
What's for Dinner?
Last night I was relaxing on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen: "Oh sweetheart, what would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, darling. I think I'll have chicken."
She replied, "You're havin' a peanut butter sandwich. I was talkin' to the dog!"
Compact On the Sidewalk
Carol and Patty were walking down the street. Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the compact.
Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!"
A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times.
So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out. A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”
“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”