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Monday, December 10, 2018

Why, why, why?

dancing question mark

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

You ever notice how noisy people are?

You probably don't pay much attention to most of the sound around you. But if it all suddenly went away, it wouldn't take long for you to notice how weird the world just got. That's what a movie or TV show would be like without Foley artists.

What's a "Foley," you ask?
Actually, it's who. "Foley art" is named for Jack Foley, who worked in Hollywood in the 1950s. He was the first person to make movies seem real by adding everyday sounds.

When a film is shot, the actors' words are recorded, but other noises can get lost or seem wrong. Foley artists fill in those missing sounds.

In a movie with a sword fight, for instance, a Foley artist may add the sounds of footsteps on stone and swords clanging together. Why? Because the floor on the set may look like stone, but it's really painted plywood—and the swords are just made of plastic.

The Wizard and his partner of 15 years

Dwight, Santa and The Wizard

Prison Vs. Work

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

Who Said Disneyland Wasn't Fun?

Cinderella CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly,

.. Peter, Peter, something or other.."

PINOCCHIO PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

Minnie and Mickey MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."

Tarzan and Jane One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony.

Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

Ten Dollar Bar Test...

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills...

The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it! He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well... you pay ten dollars and IF you pass three tests...you get all the money!!!"

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up! "What are the three tests?"

"Pay FIRST..." says the bartender... "Those are the rules."

So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar... "OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do...

FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of tequila... the WHOLE thing, all at ONCE... and you CAN'T make a face while doing it...

SECOND: There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth... You have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS...

THIRD: There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached orgasm during intercourse... You've got to MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her."

The man is stunned... "I know I paid my 10 bucks... but I'm not an IDIOT! I WON'T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your MONEY stays where it is..."

The man has a few drinks... then a few more... Finally, he asks, "WHERRRRE'S ZAAAAT TEQUIIIIIILA ?!?!?!"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp... Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face...

Next... he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up...

The people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside... They hear the pit bull barking... the guy screaming... the pit bull yelping ... and then....

Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into the bar ... with his shirt ripped... and large, bloody scratches all over his body...

"NOW!!....." he says... "WHERE'S THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH ?!?!"

ABC Company Policy Changes

ABC Co. The following policy changes will go into effect immediately.

Dress Code:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category."

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation or input should be directed elsewhere.

Thank you for your loyalty to ABC company.

Sunday, December 09, 2018

"Scuse me while I kiss this guy"....

Madonna and ex-Goodie and TV bird expert Bill Oddie Madonna and ex-Goodie and TV bird expert Bill Oddie may be an strange partnership but they are united by song.

Some people in a survey thought a line in her song Erotica ("Erotic, erotic, put your hands all over my body") was "Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie, put your hands all over my body".

Jimi Hendrix's "kiss the sky" in Purple Haze becomes "kiss this guy".

You have responded magnificently to our request for your own favourites - and most have produced plenty of amusement in the Sky News office.

Here are your best oops:

Instead of the line "I want to sex you up" in the Colour Me Bad song, an old school friend of mine used to sing "I'm homosexual". Also once heard somebody sing Cool & The Gang's Celebration but changed "What's your pleasure" to "What's the weather". Also finally a close friend if mine used to change R Kelly's "You've got that vibe" to "You've got those thighs"
--Louise, Berks

When Meatloaf sang "I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram, on a silver black phantom bike", I thought he was singing "I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram, I'm a Cilla Black fan on a bike".
--Nick Pettigrew, Macclesfield

I thought that Simon and Garfunkel's The Boxer had the lyric "Asking only workman's wages I come looking for a job, but I get no offers, just a come-on from the horse on Seventh Avenue."
--Geoff, Lincoln

I thought Macy Gray's song 'I Try' says "I wore goggles when you are not near" when really its "my world crumbles when you are not near".
--Gila Rabinowitz, Jerusalem

"My world crumbles when you are not here" becomes "I wore bubbles when you are not here"
--Maria, Dublin - mailed at exactly the same time as the previous one!

The great Police track Message In A Bottle contains the lyric "the years have passed since I wrote my note" which seems to be sung as "the years have passed since I broke my nose"
--Phil, London

My mum used to genuinely think that Come On Eileen by the excellent Dexi's Midnight Runners was Come On Ali after the great boxer. I still sing it that way.
--Andrew, Swansea

For years my sister Trisha sang "the lift goes up" instead of the correct words "love lifts up" from the theme tune to An Officer And A Gentleman.
--Marie, Slough

My wife thought that Hey Mr Tambourine Man by The Byrds was Hamish The Tambourine Man.
--Michael Peel, Blyth

Marc Almond - Say Hello, Wave Goodbye (also covered by David Gray) the line "You're used to wearing less" my friend always thought it was "You used to wear Ellesse" (as in the trainers)
--Sonia, Cork

Musical Note I once worked with a girl in Wicklow who honestly thought that the lyrics to a certain tune were: At the Coca, Coca Banana. She used to go around the office singing it (which is pretty bad regardless of what lyrics you use). She actually tried to convince me there was no such thing as a 'Copacabana' and that I was making up my lyrics!
--Brian, Dublin

Howard Jones sung "I don't want to be hip and cool" (I think) in his 1984 hit What Is Love?. I thought he was saying, "I don't want to be Hit Van Doon". I was never sure who Hit Van Doon was but he sounded pretty cool to me.
--George, London

I always thought that Abba were singing "When the bus had to go" instead of "One of us had to go".
--Kaye Freestone, Preston

I also recently thought Christina Aguilera was incredibly vulgar, when I misheard a line from her Genie In A Bottle as "come on baby lick me out". A friend told me a while later that it was actually "come on baby let me out".
--Harriet, London

I have a friend who thought that 'strike a pose' in Madonna's Vogue was 'strike the post'. She knows all the words to the rap bit in the middle, though.
--Laura Wood, Essex

My girlfriend sang "I wanna be your dog" instead of "I wanna be adored" by the Stone Roses. She sang it wrong for about 10 years.
--Phil Hancocks, Croydon

I thought for years that Adam Ant Stand And Deliver was "stand in your dinner". God knows how I worked that one out.
--Thomas Castle, Dunfermline

I wondered why Robbie Williams was singing about waiting for a dozen angels until my wife told me the lyrics were "I sit and wait, does an angel."
--Graham Meadows, Lowestoft

You have missed two of the best. Both are by the Police: "Massage in a brothel" and "Sue Lawley".
--Steve, Basingstoke - and many others with the second.

An ex-girlfriend used to think that the chorus to Ultavox's classic Vienna was "old piano".
--Terry, Oxford

My best friend at school thought Madonna's 'Papa don't preach' was 'Puppet on a bridge'
--Cat, Earlsfield

I always thought the first line of Desmond Dekker's Israelites was "Wake up in the morning, baked beans for breakfast"
--Louise, Chelmsford

I used to think the 60s soul record take Me To The River said "Take me to the river and watch me drown" rather than "wash me down".
--Graeme, Alva

I always thought that the 80s hit 'King Of Rock 'N' Roll' by Prefab Sprout, went 'Hot dog, jumping frog, 'Alpen Cookie' rather than 'Albuquerque'.
--Bethan, London

A few weeks ago Bohemian Rhapsody came on in our local pub and my friend was singing along to it. However her lyrics to "beelzebub has a devil put aside for me" became Musical Note "beelzebub has a devil on the sideboard". On another occasion I caught my husband singing "oh we are sailing" instead of the traditional "all we are saying" to the song Give Peace a Chance.
--HG, Doncaster

My aunt sang "I've got a rickshaw and i want to paint it black" ("I've got a red door and I want to paint it black") Rolling Stones
--Darren Lovatt, Sweden

My girlfriend Lisa sang: "Guns don't kill people rabbits do" by Goldie Lookin Chain. Obviously it was "rappers". At first I thought she knew and was joking but into the second week I had to say something and she wasn't.
--Dave, Pontefract

The White Stripes' "I think I smell a rat". The first time I heard it I thought he was singing 'I think I smell alright'
--Lindsay Cockcroft

Oasis' Champagne Super Nova: I used to sing "Champagne to Pinochio" I really can't figure out now how I ever heard those words in it. But I sang it for ages before a friend told me the real lyrics.
--Kerry Byrne, Wicklow

My work colleague yesterday was singing M People's One Night In Heaven - "one night, one night, ooohhooo one night in Devon".
--Anna, Lincoln

In Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal, I always thought he was singing "Eddie are you ok?" instead of "Annie are you ok". I still sing my lyrics when I hear the song which drives my boyfriend mad.
--Debbie, London

Desmond Dekker's Israelites becomes "me ears are alight".
--Lindy, Suffolk

Abba's One Of Us. There is a line in there somewhere stating: 'one of us had to go' I have heard people singing along to the song turning that into: 'when the bus had to go'
--Paul Goes, Luxembourg

I have two friends who used to sing Bob Marley's No Woman, No Cry but they thought the chorus was "No Woman, No Pride".
--Damian, Kildare

UB40's "I am a one in ten was interpreted by my brother as " I have a one inch head" Love it!
--Nic Graham, London

At school I had a friend who thought the line 'Guilty, guilty as a girl can be' from the Bananarama song 'Love In The First Degree' was 'Guilty, guilty as a dunken flea'.
--Sam, Leeds

How Deep Is Your Love by the Bee Gees: "and you come to me on a submarine" - is supposed to be "and you come to me on a summer breeze" - I have always thought those were the words.
--Shelley Cross, London

In Bonnie Tyler's It's A Heartache, my wife always sings "she's got 400 children and a crop in the field" instead of "she's got four hungry children."
--Steve Baldock, West Sussex

Steve has his own problems if he thinks Bonnie Tyler included those lyrics in It's A Heartache. They are actually from Kenny Rogers' song Lucille.
--Christy Murphy, Dublin

Ataris - The Boys Of Summer: "Your brown skin shinin' in the sun" actually sounds like "Your bra strap is shinin' in the sun"
--Andy H, Warrington

In the theme tune for Ghostbusters, when they sing "Ghostbusters" it sounds like "those b******s"
--Lee B, Herts

In Shanice "I Love Your Smile" the line "Sitting in my class, just drifting away" always goes into my head as "Sitting in my class, just stripped to the waist". It certainly makes an innocent song seem rather saucy!
--Gina-Luisa Hilborne, Woolacombe, Devon

Musical Note A friend of mine, when she was in Primary School, used to sing "if you're happy and you know it clap your hands, if you're happy and you know it clap your hands, if you're happy and you know it, Tangerines want to know it. We still laugh about it now.
--Louise Knott, Cardiff

I once heard a guy ask for a copy of Liver Pate by Bad Manners in my local record shop - he meant Lip Up Fatty. The poor bloke nearly died of embarrassment when his mistake was pointed out, much to everybody's amusement.
--Dominic, Clevedon

Angie by the Rolling Stones became - wait for it - Andy
--Ian Wilson, Spain

Losing my religion - REM. Always wondered what the correct lyrics are but it sounds like they are singing "Calling Cheryl Baker, calling Cheryl Baker".
--Nanda Braithwaite, Farnborough

Nanda - that REM song was The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight (actual lyric No Need To Wake Her Up). Madonna's La Isla Bonita - "young girl with eyes like potatoes" instead of "like the desert".
--Geoff Banks, Warrington

Geoff and Nanda, according to the printed lyrics for the Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight, it's Call Me When You Try To Wake Her UP
--Clare, Dublin

My brother-in-law used to sing "home, home on the range, where the deer and the cantalope roam". And I'm sure John Denver's fella never "talked to the fish in the trees" - my husband only recently put me straight on that one.
--Anna, Birmingham


How sexy is your name?

According to studies, the first letter of your first name reveals your sexual identity ... What do you think?

You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.

You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be . You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.

You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual,needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.

Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, being free and open.

Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good look.)

You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt,yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous,sexual,and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic lve scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.

You are crap in bed! ( Remember....I didn't write this!!!! LOL)

You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover.

You have a great need to be loved,appreciated...Even worshipped.You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh.You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression.You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual,but you are sometimes downright lustful.

You are totally fu*king marvelous!

You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste.Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving,cuddling, wining,and dining to know that you're being appreciated.

You are very romantic, idealistic, andsomehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You really enjoy stimulating yourself, though you are fairly new to it. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.

You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and also enjoy mothering your mate.

You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible.You are a flirt,yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual,and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.

You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity and diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner.You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; A good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not brag, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.

You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this.Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.

You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, oftentimes all in your own head.

You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant ratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.

You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to encentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.

You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.

You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs,all by yourself, in your own head.

You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forgot the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating and romantic.

Sorry, there was no "Z" in this post. Catching "Z's" no doubt

The highest bridge in the World

There was a really good documentary on the construction of this on Discovery a while ago. It is located in southern France, and is the highest bridge in the world. See:

Visit Wikipedia for details of location and construction. It is a truly amazing piece of engineering, especially
considering the method used to span the distance between the piers. By the way, the red towers you see in the photo were removed following completion of the bridge.

Click above

Be sure to maximize your screen for this.

They haven't printed enough money to pay me to drive across this bridge!!

It is 787 feet above the ground...

View the webcam here.

The Many Faces of Mona

It has been said that there has been no other face as recognizable in this world as Mona Lisa's. Here are some other little known facts:

Birthday: 1503-1506
Birthplace: Florence, Italy
Current home: The Louvre, Paris, France
Stats: 20 7/8" x 30", oil on poplar wood.
Marital Status: Married to Francesco del Giocondo since 1495
Working On: Being most celebrated painting in the world
I stay home to watch: Singers, musicians, jesters and The Sopranos
Favorite singer: Nat King Cole
Favorite dish: Savino Sorbet
Prized possessions: *Sfumato, *Chiaroscuro, my new room
Personal hero: Leonardo Da Vinci
Nobody knows: Why I’m smiling
If I could do it over: I’d have a contract with royalties
I’d give anything to meet: Madonna
My fantasy is: To model for Versace
The one thing I can’t stand: Paparazzi
If I could change one thing about myself: I’d be larger
My most irrational act: Being stolen in 1911
Most humbling experience: *L.H.O.O.Q.
The words that best describe me: Lisa Gherardini, Mona Lisa, La Gioconda

Below are some of the faces that are never seen, during the times when the museum is closed. Take an exclusive peek, as these were caught on film during the wee hours of the morning at The Louvre:

Mona Lisa Smile Mona Lisa Smile Mona Lisa Smile Mona Lisa Smile Mona Lisa Smile Mona Lisa Smile

*Sfumato is the famous invention of Da Vinci - light and shade that allow one form to blend in with another leaving something to the imagination. He did this to the corners of Mona Lisa' mouth and eyes which explains why she may look different and different times.

*Chiaroscuro the distribution of light and shade in a picture

*L.H.O.O.Q. in 1919 Dada painter Marcel Duchamp put a mustache and goatee on a reproduction of the Mona Lisa. The letters read phonetically in French: Elle a chaud au cul (she has a hot arse.)

***Facts from: Mona Lisa Mania

See? Told you so....

died from not forwarding that email to ten people

Habitat 67

Photo credit: © Benjamin News Company, Montreal

Since Man first moved out of his caves, he has tested many forms of shelter: crude huts of mud, tents with skin covers, squared logs and blocks of stone.

Around a group of such dwellings - always near water - a village would grow, then perhaps a town, with winding paths leading to the focal point of well or water's edge.

Today, Habitat 67 in Cité du Havre reveals to the fullest the extent to which man has used his ingenuity in combining shelter with all the attributes of modern life, in an urban world in which living space is at a premium. It unites the advantages of apartments, by housing many families in a small area. It answers the suburban dream of gardens. And it places every home within walking distance of stores on sheltered streets.

To the visitor approaching Habitat 67 from almost any direction, the first impression is one of a series of terraces, rising one on the other, in set-back steps, to a height of twelve stories. The most distinctive features of Habitat 67 are the manner in which terraces and homes are combined for economy of construction, and the system of roads and pedestrian streets which serve each home on the various levels.

The actual housing area contains 158 housing units in 20 types, ranging from a 1-bedroom 600 ft. square unit to a 4-bedroom house of 1,700 sq. ft. The houses were put together by the use of 354 modular construction units, each 17'6" by 38'6" by 10' high, precast of concrete. After casting, the modular units were taken to a finishing area, where kitchens, bathrooms, window frames, insulation, fixtures, etc. were installed. The unit - weighing 70-90 tons - was then lifted into place by crane.

*Photo credit: © Benjamin News Company, Montreal

Saturday, December 08, 2018

How was the "LCARS" computer effect in Star Trek: The Next Generation executed?

From Quora.com

LCARS is the computer system on the Enterprise that the characters of Star Trek: The Next Generation use in the show. I am interested in what computer or graphics system was used to display the effect, whether it was visible to the actors or added in post-production and what software and/or hardware Michael Okuda used to create the effect.

answer from Robert Frost, Hardcore Star Trek fan since he was 2:

Most of the time, when we saw a scene like this:


The LCARS display is created by using a large piece of film that is backlit by gel lights. Turning individual lights on and off could give the appearance of animation, but it was really just a static piece of film. Here is a picture of Scenic Art Supervisor, Mike Okuda, with one such film. Mike was responsible for designing the diagrams, and they have become known as Okudagrams.

Mike Okuda

Any LCARS effect that required real animation or incorporation of video was added in post-production. The actors were looking at a blue rectangle.

As for software used, Mike and his team constructed static images using the Macintosh version of Adobe Illustrator and animations using the Macintosh version of Macromedia Director. Both of which were brand new applications when the show started.

Pink Floyd - The Endless River

a tribute album to Richard Wright.

Wisdom for this weekend

Two Wolves

Click above

Use your 'Back' button to return to 'OZ'

In or out?

by Michael Radkowsky
Is there a way to be closeted at work and still live the rest of my life as a happy, proud, well-adjusted gay man?
Is there a way to be closeted at work and still live the rest of my life as a happy, proud, well-adjusted gay man?

Dear Michael,

I feel like I’m living a lie because I’m not out at work. I’m afraid that if I come out, it will negatively impact my career.

I work for a company with a conservative corporate culture that is also somewhat “frat house.” I don’t have any openly gay colleagues and I don’t even know if there are any other people who are closeted. I sometimes hear colleagues make disparaging remarks about gay people disguised as humor.

Why do I stay? I actually love my work and jobs in my specialization aren’t easy to find. They also tend to be with companies with corporate cultures similar to my current workplace.

If people suspected, I’m worried that I’d be ostracized or miss out on a promotion, so I play the game of saying I’m straight and even sometimes talk about women I’m supposedly dating. I don’t feel good about this.

I’m embarrassed to talk to my friends about how difficult this is because I’m sure they’ll judge me, so I actually feel distant from everyone I’m close to.

Also, I feel like I have to monitor myself all the time, worrying about who might see me when I’m out with my gay friends and always watching what I say at work.

I almost don’t like who I am, but I don’t think I have a choice if I want to be successful in the career I love.

Is there a way to be closeted at work and still live the rest of my life as a happy, proud, well-adjusted gay man?

Click here to go to WashintonBlade.com


Bounce 1. All this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer! It will chase ants away when you lay! a sheet near them. It also repels mice.

2. Spread sheets around foundation areas, or in trailers, or cars that are sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.

3. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.

4. It repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.

5. Eliminate static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.

6. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.

7. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.

8. To freshen the air in your home - Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.

9. Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner.

10. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.

11. Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.

12. To freshen the air in your car - Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.

13. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food and the pan.

14. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.

15. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.

16. Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.

17. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.

18. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.

19. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.

20. Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.

21. Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before re-folding and storing them. It will keep them smelling fresh.

The Sandpiper

She was six years old when I first met her on the beach near where I live. I drive to this beach, a distance of three or four miles, whenever the world begins to close in on me. She was building a sand castle or something and looked up, her eyes as blue as the sea.

"Hello," she said.

I answered with a nod, not really in the mood to bother with a small child.

"I'm building," she said.

"I see that. What is it?" I asked, not really caring "Oh, I don't know, I just like the feel of sand."

That sounds good, I thought, and slipped off my shoes.

A sandpiper glided by.

"That's a joy," the child said.

"It's a what?"

"It's a joy. My mama says sandpipers come to bring us joy."

The bird went gliding down the beach. Good-bye joy, I muttered to myself, hello pain, and turned to walk on. I was depressed, my life seemed completely out of balance.

"What's your name?" She wouldn't give up.

"Robert," I answered. "I'm Robert Peterson."

"Mine's Wendy... I'm six."

"Hi, Wendy."

She giggled. "You're funny," she said.

In spite of my gloom, I laughed too and walked on. Her musical giggle followed me.

"Come again, Mr. P," she called. "We'll have another happy day."

The next few days consisted of a group of unruly Boy Scouts, PTA meetings, and an ailing mother. The sun was shining one morning as I took my hands out of the dishwater. I need a sandpiper, I said to myself, gathering up my coat.

The ever-changing balm of the seashore awaited me. The breeze was chilly but I strode along, trying to recapture the serenity I needed.

"Hello, Mr. P," she said. "Do you want to play?"

"What did you have in mind?" I asked, with a twinge of annoyance.

"I don't know. You say."

"How about charades?" I asked sarcastically.

The tinkling laughter burst forth again. "I don't know what that is."

"Then let's just walk."

Looking at her, I noticed the delicate fairness of her face. "Where do you live?" I asked.

"Over there." She pointed toward a row of summer cottages. Strange, I thought, in winter.

"Where do you go to school?"

"I don't go to school. Mommy says we're on vacation."

She chattered little girl talk as we strolled up the beach, but my mind was on other things When I left for home, Wendy said it had been a happy day. Feeling surprisingly better, I smiled at her and agreed.

Three weeks later, I rushed to my beach in a state of near panic. I was in no mood to even greet Wendy. I thought I saw her mother on the porch and felt like demanding she keep her child at home.

"Look, if you don't mind," I said crossly when Wendy caught up with me, "I'd rather be alone today." She seemed unusually pale and out of breath.

"Why?" she asked.

I turned to her and shouted, "Because my mother died!" and thought, My God, why was I saying this to a little child?

"Oh," she said quietly, "then this is a bad day."

"Yes," I said, "and yesterday and the day before and -- oh, go away!"

"Did it hurt?" she inquired.

"Did what hurt?" I was exasperated with her, with myself.

"When she died?"

"Of course it hurt!" I snapped, misunderstanding, wrapped up in myself. I strode off A month or so after that, when I next went to the beach, she wasn't there. Feeling guilty, ashamed, and admitting to myself I missed her, I went up to the cottage after my walk and knocked at the door. A drawn looking young woman with honey-colored hair opened the door.

"Hello," I said, "I'm Robert Peterson. I missed your little girl today and wondered where she was."

"Oh yes, Mr. Peterson, please come in. Wendy spoke of you so much. I'm afraid I allowed her to bother you. If she was a nuisance, please, accept my apologies."

"Not at all -- she's a delightful child." I said, suddenly realizing that I meant what I had just said.

"Wendy died last week, Mr. Peterson. She had leukemia. Maybe she didn't tell you."

Struck dumb, I groped for a chair. I had to catch my breath.

"She loved this beach, so when she asked to come, we couldn't say no. She seemed so much better here and had a lot of what she called happy days.

But the last few weeks, she declined rapidly..." Her voice faltered, "She left something for you, if only I can find it. Could you wait a moment while I look?"

I nodded stupidly, my mind racing for something to say to this lovely young woman. She handed me a smeared envelope with "MR. P" printed in bold childish letters. Inside was a drawing in bright crayon hues -- a yellow beach, a blue sea, and a brown bird. Underneath was carefully printed:


Tears welled up in my eyes, and a heart that had almost forgotten to love opened wide. I took Wendy's mother in my arms. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," I uttered over and over, and we wept together. The precious little picture is framed now and hangs in my study. Six words -- one for each year of her life -- that speak to me of harmony, courage, and undemanding love.

A gift from a child with sea blue eyes and hair the color of sand -- who taught me the gift of love.

NOTE: This is a true story sent out by Robert Peterson. It happened over 20 years ago and the incident changed his life forever. It serves as a reminder to all of us that we need to take time to enjoy living and life and each other. The price of hating other human beings is loving oneself less.

Life is so complicated, the hustle and bustle of everyday traumas can make us lose focus about what is truly important or what is only a momentary setback or crisis.

This week, be sure to give your loved ones an extra hug, and by all means, take a moment... even if it is only ten seconds, to stop and smell the roses.

This comes from someone's heart, and is read with many and now I share it with you...

May God Bless everyone who receives this! There are NO coincidences!

Everything that happens to us happens for a reason. Never brush aside anyone as insignificant. Who knows what they can teach us?

I wish for you, a sandpiper.

Urban Legend Origins: The story about a dying girl who leaves a drawing of a sandpiper for the grouch she's befriended has been circulating on the Internet since 1997. Three different beach-walking grumps have been named as the one relating the account: Ruth Patterson, Ruth Peterson, and Robert Peterson.

In 2003 this sad tale, which had previously ended with "A gift from a child with sea blue eyes and hair the color of sand — who taught me the gift of love," appeared with this coda tacked onto it:

NOTE: This is a true story sent out by Robert Peterson. It happened over 20 years ago and the incident changed his life forever. It serves as a reminder to all of us that we need to take time to enjoy living and life and each other. The price of hating other human beings is loving oneself less. Life is so complicated, the hustle and bustle of everyday traumas can make us lose focus about what is truly important or what is only a momentary setback or crisis. This week, be sure to give your loved ones an extra hug, and by all means, take a moment...even if it is only ten seconds, to stop and smell the roses. This comes from someone's heart, and is shared with many and now I share it with you.

There is no Robert Peterson. The actual author of the piece is Mary Sherman Hilbert. The full-length version of Hilbert's story appeared in 1978 in a periodical produced by a religious order in Canada and was subsequently picked up by Reader's Digest and offered in condensed form to its readership in 1980. In that shortened version, which went on to become the widely-forwarded piece now part of online culture, the beach walker is identified as Ruth Peterson and the child as Windy.

The Reader's Digest version is prefaced by the following author's statement, one anyone seriously weighing the question of "Is it true?" should pay close attention to:
Several years ago, a neighbor related to me an experience that had happened to her one winter on a beach in Washington State. The incident stuck in my mind and I took notes on what she said. Later, at a writer's conference, the conversation came back to me, and I felt I had to set it down. Here is her story, as haunting to me now as when I first heard it.

It needs to be noted that although the sandpiper tale is written in the first person, its author was not the one who had the encounter with the child; she is merely repeating a story she heard years earlier.

The sandpiper tale attempts to impart two lessons. First, it instructs us not to let our own grief and suffering blind us to the travails of others. It does so through showing us what happened to someone who let his own funk impel him to act in an impatient manner with someone whose dire reality was unknown to him, leaving us to see how he was forever afterwards haunted by memories of his unthinking unkindness. Second, it uses the power of narrative to advise that even in the face of unfolding personal horror we should strive for all the "happy days" we can, as Wendy did.

But it is still a great story!

Friday, December 07, 2018

OOPS! Damn Auto-Correct!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particular icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: April 14, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

Best of the Provinces

1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.

1. Big Rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 7 per cent instead of approximately 200 per cent for the rest of the country.
4. Oilers vs. Flames.
5. Eskies vs. Stamps.
6. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
7. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
8. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

1. The Roughriders
2. You never run out of wheat.
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning.
4. The Roughriders
5. Your province is really easy to draw.
6. You never have to worry about car roll-back if you have a standard transmission.
7. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house.
8. The Roughriders
9. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
10. People will assume you live on a farm.
11. The Roughriders
12. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense.

1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property.
2. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government.
3. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
4. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
5. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work.
6. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
7. Because of your license plate, you are still friendly even when you cut someone off.
8. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist. Separate from what? You are the centre of the universe.
5. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
6. Much Music's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar.
7. The only province with enough idiots to elect an idiot for a premier.

1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians.
3. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
4. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada.
5. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo *#!%".

1. One way or another, the government gets 98 per cent of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours.
4. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston.
5. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.
6. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
7. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen.
8. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television.

1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You are the "only" reason Anne Murray makes money.
3. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
4. The economy is based on lobster and fiddle music.
5. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city.

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea".
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from.
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows.
6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave.
7. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates.
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter.
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss dead cod.
3. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products.
4. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
5. You and only you understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics.
6. The workday is about two hours long.
7. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines.
8. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding.

Winter - some of the beautiful things seen

Ice Sculpture
Ice Sculpture
Ice Sculpture
Ice Sculpture
Ice Sculpture
Ice Sculpture
Ice Sculpture
Ice Sculpture
Ice Sculpture
Ice Sculpture
Ice Sculpture
Ice Sculpture
Ice Sculpture

Amazing Facts That Will Blow Your Mind

Google's founders were willing to sell to Excite for under $1 million in 1999—but Excite turned them down.

Wilford Brimley was Howard Hughes's bodyguard.

Prairie dogs say hello with kisses.

Only one McDonald’s in the world has turquoise arches. Sedona, AZ thought yellow clashed with the natural red rock.

Officials in Portland, Ore., drained 8 million gallons of water from a reservoir in 2011 because a buzzed 21-year-old peed in it.

In Qaddafi's compound, Libyan rebels found a photo album filled with pictures of Condoleezza Rice.

Fredric Baur invented the Pringles can. When he passed away in 2008, his ashes were buried in one.