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Monday, September 25, 2017

Luggage Safe

With all the theft from airline luggage now and motel housekeeping going through your luggage while you are out, this product will deter those thieves. Just place your valuables inside and travel while feeling secure.



Gotta Love Them Rednecks

REDNECK YARD SWING
redneck Backyard Swing

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?

When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies, 'Go ahead'....

Redneck Cellar
Redneck Celler

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.


Redneck Mailbox
Redneck Mailbox

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records


Redneck Time Out
Redneck Time-Out

Who invented the toothbrush ?
A Redneck.(If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been called a teethbrush.)

Redneck Wheelchair
Redneck Wheelchair

Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.


A new Redneck law was just recently passed
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

A Redneck Thanksgiving
(if Norman Rockwell were a Redneck)
Redneck Thanksgiving - if Norman Rockwell was a redneck

Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down ?
'Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even finished colouring one of them.'

100 Reasons To be Gay...

Putin on the gays
In celebration of the mirth it caused I thought I’d share it with you all. Aren’t I kind ? If you’re on a random joke list then you might have seen it before, but the oldies are always the best (unless you’re lucky enough to pull some young chicken) and we say share and share alike (unless its an STD).

So, here are 100 reasons to be gay. How many can you own up to ?
Click here.

Can You Guess Someone's Age?

Try your luck at guessing people's age from their pictures. Click here. Click on "Guess Ages"

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Insurance Claims...

Strange but true
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong driveway and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"I noticed smoke rising from under the bonnet. Realizing the car was on fire, I pulled over, took out my dog, and smothered it with a blanket."

"The driver in front of me hit a pedestrian. He got up from where he lay, so I hit him again."

Women

BEHIND EVERY
SUCCESSFUL WOMAN
IS HERSELF

woman in mirror


A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG
SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER
IN HOT WATER

Teacup


I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN
ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW
TO COMBINE MARRIAGE
AND A CAREER

Darts at the world


COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN.
SOME THINGS ARE JUST
BETTER RICH

Rich Coffee


I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN
And I HAVE A GUN

Out of estrogen with a gun


WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE
AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT

attitude!

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...
I DID IT RIGHT
THE FIRST TIME

at the desk


DO NOT START WITH ME.
YOU WILL NOT WIN



ALL STRESSED OUT
AND NO ONE TO CHOKE



Stressed



And last but not least:

Smiley

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED,
SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN

Rude/Dirty Tongue Twisters

These are tongue-twisters which are not themselves rude, but they are dangerous because if you try saying them fast then you might end up saying something naughty!

I am not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's mate.
I am only plucking pheasants
Because the pheasant plucker's late.


I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit;
and on the slitted sheet I sit.

One smart fellow; he felt smart.
Two smart fellows; they felt smart.
Three smart fellows; they all felt smart.


I'm not the fig plucker,
Nor the fig pluckers' son,
But I'll pluck figs
Till the fig plucker comes.

Fire truck tyres


Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.
Not a punt cut square,
Just a square cut punt.
It's round in the stern and blunt in the front.
Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.

Six stick shifts stuck shut.

Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers.

Right Now

Right Now

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Cats and Mice in Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

Mouse on Roller Skates

Hey we need a cute clean one every once in awhile.

6 truths in life!

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this post to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

HYUK!

I apologize about this.

I'm an idiot and I needed company.

One Tin Soldier

Listen children to a story that was written long ago
'bout a kingdom on a mountain and the valley folk below.
On the mountain was a treasure buried deep beneath a stone,
and the valley people swore they'd have it for their very own.


Go ahead and hate your neighbor, go ahead and cheat a friend.
Do it in the name of heaven, justify it in the end.
There won't be any trumpets blowin' come the judgment day
on the bloody morning after one tin soldier rides away.


So the people of the valley sent a message up the hill
asking for the buried treasure, tons of gold for which they'd kill.
Came an answer from the kingdom: "With our brothers we will share
all the secrets of our mountain, all the riches buried there."


Go ahead and hate your neighbor, go ahead and cheat a friend.
Do it in the name of heaven, justify it in the end.
There won't be any trumpets blowin' come the judgment day
on the bloody morning after one tin soldier rides away.


Now the valley cried with anger; mount your horses, draw your sword,
and they killed the mountain people, so they won their just reward.
Now they stood beside the treasure on the mountain, dark and red,
turned the stone and looked beneath it.
"Peace on earth" was all it said.


Go ahead and hate your neighbor, go ahead and cheat a friend.
Do it in the name of heaven, justify it in the end.
There won't be any trumpets blowin' come the judgment day
on the bloody morning after one tin soldier rides away.


One Tin Soldier
Click on the above picture for one person's take
on the meaning of this song...

*(The Legend of Billy Jack)
words and music by Dennis Lambert and Brian Potter, performed by Coven
Copyright © 1969 by ABC / Dunhill Music, Inc.

Ever heard of?

Ever heard of "sphenopalatine ganglion"?

Brain freeze, primarily known as ice cream headache, but also cold headache, shakeache, frigid face, freezie, frozen brain syndrome, cold-stimulus headache, or Brain Freezeits given scientific name sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia (meaning "nerve pain of the sphenopalatine ganglion"), is a form of brief cranial pain or headache commonly associated with consumption (particularly quick consumption) of cold beverages or foods such as ice cream.

An editorial was published in the British Medical Journal on ice cream headache; it referenced several articles on the effect of rapid consumption of cold foods or beverages. It has been studied as an example of referred pain, an unpleasant sensation localized to an area separate from the site of the painful stimulation.

The effect occurs when something very cold, such as ice cream, touches the top palate in the mouth. The blood vessels constrict due to the cold. This makes the nerves send a signal to the brain to open blood vessels. But this rapid opening of the blood vessels makes fluid back up in the tissues that won't drain for thirty seconds to a minute. This causes a little swelling in the forehead that hurts a lot.

It has been estimated that one in three people experience ice cream headache from consumption of ice cream. Some studies suggest that it is more common in people who experience migraines; other studies have shown the opposite. Experiments have shown that frozen yogurt, which will generally maintain a more liquid state than traditional ice cream at lower temperatures, will trigger ice cream headache in test subjects more readily than dairy ice cream, cold drinks or ice.

The term "Brainfreeze" has been trademarked by 7-Eleven.

*Wikipedia

Friday, September 22, 2017

How to seal a bag of chips without a clip

Hollywood stars paid to smoke

Ronald Reagan pitching Chesterfield brand cigarettesHollywood’s Golden Age stars were paid to promote smoking, a new study says. A-list actors such as Clark Gable, Joan Crawford, Gary Cooper, Spencer Tracy and John Wayne received huge amounts of money through their film studios, according to researchers at the University of California at San Francisco. A key documents uncovered by the researchers was a list of payments for a single year in the late 1930s detailing how much stars were paid by American Tobacco, the makers of Lucky Strike. Documents show movie stars who endorsed Lucky Strikes cigarettes in 1937 were paid $218,750, the equivalent of $3 million in today’s economy. In total, almost 200 stars took part in cigarette endorsements, even though it was already known that tobacco use could lead to health problems. James Cagney, one of the stars who didn’t sell out, was still affected, commenting in his autobiography about his dismay at the loss of co-star Ann Sheridan at 51 of cancer of the esophagus and liver. Other stars who died of smoking related diseases include Humphrey Bogart (throat cancer, age 57), Spencer Tracy (heart attack following lung congestion at 67), John Wayne (lung & stomach cancer at 72), Clark Gable (coronary thrombosis, 59), Gary Cooper (prostate cancer, 60) and Betty Grable (lung cancer, 57).

--Link back to Tribute.ca--

Thanks to Erwin for providing me with the following information:

STARS PAID TO PROMOTE LUCKY STRIKE - 1937/8
Actor = US$ paid (2008 equivalent)
Gary Cooper = 10,000 (146,583)
Joan Crawford = 10,000 (146,583)
Henry Fonda = 3,000 (43,975)
Clark Gable = 10,000 (146,583)
Bob Hope = 2,500 (36,646)
Gertrude Lawrence = 1,750 (25,652)
Carole Lombard = 10,000 (146,583)
Myrna Loy = 10,000 (146,583)
Fred MacMurray = 6,000 (87,950)
Ray Milland = 2,000 (29,317)
George Raft = 3,000 (43,975)
Edward Robinson = 3,000 (43,975)
Barbara Stanwyck = 10,000 (146,583)
Gloria Swanson = 1,500 (21,988)
Robert Taylor = 10,000 (146,583)
Spencer Tracy = 10,000 (146,583)
Source: Tobacco Control 2008

Butch the Rooster

John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers
(hens), called 'pullets',
and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records,
and any rooster not performing
went into the soup pot
and was replaced.
This took a lot of time,
so he bought some tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone
so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch
And fill out an efficiency report
by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch,
was a very fine specimen,
but this morning he noticed
old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate,
he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets,
hearing the roosters coming,
could run for cover.

Butch The Rooster
To John's amazement,
old Butch had his bell in his beak,
so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet,
do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch,
he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation
among the judges.

The result was the judges
not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out
how to win two of the most highly coveted awards
on our planet by being the best
at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully this year,
the bells are not always audible.

Try this at home!

Homemade Metal Detector



Forget your combination?

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Jest Jokes...

A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asks her husband to do.

HYUK!

A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now."

Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.

The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your truck again?"

The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and today I'm taking him to the movies."

HYUK!

Confucius say: “Beans in sandy soil causes Dust in the Wind”

HYUK!

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.

He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”

The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The co-op man replies “You must really be doing well!”

“Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”

HYUK!

Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house?
A. He uses "windows". (Lame one)

HYUK!

Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the tub I'm drowning! (Even Lamer!)

HYUK!

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”

The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”

Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

Woo! HOO!!

Water Bill

Jennifer and Jim kept getting huge water bills. They knew beyond a doubt that the bills weren't representative of their actual usage, and no matter how they tried to conserve, the high bills continued. Although they could see nothing wrong, they had everything checked for leaks or problems: first the water meter, then outdoor pipes, indoor pipes, underground pipes, faucets, toilets, washers, ice maker, etc. -- all to no avail.

One day Jim was sick and stayed home in bed, but kept hearing water running somewhere downstairs. He finally tore himself from his bed to investigate and stumbled onto the cause of such high water bills.

Apparently this was happening all day long when they were not at home.

Knowing that few would believe him, he taped a segment of the 'problem' for posterity

Riddle

Schwarzenegger has a big one
Michael J. Fox has a small one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Pope has one but doesn't use his
Clinton uses his all the time
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one
Liberace never used his on women
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his
Cher claims that she took on 3
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?


Click here to find out.

Blessings of Mabon

Fall leaves
Blessed Be!

"The breezes taste
Of apple peel.
The air is full
Of smells to feel-
Ripe fruit, old footballs,
Burning brush,
New books, erasers,
Chalk, and such.
The bee, his hive,
Well-honeyed hum,
And Mother cuts
Chrysanthemums.
Like plates washed clean
With suds, the days
Are polished with
A morning haze."

- John Updike, September

The International Mercantile

Fake Soccer Balls
Fake Soccer Balls - a niche market!

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the “Caribe.”

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means “horse.”

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

A Budweiser slogan "Cut loose with Bud light" was translated directly into Spanish and came out "Quedate flojo con Bud Light" which means "Get the runs with Bud Light".

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

When Vicks first introduced its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is the “F” sound, which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.

*found at skiptucker.com

My Cool Avatar!

Toon Town Clown
Toon Town Clown (that's me!)

I took inspiration from this guy:
https://kartjeeva.deviantart.com/art/The-Joker-Heath-Ledger-from-the-Dark-Knight-313308990
https://kartjeeva.deviantart.com/art/The-Joker-Heath-Ledger-from-the-Dark-Knight-313308990

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Like Old Time Radio Shows? The Wizard recommends this site.

The following is directly from their website:

ABOUT OTRCAT.COM

After many years of listening and collecting old time radio shows, the OTRCAT (pronounced 'oh-tee-R cat' - from Old Time Radio Catalog) web site started in 1999. After reading "On the Air, The Encyclopedia of Old Time Radio," by John Dunning, I looked to expand my collection.

Up until the late 1990's, collecting Old Time Radio Shows was expensive and the shows themselves were rare. The original site began as a old time radio trading site to share my collection, further my personal collection of old time radio shows, and provide a place for other fans to research the history of the shows and performers. Since the 1990's, OTRCAT encoding thousands old time radio shows into the MP3 format.
Mr OTRCAT
As the collection expanded, fellow collectors asked for copies of the recordings. For listeners who want to order the shows, the CDs are offered at the reasonable price of $5.00 so everyone can afford to listen to these amazing shows. Collections are available on archival-quality media created with professional-grade duplicators which can be enjoyed for years to come. There are also new episodes to listen to every day of the week.

Proceeds from the website offset the price of machinery, supplies, and growing old time radio collection; every month OTRCAT also sends out free CDs of old time radio shows to various low-income retirement homes, centers for the blind, and American field troops based in Iraq and Afghanistan in hopes they will enjoy the nostalgia of these classic radio recordings.



Preserving Old Time Radio - Click above to order your favourite shows today!

Is My Child Going To Grow Up Gay?

***SATIRE***
Is My Child Going To Grow Up Gay?Early Child Development Homo Prevention Tips

1. A boy must not sit on a toilet unless he is having a bowel movement. Standing straight up, not hunched over while urinating, is a sign of manliness. Squatting on a toilet seat (especially if he hovers to avoid the urine of others or prissily wipes the seat with a square of toilet tissue) to pee is not only effeminate but a sign of shame! It is a secret hobby that homosexuals use in their daily lives. It is a scientific fact that when needing to use the restroom, a male is called upon to engage in the unpleasant undertaking of extruding a poopy in only 1 out of every 3 visits. But homosexuals use all three visits to practice squatting, to limber the cheeks of their bottom in preparation for even the most enormous penises. Such calisthenics are neither necessary nor advisable for men who have no intention of squatting over an engorged penis. As soon as your child is able to walk on two feet, you must make that sure he is taught to stand proudly in front of a private or public toilet seat, and to speak not a word, especially in response to the coy whispers of Catholic priests in the next stall.

2. A boy must eat everything on his plate. But if your son pesters you to serve corn on the cob, hot dogs or sausages, that is your signal to change his diet. Try serving meals that more effectively evoke a hankering for the fragrant delights of the female genitalia. An artichoke stuffed with tuna fish will usually do the trick.

3. A boy must always wear socks, except while swimming. So-called, "flip-flops" and "sandals," where the toes and ankles are exposed are products that were created during the (homo)sexual revolution. Creation research indicates that these types of provocative "shoes," were invented by homosexuals in San Fransissyco during the late 1960's with fetishes for little boy ankles. Thwart the perverted delight of these pedo-pedophiles with a thick pair of tube socks!

4. A boy must not be allowed to watch cartoons of any kind. He should spend Saturday mornings sitting quietly by his Father's side (with a respectful 3" between the male bodies), watching sports that don't involved male leotards. He must watch Football, Basketball, Baseball and Boxing. Soccer is not a sport for civilized people and often results in alarmingly long, uncut penises escaping from very alluring satin shorts. Soccer appeals only to poor, uneducated halflings from underdeveloped countries where the women grow mustaches twice as fast as the men. Make your child aware of this. When there are no sports on TV, take your boy out in the backyard and throw the football or play catch with a very hard baseball. Under no circumstances: wrestle in shorts, especially if your son is strapping, handsome and sporting a noticeably turgid crotch.

5. A boy must not play with dolls. If your boy has a young sister, forbid him from entering her room except for the purposes of the type of ordinary heterosexual experimentation that occurs in any Christian household. If you catch your male child playing with dolls, Landover Baptist Child Psychologists recommended that you shave his head, and sit him out at the end of the driveway with a sign around his neck that says, "I'm a Sissy Boy Who Plays With Dolls – Mailman: Why don't you just go ahead and stick something in my mouth?." This method of prevention has a 99.5% success rate (unless your particular mailman is young and attractive).

6. A boy must not refer to his parents as "Mommy" or "Daddy." As soon as your boy is old enough to speak, he must be taught to call his Mother, "Ma," or "Momma" or "Mommie Dearest." When addressing his Father, he should refer to him as, "Sir," "Dad," or "Commander." "Mommy" and "Daddy" are what fey, spoiled boys weaned on effeminacy coo, embarrassing you in front of the neighbors by never keeping the palms of their hands below their waists.

7. A boy must always wear thick, white underwear. White boxers, and/or briefs are acceptable. Your child must be taught that men who wear colored underwear or undergarments that are cut within one inch of the outer periphery of their pubic region or the trough of the valley between the cheeks of their bottom are either European or Homosexual – and in America there is no difference between the two.

8. A boy must never cry or pout. Crying, pouting or showing feelings are weak and feminine traits. After the natural tears of infancy, brought on by a child's traumatic exit from the spiritual realm of Heaven, to the horrible shock every young man experiences in seeing his very own mother's hairy, dilated vagina, and into this Devil run world we call, "Earth," your boy must be taught to stop crying. It usually takes a normal child several weeks to get over its birth – even when using daily submersions into ice-water.If your child is still crying after three weeks, please drop him off at the Creation Science Laboratory for the remainder of the year and for a determination of whether he is worth having back.

9. A boy must not use brightly colored crayons or any crayons from any colors of a rainbow. Christian parents should remove and destroy any suspiciously colored crayons from their boy's box of Crayolas. This needs no explanation, as we here at Landover Baptist are all familiar with Mr. Crayola's so-called "alternate lifestyle," and his reason for putting "Pansy Pink" and "Engorged Penis Head Purple" into his boxes are quite obvious. A boy must also draw in straight lines. Some curves are fine, but if you suspect your child of "doodling," and see that he is using more curves than straight lines, please call your Pastor immediately.

10. A boy must not skip or prance. You must not allow your boy to attend any school where they teach the children to "skip," or play "hopscotch" in Physical Education class. Creation Scientists have proved that such activities are the precursor to cross-dressing, appreciation for poetry, a sardonic display of irony and the rampant shoplifting of skin care products.

For more laffs go here: Landover Baptist Church
http://www.landoverbaptist.org

--Wizard's Note: Hahahahahahahaha! And the Wizard is a:
The Wizard is a card-carrying Homosexual --- and proud of it! ....and PROUD of it!


Landover Baptist Church is a parody of Reverend Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka KS, which can be found at:

http://www.godhatesfags.com
God Hates Fags Hate Site
Above picture from their website

The Poem

RIP Randall Andrew Husack
RIP Randall Andrew Husack
Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.

Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
'Tomorrow' I say! 'I will call on him
Just to show that I'm thinking of him.'
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
'Here's a telegram sir,' 'Randy died today.'
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.


Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love someone, tell them.

Don't be afraid to express yourself.

Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you.

Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late.

Seize the day. Never have regrets.

And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.

Go Riders!!!!

The 13th Man is what the Saskatchewan Roughriders Football Club calls the fans, The Loudest in the CFL!!
The 13th Man is what the Saskatchewan Roughriders Football Club calls the fans
The Loudest in the CFL!!
The Wizard bleeds green! Even at work!!
The Wizard bleeds green! Even at work!!

Click here to goto Riderville.com