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Monday, July 24, 2017

The "noise" in my head

The Scream Minion by ying-min on DeviantArt
First of all let me say that I find this version of "The Scream" funny. Second, what you are about to read is far removed from funny.

For the majority of my life, I have had what I call "noise" in my head. For most of my life, I assumed everyone had this. The "noise" sometimes overtakes my thoughts and sometimes, it compells me to act on it.

What noise? Ok, so here goes within a short amount of time...

"Jump in front of the car."

"Take a bottle of pills, you weak, excuse for a human."
"Ok, if I do will you shut up?"
-- no answer.

"Kill yourself."
"I have tried but I can't."
"I will help you."
-- no answer
-- uses scissors to cut and replace the "noise" with pain.

"Why are you still here?"
"I couldn't do it."
"You are weak."
"I know."
"I will help you."
"You said you would but you lied to me."
"I never lie. I will help you. You just have to listen to me. I have been giving you the way..."
-- sprays oven cleaner on my arm, to burn it, to increase pain, to quiet the "noise", but that is only temporary.

The noise doesn't go away. It tries to be louder than any of my coping can muster. At best I get a few precious days whereas I can only hear the whispers.

So these are the things I hear in my head. There are far more examples I have had, but too many to list here.

My psychiatrist asks me when I tell him about this noise... "Are you hearing other people telling you to do this?" I lie. "No, of course not, they are my voice."

This keeps me out of hospital and I try to lead a "normal" life. Hard to do when that voice in your head, the one I try to believe is me, is not... and it wants me dead. What I don't understand is that he will be dead too... That is illogical.

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