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Saturday, April 29, 2017

Fido's Tale

Fido In B.C, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told CSIS about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

Fido Dido - The Mind Reader

Click here to blow your mind!

Click here.

Save This One For A Bad Day....














































One For The Birds

Before you click, remember to look at the 2 birds, study them closely and watch their habits. See if you can spot which of the two is female. It can be done. Even by someone with skills whatsoever in bird watching.
Disclaimer: What conclusions you draw are your own. Under NO circumstance am I implying which is which.

Now Click here.

Friday, April 28, 2017

The Pysanka

All PYSANKY are created the same way, the only thing that differs is the design on each egg. All designs are an accumulation of ancient symbols arranged in different patterns, and differing color schemes.
Pysanky
1 pysanka, 2 pysanky, 3 pysanky, four

The name PYSANKA comes from the Ukrainian word pysaty which means "to write" since the designs are written on the egg. The ending letter "a" or "y" refers to the number of decorated eggs. Pysanka means one egg, and pysanky is plural. Originally the eggs were kept full to keep the mystical powers intact. But in modern days of changing air pressure and shipping, some empty the eggs to ensure a safe delivery with no mess or smell. The designs are the most important for the well-wishing gifts. The pysanka on the left still has the yolk inside and rattles if you shake it. The other two were emptied.

You can enjoy your pysanky for an entire life time. Unless broken, the eggs will last forever.

* Thanks Vlad for the eggs! I have always wanted some of them! =)

50 Things to do in a Public Restroom

Fun in the toilet stalls!
1.Comment "Pooh, who did that?"

2.Complement people on their shoes.

3.Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up a conversation.

4.Provide 'strenuous' sound-effects.

5.Ask the person in the next stall if there's anything swimming in their bowl.....

6.Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives.

7.Scream " Oh my GOD! What the hell is THAT?"

8.Simulate a drug deal.

9.Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects).

10.Roll Easter Eggs under the doors.

11.Start a sing-a-long.

12.Act schizophrenically.

13.Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask if they are busy....

14.Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.

15.Ask loudly "When does the movie start?"

16.Write 'nerdy' graffitti like "Please wash your hands. Thank you."

17.Kick in stall doors, camera in hand.

18.Pour water over the stall door onto occupant.

19.Say "Oops... missed" while syringing water out around the bowl and under the walls and door into other stalls.

20.Rub chocolate on your hands, reach under the door and say, "Hey buddy. Got any toilet paper? (Stolen from Howie Mandel.)

21.At night, switch off the lights.

22.Run around naked yelling "Where's the fish?"

23.Collect a door charge.

24.Ask "Is there a doctor in the house?"

25.Impersonate Elvis. Be convincing.

26.Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python/axolotl.

27.Write essay questions on the toilet paper.

28.Put cling-film (Glad Wrap) over the toilet bowl.

29.Offer refreshments.

30.Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sand paper.

31.Run in, yelling "Free Willy!"

32.Charge admission.

33.Electrify metal urinals.

34.Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl.

35.One word: GOLDFISH.

36.Make a jelly in the bowl.

37.Place a sign advertising "Driver's side airbags" as standard.

38.Remove stall doors.

39.Glue seat and cover down to bowl.

40.Place signs warning of 24 hour video surveillance.

41.Make stall doors lockable only from the OUTSIDE.

42.Put itching powder on the toilet seats.

43.Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl.

44.Replace soap in dispenser with custard.

45.Completely soak the towel in the towel dispenser, or the paper towels if available.

46.Make kitty litter trays that fit into toilet bowls. Install.

47.Replace condoms in vending machine with tampons (or vice versa).

48.In one stall, attach the toilet bowl to roof. (Advice young players: Don't leave the water in while you do this....)

49.Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette.

OK, So Only 49!

The Official WORLD'S GREATEST TROLL. The BEST Ever!!! PERIOD.

Trump Troll
Not sure if you can still get in on this. I wanted something to remember the nuclear war, and I think this does it. I blotted out his teensy weenie, LOL

Visit Kickstarter

What's In A Name? (An oldie but a goodie =)

SCHITT

The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt," but now you can handle this situation with confidence!

Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N.Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it...

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMM CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS ......................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

TROY - Older but a great flick

Click here for a review of Troy
Click above to read more...

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Tax Return not done yet?

Since you'll never make the deadline now, just use the new quick file option:
New Easy Tax Method!

From Vulcan AB

Figures!
They used to have this masthead on their newspaper...

Click here to read

The Peepee List


Next time you go to the public toilets you may observe one of the following types of vistors:
Calvin
Excitable Type
Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.
Calvin
Sociable Type
Joins pals for a piss whether he wants one or not.
Calvin
Timid Type
Cannot piss if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.
Calvin
Noisy Type
Whistles loudly, peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's tool.
Calvin
Indifferent Type
All urinals being occupied, uses sink.
Calvin
Clever Type
Pisses without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time.
Calvin
Vain Type
Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.
Calvin
Absent-Minded Type
Opens jacket, takes out tie, pisses in pants.
Calvin
Worried Type
Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while pissing.
Calvin
Disgruntled Type
Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to piss, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.
Calvin
Sneaky Type
Drops silent farts while pissing and looks at the bloke next to him.
Calvin
Sloppy Type
Pisses on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.
Calvin
Learned Type
Reads a book or newspaper while pissing.
Calvin
Childish Type
Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while pissing.
Calvin
Strong Type
Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.
Calvin
Drunken Type
Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pisses in trousers.
Calvin
Embarrassed Type
Covers tool with both hands and pisses through fingers.
Calvin
Cock-Eyed Type
Stands in one cubical and pisses in next one.

Microsoft Contraceptive©

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of North American life with the introduction of Contraceptive2017©, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.


Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.


The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.


The Contraceptive2017© suite consists of three products: Condom2017©, DeFetus 1.0© (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1©. A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 10.0© is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive2017© Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector.


Contraceptive2017© Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive2017© does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.


OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs install the package. At installation, the Condom2017© software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.


DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.


CONCLUSION: Contraceptive2017© is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $69 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.


This great new contraceptive product will help users do to each other what monopolies have been doing to their would-be competitors for years.

Mad Cow?


 Click here to go to Human Descent
Click above to go to 'Human Descent.'

Learn Yer Kid Good

Click on the flag to see why...

The Home Of The Brave

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Stick It To The Telemarketers!

Click here

Click here.

Windows 11 update...

Windows 11

New Windows error codes released for upcomimg Windows 11


Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything

Winerr 001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly

Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)

Winerr 003 - RAM Depleted; Annex China (Y/N)?

Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error Required. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error

Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; Disk Erased to Make Room for Filename

Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash

Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "iMAC" Prohibited

Winerr 008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy

Winerr 009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors

Winerr 00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered, Not Our Fault. Really.

Winerr 00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement

Winerr 00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time, That's 1.

Winerr 00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found

Winerr 00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize

Winerr 00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors

Winerr 010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead

Winerr 011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use Microsoft Edge

Winerr 012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated

Winerr 013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down

Winerr 014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue

Winerr 015 - Error Message Deleted

Winerr 016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence

Winerr 017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused

Winerr 018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations

Winerr 019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue

Winerr 01A - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted

Winerr 01B - Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted

Winerr 01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.

Winerr 01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota

Winerr 01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here

Winerr 01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait....

Winerr 020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember

Winerr 021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error

Winerr 022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything

Winerr 042 - Error Explaining Meaning Of Life. Sorry You Have To Buy The Book.

Winerr 666 - TRUMP Virus Found. Hit Enter For Global Thermonuclear War

biarn teirwsts

Spark up the ol' gray matter!

1) The Elder Twin

One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How come?

2) Manhole Covers

Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?

This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.

3) The Deadly Party

A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

4) Trouble with Sons

A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?

5) The Man in the Bar

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.

This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.

Click here for the answers.

Sidewalk Art

How DO they do that???

Keep in mind that this is NOT a hole!
Flat sidewalks! WOW!To see more, click here.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

I wish I had known..

I wish I had known..

Click here.

The Puzzle Pitt

Enter The Puzzle Pitt

Click above to put the Pitt back together! You need Internet Explorer to do these puzzles.

Have You Ever Wondered... Why are they called apartments?

from WONDEROPOLIS.ORG
Apartments - photo credit WONDEROPOLIS.ORG

What kind of place do you call home? Is it a house? A condominium? An apartment? Something else entirely?

Today, Wonderopolis takes a closer look at a special kind of home called an apartment. Apartments are complete homes that occupy only part of a larger building. If you've ever seen an apartment building in a large city, you know that a large building can contain hundreds of homes within it in the form of apartments.

Of course, if all those apartments are stuck together to form one big building, one might WONDER why they're called apart — ments! And that's a great question! The word “apartment" comes from the French word appartement and the Italian word appartimento, both of which mean “a separated place."

If you think about it, it makes sense. Even though all the apartments within a single building are indeed stuck together, they are also apart from each other. Each apartment is a separate residence apart from the others!

Apartment buildings are often owned by a single owner who then rents out the individual apartments to people who are called tenants. Apartments that are owned by their tenants are often called condominiums. In Great Britain, apartments are usually called “flats."

Apartments are usually defined by the number of bedrooms they have. A one-, two-, or three-bedroom apartment obviously has the corresponding number of bedrooms.

Some small apartments, however, have one main room that serves as the dining, living and bedroom combined. These apartments are called studio, efficiency, or bachelor apartments.

People who live in apartments usually share certain common areas with the others who live in the same building. These common areas can include lobbies, laundry facilities, mail rooms, and even swimming pools or exercise facilities.

Apartments have been around for a long time. Ancient Rome and Egypt both featured large apartment buildings. The need for apartments arose as cities became larger and populations grew. Urban areas simply don't have enough real estate for everyone to have a house.

Many people prefer to live in apartments rather than houses, too. Apartments generally are easier to maintain than houses, since many of the maintenance functions are taken care of by the owner of the apartment building. Apartments also often allow people to live in the heart of a city where houses tend to be very expensive.

Many apartment buildings also offer better security in the form of doormen and alarm systems. In larger cities, this added security can give apartment tenants peace of mind.

*Wonderopolis.org