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Sunday, February 12, 2017

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

I Want To Take His Place
A lawyer phones the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!” exclaims the lawyer.

The governor’s assistant wakes the governor and hands him the phone. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbles the governor.

“Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” begs the attorney.

“Well, it’s okay with me if it’s okay with the undertaker,” replies the governor.
The Not Stolen Car
A man had been in a meeting that lasted all afternoon and as he walked out, he was tired and just wanted to go home. He reached into his coat pocket and realized his car keys were missing. He looked around but could not find his keys. He went outside to look in the car and discovered his car was gone too.

His car had been stolen. So he called the police, they came and took a report, and then the man called his wife to see if she would be able to come pick him up. She answered the phone and he told her the upsetting news. "Honey, you’re not going to believe this but my car was stolen while I was in the meeting."

There was a long pause, "I dropped you off at your meeting today. I have the car!" she said.

"Oh, that's right! I can't believe I forgot that. I'm glad the car is okay. Well, will you still come back and pick me up?"

She said, "Yes, of course I will. As soon as I convince this cop the car is not stolen."

Real Pearls
Two older women who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said the first woman "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied the second woman.

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled the first woman.

The second responded, "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."
Change for A Twenty
A woman who ran to the mall for a quick errand lost her purse, but an honest teenage boy returned it to her.

The woman looked inside her purse and remarked, "That's strange. Earlier I had a $20 bill inside, but now it's gone, and instead I see two fives and a ten."

"That's right," the boy explained. "The last time I found a lady's purse, she did not have change for a reward."

Color Does Matter
A 5 year old kid opened his birthday present to find a new toy car. He went up to his father who had just finished dying his hair. The kid was upset. “Dad, I wanted a red toy car and not a blue one.”

The father replied, “A car is a car. Red or blue, color doesn’t matter.”

The kid said, “Then dad, hair is hair. White or black, color doesn’t matter.”

Please Answer the Question
The lawyer was cross-examining a witness. “Isn’t it true,“ he began, “that you were given $5000.00 to throw this case?”

The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction, the same no response. Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”

“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I'm sorry your honor. I thought he was talking to you.”

Are We Dangerous?
Two snakes are walking down the street. "Oh man, I have to ask you something!" the little one said.

"What is it?" replied the other snake.

"Are we poisonous?"

The other one replied, "Of course we are, why?"

"Because I just bit my lip."

It's the Hat
A Policeman stops a speeding car and tells the woman driver, "When I saw you driving down the road, I thought to myself, 'sixty-five at least.'”

"SIXTY-FIVE!" shrieked the woman.

"Yes, sixty-five."

"I don’t think that is quite fair. I think this hat makes me look older."
A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he's sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo."

The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Thinking the other man's drink may be a specialty of the house, he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too."

The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink and the customer takes a big drink. "Hey," he says. "This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"

The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water. Right, Lou?"
Forgotten Hotel Room
A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat.

After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, "My name is Henry Davis, can you please tell me what room I am in?"

"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."
The Brave Wife
A husband and wife entered a dentist's office. The wife said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or novocaine because I am in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”

“You are a brave woman,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.”

The wife turns to her husband and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”
Following Directions
Two friends were going on a road trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid close attention to the road signs along the way.

They'd driven 30 miles when they saw one that read, "Clean Restrooms Ahead".

Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned: 450.

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