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Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners


Haeeya!
Telling the Truth
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand and hand these days. I wasn’t surprised when one of my daughter’s friends showed me a delicate little Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don’t tell my parents," she begged.

"I won’t," I promised. "You're 18 now, so I guess it's your choice. By the way, what does that stand for?"

"Honesty," she said.
HYUK!
I'll Trade You
During the trade wars of the 18th century, bartering was quite common among seafaring merchants who needed laborers to load and unload their wares at each port. They were willing to trade just about anything to get strong, loyal workers.

At one port, the captain of a merchant ship had his eye on a well-built, muscular potential addition to his crew, whose name was Anwar. He approached Anwar's owner.

"I'll trade you 50 pounds of course-grained igneous quartz rock for Anwar," he proposed.

"What do you think about the offer, Anwar?" his owner asked him.

"If you ask me," Anwar replied," I don't like being taken for granite!"

HYUK!
More Than Girls
In fourth grade, my son had a huge crush on a classmate. So for Valentine’s Day, he bought her a box of chocolates and took it to school. When I returned home from work, I found him on the couch eating the same box of candy.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Well, I thought about it for a long time," he said between chews. "And I decided that, for now, I still like candy more than girls."
HYUK!
The Anniversary Gift
On their 25th wedding anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.

After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," the husband responded, "we could vacuum."

HYUK!
The Headache Suit
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. As her dad donned his tuxedo she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”

“And why not, darling?” he asked.

“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

HYUK!
The Subject At Hand
A bank robber pulls out a gun, points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!"

The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'"

The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

HYUK!
I Don't Trust Apps
I don't trust those internet and TV ads about apps. They say they are free, but how do I know I'm not getting charged hidden fees after I download them?

Do they really do what they say they're going to do? And all those gigabytes they use up! I just feel very uneasy when it comes to this kind of cell phone technology.

I guess that makes me… app-rehensive?

HYUK!
Smart Dog
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

"That is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not really," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
HYUK!
My Mother Had Three Kids
A man went to New York on a business trip. When the trip was over, he took a cab to get to the airport. The cab driver decided to have a little fun at the man's expense, so he asked, "My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third?"

The passenger had no idea. The driver replied, "The third one was ME!"

The man went home to his wife and said to her, "Hey honey, here's a riddle for you. My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third one?"

His wife was stumped and said, "I don't know, who?"

The man responded, "Believe it or not, some cab driver in New York."
HYUK!
Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
HYUK!
Smart Eyes
A first-grader came to the ophthalmology office where I work to have his vision checked. He sat down and I turned off the lights.

Then I switched on a projector that flashed the letters F, Z and B on a screen. I asked the boy what he saw.

Without hesitation he replied, "Consonants."
HYUK!
A Daughter Named Susan
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake. "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied. "I didn't think you'd be this mad."
clapping

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