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Thursday, May 25, 2017

A Couple of funnies!

Men are like...

-Laxatives - They irritate the shit out of you
-Bananas - The older they get, the less firm they are
-Vacations - They never seem to be long enough
-Weather - Nothing can be done to change them
-Blenders - You need One, but you're not quite sure why
-Chocolate Bars - Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips
-Commercials - You can't believe a word they say
-Department Stores - Their clothes are always 1/2 off
-Government Bonds - They take soooooooo long to mature
-Mascara - They usually run at the first sign of emotion
-Popcorn - They satisfy you, but only for a little while
-Snowstorms - You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last
-Lava Lamps - Fun to look at, but not very bright
-Parking Spots - All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

Woo! Hoo!

Ode To The Southern Family

Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the maters worse,
although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
then that also made him brother
to the widow's grown-up daughter
who, of course, was my stepmother.

Father's wife then had a son,
who kept them on the run.
And he became grandson,
for he was my daughter's son

My wife is now my mother's mother
and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
she's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
then I am her grandchild.
And every time I thank of it,
it simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

Woo! Hoo!

CONFUSCIOUS SAY

CONFUSCIOUS SAY
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Canada Post Celebrates Canada's 150th Birthday

with a set of commemorative stamps
Canada 150 Commemorative Equal Marriage Stamp

Their Latest Unveiling: Marriage Equality
The long road to marriage equality culminated in the 2005 passage of the Civil Marriage Act, which made Canada the fourth country to grant same-sex couples the right to marry the one they love.

Canada is among the first countries in the world to have extended legal rights to all couples.

The Marriage Equality stamp is the fourth stamp in a set of 10 that Canada Post is issuing to celebrate Canada’s 150th year since Confederation. The stamp honours the passing of the Civil Marriage Act, the federal legislation that made marriage equality the law across Canada.
With the passing of the act in 2005, Canada became the fourth country in the world and the first outside of Europe to extend to its citizens the right to marry the one they loved.

Today, with support continuing to grow across the globe, more than 20 countries have legalized same-sex marriage on the national level. However, for many in the LGBTQ community, the conversation around and the fight for equality continues.

more at CanadaPost.ca

How Old Is an "Antique?"

by Pamela Wiggins, TheSpruce.com

Defining an Overused and Misunderstood Term

Elizabeth Belkina / EyeEm / Getty Images
Elizabeth Belkina / EyeEm / Getty Images
The term antique is used rather loosely among the masses, and often ends up reflecting the age of the person using it more than a hard and fast definition. To a teenager, for example, a kitchen gadget from the 1960s seems “antique," while a senior adult might see antiques as the many objects they used or saw in the homes of their parents and grandparents as a child.

In purist terms, however, and according to the "official" definition issued by the United States Customs Service, antiques have traditionally been considered items with at least 100 years of age under their belts.

That means the scale slides every year as more objects grow older and fit into that time frame.

Even so, this can still be a controversial topic, even among antiques dealers, authors, and appraisers.

Differing Opinions Among "Experts"

Of course, you can ask a dozen different antiques "experts" what an antique is and you'll get a number of different answers. There have actually been heated debates on this topic when groups of antiques experts have gathered together and were asked the question: what is an antique?

Some experts look more at high style and uppercrust design when deeming an object to be antique. They see antiques as "masterpieces" of design and of only the highest quality. With this assessment, everything from primitive furniture of all ages to faceless Amish rag dolls from the late 1900s would not be considered antique regardless of the rarity of the item. Many other experts disagree with these folks, including the author of this article.

One way to look at this conundrum is the dividing line drawn where styles dramatically changed from a old-fashioned look toward the modern. Hemlines were shortened and simplified, and angular Art Deco design was the all the rage during the 1920s moving into the 1930s. These fashion and design developments with a forward-thinking bend, among others during this transitional period, provide a stark contrast to the elaborate styles seen during the Edwardian, Victorian, and Colonial periods witnessed in previous decades to centuries.

With this in mind, one viewpoint is to see items made prior to 1920 as antiques and newer pieces as "collectibles." The antique scale continues to slide in terms of the actual age of these objects as we move forward through the calendar, however. As soon as we ring in 2020, all of these objects will be considered antiques by the U.S. Customs Service definition so widely followed in the field.

more at TheSpruce.com

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

6 Reasons to Play Golf

Reasons to Play Golf

Reasons to Play Golf

Reasons to Play Golf

Reasons to Play Golf

Reasons to Play Golf

Reasons to Play Golf

NEW YORKTON, SASKATCHEWAN DRIVING APPLICATION

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in Yorkton, here is a copy of the Yorkton Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Yorkton, you may not have realized that the Saskatchewan Government has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Yorkton Area.

YORKTON AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name, as listed on your birth certificate:___________________ Nickname, as everyone in the neighborhood calls you:________________

No Fault or Tort:___________________
Attorney:_______________________

DWI counsellor's name:_________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___unsure____neither

*If Ukraininan, indicate hat size: _______

Will the size of your hat hinder your ability to safely operate a
motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone:________________
*If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:____________________

Please check hair color:

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Chokecherry Blonde
Males: [ ] Blonde [ ] Bald
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] all

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)

[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Tim Hortons coffee
[ ] Applying make-up (male or female)
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Tanning
[X] Looking for MacLeod's(already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading "Prevention" magazine [ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading

Please indicate how many times:

a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you have been convicted of driving over.08/refusing to blow/driving while disqualified __/__/__

If you are the victim of a cartheft, you should immediately:

a) Call the police to report the crime.

b) Call The Fox to report the crime, then hear Alex and Mikey make fun of your car.

c) Use command start remote in case you just forgot where you parked

d) Call your DWI counsellor for a ride home (again).

In the event of an hail, you should:

a) stop your car.
b) keep driving and hope for the best.
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) flip to GX to hear the wheat futures go down.If a traffic light turns yellow, you should:

a) never drive over 5 MPH.
b) drive twice as fast as usual.
c) you're not sure what "traffic light" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?

a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Estrogen
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) Aricept
h)All of the above
i) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:

a) Less than 5 min

b) 5 min

c) 6 min

d) 7 min

e) none

*If more than 7 min, please explain:____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:

a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form
ready.
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the Smith Street.
c) distract them by pulling into the Tim Horton drive thru.

When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:

a) using your directional signals.
b) what is a "directional signal"?

Which part of your car will wear out most often?

a) the wiper blades.
b) the belts.
c) the horn.
d) (Shocks) supension.

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:

a) dark, poorly lit roads.
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way.
c) headlights?

Your rear view mirror is for:

a) watching for approaching cars.
b) watching for approaching police cars.
c) checking your hair.
d) fixing your make-up.

Dogz n' Kidz

Dog and Child

Dog and Child

Dog and Child

Dog and Child

Dog and Child

Dog and Child

Dog and Child

Condoms and Camels

Condoms Camel Cigarettes
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Memories

Memories
A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street, A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone, And no need for recording things, someone was always home.

We only had a living room where we would congregate, Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine, When meeting as a family those two rooms would work out fine.

We only had one TV set, and channels maybe two, But always there was one of them with something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip, And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to cook, And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book.

The snacks were even healthy with the best ingredients, No labels with a hundred things that make not a bit of sense.

Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play, We all did things together -- even go to church to pray.

When we did our weekend trips, depending on the weather, No one stayed at home because we liked to be together.

Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own, But we knew where the others were without our own cell phone.

Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star, And nothing can compare to watching movies in your car.

Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season, Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know, Have real action playing ball -- and no game video.

Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend, And didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend?

The way that he took care of you or what he had to do, Because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you.

Remember going to the store and shopping casually, And when you went to pay for it you used your own money?

Nothing that you had to swipe or punch in some amount, Remember when the cashier person had to really count?

Remember when we breathed the air, it smelled so fresh and clean, And chemicals were not used on the grass to keep it green.

The milkman used to go from door to door, And it was just a few cents more than going to the store.

There was a time when mailed letters came right to your door, Without a lot of junk mail ads sent out by every store.

The mailman knew each house by name and knew where it was sent; There were not loads of mail addressed to "Present Occupant."

Remember when the words "I do" meant that you really did, And not just temporarily 'til someone blows their lid.

T'was no such thing as "no one's fault; we just made a mistake," There was a time when married life was built on give and take.

There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take, And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.

They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile; They were streamlined, white walls, fins, and really had some style.

One time the music that you played whenever you would jive, Was from a vinyl, big-holed record called a forty-five.

The record player had a post to keep them all in line, And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today, And always we were striving, trying for a better way.

And every year that passed us by brought new and greater things, We now can even program phones with music or with rings.

Oh, the simple life we lived still seems like so much fun, How can you explain a game, just kick the can and run?

And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes, And for a nickel red machines had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways, I love the new technology but I sure miss those days.

So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same, But I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.

The Kilt

The Kilt


...so... now you know Haha!

Roger Moore - 007 with an Eyebrow!

Roger Moore's Eyebrows

KEWL! Click above. Why this exists? Only the author knows for sure...

Roger Moore, star of 7 James Bond films, dies at 89

By The Associated Press, from Click2Houston.com
Roger Moore, Dead at 89
LONDON - Roger Moore, the suavely insouciant star of seven James Bond films, has died in Switzerland. He was 89.

The British actor died Tuesday after a short battle with cancer, according to a family statement posted on Moore's official Twitter account.

"We know our own love and admiration will be magnified many times over, across the world, by people who knew him for his films, his television shows and his passionate work for UNICEF, which he considered to be his greatest achievement," the statement said.

Moore's relaxed style and sense of whimsy, which relied heavily on the arched eyebrow, seemed a commentary on the essential ridiculousness of the Bond films, in which the handsome British secret agent was as adept at mixing martinis, bedding beautiful women and ordering gourmet meals as he was at disposing of super-villains trying to take over the world.

"To me, the Bond situations are so ridiculous, so outrageous," he once said. "I mean, this man is supposed to be a spy and yet, everybody knows he's a spy. Every bartender in the world offers him martinis that are shaken, not stirred. What kind of serious spy is recognized everywhere he goes? It's outrageous. So you have to treat the humor outrageously as well."

While he never eclipsed Sean Connery in the public's eye as the definitive James Bond, Moore did play the role of secret agent 007 in just as many films as Connery did, and he managed to do so while "finding a joke in every situation," according to film critic Rex Reed.

The actor, who came to the role in 1973 after Connery tired of it, had already enjoyed a long career in films and television, albeit with mixed success.

--more at Click2Houston.com

33 Reasons To Smile

Happy Face
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

4. Some people are alive only because its illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.

11. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

14. God must love stupid people; he made so many.

15. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

16. It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

17. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

19. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup crew.

20. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.

21. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

22. Procrastinate Now! (I do this well)

23. My dog can lick anyone!

24. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

25. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

26. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

27. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

28. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

29. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

30. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

31. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory on your computer.

32. HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

33. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Coffee, Anyone?

Coffee Anyone? Click here to start

Follow these instructions:

1. Choose your language and Put the coin in the slot

2. Choose the drink you want

3. Click on the cup after it fills

4. Click on "Open" or "Apri"

Click here or on the picture to start.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Grandma's Apron

Grandma's Apron The use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a holder for removing hot pans from the oven; it was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken-coop the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids; And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled it carried out the hulls. In the fall the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes.

Does Your Day Ever Feel Like This?

Hey Buddy... I wanna help ya!


Money
Money

It can buy a house
house
But not a home
Money

It can buy a clock
Clock
But not time
Money

It can buy you a position
Money

But not respect
Money

It can buy you a bed
Bed
But not sleep
Money

It can buy you a book
Bed
But not knowledge
Money

It can buy you medicine
Medicine
But not health
Money

It can buy you blood
Blood
But not life
Money

So you see money isn't everything
Money

And it often causes pain and suffering
Money

I tell you this because I am your friend
Money

And as your friend I want to
Money

Take away your pain and suffering!!

So....
Money

Send me all your money
Money

And I will suffer for you!

Cash only please

THE "F" WORD:


Friday - My second favourite F word
When is @#$% Acceptable? There are only ten times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

10. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

9. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 


8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938 

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want! WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1999

and a drum roll............! ....

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."

-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003