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Monday, April 18, 2016

Well, it made me smile...

Chinese Food
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the Chef's Special Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Jesus, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees the two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

"Well sir", says the waiter, "What did you order?" "We both chose the same", he replies, "the Chicken Surprise" Oh I do apologise, this is my fault" says the waiter, "I've brought you the Peking Duck".

You Cant Please Everyone
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding. The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

Kiss your ass goodbye.
Have A Nice Day & Be Careful


The Old Couple
An old couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the village. "What a peaceful & loving couple!"

A young women was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to when we first got together, " explained the man. "We took a trip by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"Just down the road a little further as my wife was taking a drink of water, the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a gun from her pack and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

Italian bread
Thank God For Italian Bread !!
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf it'll be hard?"
He replied, "Holy crap...! Everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but ME....!"

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