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Friday, October 30, 2015

Flashback! Just in time for Halloween!

The Wacko-Jacko Mask

Well kiddies, I've got some chilling news for ya! Those merciless merchants of the macabre over at Fright Catalog have been kind enough to provide I-Mockery with all sorts of Halloween goodies to feature this year! I tell ya, there's nothing like having the UPS guy come up to your door before October with a big box that has Fright Catalog stamped all over it. I could tell by the look on his face that he thought some cult activities were possibly taking place inside my home. Good, maybe that'll scare him enough so that he doesn't deliver my packages to the wrong place again.

Wacko-Jacko

Anyway, the first Grab Bag item we've got this year is probably one of the creepier masks you'll find out there. I'm sure it's meant to be taken lightheartedly, but in all seriousness, the thing is pretty hideous.

Wacko-Jacko

Yep, that's supposed to be Michael Jackson, and let's be realistic here for a sec... even he doesn't look that bad. Then again, maybe the creators of the mask (Morbid Industries in case you're interested) have some way of looking into the future. If that's the case, I'd love to know what made the huge gash on his right cheek and why he's now apparently being quite liberal with applying bright red lipstick.

Wacko-Jacko

I almost think people wouldn't recognize it as Michael Jackson, and instead think you were dressed up as some kind of a psycho zombie she-male junkie prostitute. Er, scratch that.

A balding psycho zombie she-male junkie prostitute. Wacko Jacko appears to be losing a good chunk of his/her hair, which isn't making the ol' face look any prettier.

Wacko-Jacko

That's how the hair is attached to the mask. You know, I've never seen a "vagina knot" before, but hey, I guess there's a first time for everything.

Wacko-Jacko

Anyway, I wonder if putting on the mask will in fact make me feel like the king of pop. I mean, he can be the most disturbed individual you'll ever find... but he'll still always be the guy who made "Smooth Criminal", "Beat It", "Billie Jean" and "Thriller".

Sure enough, within minutes of putting on the freaky mask, I was moonwalking all over the place. My crotch wasn't used to being grabbed in such a violent fashion, but hey, I get lost in the moment. And speaking of lost...

Some of Michael's other problems emerged from within me. I simply couldn't help myself. There I was dangling an infant (who just happened to look like a doll, but trust me, it was a real baby) from a deadly height. What was wrong with me? Had I gone mad? NO! I JUST WASN'T FEELING PRETTY ANY MORE AND I NEEDED SOME ATTENTION OK? OKAY!???

Wacko-Jacko

Don't worry though, I quickly found a tube o' lipstick and made myself feel all better. Yes, I was pretty once again...


OH SO PRETTY!

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