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Sunday, June 28, 2015

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners


Haeeya!
Late Meetings
Mr. Trent always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four thirty on Friday afternoons.

When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained.

“I will tell you why … I’ve leaned that’s the only time of the week when none of you seem to want to argue with me.”
HYUK!
Life insurance policy
Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn.

While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn.

“We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”

“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”

HYUK!
Job Lingo
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.
HYUK!
The Lion Whisperer
Did you hear about the two explorers, Bob and John who were going through the jungle when a ferocious lion jumped out in front of them?

Bob whispered to John to keep calm. Bob asked John if he remembered what they had read in the book on wild animals.

“If you stand absolutely still and look the lion straight in the eye, he will turn tail and run away,” said Bob.

John said, “Fine. You’ve read the book, I’ve read the book, but has the lion read the book?”

HYUK!
A Bad Dream
An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream.

She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong.

She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." she asked him "if I died tomorrow would you get remarried?"

He said "sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely."

Then she asked "well would you two live in this house?"

He replied "sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage."

She asked again, angry now "well would she sleep in this bed?"

He snickered and said "yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of it."

She asked irately, "well would she use my golf clubs?"

He replied with a straight, serious face "No. She's left handed."

HYUK!
I Am Your Father
Two classmates were chatting in their lunch break... "I know how to get money real quick" says one,” how?"

"go to your dad and say, "I know the truth" and he'll give you money"

So the young boy went home and said "dad, I know the truth" and his dad gave him ten dollars and told him not to tell anyone 'the truth'.

He then went to his mother, " Mom, I know the truth” he said.

"Please don't tell your dad" she said and gave him twenty dollars.

Content with thirty dollars he went outside to go to the arcade and saw the milkman. "I know the truth,” he shouted out.

The milkman replied "Well come and hug your real father then"

HYUK!
Embarrassing Situations
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

HYUK!
Dogagram
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:

"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"
HYUK!
Quick Wit
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
HYUK!
The Way Pets Think
A dog thinks:

Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks:

Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
HYUK!
Work Terror, is this racist?
Building Security has notified us that there have been 5 suspected terrorists working at our office.

Four of the five have been apprehended.

Bin Sleeping, Bin Loafing, Bin Gossiping, and Bin Surfing have been taken into custody.

Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member Bin Working, in the office.

Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Working will be very easy to spot.

They thought they had apprehended Bin Working sitting at a desk, but it was actually Bin Surfing trying to impersonate Bin Working.
HYUK!
House Cleaning
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
HYUK!
Learning to Remember
Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
clapping

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