Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Denner are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House-wares. Get on it right away."
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fatal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Once again we cannot tolerate this behaviour in our store.
You KNOW this is a joke, right?