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Saturday, January 31, 2015

Holy Gas

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight.

"Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.





Three months later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some more weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.

"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.

A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.

He leaned over, looked into the carriage and said, "...Cute little fart."




Speaking of nuns......

Nice stools, ladies!


Let's Dance!

This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend.

Dear Bertha,

I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.

Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.

I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.

I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.

I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was. I'm guessing; I'll never know.

It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special.

Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift.

If you received this, it is because someone cares for you. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it takes right now to forward this, would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? I can tell you it certainly won't be the last.

Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, just to let them know that you're thinking of them.

"People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there."


Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

A Favourite Joke Of The Wizard's...

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass...

Friday, January 30, 2015

Kids and the Sea


A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.


This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)


Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)


If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent.
(Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7)


I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

Helga & Ole

Ole took Helga home with him and took off his shirt.

Helga says, "Ole, dat's some chest you have dare."

Ole says, "Helga, dat's a hunnert-seventy pounds of dynamite."

Next Ole took off his pants.

Helga says, "Ole, dat's nice calves you have dare."

Ole says, "Helga, dat's a hunnert-seventy pounds of dynamite."

Ole quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants.

Helga screamed and ran out the door. Ole put his clothes back on and ran after her.

Catching her, Ole said, "Helga, viy did you run out like dat?"

Helga says, "Vith all dat dynamite around, I taught it vas going to explode ven I saw how short da fuse vas!"

The Mother ‘Hood Official Video

There’s something going down on the playground. Don’t they know that everyone has their own way of parenting? But when it comes down to it, we’re all on the same side. Help us put an end to the judgment by sharing this video with every parent you know. Join the conversation on facebook #SisterhoodUnite

Something to discuss over your morning coffee...

Well, finally. Thank you targetmap.com, a website with customized data maps, for a long overdue look at penis sizes around the world.

But before you get all excited, let me just tell you that Asia does not fare exceedingly well.

According to this interactive map, all of the world's least well-endowed countries are located there, with South Korea bringing up the rear at 3.8 inches.

India and Thailand and Cambodia go head to head (to head), each coming in at a solid 4 inches.

China's little soldiers, ranking 4.3 inches on average, are a good match for the average Japanese Capt. Winkie (also 4.3).

But the real weenies seem to be in the Congo (7.1 inches), with Ecuador not far behind (6.9 inches). Canada fares awesome, and I can vouch for that!

Click on the map below:
 Click here to view teh map

Thursday, January 29, 2015

10 Most Extreme Body Parts (body parts, longest legs, longest nose ...

From the world's smallest waist --15 inches-- to the longest female beard, some of the most bizarre bodyparts world records. (body parts, longest legs, longest nose, Vivian Wheeler, female beard)

Cathie Jung: World's Smallest Waist --15 inches
Ccathie Jung: World's Smallest Waist -- 15 inches
Honestly, no Photoshop. Cathie Jung’s tiny waist measures just 15in (38cm), making her figure distinctly hourglass. The Queen of Corsets, as she has aptly named herself, has worn tight-fitting corsets for years to get there, and appears in the body parts section of the Guinness Book of World Records 2007. Whilst she currently holds the record for the smallest waist on a living person, the record for the smallest waist ever goes to Ethel Granger who had a wasit of just 13".

More sat oddee.com

20 strange foods to try before you die

from The Telegraph.co.uk

Snake wine, South-east Asia
snake wine
Next time you're complaining about the tepid chardonnay you've been served in a pub, just be grateful that you haven't been served a nice glass of snake wine. This popular beverage is believed to have important restorative properties in countries including China and Vietnam. It can either be made by steeping a snake in rice wine, or by mixing snake bodily fluids, such as blood, with the alcohol.

More at The Telegraph

Dover Police DashCam Confessional (Shake it Off)

AMAZING EXPANDABLE ‘FOLDING’ SHIPPING CONTAINER HOMES

from OffGrid.com

Shipping container homes are one of the most versatile modular steel building platforms available. When combined with modern technology they can make for some very cool home designs. Their use is not limited to shipping products. Shipping containers are modular and deployable. They are perfect shelter platforms for disaster scenarios, refugee housing, temporary shelters, homeless shelters, office space, strip malls, hotels, barracks, dorms, and apartments. Maximizing the use of space is a concern considering they are only 8 feet wide and 40 feet long. With a living area of only 320 square feet designing a building which uses space efficiently becomes a priority. But what if that was not a concern? What if you could create a large home in a small space by making the building expandable.

There are many different expandable homes on the market. The idea starting with RV’s and travel trailers which expand to produce more livable space inside. Taking this idea to an extreme was only the natural progression of architectural design and simply makes sense. Here are some great ideas for expandable shipping container home designs.

Watch this video to see a few cool folding homes.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

5 Biggest Feet in the World

From BiggestStuff.com

(Born) With feet bigger than an average newborn, these guys are bound to stand their ground very firmly.

If you think that someone you know has big feet, you might want to take a look at the list below.

We present you the Top 5 biggest feet in the world along with their their respective owners.


5. Carl Griffiths – 14.5 in (36.8 cm)

Carl Griffiths big feet

An astonishing UK size 21 feet (US size 21.5, Europe size 56) made Carl Griffiths from Trimsaram in South Wales the proud owner of biggest feet in the entire UK, and one of the biggest feet in the world.

Although Griffiths is 6’5” ins tall (195.58 cm), his feet are still very disproportional when compared to the rest of the body, which can clearly be seen in the picture below.

Carl Griffiths – 14.5 in (36.8 cm)

More at biggeststuff.com

6 Horrifying Modern Cannibals

Cannibalism, as repulsive as it is, can be understood in cases where consuming the deceased is an alternative to certain starvation. Those who eat human flesh by choice, however, tend to be the kind of people who will torture and murder to satisfy their curiosity. Be warned that some of the following links are disturbing.

1. DORANGEL VARGAS

Dorangel Vargas
Dorangel Vargas is known as "the Hannibal Lecter of the Andes". He was confined to a mental hospital in 1995 after the remains of a missing man were found in his home, but Vargas was released two years later. In 1999, police in San Cristobal, Venezuela again found human remains in Vargas' possession. This time, at least ten skulls and fresh entrails were found. Vargas admitted eating the bodies, but denied murder charges, saying the bodies were given to him. This statement led to conjecture that Vargas was being used to cover up an organ trafficking operation. Vargas was homeless and already known to be mentally unstable. During an interview, Vargas claimed that eating people was like eating pears. Vargas is confined to a mental institution.

View the rest at MentalFloss.com

The Carpet Doesn't Match The Drapes

***NSFW***
all I can say is "WOW!."

click here

Brian

Brian
Brian. The babe they called 'Brian',
He grew,... grew, grew, and grew--
Grew up to be-- grew up to be
A boy called 'Brian'--
A boy called 'Brian'.
He had arms... and legs... and hands... and feet,
This boy... whose name was 'Brian',
And he grew,... grew, grew, and grew--
Grew up to be--

Yes, he grew up to be
A teenager called 'Brian'--
A teenager called 'Brian',
And his face became spotty.
Yes, his face became spotty,
And his voice dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Brian and show
He was certainly no--
No girl named 'Brian',
Not a girl named 'Brian'.

And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see the boys
And go out and get pissed,
A man called 'Brian'--
This man called 'Brian'--
The man they called 'Brian'--
This man called 'Brian'!

;-)

Morning Coffee for Grandma...

Morning coffee for Grandma

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

SANDSTORM!

Click here

Click above to see the pictures! Awesome!

Stupid Pick-Up Lines

library card pick up line
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on his shirt)... Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

3. Nice ass... what time does it open?

4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best-looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Cocked Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

9. Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.

10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

13. You might not be the best-looking guy here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

14. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

15. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

16. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

17. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Easy Bottom?

19. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

20. My name is Mark... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

21. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

22. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

23. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

24. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anywhere you want to.

25. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

26. If you and I were the last men on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

27. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?

28. Dude, I'm an American Express lover... you shouldn't go home without me.

29. Do you sleep on your stomach? No...? Can I ???

30. Do you wash your jeans in Windex? ...because I can see myself in them.

New Album - Jeffery Straker

 Click here to read more and find out more about this inspiring artist!
Click above to visit Jeffery's site and find out more
From Jeffery: "Happy new year to you! I hope it’s started with gusto. I’m excited to be releasing new music in 2015 and my album ‘North Star Falling” is set to launch March 10. In advance of that, the first single will be released January 27. I’m looking forward to getting this music out to your ears. Stay tuned for more details, a list of national tour dates, and info on how to pre-order the album. Excited!"
Jeffery Straker
Jeffery Straker
The Wizard couldn't wait to lend an ear to Jeffery's latest single, "Like it's the Last One", from his upcoming album, North Star Falling. I immediately pre-ordered it. I can tell you, as far as I am concerned, this guy can do no wrong musically. Singer, songwriter, pianist, The trifecta of entertaining with unparalleled originality. I have been following Jeff for many years now, this guy has so much energy and imparts excitement into each and every 'story' told thru his music.

Pre-Order North Star Falling
Check him out. It will totally be worth it!

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...


-- ON LIKE, YOU HAD TO, LIKE, MOVE, TOO?!? --

I think the whole thing, memorizing lines and trying to, like, say 'em and still, like, do movement, all that. That was hard.

Olympic swimmer/reality TV star Ryan Lochte on the difficulties of making his acting debut playing himself on the TV show 90210



-- ON IT MIGHT BE KIND OF TOUGH … --

Have you, like this case, been in hospital, denied a drink of water, and subsequently died? Let us know.

radio host Jeremy Vine


-- FROM THE TECHNICALLY TRUE BUT … DEPARTMENT --

Family Feud host: Something a woman on a date would hate to find on her face.

Contestant:A booger.



-- ON SORRY, NOT REALLY --

There were a few mistakes to the copy of the meditation article in as much as it read "By isn't I mean everything that you can see and hear, touch, or smell, isn't means everything that is," and it should have read "By isn't I mean everything that you can see and hear, touch, or smell, means everything that is." Hopefully this will now be clear.

correction, New Age magazine



-- ON RÉSUMÉS, PROUD BOASTS ON --

• Accomplishments: sister once won a strawberry eating contest.
• Work well nude.
• Personal accomplishments: getting back together with my boyfriend upon his release from prison.

items on actual résumés

24 Incredibly Creepy Stories That Will Keep You Awake Tonight

If you know where to look, you can find creepy stories on Reddit that’ll scare the living hell out of you. Here are some of the eeriest ones you should challenge yourself to read alone in the dark.

1. Murder next door

“Some years ago I was staying at my parents place looking after their cat while they were away on vacation. At a little before five am one morning I was woken to the sound of the glass on their front screen door shattering, followed by pounding on the door. I went to the door to find out what was happening.

Long story short. One of the neighbors had a grown child living with them who had a psychotic break. He attempted to murder both his parents with a big butcher knife. His mom escaped and ran to my parents house. I let her in, of course. Her arms and hands were covered in defensive wounds and she had also been stabbed several times. She ended up surviving, her husband did not. The kid committed suicide.

Scariest part I didn’t even know was the scariest part until later. At the time I let the mom in, as I was closing the door I thought I saw someone else. I opened it thinking maybe it was the dad needing help, too. No one was there so I shut the door again and went back to helping the mom. A neighbour who’d been woken up by the noise and looked out their window told me that it was the son chasing his mom up my parents front steps that I had seen. He turned away after I closed the door and went back and killed his dad instead. If I had been 5 seconds later letting her in she likely would have been killed on my parents front door step. A couple seconds faster opening the door again and he still would have been there.

So yeah, that was pretty scary.”

Click here for 23 more stories!

Monday, January 26, 2015

8 Stories

8 ball
ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Safeway with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to her "I've changed my mind I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."


FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.

What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.


SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage.

The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister."

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.

One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT

Police in Radnor , Pennsylvania , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal collander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.

The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.

Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Hoax Busters - very informative


This is a fairly good site to check out those "send this to everyone you know" email scares that seem to arrive so frequently. The index gives a list of the old, and some of the new letters that are cirulating. I noticed that some of the outside links to info do not work, though. You can always check out these warnings before sending them on, as scaring your friends unnecessarily just isn't a good idea, because they all know where you live! HAHA!! Keep this handy for your own reference.

HOAXBUSTERS

Longevity Test

This is pretty interesting. Watch the age prediction on the top left of the screen change as you answer the various questions.

How long do you think that you will live? I am gone at 71. (My death clock says otherwise!)

Click below:

The Longevity Test

Youth Tell It Like It Is In New True Views Video Series

Do You Give a damn?



Sunday, January 25, 2015

All The News That's Fit??? To Print...

(1)Recent news item:

"Two Maine teenagers are in hot water after one was arrested on suspicion of skateboarding nude through the center of town while his friend videotaped the stunt. The boy allegedly skateboarded through a parking lot wearing only a strategically placed sock puppet last week. Police said the 18-year-old skated around for about 15 minutes. Police don't think any of it was very funny."

(2)As appearing in the Daily News Tribune (Boston?):

"WILLIAMSTOWN -- Professor Eva Grudin was about to lead her students into a discussion of whether an abstract painting was meant to invoke a certain part of the male anatomy when her class was interrupted by the real thing.

With no warning, two naked students barged into her Williams College lecture hall, struck a quick pose for the 150 students there, and ran out.

Nothing abstract here. Grudin and her students had just been streaked.

But this was no one-time prank by some drunken college students. It was yet another performance by two members of the Springstreakers, the latest unofficial student activity club at this elite liberal arts college.

"It's hard to get your bearings back and continue with your lecture after that," said Grudin, who let out a shriek that was followed by her students' laughter, then applause when the streakers stole everyone's attention from a slide projection of Robert Motherwell's vaguely phallic depiction of a bull.

With two weeks before the end of final exams, Grudin and many of the students on the prim 2,000-student campus in the Berkshires say the Springstreakers are offering just the kind of stress relief that so many need right now.

"It's amazing that they do this," said Mon Thach, a freshman who was streaked in Grudin's art history class late last week. "It was so funny, and everyone needs a good laugh like that at the end of the semester."

Springstreakers -- the name is a riff on Spring Street, which cuts through campus -- is the brainchild of Morgan Goodwin and Andy "Tex" Whinery, two skinny freshmen who say there's no bigger rush than dropping one's drawers and getting maximum exposure by running through a crowd.

"I haven't tried any hard drugs, but I have a feeling this is probably better," said Goodwin, a 20-year-old who claims he never did anything to attract so much attention to himself while growing up in Lake Placid, N.Y.

Since he and the 18-year-old Whinery -- who cut his streaking teeth in his hometown of Amarillo, Texas -- did their first nude dash through a freshman dormitory in December, they've staged about a dozen surprise streaks on the Williams campus.

Grudin's lecture was their first classroom appearance. They've also hit the library, several parties and an a cappella concert. And they're not without coconspirators.

The Springstreakers boast nine active members, all men except for one, and they're always looking to recruit new ones.

Before bombing through Grudin's art history class, Goodwin tried coaxing a few buddies into joining him and Whinery. There was plenty of interest, but no takers.

Membership requires a willingness to shed clothing and an ability to run quickly.

"A big part of our protocol is streaking while sober," Whinery said. "Being naked is nothing to be embarrassed about, and if you can only do it when you're drunk, then you can't do it with us. That's something we pride ourselves on."

So far, the Springstreakers haven't raised the ire of campus administrators.

"It hasn't impinged on our lives at all," Williams spokesman Jim Kolesar said. "I don't know that they've had any effect at all."

Streaking on college campuses, of course, is nothing new. As Grudin is quick to point out, she's seen plenty of streakers at Williams since she started teaching there in 1971.

"Their fathers were doing this in the old days," she said. "If they wanted to do something really funny, they'd get their fathers to do it with them now."

Goodwin doesn't pretend there's anything high-minded about running around in the buff, but if there is a social message he's trying to send, it's that the human body is nothing to be ashamed of.

"I feel the people we streak get something out of it," Goodwin said. "The most obvious thing is that they see something that's funny and blows their minds and will give them something to talk about at reunion in 10 years. But it gets to deeper things like people's ideas of sex and nudity and body image; things you might discuss in a classroom but now have a reason to talk about in a different setting."

So what does their audience think of the Springstreakers' body images?

"I was saddened to see only their backsides," Grudin said. "But they were nice backsides."

Rose Coloured Glasses

So, you say I see the world through Rose coloured glasses?
Perhaps, I should look at it through Green.....
green for all the jealousy that occurs when people are envious of another's accomplishments.
Or maybe red.....yeah! Red.....
to see all the anger people have and express and hurt others with.
Or maybe Black.....
black so I can hide behind this colour and choose not to see at all.
No I think I'd like Yellow.....
yellow to amplify the sun's rays on the beauty that nature provides.
Or just maybe rose. I think rose is a nice colour.
Rose.....
like a child with rosey cheeks from the cool breath of winter,
or a baby with rosey cheeks who's just awakened from a long nap.
Rose......
rose is a nice colour, it's simple.
And a rose is a most beautiful thing on this earth to see.
So why do you not look
through Rose Coloured Glasses?
Could it be you're afraid to see the
beauty of your world.


--Tina Thurston 1998.

Optical Illusions

Saturday, January 24, 2015

RIP - Toller Cranston Dead At 65

The Canadian Press

SAN MIGUEL DE ALLENDE, Mexico - Canadian figure skating has lost one of its legends.

Toller Cranston
Toller Cranston, a bronze medallist at the 1974 world championships and 1976 Olympics, died at his home in Mexico from an apparent heart attack, a Skate Canada spokesperson said Saturday. He was 65.

Cranston, a six-time Canadian senior men's champion, was known for his dramatic showmanship on the ice. While he never won an Olympic or world title, his unique artistic vision forever changed the sport.

Cranston was born in Hamilton, grew up in Kirkland Lake, Ont., and Montreal before settling in Mexico once his skating days were done.

He was also an avid artist and his work was exhibited in galleries and museums around the world.

Cranston won national titles from 1971 to '76 and placed second at the 1971 North American championships in Peterborough, Ont. He won Skate Canada International events in 1973 and '75.

He finished fourth at the 1975 world championships in Colorado Springs, and was fourth again a year later in Gothenburg, Sweden.

Cranston was 26 when he reached the Olympic podium at the 1976 Winter Games in Innsbruck.
Toller Cranston with my partner Dwight at the World's Figure Skating Championships in Calgary, 2006
Toller Cranston with my partner Dwight at the World's Figure Skating Championships in Calgary, 2006
He was later inducted into the Canadian Olympic Hall of Fame, Canada's Sports Hall of Fame, and was made an Officer of the Order of Canada in 1977.

In 1995, he received a Special Olympic Order from the Canadian Olympic Committee. Cranston was also an illustrator, author, designer, choreographer and sports commentator.

Autopsy results were pending. There was no immediate word on funeral plans.SAN MIGUEL DE ALLENDE, Mexico - Canadian figure skating has lost one of its legends.

Toller Cranston, a bronze medallist at the 1974 world championships and 1976 Olympics, died at his home in Mexico from an apparent heart attack, a Skate Canada spokesperson said Saturday. He was 65.

Cranston, a six-time Canadian senior men's champion, was known for his dramatic showmanship on the ice. While he never won an Olympic or world title, his unique artistic vision forever changed the sport.

Idiot Sightings


IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.


IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!


IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS


IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip Back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

The Simple Way To Start A Fire In The Snow

Written by: Rich M Extreme Survival, OffTheGrindNews.com

Wintertime is the hardest time to survive. A combination of the weather and the lack of readily available food have caused many a hearty soul to lose their lives through the years. Proper preparation and care are necessary to survive.

fire built in the snow
Image source: Lunaticoutpost.com
If there ever was a time when you need a fire, it’s when you’re stranded outside in the snow. As darkness falls, the temperatures can plummet, leaving you feeling as if you’re sitting in an icebox. Without a fire, this could lead to a very dangerous situation, one that could cost you the loss of some fingers and toes to frostbite or even the loss of your life.

Starting a fire can be especially difficult in the cold of winter. About the only thing harder is trying to do it in the middle of a rainstorm. There are two basic problems in the snow. The first is that snow melted by the fire turns to water, which can quench your flames and hard work. The second is that it is heat, not a flame, which causes fuel to burn. In the cold of winter, you actually have to raise the temperature of the fuel farther, so that it will ignite. This can make the fire start slower than normal.

--more at OffTheGrindNews.com

Das Salz-Wasserauto

The salt water car
ELECTRIC CAR POWERED BY SALT WATER: 920 HP, 373 MILES/TANK

It’s finally here folks and it is LEGIT.

Tesla eat your heart out, the Germans have created an electrical car powered by salt water. It has four electric engines and is FAST with some pretty sweet fuel economy for a sports car. Leave the Bugatti at home and stop by the beach to refuel.

Das Salz-Wasserauto

The recent announcement that the Quant e-Sportlimousine, which is a salt water powered car, has been certified for use on European roads is a big sign that the Oil Cartels are losing the energy war.

--more at the AEtherForce.com

Friday, January 23, 2015

Nikolaj Arndt, The Chalk guy is back

Don't forget, these are all flat drawings!

Nikolaj Arndt, The Chalk guy

Nikolaj Arndt, The Chalk guy

Nikolaj Arndt, The Chalk guy

Nikolaj Arndt, The Chalk guy

Nikolaj Arndt, The Chalk guy

Nikolaj Arndt, The Chalk guy

Nikolaj Arndt, The Chalk guy

Nikolaj Arndt, The Chalk guy

Cucumber, Banana and Tofu Explains How To Have Gay Sex

By Carlos Lopes

Queer as Folk is back! Well, not quite, but almost. Screenwriter Russel T Davies returns to the queer subject with a new series, Cucumber, Banana and Tofu. Davies is no stranger to queer subject matter or controversy. He defied Christian lobbyists in 1999 after they threatened him and Channel 4 regulators with complaints against airing gay sex on prime time television in the landmark series Queer As Folk. The series proved not to bring about the end of civilization and instead brought in about 3.5 milion viewers.


But times have changed. It's unlikely Davies's next big gay project Cucumber, Banana and Tofu will have the same reaction. After all, although we could use more of it, queer is all over television. Things are not like 16 years ago when the UK was still discussing ages for consent for gay sex. Today same sex marriage is both legal in the UK and growing in acceptance. Still, Cucumber, Banana and Tofu is quite an original idea.

The series is broken into a threesome: Cucumber, Banana and Tofu.

More at gaylife.about.com

Elk Mountains. I'm Part of the Tribe


Mountain biking video - cool!

No Pun In Ten Did...

I dream of Jeanie, She's a light brown hare.
Get out your pencil and paper. Answers are below Pun 10...

1. While vacationing in Paris, I thought I might enjoy this soft, creamy cheese, originally from Normandy; however, I found I ___________ it. What name of a cheese made from cow's milk and given to French soldiers of World War I would create a pun when put into the above blank?
a) Gruyere
b) Madredet
c) Beaufort
d) Camembert

2. Obviously, I was still hungry, so I set about finding something else I could eat. I had a hankering for fish and visited a local seafood restaurant. The waiter informed me I'd come to the right plaice and offered me the catch of the day. After I took a moment to mullet over, I decided to try it just for the ____________. Which word below, considered the largest of the flatfish and popular with Catholics, would create a pun when inserted into the blank above?

a) tuna
b) turbot
c) sole
d) halibut

3. I eventually left the restaurant, strolled down the avenue, and came to a pet shop that caught my attention. Upon entering it, I was curious about a creature that looked somewhat like a lizard. I inquired about it of the store's clerk and was informed that this animal was not for sale, was not a reptile at all, and interestingly could regenerate various parts of its body as well as secrete potent toxins from its skin. The clerk told me its name was Tiny, and when I asked why, he said, "Because it's my ______." What animal name below fills this blank to create the appropriate pun?

a) newt
b) salamander
c) toad
d) caecilian

4. I then asked the clerk about a large cat that seemed to have free range of the store but was currently sleeping on the seat of a recliner. He informed me, "This feline was a gift to me from a visitor from China, and I call him _________________." Fill in the blank with the name of an individual who was a wealthy farmer's son who eventually became a revolutionary and the founding father of the People's Republic of China.

a) Chiang Kai-shek
b) Longqing Emperor
c) Sun Yat-sen
d) Chairman Mao

5. I left the store and came to a bar, where I saw a sign that all people of the medical profession could drink for free. Luckily, I am a doctor, so I entered, informed the bartender of my occupation, and told her I'd like a daiquiri. Interestingly, she crushed up some large nuts and mixed them with the sugar, lime juice, rum, and crushed ice. I asked what she called this concoction, and she replied, "It's __________ daiquiri, doc." The blank should be filled with the name of a tree whose wood was once used frequently for baseball bats and is currently used for its flavoring of smoked or barbecued meats.

a) a walnut
b) an acorn
c) a chestnut
d) a hickory

6. Feeling refreshed, I decided to entertain myself at the local zoo. While there, I passed a man eagerly standing and watching a large exhibit filled with various antelope. Though he held a camera as if he were ready to shoot, he was taking no pictures. Around five o'clock, I was leaving the zoo and saw the same man watching the antelope and taking no pictures. Curious, I asked him what he was doing. He cheerfully replied, "I'm waiting for the evening ______." Fill in the blank with the name of an antelope of southern Africa that is also referred to by another name derived from the Afrikaans language.

a) gnus
b) gerenuks
c) kudus
d) gemsboks

7. That evening I decided to take a tour of some of the city's older streets by riding in a horse-drawn carriage. The driver informed me that his horse was a genius as it had mastered math, physics, and history. However, he complained that the horse could not comprehend philosophy. I told him I thought that proved that you can't put __________ before the horse. Fill the blank with the name of a French philosopher known as the creator of analytic geometry and for never getting out of bed before eleven in the morning.

a) Abelard
b) Pascal
c) Foucault
d) Descartes

8. The next morning, I lay in bed late and read the daily newspaper. I read an article about someone who nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. The thief had masterfully broken into the museum and defeated all of its security measures but then was arrested only two blocks away after he foolishly allowed his Econoline to run out of fuel. In a statement, the thief remarked, "I had no __________ to buy ________ to make the ________." Fill in the blanks consecutively with the painter of "Haystacks", the painter of "After the Bath", and the painter of "Irises".

a) Renoir, Picasso, Da Vinci
b) Monet, Degas, Van Gogh
c) Pollock, Cassat, Gauguin
d) Dali, Durer, Caravaggio

9. Further into the newspaper, I read an article about a woman of an Anabaptist denomination who had been arrested for bigamy. Apparently, she liked two ____________. Which term below would complete the pun? It is a name used to denote an individual who belongs to a Christian sect known for its pacifism and founded by Simons of Friesland, a northwest section of The Netherlands.

a) Amish
b) Huguenot
c) Swedenborgian
d) Mennonite

10. After a late lunch, I returned to the bar where I'd had the daiquiri. However, this time I was in the mood for a different drink and requested the interestingly named Charles Dickens martini. The bar tender responded, "________________________?" To complete the pun, what is the title of Dickens' second novel, one that exposes society's cruel and exploitative treatment of children and one that was criticized as anti-Semitic because of Dickens' portrayal of a Jewish character?

a) David Copperfield
b) Oliver Twist
c) Great Expectations
d) Martin Chuzzlewit




1. Correct Answer: Camembert
I found I "camembert" it or I "cannot bear" it. The original Camembert cheese was created by Marie Harel in Normandy, France, in 1791. She used raw milk, but society's current health standards usually require that cheese be produced from pasteurized milk; thus, the Camembert that most people eat today is not true Camembert. After Camembert ripens through the use of the penicillium candidum fungus, it has a white rind that is meant to be eaten with the creamy interior cheese.

2. Correct Answer: halibut
I tried the fish for the "halibut" or for the "hell of it." The word "halibut" comes from the combination of the words "haly" (holy) and "butt" (flatfish), a term applied to the fish after it began to be quite popular with Catholics as a meal on various holy days. Another point of interest is that the halibut in its earliest stages of life has an eye on either side of its head; however, as the fish matures into an adult, one eye gradually moves to the other side of the head so that the fish looks like a typical flatfish with two eyes on one side. Meanwhile, if you can think of some better fish puns than those I used in the question, let minnow it.

3. Correct Answer: newt
While salamander would fit the description, particularly since newts are a particular kind of salamander, the word "newt" is the only word that completes the pun: the animal was named Tiny because it's "my newt" or "minute." The newt has cells that scientists believe are very similar to cells that would normally create tumors in human beings yet allow the newt to regenerate lost limbs and eyes as well as damaged spinal and cardiac tissue. Also, the newt's skin secretes toxins that serve as a defense mechanism against those predators that might consider making a meal of the creature. In fact, the rough-skinned newt's toxin is so potent that it would kill a human being if he or she ingested it. Interestingly, most garter snakes have developed a tolerance of the newt's toxicity and thus are one of the newt's only predators. By the way, the newt is, indeed, not a reptile but rather an amphibian that spends part of its life as an aquatic animal and has gills during its early stages of development. The word "newt" comes from the Old English term for the animal--"euft" or "ewt"; "newt" came about as more and more people blended the "n" from the article "an" that often occured in speech before the word "ewt."

4. Correct Answer: Chairman Mao
While the cat is sleeping in a recliner, referring to him as a Chairman seems appropriate, but, more significant is the pun on "Mao" or "Meow," the sound a cat is said to make. Mao Zedong (Tse-tung) was born the day after Christmas in 1893 and died in September of 1976. He was married four times and had ten children. Mao's father was a harsh disciplinarian and frequently beat his children. When Mao was thirteen years old, his father forced him to marry a seventeen-year-old girl so that the two families could unite their wealth for greater power and prestige; however, Mao, showing his revolutionary spirit even at a young age, refused to recognize the girl as his wife and ran away. Locally disgraced, the wife eventually died three years later. Of note, Mao's military strategy was influenced not only by Napoleon but also George Washington.

5. Correct Answer: a hickory
"A hickory daiquiri, doc" would create a pun of the line from the nursery rhyme "Hickory dickory dock." The hickory tree's wood is so strong and hard that it is frequently used for handles in tools, various carts, spokes in wheels, drumsticks, skis, and golf clubs. It was formerly used for baseball bats but has since been replaced by ash. Andrew Jackson was given the nickname "Old Hickory" because of his often perceived harsh and unbending personality. Interestingly, the hickory nut is not truly a botanical nut but rather a drupe, much like the fruit of a peach tree. The nuts of some species of hickory trees are tasty; however, many are rather bitter and serve better as an ingredient to various foods marketed for animals.

6. Correct Answer: gnus
The man with the camera appears to be waiting for the evening "gnus" or "news." The gnu is also known as the wildebeest, and there are two main varieties: the blue wildebeest (or the brindled gnu) and the black wildebeest (or the white-tailed gnu). Gnus are quite noisy creatures, apparently. They are known to make a variety of sounds, including moans and explosive snorts. They also make a groaning sound to indicate to other members of the herd that danger is nearby, at which the herd reacts by stampeding.

7. Correct Answer: Descartes
Putting "Descartes" before the horse is a pun on the expression "putting 'the cart' before the horse." Rene Descartes lived from 1596 to 1660 and is sometimes referred to as the father of modern philosophy. Not only were his mathematical theories essential to the eventual discovery of calculus, but his radical thinking caused him to become one of the primary influences during the scientific revolution. He refused to accept any previous teachings or the data gathered by his own physical senses as unquestionable and infallible. Of course, he is very widely known for the statement he believed must be used as the foundation or beginning of all other knowledge: "Cogito ergo sum" or "I think; therefore, I am." His works were at one point banned by the Catholic Church.

8. Correct Answer: Monet, Degas, Van Gogh
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh" or "I had no money to buy the gas to make the van go." Oscar Claude Monet, the French Impressionist painter, lived from 1840 to 1926. He is most famous for his "Water Lilies" paintings, and the term "Impressionism" is usually attributed to the title of his painting "Impression, Sunrise". Hilaire-Germain-Edgar De Gas was also a French Impressionist who lived from 1834 to 1917. Some of his most well-known works include "The Bellelli Family", "Woman with Chrysanthemums", and "Chanteuse de Café"; however, he is most associated with images of dancers as over half his paintings were on this subject. Vincent Willem van Gogh was a post-impressionist painter of Dutch origin but often associated with France. He lived from 1853 to 1890. He suffered frequently from mental illness and died from a gunshot wound, believed to have been self-inflicted though no gun was ever discovered. His most famous works include "Starry Night" and "Sunflowers" as well as many self portraits. The Impressionist painters are often credited with having saved painting as a form of artistic expression because the newly invented camera produced more accurate renderings of the visual world than any artist's hand might.

9. Correct Answer: Mennonite
The woman liked two "Mennonite" or two "men a night." Mennonites are named for their founder Menno Simons, who was a converted Anabaptist, someone who believed in being baptized again as an adult because he or she rejected baptism of infants and very young children because they were too young to make a voluntary decision to follow Christ. The Mennonite faith grew in popularity in The Netherlands during the sixteenth century, spread to Switzerland and Germany, and then to the United States and Russia. Of course, their churches can be found all over the world. Central to the Mennonite faith is a dedication to pacifism, simplicity, community service, and outreach of aid to those in need around the world. The Amish are a sect that eventually separated from the Mennonites because they believed that the followers of Christ should avoid interaction as much as possible with the majority of people in society so that they can remain focused on living a more spiritual life.

10. Correct Answer: Oliver Twist
"Oliver Twist" or "Olive or twist?" refers to two popular options for garnishing a martini: with an olive or with a twist of lemon. "Oliver Twist, or, The Parish Boy's Progress" was published as a serial in monthly installments from February 1837 until April 1839 and was published as a novel in 1838 under Dickens' pseudonym Boz. The central character, Oliver Twist, is an orphan who moves from a workhouse to employment with an undertaker to eventually roaming the streets of London with a group of orphaned children surviving as pickpockets. Their trainer is a man named Fagin, the Jewish character criticized for contributing to the continuance of negative stereotyping. The novel's inspiration more than likely came from two sources: a popular story about an orphan named Robert Blincoe who told of his misery as a child cotton mill worker and Dickens' own experiences as a child laborer working ten-hour days at Warren's Blacking Warehouse.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Miss Canada shows Hockey Pride at Miss Universe

Miss Canada, Chanel Beckenlehner
Miss Canada, Chanel Beckenlehner, poses for the judges, during the national costume show during the 63rd annual Miss Universe Competition in Miami, Fla., Wednesday, Jan. 21, 2015. (Getty)
Check out that impossible score

Death of a King - King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia
Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah, the powerful U.S. ally who joined Washington's fight against al Qaeda and sought to modernize the ultraconservative Muslim kingdom with incremental but significant reforms, has died. He was 90.

The Most Craziest Fart Story Ever!



Click above to read the rest of the story at Listicles.com

These People Died After Selfies (14 Photos)

Not sure of validity. Click on the image for more at The Listicles

A Flowchart to Determine What Religion You Should Follow

A Flowchart to Determine What Religion You Should Follow

Who am I?

Who am I?

In the beginning of a song, I was extolled for not being afraid to:

1. die
2. be killed in nasty ways
3. be mashed into a pulp
4. have my eyes gouged out
5. have my elbows broken
6. have my kneecaps split
7. have my body burned away
8. have my limbs all hacked and mangled, nor
9. have my head smashed in, my heart cut out, my liver removed, my bowels unplugged, or my bottom burnt off.

Who am I? Click here.