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Friday, February 28, 2014

"The Meanest Mother" - A Story


I had the meanest mother in the whole world. While other kids ate candy for breakfast, I had to have cereal, eggs or toast. When others had cokes and candy for lunch, I had to eat a sandwich. As you can guess, my supper was different than the other kids' also.

But at least, I wasn't alone in my sufferings. My sister and two brothers had the same mean mother as I did.

My mother insisted upon knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we were on a chain gang. She had to know who our friends were and where we were going. She insisted if we said we'd be gone an hour, that we be gone one hour or less--not one hour and one minute. I am nearly ashamed to admit it, but she actually struck us. Not once, but each time we had a mind of our own and did as we pleased. That poor belt was used more on our seats than it was to hold up Daddy's pants.

Can you imagine someone actualy hitting a child just because he disobeyed? Now you can begin to see how mean she really was.

We had to wear clean clothes and take a bath. The other kids always wore their clothes for days. We reached the height of insults because she made our clothes herself, just to save money. Why, oh why, did we have to have a mother who made us feel different from our friends?

The worst is yet to come. We had to be in bed by nine each night and up at eight the next morning. We couldn't sleep till noon like our friends. So while they slept-my mother actually had the nerve to break the child-labor law. She made us work. We had to wash dishes, make beds, learn to cook and all sorts of cruel things. I believe she laid awake at night thinking up mean things to do to us.

She always insisted upon us telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, even if it killed us- and it nearly did.

By the time we were teen-agers, she was much wiser, and our life became even more unbearable. None of this tooting the horn of a car for us to come running. She embarrassed us to no end by making our dates and friends come to the door to get us. If I spent the night with a girlfriend, can you imagine she checked on me to see if I were really there.

I never had the chance to elope to Mexico. That is if I'd had a boyfriend to elope with. I forgot to mention, while my friends were dating at the mature age of 12 and 13, my old fashioned mother refused to let me date until the age of 15 and 16. Fifteen, that is, if you dated only to go to a school function. And that was maybe twice a year.

Through the years, things didn't improve a bit. We could not lie in bed, "sick" like our friends did, and miss school. If our friends had a toe ache, a hang nail or serious ailment, they could stay home from school. Our marks in school had to be up to par. Our friends' report cards had beautiful colors on them, black for passing, red for failing.

My mother being as different as she was, would settle for nothing less than ugly black marks.

As the years rolled by, first one and then the other of us was put to shame. We were graduated from high school. With our mother behind us, talking, hitting and demanding respect, none of us was allowed the pleasure of being a drop-out.

My mother was a complete failure as a mother. Out of four children, a couple of us attained some higher education. None of us have ever been arrested, divorced or beaten his mate. Each of my brothers served his time in the service of this country.

And whom do we have to blame for the terrible way we turned out? You're right, our mean mother. Look at the things we missed. We never got to march in a protest parade, nor to take part in a riot, burn draft cards, and a million and one other things that our friends did.

She forced us to grow up into God-fearing, educated, honest adults. Using this as a background, I am trying to raise my three children. I stand a little taller and I am filled with pride when my children call me mean.

Because, you see, I thank God, He gave me the meanest mother in the whole world.

Parking Solution


Parkade in Germany...

German Parkade

German Parkade

Just make sure your schedule is not the same as the other 500 users!

Quotes from Famous People


Quotes "What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
--Tom Clancy


"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Steve Martin


"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Drew Carey


"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
--Woody Allen


"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Unknown


"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
--Rodney Dangerfield


"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Woody Allen


"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
--George Burns


"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
--Matt Barry


"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Camille Paglia


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns (90?)


"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--Henry Miller


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL convertible."
--P. J. O'Rourke

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
--Dr. Seuss."

The Unstoppable Virus


The Unstoppable Virus
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.


Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!
email 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!
Tech 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Who me?

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well darn!
Fat Bastard 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh no - not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!
Ol' Lady 8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!

Ol' Lady rocking IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Some Interesting Facts

Did you know ..........

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in their head.

People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heartstops for a mili-second.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so - apart from Bones).

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit

Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pastaswastikas.

In average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Rats and horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. if you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.

In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Cat's urine glows under a black-light.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

I figured as much!


Installing SPRING in Canada

Camilla Queen


Click here to watch the video

Click above

Listen to the mp3 here.

Use your 'Back' Button to return to 'OZ'


*If you would like the mp3, email me by clicking on the bear in the top left corner and I will send it to you.

What is it?


The following symbolizes something. Is it a metal? Is it a chemical? If you can't guess what it is, click on the picture and the answer will appear!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!


A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.

She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged-up-cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said ...

"Nope....You are!

I'm gonna burn down the Barn!"

*Thanks, Gary!

Top 10 Star Trek Movie Moments and MORE!



These are the scenes that boldly gone where no other has gone before. Welcome to WatchMojo.com and today we'll be counting down the Top 10 Star Trek movie Moments.


They're the baddest in the galaxy!




Exclusively episodes of the original 60's Star Trek Series. Phasers are for wimps. We count down the top 10 greatest of William Shatner's Captain Kirk

So Long Harold Ramis


So long Harold Ramis

My kind of bar!


urinals at the bar

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

A Cheap Bar!!!!



Four retired guys, two from Manitoba and two from Alberta are walking down a street in Phoenix. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timer's Bar" "ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!"

old men in a bar


They look at each other, and then go in. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the 4 men each asked for a martini.


In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." They can't believe their good luck.


They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and order another round.


Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.


They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.


Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"


"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime: wine, liquor, beer, all the same."


"Wow!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.


The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.


One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"


The bartender says, "They're seniors from Saskatchewan. They're waiting for happy hour."

Let me Google that for you. - Triple!


1. Reading one stanza a night, how long would it take to finish the first poem written using Spenserian stanzas?

I don't know. Google it.

One way to find the answer:

Go to Google and search [first poem to use Spenserian stanzas]. Find that Edmund Spenser first used it in his epic poem The Faerie Queene. Find also that every Spenserian stanza contains nine lines. Search [how many lines in The Faerie Queene] to find 36,000 lines. Use Google Calculator to divide [36,000/9]. Get ___ nights, or about ____ years.

2. The first president to be born as an American citizen learned English as a second language. What was his first?



I don't know. Google it.

One way to find the answer:

Go to Google and search [first president born American citizen] to get Martin Van Buren. Search [Van Buren’s first language] and learn it was ____, which he learned growing up in Kinderhook, New York.


3. A particular animal’s most distinctive feature makes it the fastest eater on land. It also makes it one of only two animals that can perform a certain feat underwater. What is that feat?



I don't know. Google it.

One way to find the answer:

Go to Google Images and search [fastest eater on land] to find images of the star-nosed mole. Search [star-nosed mole underwater] to learn that only this mole and the shrew have the ability to ____ underwater by blowing small bubbles, then sniffing them back into their noses to smell underwater scents.

The single most proven way to get smarter and happier


It's not even complex...

By Eric Barker, Barking Up the Wrong Tree, The Week

Say it with us: Exercise, exercise, exercise. (Sean Gallup/Getty Images)

Many of the fixes for our problems aren't complex — something that's clear in the things I recommend people do every day.

What's a scientifically validated way to get smarter, happier, healthier, and calmer? Stop reading this right now and go for a walk. It's that simple. Here's why.

1. Exercise powers the body — and the mind.

They used to say you don't grow new brain cells. They were wrong.

Click here to read the article.

*Thanks for the link, Gary

T.F.T.D**


mosquito

"It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence."

**Thought For The Day
*Thanks, Gary

Monday, February 24, 2014

Some Interesting Facts


Star In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

Star In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)

Star Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

Star The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")

Star There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world, that even comes close to this?)

Star In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Star Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

Star In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the First time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

Star In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

Star In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

Star Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Star Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

Star The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue...(Hummm.... I won't touch THAT one!)

Star The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)

Star Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.)

Star Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.)

And, the best for last.....

Star Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do you think they have bad breath?)

17 Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See...


Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called...they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

If you can read this..I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Hang up, Stop texting and drive!!

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See: 

Welcome to Canada...now speak English, or French, or Scottish, or Ukrainian, or Hebrew, or German, or Dutch, or.. well... You get the picture...

Harold Ramis, the Chicago born and raised actor, writer and director dead at 69


Harold Ramis dead at 69
Harold Ramis dead at 69


Filmmaker Harold Ramis, best-known for comedies “Caddyshack” “Stripes,” “Groundhog Day,” “National Lampoon’s Animal House,” “Ghostbusters” and Second City alumnus died early Monday morning at his home. His death was reported by Mark Caro of the Chicago Tribune.

Ramis was surrounded by family in his Chicago home, where he's lived since 1996, when he died early this morning from complications of autoimmune inflammatory vasculitis, his wife Erica Mann Ramis told the Chicago Tribune.

His rare disease involved a swelling of the blood vessels and the report adds that his health issues began in 2010. His condition was so bad in the past, the actor/writer/director had to relearn to walk.

Evil Sesame Street


Evil Sesame Street

Stress Management


Just in case you're having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended by one of the latest psychological texts. ...and it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. Even though your eyes are closed, you can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

8. See, you're smiling already.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

"OZ" Trivia - 2 parter


What was the name of Dorothy's dog?
What was the "real-life" name of this dog?

The Dog's names?

Click above for the answer

The Drunk, The Priest, and The Pope


A drunk man, who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of booze was sticking out of his coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked. "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with prostitutes; and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

One-Question IQ Test


Mute

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

Arrow


Blind man

He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.

I've got mine shutting down right now.

Churches in Las Vegas


This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to process these offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

Didn't see it comin' did ya?

Saturday, February 22, 2014

How To Sell A Toothbrush


The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!" Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"Shit on a stick"

Test your knowledge of numbers


The Count


The Wizard of 'OZ'  knows that he have readers of superior intellect, so I feel obligated on occasion to offer items that perhaps only they can truly appreciate. So I herewith present this post on Archimedes' Laboratory, which offers some fun facts about numbers. Click here.

*Archimedes Laboratory

Speedo - The next generation...


Speedo - The next generation...
Click on the picture for the larger version you can use as wallpaper.

Saskatchewan Quizzes!


Here are a fair number of Saskatchewan Quizzes. How well do you know the most easily drawn Province in Canada? Click on the picture to do the quiz.


Quiz 1
Quiz 2
Quiz 3
Quiz 4
Quiz 5

And THE MOST IMPORTANT QUIZ. The Saskatchewan Roughriders CFL Football Team. Note Question #5 in Quiz 6 does NOT include 2013:


Quiz 6