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Sunday, November 30, 2014

Meanwhile, Up In Canada...

The long john index
Meanwhile, up in Canada

The Longest Joke in the World

Warning: this is the longest joke in the world. The Wizard of 'OZ' cannot be held responsible for the part of your precious life you spend reading this joke. Scrolling down implies agreement with this term and condition. Many have said the end was worth the time. Some have cried, wondering how to get their life back. Good luck.


Lost in the Desert

Click here.

Click here for a downloadable PDF.

Was I Not Clear?

I asked my husband to help prepare supper. Told him to peel half the potatoes in the bag and put them in the pot of water! Where was I not clear?
Peeled 1/2 potatoes

I am a homosexual

I am a homosexual. Hath not a homosexual eyes? Hath not a homosexual hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, heal'd by the same means, warm'd and cool'd by the same winter and summer, as a heterosexual is?


If you prick us, do we not bleed?
If you tickle us, do we not laugh?
If you poison us, do we not die?
And if you wrong us, do we not revenge?
If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Onions and Christmas Trees

A family is driving through town. The son looks over and asks his father, Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kinds of boobs?"

Surprised, the dad answers, "Well, sure, son, we wouldn't be normal ¹ if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age.

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"

"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."

Not to be outdone, the daughter asks their mother, "Mom, how many kind of boy thingies are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases.

In a man's twenties,a "mans" boy thingie is like an oak, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.... after his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, dried up, and the balls are only there for decoration."

¹ Italics are mine.

First Christmas joke of the year....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's"!

A day without laughter is a wasted day.

Well? You Know Ya Wanna...

The home of The Brave

Click Above To Find Out.

So YOUR'E Lonely?

Lonley

Friday, November 28, 2014

Two Priests


Two priests die and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, Sorry, can't get you in at the moment. Computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but not as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest chooses to go back as an "eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"Done," says St. Peter, and asks the second his choice.

"With the computer down, this won't stay on record, right?" the priest asks.

"Right," says St. Peter.

"Great! In that case, I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter. "Off you go."


A week later, the computer fixed, the Lord asks St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Not a problem with the first," says St. Peter.

"He's soaring over the Rockies. But the second one could prove more difficult."

"Why?" asks the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatoon."

HYUK!

Puppies for sale

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups. And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.

"Mister," he said, "I want to buy "one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat of the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.

"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"

Puppies

"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.

Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....

"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.

Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.

"How much?" asked the little boy. "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."

The world is full of people who need someone who understands.

STAR WARS EPISODE 7 - The Force Awakens

UPDATE: I can't believe Star Wars fans think a black stormtrooper is wrong. Get with the times!

My Dog, Sex

Click here

Click Above.

Canadian joke. Binary, eh?

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Thursday, November 27, 2014

From The Weird Files - Ontario man facing 9 charges in foot-licking case

CTVNews.ca

An Innisfil, Ont. man has been arrested in connection with a series of sexual assaults involving women's feet.

The man is accused of several instances of licking women's feet and stealing their shoes.

Police allege that a man entered a Richmond Hill tanning salon on Nov. 19, and questioned a woman about her shoes. He asked if he could see one of her shoes up close, then smelled the shoe and fled with it.

An Ontario man accused of licking women's feet
and stealing their shoes faces several charges.
The next day, a man entered another Richmond Hill tanning salon and questioned a woman about her boots. He grabbed her leg, pulled off her boot and sock and licked her foot. He then left the salon with her boot and sock.

York Regional Police worked with South Simcoe and Barrie police to track down the suspect. They said that similar incidents had been reported in Aurora, Innisfil, and Bradford.

On Thursday, police said that Mattieu Petrin, 28, had been arrested. He faces four sexual assault charges and one charge of sexual interference with a person under the age of 16, three counts of theft under $5,000 and one count of robbery.

Anyone with additional information is asked to contact York Regional Police at 1-866-876-5423, ext. 7071 or call Crime Stoppers anonymously at 1-800-222-8477 (TIPS).

How clever are you?

These are pretty clever. Don't rush. Study each picture and try to determine what it represents, before looking at the answer below all the pictures at the bottom of the post with the corresponding letter.

Put on your thinking cap.

A) What is this
B) What is this
C) What is this
D) What is this
E)
F) What is this
G) What is this
H) What is this
I) What is this
J) What is this
K) What is this




A) Assaulted peanut B) eggplant C) Doctor Pepper D) pool table E) Tap dancers F) Card Shark G) I Pod H) Gator-Aide I) Knight mare J) Hole Milk K) Light Beer

How many did you figure out?
C'mon be honest!

Put your score in the comments!

These are the laws of the natural universe...

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support


Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create an empty New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I Exit without Saving?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my work?
A: Stop shaking it.

*Author unknown

The Absolutely Cool Jerome Murat!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Jurassic World - June 2015


The Wizard is there fer shure!!!!

CHOLESTEROPHOBIA...

Image hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.com   

FEAR OF FRYING!    

Is Windows Itself A Virus?

Is Windows A Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows
does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

ELF Snowball Fight
Try this for awhile...ELF Snowball Fight!!!!

Move mouse on to the people click and enjoy - Remember - Don't hit Santa !!!

POST your scores in the comments!

Click here.

Great way to start your morning!

wazzzle
No?

Monday, November 24, 2014

The Importance of walking


Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 90 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.


My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.


I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.


I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...


I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!


Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.


The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.


I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this post over to your friends, 
 But just e-mail it to them! It will save you the walk!

Ellen Found Some Interesting Toys

Let me Google that for you.


1. There may be 39 signatures on the U.S. Constitution, but there were only 38 signers. The absent delegate of which state had his name signed by a colleague?


I don't know. Google it.

One way to find the answer:

Go to Google and search [Constitution signer not present] to find John Dickinson among the delegates who did not sign the Constitution. Searching for [Constitution signed by proxy] shows that he gave George Read permission to sign for him. Search [John Dickinson delegate] to learn that he represented ________.

2. The radioactive element named after a U.S. state is one of the most expensive substances in the world. How much does it cost per gram?


I don't know. Google it.

One way to find the answer:

Go to Google and search [element named after state] to find californium. Search [californium cost per gram] to learn the answer is ___ ____________.


3. You’re standing atop the highest peak in the highlands known as the Roof of Africa. How many more feet would you have to climb to ascend the highest peak in Africa?

I don't know. Google it.

Go to Google and search [Roof of Africa highlands] and find this refers to the Ethiopian Highlands, whose highest peak is Ras Dashen, at 14,928 feet. Then search [highest peak in Africa] to find Mount Kilimanjaro at 19,340 feet. Use Google Calculator to subtract [19,340 - 14,928] and find that you’d need to climb another _________ _______.


The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands is open in New York City. Women can go there to choose a husband. Instructions at the entrance describe how the store operates: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. A shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So a woman goes in to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs. She's intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids. That sounds better, but she wants more and continues on. The next sign reads:

Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. She's excited, but feels compelled to keep going. That sign reads:

Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. Still, she goes up again, where the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Hot Hunks of Man-Flesh, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She almost stays, but is tempted by the sixth floor. The sign there reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. It exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Please Note : To avoid charges of bias, the owner opened a New Wives store nearby. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.."

"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said..

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.  "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

Dog Goldberg Machine by Beneful®

Wives

Is this politically correct or humour? Make a comment!


"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
--David Bissonette

"After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together."
--Sacha Guitry

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
--Socrates

"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, What does a woman want?"
--Dumas

"I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me."
--Sigmund Freud

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
--Anonymous

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
--Sam Kinison

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
--James Holt McGavra

"Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming?
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up."
--Patrick Murra

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...."
--Nash

"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to."
--Anonymous

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
--Henny Youngman

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine."
--Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel'!
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

NFL or NBA... Unreal (Truly is unreal as this is an urban legend according to snopes.com)

Don’t blame me for all the unfavorable statistics below ....on the other hand I am not surprised..
NFLNBA

Even if you aren't a sports fan this is very interesting!

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits, and

84 have been arrested for drunk driving

in the last year.

Can you guess which organization this is?


NFL Or NBA?


Give up yet?



Scroll down,







Neither, it's the United States Senate!

snopes.com

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Lemon Picker

Sally Mulligan of Comox, British Columbia decided to take one of the jobs that most Canadians are not willing to do.
Lemon Picker
The woman applying for a job in an Okanagan lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of British Columbia and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and voted for Harper ."

Jeffery Straker, outstanding Canadia Artist, Winner of the Vina del Mar International Song Competition

A few of my favourite Jeffery Straker songs/videos. Jeffery is an amazing artist who write his own music, words, and plays the piano superbly! Be sure to visit his official page as well as his youtube channel. (Links are embedded in the page accessible below:

 Click here to watch them!
Click above to watch them. You won't be disappointed

Worst Website Design

Click on the link below each screenshot tp open the pages... 
Spend some time exploring some of them.
They look far worse when they're live!
The first one is designed that way on purpose.. 
Worst websites
http://www.theworldsworstwebsiteever.com/

Worst websites
http://heaven.internetarchaeology.org/heaven.html#bottom

Worst websites
http://www.lingscars.com/

Worst websites
http://www.arngren.net/

Worst websites
http://ronoslund.com/

Worst websites
http://www.constellation7.org/Constellation-Seven/Josiah/Index.htm

Worst websites
http://www.jamilin.com/

Worst websites
http://www.mrbottles.com/

Are you sure you don't like the new design of 'OZ'???