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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Jokes and Such


Did you hear about the man who fell into the machine at the upholstery shop? He's completely recovered now.

HYUK!

A guy walks into a bank, points a gun at the teller and says, "Give me all your money, or you're geography!" "Don't you mean history?" the teller asks. "Hey, lady," the thief replies, "don't change the subject."

HYUK!

Signs that you don't have enough to do at work:


- You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2004.


- People come to your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.


- You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.


- The Fourth Division of Paper Clips has overrun the Push-Pin Infantry, and General Whiteout has called in for reinforcements.

HYUK!

During the service, a minister made a promise: "Whomever gives the biggest offering shall get to choose three of their favourite hymns." The spinster who won stood and pointed. "I want him, him and him."

HYUK!

Three dogs, a Great Dane. a Scottie, and a Chihuahua--were sitting in a bar, knocking back a few, when a beautiful French Poodle walked in.

"OK, boys" she said seductively. "I'll make a very happy dog out of the one who can come up with the best proposition using the words cheese and liver."

The Great Dane thought a moment, then declared, "I don't like cheese, but I sure like liver, and I like you too!" He panted and wagged his tail, but the lady looked away.

The Scottie immediately followed with, "I like cheese, and I like liver, and I like you!" He wagged his tail expectantly, but she ignored him.

Then the Chihuahua growled, "Liver alone! Cheese with me!" They left together.

HYUK!

Did you hear? NASA is planning to send a group of Holsteins into orbit. Apparently they're calling the mission: "The herd that shot around the world!"

HYUK!

Question: How many ears did Davy Crockett have?

Answer: Three--his left ear, his right ear and his wild front ear.

HYUK!

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