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Sunday, September 28, 2014

Best of the Provinces


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big Rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 7 per cent instead of approximately 200 per cent for the rest of the country.
4. Oilers vs. Flames.
5. Eskies vs. Stamps.
6. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
7. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
8. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. The Roughriders
2. You never run out of wheat.
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning.
4. The Roughriders
5. Your province is really easy to draw.
6. You never have to worry about car roll-back if you have a standard transmission.
7. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house.
8. The Roughriders
9. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
10. People will assume you live on a farm.
11. The Roughriders
12. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property.
2. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government.
3. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
4. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
5. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work.
6. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
7. Because of your license plate, you are still friendly even when you cut someone off.
8. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist. Separate from what? You are the centre of the universe.
5. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
6. Much Music's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar.
7. The only province with enough idiots to elect an idiot for a premier.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians.
3. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
4. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada.
5. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo *#!%".

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98 per cent of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours.
4. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston.
5. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.
6. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
7. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen.
8. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You are the "only" reason Anne Murray makes money.
3. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
4. The economy is based on lobster and fiddle music.
5. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea".
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from.
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows.
6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave.
7. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates.
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter.
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss dead cod.
3. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products.
4. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
5. You and only you understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics.
6. The workday is about two hours long.
7. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines.
8. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding.

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