Thursday, July 31, 2014
What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative;
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services;
he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services;
he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing;
even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer;
he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration;
he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing;
although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist;
all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist;
all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector;
all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
The King had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince's pants?
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
I WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!!!
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media millionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.
15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
20. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
27. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".
29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is a darn sight worse than the flies.
30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber"** to anyone ... EVER!
PS: I personally regret the demise of that great little aussie word, and would like to advocate its revival
**cob·ber Pronunciation (kbr)
A pal; a buddy.
[Possibly from dialectal cob, to take a liking to.]
Subject: INTERNATIONAL PROVERBS
Can you guess the last word of the proverb? (e.g., English: The darkest hour is that before the ------. Answer: Dawn.)
1. Spanish: Flattery makes friends, and truth makes ------.
2. Dutch: You can't hatch chickens from fried ------.
3. Chinese: A rumor goes in one ear and out many ------.
4. Yiddish: Everyone is kneaded out of the same dough but not baked in the same ------.
5. Danish: He who leaps high must take a long ------.
6. Persian: The wise man sits on the hole in his ------.
7. German: He who has once burnt his mouth always blows his ------.
8. Russian: There is plenty of sound in an empty ------.
9. Bulgarian: A tree falls the way it ------.
ANSWERS: 1. Enemies. 2. Eggs. 3. Mouths. 4. Oven. 5. Run. 6. Carpet. 7. Soup. 8. Barrel. 9. Leans.
18 points -- congratulations, doctor; 15 to 17 points -- honors graduate; 10 to 14 points -- you're plenty smart, but no grind; 4 to 9 points -- you really should hit the books harder; 1 point to 3 points -- enroll in remedial courses immediately; 0 points -- who reads the questions to you?
*The Wizard scored 4. Put your scores in the 'Comments"
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and Asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO For Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, He replied. "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March......."
Monday, July 28, 2014
Furby Easter Eggs:
1. Feed 3 times (waiting to finish talking each time)
Then pat his back
He will then burp 8 times
2. Another easter egg: Clap 3 times (so he hears and waiting to finish talking each time)
Then pat his back. he will then sing twinkle twinkle little star
3. Another easter egg: To find out your furbys name tickle 3 times
Then pat his back and he will tell you his name (it might not work the first time)
4. Another easter egg:Cover his eyes three times (waiting for him to respond each time)
Then pat his back. he will then say cocka-doodle do (x2) me love you
Autumn in Germany
The beauty of Antarctica
Scenery of Europe
Germany's Swan Castle
View of Holland
Beauty of Tibet
Golden Maple Leaf
Edge of Glacier
Lavender Farm and Tree
The Night Scene of Eiffel Tower
Comet - Make a wish!
The Purple Romance
Beauty of the Desert
Breithorn Peak (Switzerland)
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
YOU'RE GONNA' LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Sunday, July 27, 2014
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Upon leaving to purchase a bull, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big, so she'll read it very slowly, com-for-da-bul."
Saturday, July 26, 2014
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." --Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
Well, this fantasy may not be too far off for those gay men that wonder if it's possible to turn a straight guy gay. I say there's an easier and more natural way to take charge of your gay love life than turning a straight guy gay... read more at gaylife.about.com
There are two possible questions here. The first is simply how long would it take for a laser to travel to the moon and back.
The moon is around 384,000 km away. The speed of light is 299,792,458 m/s. The journey is round trip, so:
However, if the question really is about seeing the dot - you won't. Ever.
Beams of light diverge. Take a flashlight (torch) for example. Why is it that if you are 20 meters from a wall the light will illuminate it, but if you are 40 meters from that wall, the light won't illuminate it?
What's happening here? Is something stopping the light from traveling that distance? No, the light is traveling unimpeded, 40 meters is nothing for a photon. But the beam of light gets larger and larger with distance. So, the extremely dense cross section of photons at the lens of the flashlight is very bright, but as the beam gets wider, those photons are distributed over greater area. The light density gets less and the beam gets dimmer.
Very expensive lasers are designed to minimize this beam spreading, called divergence - but they can't stop it. And we do reflect lasers off the moon. Well, more accurately, we reflect lasers off mirrors that the Apollo astronauts left on the moon.
Although the moon looks bright to us, that's just because the sun is radiating it with so much light. The moon is gray like charcoal. It only reflects about 7% of the visible light that hits it. So, even the best lasers combined with the best telescopes aren't going to be effective at reflecting visible light off of the surface. But those mirrors are highly reflective.
Even so, very few of the photons from the lasers aimed at those mirrors actually make it back to the telescope. There is a project called APOLLO (Apache Point Observatory Lunar Laser-ranging Operation) that fires laser pulses at those mirrors and measures the returned signal to calculate extremely precisely the distance to the moon. They use a powerful laser and yet only 1.7 in 1E17 of the photons from their laser are sensed upon return.
That's 1.7 in 100,000,000,000,000,000 photons. With their system, that means the returning signal consists of 5-10 photons. A giant 3.5 meter telescope can only detect 5-10 photons. Your eye isn't going to have such luck.
Here's a picture of APOLLO shining its laser on the moon.
Here are three suggestions for the parents of young teens, all learned through my own mistakes:
First, remember, with emerging demands for independence, worries about peer acceptance, pressures of school and extra-curricular activities and a continuous search for self-identity, adolescents are on a physical and emotional roller coaster. Like every generation before them (including yours), young teens are often arrogant and over-confident about their knowledge and your ignorance, and deeply insecure about most other things. They will make mistakes, behave badly and be thoroughly self-absorbed. Though they want you to be less involved in their lives, they actually need you more. And despite continuous battles, if you’re open, you will experience glorious moments both of you will cherish all your lives.
Second, be firm but choose your battles carefully. Don’t back down when you are dealing with an important principle but don’t make every issue a hill you’re willing to die on. Be willing to lose occasionally and evean give in graciously.
Third, don’t belittle or underestimate the importance of their feelings. It may seem like they are over-reacting, but teens feel emotions like embarrassment, loneliness, insecurity, frustration and love truly and intensely. It’s horribly disrespectful to minimize or discount these feelings with useless advice like, “you’ll get over it,” or “everyone feels that way.” Nor is it helpful to dismiss or invalidate an emotion by saying, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
Teens can be hard to love, but be patient. Soon they will be the parents of your grandchildren.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
Friday, July 25, 2014
No, Humphrey Bogart did not say "Play it again, Sam", Nor Clint Eastwood say "Do you feel lucky, punk?", anyone in Star Trek say "Beam me up, Scotty", Tarzan say "Me Tarzan, you Jane", Sherlock Holmes say "Elementary, my dear Watson", Julius Caesar say "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears" or Geoffrey Chaucer say: "Show me the colorectomy of your aunt Bob".